UPJOKE
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Plate Jokes

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.



(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him?

Sorry, my fault.

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

What does the plate say when it's going out with it's friends?

Dinner's on me

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug

But it looks like apple beat me to it.
Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes

Today I saw a license plate that said 420-fps

Their is no joke I just want to share something cool but I have no friends

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I getting “Jesus Is Lord” on my new license plate.

JISLORD

At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.

As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.

But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fe...

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

I stopped putting money in the collection plate at church.

*Not once* have I gotten my popcorn.

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

What do you call a baby in full plate armor?

*Infantry*




Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments

Someone reaches the checkout counter at IKEA...

They buy:
\- one large plate
\- one small plate
\- one spoon
\- one fork
\- one knife
\- one bowl
\- one wine glass
\- one water glass
\- one frying pan
\- one spatula


The cashier goes "So you're single, huh."
They reply "Why yes I ...

Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?"

Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"

Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate

...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

I saw a car with the license plate JOHNGALT

I didn't even know he lived near here, then I shrugged

How do you clean plate-mail?

In the dishwasher.

A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

What do you call a plate of spaghetti that sells itself?

A pastatute

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says

“Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

How do tectonic plates greet each other?

They shake lands

Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard

They misheard the words *serene dijon*

I’ve never trusted tectonic plates

They’re too shifty

What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them?

A BOWLD MOVE!


it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy

What happens when one plate goes on top of another?

You get an earthquake

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandfather, are these plates clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go o...

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man:

\- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
\- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...

The wife then says:

\- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.

The man shoots a dark look at his wife...

They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy.

So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?

I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company

It’s going to be called Au Nuts

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

"You can't wear full plate mail to my sister's wedding!" shouted my wife

"But you said to wear my best suit and this one cost three thousand dollars"

"You spent *THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS* ON THAT STUPID THING???"

I hate to say it, but we're starting to have real hard wear/soft wear compatibility issues.

What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common?

They're both pieces of china.

Where do bad plates go to after they've broken?

Helsinki

What's a terrible plate pun?

dish one.

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

I was at a steak house...

...when the waiter brought me my steak, holding it to the plate with his thumb.

I said, "Are you crazy? What's with your thumb on my steak?"

"Sorry," answered the waiter, "but I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?

Dishrespectful...

What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common?

They’re both $70 rip off’s

I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.

I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.

After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quick...

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

As a Tectonic plate, everyone is always blaming me for earthquakes...

...but they are not all my fault.

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

Why is a plate of Eggs Benedict the perfect breakfast?

Because it is beyond repoach

My friend promised to hide the cell key in my final meal, a plate of pasta.

But when I looked, there was gnocchi.

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate.

I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them.

Two plates go into a resteraunt

One plate says to the other, " Don't worry I'll pay for the meal." The other plate replies, " No dinner is on me."

A young minister sits down at the dinner table and immediately begins to eat...

His wife is shocked! "Dear! Aren't you going to say grace before you eat???"

The man looked down at his plate for a moment, then turned to his wife and replied:

"Honey, there isn't anything on this plate that I haven't thanked God for at least two times already."

Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES"

Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

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