If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

ooh, a dollar!

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

A young boy enters a barber shop...

...and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell...

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

What color is a US dollar?

Mint green

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

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A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...

The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.


After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

If I had a dollar for every time someone said money isn't that important

I'd eventually agree

A jewish boy asks his father "can i have 50 dollars?"

Dad: 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for? I got 20, here's 10, gimme back 5.

If I got a dollar everytime someone calls me attractive...

I'd have a dollar.

Thanks mom.

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A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

If I had a dollar for everytime some one complained about monopoly addiction

I could put a hotel on all my properties.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

If I had a dollar for every woman who thought I was ugly...

Eventually they wouldn't think I'm ugly.

It is true, the story that you have heard is true. Women make 80 cents for every a dollar a man makes.

How is a man supposed to survive on 20 cents?

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "If I had a dollar" jokes...

I could pay someone to write better material

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.

​

“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.

​

“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.

​

“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing an...

A man tells a butcher “I bet you 1,000 dollars that you can’t reach up and touch your that beef hanging up there”

The butcher replies, “I’m not betting that, the stakes are too high”

To the person who lost the stack of dollar bills

I have your rubberband

IF i ever see a billion dollars fall from the sky and float around in front of me i am going to grab it.

I suddenly understand fish on a whole new level.

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A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

I read a post that said the billion dollars we donated to Notre-Dame could have gone to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch

Do you know how much bigger it would be if we put a billion dollars into it?

If you had inherited 1 million dollars tomorrow, how would you use it? I would go to the cinema to watch a movie, buy one popcorn and one large drink.

​

Then invest the remaining $3.48.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic prostitute?

One's a phony buck.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I call my dick “the five dollar foot long”

And just like the sandwiches, it’s a product name and is in no way indicative of the size

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

I’d only have 90 cents for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by messing my teams multi milion dollar project

So i work for this big organization that has been working on quite an important project. That is, to take a picture of a certain object.
I am a temp and my job was to move the file from our local server to a safe drive so we can move the file (yes the file is that big) to another center. ...

What do you call a thousand dollar door?

A grand entrance.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve killed a deer

It’ll be zero bucks

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it’s not much he goes in anyway.....

To his surprise the madam says, “We have something for every price.” She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, “...

My sister bet 100 dollars that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when i drove pasta.

Just received an e.mail stating $50 dollars to see Cardi B. live.

I'm probably not the right person to spam for these types of ransoms.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

I won a million dollars in the lottery! I plan to give a quarter of it to charity.

That'll leave me with $999,999.75 to spend on myself!

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year

And every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, y...

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

How come coins are different from dollars?

Dollars don't make cents.

What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?

A dollar is good for 4 quarters.

The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then. Everyone had common cents

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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man asks his son to go ask his mother if she would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000...

The boy goes upstairs and asks his mom...

"Hey Mom, would you have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000?"

The mother considers it for a moment and then replies "yes, yes I would."

The son comes back and reports to his father as he exclaims "wow dad! Mom said she have se...

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..

Then I could also pay off my college tuition without even having a summer job

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

I'm from Jamaica and if I got a dollar every time someone asked me if I smoked weed.

I'd have enough to buy a $50 bag every time I run out.

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the Deacon's wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “

Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars.

How about $20?

$20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am?

We’ve already established what kind of woman ...

A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?

"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."


"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"

What was the Buddhist told when he gave a ten dollar bill for a two dollar hot dog ?

Change comes from within

The real 150 million dollars question.

Why did reddit accept 150mil from Tencent?

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

If I had a dollar for every repost I see on Reddit, I’d be just like Carlos Mencia...

Making money off of used material.

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

I’m Venezuelan, if I had a dollar for every time people ask me about the political situation in my country

I would have enough money to get the hell out of here

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

If i had a dollar for every-time I had mistaken currency,

I would have £0.76

If I had a dollar for every time I changed the correct answer in exams,

I'd probably pick it up first but then leave it thinking it's wrong.

[NSFW] If I had a dollar for every suicidal thought I’ve had...

I would have enough for professional help.

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

If i had a dollar for every time Donald Trump said something dumb,

I probably wouldn’t pay my taxes either.

If I had a dollar for every math test I failed...

I’d have $6.48.

Frog wants a million dollar loan

​

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

​

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

​

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

&#x20...

If you owe a bank a hundred dollars, you have a problem.

If you owe the bank a million dollars, the bank has a problem.

If you owe the bank several hundred million dollars, that's the taxpayers' problem.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

1 dollar was a lot..

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve thought about having sex with my mom

I’d have enough money to pay a therapist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Da...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I won 298 million dollars I’d give a quarter of it to Charity too.

I hope it would be the best sex I ever have.

If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me , “don’t worry, you’ll all get back pay”

I’d still be in a financial hardship due to the government shutdown.

What costs hundreds of billions of dollars but is totally worthless?

The 2nd place in a presidential election....

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

If I had a dollar for every time I got called racist...

I'd be walking around with so much cash, I'd probably get mugged by some random black guy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime!

That’s why I poop on company time!

If I had a dollar for every time someone said I’m bad at math...

I’d have 50 cents.