The 86+ Best Plate Jokes

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Gentlemen !

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-

Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece

and

Frustration of ...

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?

"Whoops, my fault"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

Today I saw a license plate that said 420-fps

Their is no joke I just want to share something cool but I have no friends

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.

(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.

As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.

But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fe...

I getting “Jesus Is Lord” on my new license plate.

JISLORD

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

The Silver Plate...

My mom visited my private hostel where I shared a 2 bedroom flat with a female student. Mom invited my roommate for lunch with us which she obliged.

During the meal, my mother couldn't help but notice how pretty my roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between th...

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them?

A BOWLD MOVE!

it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy

I stopped putting money in the collection plate at church.

*Not once* have I gotten my popcorn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man:

\- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
\- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...

The wife then says:

\- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.

The man shoots a dark look at his wife...

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.

I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.

After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quick...

If I ever own a hydrogen car, I know what my license plate will be.

HNDNBRG

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard

They misheard the words *serene dijon*

What do you call a baby in full plate armor?

*Infantry*

Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments

Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate

...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.

(NSFW) A worm crawls out of a plate of spaghetti and says

“Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!”

They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy.

So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?

What do you call a plate of spaghetti that sells itself?

A pastatute

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

Guy: "WAITER!! Why did you bring me a wet plate!?"

Waiter: "Thats the soup sir"

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A brand new hubcap makes the best plate for eggs Benedict.

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

I saw a car with the license plate JOHNGALT

I didn't even know he lived near here, then I shrugged

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

My wife just looked at me and pointed to a pea on her plate, she said I found it on the table behind my plate

She said it was an esca-pea

What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

"You can't wear full plate mail to my sister's wedding!" shouted my wife

"But you said to wear my best suit and this one cost three thousand dollars"

"You spent *THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS* ON THAT STUPID THING???"

I hate to say it, but we're starting to have real hard wear/soft wear compatibility issues.

My friend promised to hide the cell key in my final meal, a plate of pasta.

But when I looked, there was gnocchi.

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them.

When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.
He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

What happens when one plate goes on top of another?

You get an earthquake

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

How do you clean plate-mail?

In the dishwasher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

How do tectonic plates greet each other?

They shake lands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company

It’s going to be called Au Nuts

There are two plates of cheese on the table, one of which belongs to you and one of which belongs to your friend. He offers you the cheddar. Should you take it?

Yes, because the other plate is nacho cheese!

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance.

....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny.

Revenge

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.
...

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common?

They’re both $70 rip off’s

I’ve never trusted tectonic plates

They’re too shifty

My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate.

I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them.

Where do bad plates go to after they've broken?

Helsinki

What do you say to someone when they walk in on you while you’re on your gold-plated toilet?

Welcome to my humble commode.

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An undertaker buys 2 vehicles and decides to get custom number plates.

He makes one "HIS" and the other "HEARSE".

Why is a plate of Eggs Benedict the perfect breakfast?

Because it is beyond repoach

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."

The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands...

What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

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