UPJOKE
coindime bagmoneypaycheckbuckspennyzillioncentgazillionnickeldollarnickledeckpricedpennies

Dime Jokes

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

If I had a dime for every girl who found me unattractive…..

Eventually they would find me attractive

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately, the dime was in Joey's pocket

If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

Why did the dime run for President?

Because people kept saying they wanted to vote for change.

Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters?

Because he is Nicholas.

Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar...

Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

The value of two dimes has changed

It was a pair-of-dime shift

All you can drink for a dime (an old Flip Wilson joke)

A kid sets up a lemonade stand in front of his house, with a sign that says, “All you can drink for a dime.”

Before too long, a man happens by, sees the sign, and thinks it’s a good deal. He gives the kid a dime and the kid hands him a cup.

The man tosses it back and says, “Hey, that w...

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I tell people something and.they already knew what I was talking about so tell me “if I had a dime every time I heard that “

Dude that would be a weird fucking way to make some money.

If I had a dime for every decent joke in r/jokes

then I'd have a nickel.

Nickel & Dime Dining

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's ...

Who ranks higher than private dimes?

The dollar general

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

My friend bought a belt with a strap made out of dollar bills and a buckle made out of dimes and nickels.

What a waist of money.

Not a dime of our taxes was used to buy bookmarks....

Politicians prefer to bend a page over.

What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

My grandmother is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime..

... And picked up two nickels.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dime for every time I've had sex

I'd be the worst prostitute ever.

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through...

I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.

Oh hey, just found a dime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis.

It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

Due to inflation

The phrase "a dime a dozen" has gone up to "a dollar a dozen"

If I had a dime for every time I said a racist comment......

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.

And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.

Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked “Did you use to...

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham.

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. Wh...

Candy shop

Three boys walk into a candy shop and walk up to the counter. "What can I get you boys?" The shopkeep asks the first boy. "I'd like a dime's worth of jelly beans!" Well, it just so happened that the jellybeans were at the top shelf! So the shopkeeper got out his ladder, climbed up, got the jellybean...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

getting prepped for a wedding

So there was this young man who was getting married and was worried because he didn't know how to do it. He asked an older friend of his for some advice and his friend told him to tape a nickel on each side of his hips ,a dime on his butt and a dollar on his dick. He told to go home and practice swi...

Old McGregor….

Dropped a quarter in the toilet by mistake.

He looked at it for a few moments then threw in a dime and said “I’d no reach in there for a quarter, but I would for thirty-five cents.”

Did you hear about all that corruption in the blind charities?

No matter how much you donate, *those kids will never see a dime.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

A soldier defied a superior officer and was confined to quarters

He had to turn in his pennies, nickels, dimes, and all paper money.

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell. ..

...upon further‍ reflection, I may own misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop, marches up to the counter, throws a stretched, worn out condom full of holes on the counter, and demands "How much to have it repaired?"

The apothecary replies "Two shillings."

The Captain responds "How much for a new ...

My dad gave me a one dollar bill because I’m his smartest son.

My dad gave me a one dollar bill
because I'm his smartest son,
and I swapped it for two shiny quarters because two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
and traded them to Lou,
for three dimes -- I guess he don't know that three is more than two!

Just then, along c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Pastors are Drinking on a Saturday Night

They are discussing service the next morning, and one of them says: "Brother Jeremy, I want to know how much you're planning on putting in the collection plate tomorrow, because I haven't seen you put in any in a long time." Jeremy considers this for a while, and responds: "Well, Brother David, I'd ...

Did you hear about the new Jewish car?

It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...

He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

The penny was a copper, see, and he busted the nickel for stopping on a dime.

The dime was a quarter way through the intersection when the nickel hit him.

At first the nickel thought he'd hit 50 cent.

But it was just some other young buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If

If I saved a nickel for every dime I lost ... no wait... If I had a dime for every nickle I lost ... no wait ... Who the fuck is into my change jar now?

My Kid Just Swallowed Thirty Cents

Dad shows up in the E.R. with his young son. Dad says to the doctor, "Doc, help! My son just swallowed thirty cents!" The doctor replies, "No problem. We'll get that out in no time." And she picks up the boy by the ankles, shakes him upside down a few times, and out pop a quarter and a nickle. "Prob...

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeles...

I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.

Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in t...

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

A latino goes to buy soda for 75 cents, he puts 65

The machine reads ‘dime’ so he gets closer and whispers Pepsi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady falls in love with a wealthy man. NSFW

They soon get married and they are living the life of luxury. Dream homes, exotic cars, and luxurious vacations.

The girl is having a conversation with her father one day and she mentions that she is considering leaving her husband. The father asks why and the girl explains. “He will only ...

A teacher asks her student a math problem

"Ok, if Bob has three quarters, two dimes, and one nickel, how much does he have?"

The student thought for a moment then said, "Not enough. He's broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are deep in the woods, hunting, when one of them realizes he has to poop.

He turns to the other man, and says "What do I use to wipe myself?" "Use a dollar, then toss it in the bush" the other man replies. So after about twenty minutes, man number one comes back, covered in shit. His hunting partner, filled with surprise and disgust, said "What happened?! I thought I told...

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of strange dreams.

"I keep dreaming that I'm peeing on nickels, dimes, and quarters," she tells him. He runs some tests and then tells her that everything's fine, that she's just going through her change.

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

A koala bear breaks free from the Central Park Zoo…

He’s walking down the street when he encounters a hooker. The hooker asks, “Hey, looking for a good time?”. The koala nods in agreement and off they go to a hotel.

The two have an intimate time, and when the koala bear is done he starts to head to the door. As he reaches for the door handle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Desert

There is a man making his way across the desert on foot and quickly realizes he is going to need a better mode of transportation. After making his way for a few hours he finally comes across another man who is walking a camel. He asks him if it is for sale and he states that it is, but it is a bit u...

US currency types were having a contest to see who could accrue the most of another country’s currency

Nickels managed to stack up a lot of Euros and beat Quarters who only managed to pile up a few. Dimes did alright for themselves too but none of them bragged about how well they were doing because they knew that their smallest denomination friends were volatile and when confronted with bragging when...

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.