The 80+ Best Dollar Jokes

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?

Start with ten million.

What's the difference between a US Dollar and a Russian Ruble?

Roughly 1 USD

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

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if Elon Musk had a dollar for every racial slur & sexist slur on Twitter...

Oh, wait- he does.

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

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What’s the difference between the dollar and the pound?

I didn’t dollar your mom’s ass last night.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

I won a million dollars and donated a quarter of it to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ?

A dollar.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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Dollar for a dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"

Me: "John"

Homeless man: "So Johnny, there is blac...

What did one dollar say to the other?

Hey, Bill

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

What did Qatar get after spending billions of dollars to stop LGBTQ+ actions in FIFA 2022?

Half naked Argentinian Men Hugging and kissing each other in the end.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

I went into the Citgo gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty dollars,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the m...

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1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

I have a million dollar idea

I’ll tell you if you give me a million dollars

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

If I had a dollar for every misogynistic joke I made

I'd have 77 cents

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

What's the difference between a dollar bill and a politician?

One will give you change.

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

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I had to pay hundreds of dollars for a stool sample test before I had my surgery.

That shit was expensive.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

Years ago you could enter a grocery store with 25 dollars

and walk out with several kilos of fruits, a loaf of bread meat, cheese, milk and much more.

Nowadays, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a dollar

Of course Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought.

A few weeks had passed by and everytime Arty asked John if he could have his dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you." This went on for sometime until one day Arty passed John...

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Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

What do you call a dollar frozen in a block of ice?

Cold hard cash.

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

How do you build a muli-million dollar company?

Sell it to Elon for $44 billion.

Kiss for $100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery;

now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

Jack and Jim are on sentry duty during the first World War, when Jim says, "You know how we're on a bonus of a dollar for every German we capture?"

"Yes," says Jack. "Well don't tell anyone," says Jim, "but there's $5000 worth coming over that hill."

When the person who mugs you only finds a dollar in your pocket

John is on his way home late at night when he's attacked by a mugger. After a great struggle, the mugger overcomes him, searches his pockets, but only finds a single dollar.

"What sort of guy puts up a fight like that for just a dollar?" says the mugger.

"I'm not that stupid," says Jo...

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A sailor arrives to a port city

He runs off to the closest brothel and begs the madam
“Madam, I just spent the last two years at sea with men only around me, I must be with a woman, but I only have 5 dollars, is there someone I can get for 5$?”

The Madam answers -
“Well, 5$ is way too cheap for anything… but, there is...

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

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The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

I gave a homeless man 100 dollars today..

..The amount of joy i felt when he put the gun away was priceless.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

If you ever feel useless...

Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...

the Taliban

Retirement Home

A woman moves to a retirement home. Her sons each decide to give her a nice gift as a token of their gratitude.

“I will buy a Ferrari for mom,” the oldest says, “at least half a million dollars worth, so she can enjoy a nice drive.”

“I'll buy her a luxurious villa with a downstairs sle...

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who ...

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Bob had finally made it

to the last round of the "$64,000 Question" show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the be...

It only makes cents

Perfumer: I invested 200 dollars, but do you know how much I got back?

Person: How much?

Perfumer: Three scents.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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Quack

A farmer is dying on his bed and debates on how he will split up the estate between his three sons. So he makes a contest and explains it to them that each with get a duck and who ever can get the most for the duck will inherit everything.

So the first son ventured out with his duck and spen...

What is 6 inches long and every man wishes he had more of it?

Dollar bills

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

Favorite Leno Joke

The economy is so bad, Mc Hammer said, "For five dollars U Can Touch This."

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