A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

A wave of crime is sweeping Metropolis. Superman is helpless to stop the instigator, a code-breaking enthusiast dressed in full plate armour.

Can no one save us from the Crypto-Knight?

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

What's the same with a baby and a plate?

They both make a lot of noise when you drop them

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Why is a plate of Eggs Benedict the perfect breakfast?

Because it is beyond repoach

What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

Dinner is on me

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when they bumped into each other

Well it’s not my fault!

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

I don’t care for much Chinese food, but when I see a big plate of egg noodles I go nuts

I’m kind of a Lo meiniac

Grandfather, are these plates clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go o...

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."

The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

Why did the piece of spaghetti refuse to get on the plate with the rest?

Because he had a strained relationship with the rest.

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

You know why the Oklahoma license plate has the motto, "It's OK"?

Because they couldn't fit "Mediocre"

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

What do you call a border dispute along tectonic plates that's settled through improv?

Whose Fault Line is it Anyway?

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

My Coworker Dropped A Plate Today

The poor thing. It must be shattered.

What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?

Dishrespectful...

What numbers are in the number plate of optimus prime?

Prime numbers. A'right a'right I'll see my way out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.

"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.

They are having sex when the man asks for a blow job. She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mexican went into a Japanese restaurant and ordered but only to be disappointed when he was served with a live Octopus slammed in his plate.

He asked for a taco.

I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

I saw a car with the registration plate 'BDR MNHF' earlier.

Now I feel like I'm seeing it everywhere.

So I was reading licence plates...

The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"

What do you call 2 fat goths?

Morbidly obese.


I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.

Got a tattoo on the small of my back of 2 dogs sharing a plate of spaghetti.

It's a Lady and the Tramp stamp.

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

My ex was a ceramic artist who painted a portrait of me on a black plate. After we broke up, it was all I could stare at.

**I was in a dark plate.**

Two plates go into a resteraunt

One plate says to the other, " Don't worry I'll pay for the meal." The other plate replies, " No dinner is on me."

What's a terrible plate pun?

dish one.

Ok guys seriously, can we stop with the obese jokes??

I mean they already have enough on their plate!

At the restaurant with food still on my plate...

Server: "Do you wanna box for that"
Me: "No. It's not worth fighting for"

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?

Because they're in continents.

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." His mother...

Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES"

Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..

What do a plate of homemade brownies and a golden shower have in common?

Urine for a treat.

My friend got a job fastening metal plates together. He hates it.

He says it's not fun or interesting, which I dont understand. I think his job is riveting.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

My son was upset his personalised number plate name was already taken

I'd never seen little YCM-846 so sad before

A man took his date to a local country club.

When they arrived, he told her to sit down and he would go fetch their food.

Well, at this country club, there were different lines for everything. He went and stood in the pot roast line. Then the vegetable line, the bread line, the gravy line, and the salt and pepper line.

Finally, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A worm crawled out from a plate of spaghetti and exclaimed...

"Man, that was one hell of a gangbang!"

"Mom, I don't like grandma..."

"Shut up and eat what's on your plate!"

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

Two tectonic plates are having a heated argument...

They seem to have diverging opinions.

A couple had their first daughter and were deciding on a name.

The man decides he wants to call her Hope. The woman says “I like Love, let’s call her that!” They come to the resolution to name her Love, since that’s what the wife wanted so badly. Times goes by and baby Love is born a happy baby. Love continued to be a happy baby all through elementary school. H...

Beans for lunch

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was...

What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say?

Ewe haul.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant in spain

The waiter comes and asks what the man would like to eat.

The man says that he would like to have today's special.

The waiter gives the man a plate with two giant meatballs. The man asks why the meatballs are so big to wich the waiter replies: "We had bullfight today so this is the dea...

I want to open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant

And call it "Tapas the Mornin' to Ja."

RIP Harris Wittels.

Murphy's Car Is Stolen

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.  Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.  'I don't know she replie...

What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship?

Subduction!

What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common?

They're both pieces of china.

Did you hear about the time traveler who finished his plate?

He went back four seconds.

How do tectonic plates have fun?

They meet up and crack each other up.