Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

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If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

If I had a dime for every homeless man that asked for money

I would probably keep it for myself.

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

If I had a dime for every time I said a racist comment......

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

Not a dime of our taxes was used to buy bookmarks....

Politicians prefer to bend a page over.

If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46

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Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime!

That’s why I poop on company time!

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

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If I had a dime for every time I've had sex

I'd be the worst prostitute ever.

An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.

And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.

Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked “Did you use to...

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I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis.

It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

My grandmother is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime..

... And picked up two nickels.

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately the dime was in Joeys pocket.

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Are you a dime?

Because no one fucking wants you.

So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...

He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through...

I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.

Oh hey, just found a dime.

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham.

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

Did you hear about the Jewish tire?

Not only can it stop on a dime but it can also pick it up.

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Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

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In town and all alone!!!

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age. So she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages”.


She looked through the phone bo...

I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.

Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in t...

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Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.

GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?

GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg....

A man wants to show his son something.

"Come here son!"

*Son walks over* "What dad?"

"Watch this." He takes 2 10-cent coins, places them on the table, and moves them towards and away from each other.

"It's a pair-a-dime shift."

Did you hear about the new Jewish Sports Car?

It stops on a dime then picks it up.

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

A 50 year-old woman visits her doctor

and reveals to her doctor that when she goes to the bathroom, pennies come out of her. The doctor replies, "Don't worry about it for now, but come back next week if it continues." The next week, she is back. "Now I go to the bathroom and out come nickels! What is going on?"

"I'm still not qui...

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Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' ...

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

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NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. Wh...

A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"

"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

US currency types were having a contest to see who could accrue the most of another country’s currency

Nickels managed to stack up a lot of Euros and beat Quarters who only managed to pile up a few. Dimes did alright for themselves too but none of them bragged about how well they were doing because they knew that their smallest denomination friends were volatile and when confronted with bragging when...

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A young woman complains to her mother

“I just can’t take it anymore, I wanna divorce Steve!”, she exclaims.

“What’s wrong my dear?”, asks her mom.

“All he wants to do is anal, my anus was the size of a dime when I got married and now it’s as big as a friggin quarter!” she cries.

“Well, my dear”, says the mom, “you d...

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeles...

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Destination Pittsburgh

Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets.

Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment...

“Yes ...

What do you call a bunch of hotties walking down the street?

March of Dimes

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40 Cents

There was a country family who had struggled with poverty all their lives. Then the daughter got married to the wealthiest bachellor of the nearest town.
All of a sudden their lives started to improve. The husband employed all the wife’s siblings, his company started to buy the family ranch’s...

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

A groom asks the priest how much they owe him for the ceremony

The priest replies that there's no fixed scale, but he can always make a donation based on, for example, the beauty of the bride. The groom looks awkwardly around him and gives the priest a quarter. The priest goes to the bride and lifts up her veil.

After a moment he then goes back to the m...

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Two blondes go camping

After a few hours, 1 blonde says she needs to take a poop, but they forgot to walk with toilet paper. The second blonde says " do you have a dollar? " yes, says the first blonde. Well you can use that to wipe, replied the second blonde.

After a few minutes, the first blonde emerges from th...

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor and says, “I’m a little embarrassed, but every time I go to the bathroom, I pee nickels, dimes, and quarters. What is wrong with me?”

The doctor answers her, “There’s nothing wrong with you miss. You’re just going through the change. “

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men die and go to hell. In there, the devil says: "Well, today I'm in a good mood, so let's spice things a little bit. Tell me a riddle I can't answer and you'll go to heaven".

The first guy says "What has four legs but can't walk?" to which the devil answers with "A table, you're not e...

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Two Pickets

Two drunk Steelers fans were left in Cleveland after a game with no ride home. The first drunk decides that they can just hop a Greyhound bus and be home in no time. He stumbles to the ticket counter and the most beautiful, busty woman he's seen all day was working. He politely asks "can I please ha...

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

A latino goes to a vending machine

He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor

I donated $100 to a charity that helps the blind.

Too bad they’ll never see a dime of it.

Fake people are like pennies

Two-faced and not worth a dime.

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

The Rabbi in Trinidad

Once upon a time, there lived an Israeli Rabbi.  He was a kind old man who always meant well, and was well liked, even if he could be a little over zealous at times.  He heard one day that there was a spot being offered as a missionary to travel to a small village in Trinidad and teach the town's fo...

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I'm divorcing Norman

A woman said to her mother, "All the pervert wants is anal sex. My rectum is now the size of a 50-cent piece! It used to be about the size of a dime!"
Her mother replied, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a w...

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

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A Jewish woman marries a Saudi prince, and her mom is very upset. NSFW

The daughter invites her mom to live with them in his palace. After a month, the daughter goes into her mom's room one morning, interrupting her Mom's daily massage.

She tells her mom, "Mom, things aren't going so great. All he wants is anal sex. When we got married, my asshole was the s...

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Good Mother in Law

A woman confided to her mother that she wanted to divorce her rich husband because he wanted anal sex all the time.
The daughter explained to her mom that when they got married her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mother said, “He buys you a multimillion do...

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

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My go-to joke, thought I'd share.

A man and his friend are sitting at a bar, talking about embarrassing moments. The man says to his friend:

"Man, I messed up the other week. I was at the train station, trying to buy a ticket, and the ticket booth operator was this gorgeous woman, I'm talking 10/10 here. So I go up to her, an...

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

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So there is a a Russian, American, Cuban and a Mexican in a boat.

They are all hanging out relaxing, when suddenly the Cuban takes out a cuban cigar. He takes 2 puffs of it and throws it overboard.

"What are you doing? thats a really nice cuban cigar!" he was asked.
"Oh its no big deal, where I'm from they are a dime a dozen."
Thats pretty bad ass eve...

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