My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me.

What does Isis use to clean its plates?

A Daeshwasher.

Where do bad plates go to after they've broken?

Helsinki

I’ve never trusted tectonic plates

They’re too shifty

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

A tectonic plate bump into another one and said....

My fault.

Found a man with a red dodge with a custom licence plate that read Klifford

Klifford the big red dodge.

(Based on a real event)

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

What's the same with a baby and a plate?

They both make a lot of noise when you drop them

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

Why is a plate of Eggs Benedict the perfect breakfast?

Because it is beyond repoach

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

I don’t care for much Chinese food, but when I see a big plate of egg noodles I go nuts

I’m kind of a Lo meiniac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

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A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."

The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands...

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

Grandfather, are these plates clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go o...

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

Jim walked into a bar......

Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings ...

What do you call a border dispute along tectonic plates that's settled through improv?

Whose Fault Line is it Anyway?

What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?

Dishrespectful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

My Coworker Dropped A Plate Today

The poor thing. It must be shattered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.

"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.

They are having sex when the man asks for a blow job. She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don...

I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

What do the majority of the people in the UK and a paper plate have in common?

They're both white trash.

I saw a car with the registration plate 'BDR MNHF' earlier.

Now I feel like I'm seeing it everywhere.

Two plates go into a resteraunt

One plate says to the other, " Don't worry I'll pay for the meal." The other plate replies, " No dinner is on me."

What numbers are in the number plate of optimus prime?

Prime numbers. A'right a'right I'll see my way out.

So I was reading licence plates...

The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

Got a tattoo on the small of my back of 2 dogs sharing a plate of spaghetti.

It's a Lady and the Tramp stamp.

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, tha...

My ex was a ceramic artist who painted a portrait of me on a black plate. After we broke up, it was all I could stare at.

**I was in a dark plate.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

What's a terrible plate pun?

dish one.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES"

Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..

At the restaurant with food still on my plate...

Server: "Do you wanna box for that"
Me: "No. It's not worth fighting for"

Ok guys seriously, can we stop with the obese jokes??

I mean they already have enough on their plate!

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

An 80yr old couple go to the doctors for a routine check up.

The doctor comes back with the results and says "Physically you are both fit as fiddles for your age. However mentally you are both beginning to lose it a bit. My suggestion for now is write things down when you think of them, that way you can keep on top of your to-do's".

So they go home, re...

Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?

Because they're in continents.

What do a plate of homemade brownies and a golden shower have in common?

Urine for a treat.

Whenever you're serving a dish with a hollandaise sauce, make sure to use a chrome plate.

Because there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.

One of my chefs at my culinary school told the class this one and we got out early because we couldn't stand to be in the room with him any more.

What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say?

Ewe haul.

My friend got a job fastening metal plates together. He hates it.

He says it's not fun or interesting, which I dont understand. I think his job is riveting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

I want to open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant

And call it "Tapas the Mornin' to Ja."

RIP Harris Wittels.

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

My son was upset his personalised number plate name was already taken

I'd never seen little YCM-846 so sad before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police

I got pulled over by the police after a night of drinking, doing drugs, and dancing.
He looked at my number plate and said "whiskey, charlie, tango"
I thought "how the fuck did he know that!"

A man went to his dad's house for a weekend.

For breakfast the man ate eggs,sausage, and toast. He notices there is some food specks from the dinner the night before he asks his dad "hey dad why isn't this plate clean?" his dad responds "it's the best Cold Water could get it".

Around lunch time the man is given a sandwich and chips by h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the worm that crawled out of a plate of spaghetti say?

"Worst gangbang ever"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crow flies into the tent of the ringmaster of an internationally famous circus.

"I hear you're looking for new acts," says the crow in a marvelously clear voice.

The ringmaster blinks a couple of times and says, "Are you talking?"

"Of course I'm talking," the crow replied with a scoff. "I talk, I speak seventeen languages, I sing baritone with perfect pitch. I'm d...

What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship?

Subduction!

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