If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I make a penny, my boss makes a dime

that's why I poop on company time

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

If I had a dime for every time I said a racist comment......

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.

What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

If I had a dime for every math problem I get wrong

I'd have $1.46

If I had a dime for every homeless man that asked for money

I would probably keep it for myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

Not a dime of our taxes was used to buy bookmarks....

Politicians prefer to bend a page over.

An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.

And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.

Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked “Did you use to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dime for every time I've had sex

I'd be the worst prostitute ever.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

If I had a dime for every time I didn't think something through...

I'd have...well, I don't know really, I guess a lot of dimes.

Oh hey, just found a dime.

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dimes [Long] [NSFW]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

...

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

This vehicle stopped on a dime.

Unfortunately the dime was in Joeys pocket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jewish mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband

"Does he hit you", she asked.


"No Ma."


"Does he cheat on you?"


"No Ma."


"Does he lose his money?"


"No Ma."


"You have a beautiful house, luxary cars, your clothes are the finest quality, you have staffs to take care of your domestic ch...

So a Hispanic man walks into a bar...

He sees an old cigarette machine and decides to buy a pack. He puts in his change and the machine flashes the words, DIME, DIME, DIME. He looks around and whispers to the machine, Malboro.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham.

Did you hear about the new Jewish Sports Car?

It stops on a dime then picks it up.

My grandmother is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime..

... And picked up two nickels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm going to get a dime-sized spider tattooed on my penis.

It's the only way I can get women to shout "Oh my God it's huge!" when they see my dick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young woman complains to her mother

“I just can’t take it anymore, I wanna divorce Steve!”, she exclaims.

“What’s wrong my dear?”, asks her mom.

“All he wants to do is anal, my anus was the size of a dime when I got married and now it’s as big as a friggin quarter!” she cries.

“Well, my dear”, says the mom, “you d...

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

A man wants to show his son something.

"Come here son!"

*Son walks over* "What dad?"

"Watch this." He takes 2 10-cent coins, places them on the table, and moves them towards and away from each other.

"It's a pair-a-dime shift."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

A guy wants to build a nuke. He goes to a supplier and asks...

"How much are the protons?"

"A dime a dozen, and the neutrons are free of charge."

A groom asks the priest how much they owe him for the ceremony

The priest replies that there's no fixed scale, but he can always make a donation based on, for example, the beauty of the bride. The groom looks awkwardly around him and gives the priest a quarter. The priest goes to the bride and lifts up her veil.

After a moment he then goes back to the m...

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor and says, “I’m a little embarrassed, but every time I go to the bathroom, I pee nickels, dimes, and quarters. What is wrong with me?”

The doctor answers her, “There’s nothing wrong with you miss. You’re just going through the change. “

I donated $100 to a charity that helps the blind.

Too bad they’ll never see a dime of it.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

40 Cents

There was a country family who had struggled with poverty all their lives. Then the daughter got married to the wealthiest bachellor of the nearest town.
All of a sudden their lives started to improve. The husband employed all the wife’s siblings, his company started to buy the family ranch’s...

What do you call a bunch of hotties walking down the street?

March of Dimes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blondes go camping

After a few hours, 1 blonde says she needs to take a poop, but they forgot to walk with toilet paper. The second blonde says " do you have a dollar? " yes, says the first blonde. Well you can use that to wipe, replied the second blonde.

After a few minutes, the first blonde emerges from th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Pickets

Two drunk Steelers fans were left in Cleveland after a game with no ride home. The first drunk decides that they can just hop a Greyhound bus and be home in no time. He stumbles to the ticket counter and the most beautiful, busty woman he's seen all day was working. He politely asks "can I please ha...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men die and go to hell. In there, the devil says: "Well, today I'm in a good mood, so let's spice things a little bit. Tell me a riddle I can't answer and you'll go to heaven".

The first guy says "What has four legs but can't walk?" to which the devil answers with "A table, you're not e...

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeles...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is asking her father for advice in her marriage

-Dad, I’m worried about my marriage, I think I want a divorce.

Her dad, worried about her daughter, asks:

-Why? Are you unhappy with your husband, sweetie?

-No, he’s really nice to me, he’s faithful, he’s a good father and takes care of me.

-Then why are you going to brea...

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Destination Pittsburgh

Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets.

Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment...

“Yes ...

A latino goes to a vending machine

He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor

The Rabbi in Trinidad

Once upon a time, there lived an Israeli Rabbi.  He was a kind old man who always meant well, and was well liked, even if he could be a little over zealous at times.  He heard one day that there was a spot being offered as a missionary to travel to a small village in Trinidad and teach the town's fo...

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill,...

So the Beatles go to America for the first time.

They go to a currency exchange place by the airport and the ask for (along with a decent sum of cash) some of each type of coin so that they could be familiarized with the currency.

They're rich enough that they don't have to skimp out on the number of coins they get, so the cashier gives the...

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

Fake people are like pennies

Two-faced and not worth a dime.

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish woman marries a Saudi prince, and her mom is very upset. NSFW

The daughter invites her mom to live with them in his palace. After a month, the daughter goes into her mom's room one morning, interrupting her Mom's daily massage.

She tells her mom, "Mom, things aren't going so great. All he wants is anal sex. When we got married, my asshole was the s...

Why aren't Jewish people into rap?

They can't drop dimes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman, a Jew and a Catholic Priest are waiting at the Gates of Heaven.

Peter looks over their files and proclaims that they had lead more or less decent lives besides each having indulged in a single sin.

“So here’s what I’ll do – I send you back to Earth and if you can keep yourselves from committing the same sin for 24 hours I’ll let you in.”

And poof! ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm divorcing Norman

A woman said to her mother, "All the pervert wants is anal sex. My rectum is now the size of a 50-cent piece! It used to be about the size of a dime!"
Her mother replied, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a w...

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" crie...

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My go-to joke, thought I'd share.

A man and his friend are sitting at a bar, talking about embarrassing moments. The man says to his friend:

"Man, I messed up the other week. I was at the train station, trying to buy a ticket, and the ticket booth operator was this gorgeous woman, I'm talking 10/10 here. So I go up to her, an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy runs into a bar, straight up to the bartender, and yells "Quick! 10 shots of your finest vodka!"

The bartender quickly prepares 10 shots and watches in amazement as the guy takes all 10, one after another, without barely breathing in between them.

The guy lets out a huge sigh and puts his head down on the bar, saying "Thanks, I really needed that."

The bartender says "wow, man! I'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good Mother in Law

A woman confided to her mother that she wanted to divorce her rich husband because he wanted anal sex all the time.
The daughter explained to her mom that when they got married her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mother said, “He buys you a multimillion do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is a a Russian, American, Cuban and a Mexican in a boat.

They are all hanging out relaxing, when suddenly the Cuban takes out a cuban cigar. He takes 2 puffs of it and throws it overboard.

"What are you doing? thats a really nice cuban cigar!" he was asked.
"Oh its no big deal, where I'm from they are a dime a dozen."
Thats pretty bad ass eve...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Clinton's pet parrot

The Clinton family purchased a pet parrot while living in the White House. The parrot was beloved by the entire family. One weekend while the Clintons were at Camp David, the parrot escaped. The Secret Service panicked, and knew that they had to find the parrot before the Clintons got home. When ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

High class brothel

About a month ago the President of the United States decided he had to get laid. Going to a high-class whorehouse, he found a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette waiting in the downstairs lounge.

"I'm the President of the United States," he said to the blonde. "How much will it cost me to spen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Coming of Age

An elderly grandfather sits at home rocking slowly in his chair, a puckered scowl upon his face as he watches his 23 year old grandson lounging on the couch playing videogames.

"You're 23 goddamn years old and you're still living with your parents, sitting in the basement playing videogames!"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love

When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are three priests at an airport...

Three priests are traveling home from a trip to the Vatican. They have yet to purchase tickets when they get to the airport, so the youngest priest volunteers to purchase them for the rest of the group.

As he walks up to the counter, he notices that the lady working there has a very large bo...

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.