Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.

They eventually would.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

I’d only have 90 cents for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve killed a deer

It’ll be zero bucks

What do you call a thousand dollar door?

A grand entrance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

My sister bet 100 dollars that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when i drove pasta.

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year

And every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, y...

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

If I had a dollar for every funny joke on this sub...

...I'd have a nickel.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then. Everyone had common cents

do you think this is a good one

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man asks his son to go ask his mother if she would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000...

The boy goes upstairs and asks his mom...

"Hey Mom, would you have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000?"

The mother considers it for a moment and then replies "yes, yes I would."

The son comes back and reports to his father as he exclaims "wow dad! Mom said she have se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

The real 150 million dollars question.

Why did reddit accept 150mil from Tencent?

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..

Then I could also pay off my college tuition without even having a summer job

What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?

A dollar is good for 4 quarters.

I'm from Jamaica and if I got a dollar every time someone asked me if I smoked weed.

I'd have enough to buy a $50 bag every time I run out.

For every dollar a man makes his wife makes 80¢

So the man only has 20¢ left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?

"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."


"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

If I had a dollar for every repost I see on Reddit, I’d be just like Carlos Mencia...

Making money off of used material.

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country

I would have enough money to get the hell out of here

Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.

I hope the police don't find out about my money laundering scheme...

If I had a dollar for every time I changed the correct answer in exams,

I'd probably pick it up first but then leave it thinking it's wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the Deacon's wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “

Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars.

How about $20?

$20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am?

We’ve already established what kind of woman ...

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

If I won a billion dollars, I would give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the $999,999,999.75 left though.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

[NSFW] If I had a dollar for every suicidal thought I’ve had...

I would have enough for professional help.

If you owe a bank a hundred dollars, you have a problem.

If you owe the bank a million dollars, the bank has a problem.

If you owe the bank several hundred million dollars, that's the taxpayers' problem.

1 dollar was a lot..

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

Frog wants a million dollar loan

​

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

​

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

​

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

&#x20...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

If I had a dollar for every math test I failed...

I’d have $6.48.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought about having sex with my mom

I’d have enough money to pay a therapist.

If i had a dollar for every time Donald Trump said something dumb,

I probably wouldn’t pay my taxes either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

What costs hundreds of billions of dollars but is totally worthless?

The 2nd place in a presidential election....

If I had a dollar for every time I got called racist...

I'd be walking around with so much cash, I'd probably get mugged by some random black guy.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me , “don’t worry, you’ll all get back pay”

I’d still be in a financial hardship due to the government shutdown.

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said I’m bad at math...

I’d have 50 cents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime!

That’s why I poop on company time!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Da...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a one hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his penis.

Shocked and disgusted the artist asks why?
The man goes “well, I have three reasons,
One, I like to play with my money,
Two, I like to watch my money grow,
And three, next time my wife wants to go out and blow my money, she can stay home instead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man on vacation goes to a casino and loses 10,000 dollars.

It starts raining, so the rich man needs to get to the hotel fast. He sees a taxi and says to the driver "How much to get to the sunny beach hotel?"

"10 bucks" the cab driver says.

"I don't have any money on me right now, but I have millions in the bank and if we go to an atm..."
...

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

“This is your final challenge”, the TV host said. “Succeed at this trial, and the million dollars is yours...”

“You’ve eaten live scorpions, you’ve walked barefoot through a pit of sheep eyeballs, and you’ve popped pimples on the back of an obese man who hasn’t showered in two months. Open the envelope and reveal your last challenge!”
As soon as the contestant had read the instructions on the card, his fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?

Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.

The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then ...

I can definitely get 10,000 ball bearings for a dollar

I definitely can. 100 per cent

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

A recent university graduate wins $1 million dollars, and is being interviewed by the news.

News anchor: So what will you do with the money?

The graduate: I will pay off my student loans.

News anchor: And what will you do with the rest?

The graduate: They'll have to wait...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me attractive...

I’d get my friends to call me attractive over and over again. Then I’d pocket everything for myself because I’m a selfish jerk.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.

"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."

So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"

"Really? What did you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kindness to a Homeless Man

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

“I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
...