I’ve never trusted tectonic plates

They’re too shifty

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

Found a man with a red dodge with a custom licence plate that read Klifford

Klifford the big red dodge.

(Based on a real event)

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

A wave of crime is sweeping Metropolis. Superman is helpless to stop the instigator, a code-breaking enthusiast dressed in full plate armour.

Can no one save us from the Crypto-Knight?

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

A tectonic plate bump into another one and said....

My fault.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

Why is a plate of Eggs Benedict the perfect breakfast?

Because it is beyond repoach

Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

What do you call a pea that falls off your plate?

An Esca-pea!

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?

Ground beef

What's the same with a baby and a plate?

They both make a lot of noise when you drop them

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

I don’t care for much Chinese food, but when I see a big plate of egg noodles I go nuts

I’m kind of a Lo meiniac

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Grandfather, are these plates clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

Two Ukrainian ladies, Mary and Martha are sitting in a small town cafe and sharing a plate of perogies...

Mary looks across the street and sees a man coming out of the local flower shop.

"Look Martha, your husband Dmytro, he comes out of flower shop holding a dozen long stemmed roses"!

Martha replies: "Oh no, dis is no good, oy,yoy,yoy" while shaking her head side to side and wringing her...

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

What sort of plate do you serve a continental breakfast on?

Tectonic

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."

The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands...

A society without plates

Would be pure dishtopia

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

What do you call a border dispute along tectonic plates that's settled through improv?

Whose Fault Line is it Anyway?

What do you call someone who breaks a plate and then apologizes?

Dishrespectful...

My Coworker Dropped A Plate Today

The poor thing. It must be shattered.

What numbers are in the number plate of optimus prime?

Prime numbers. A'right a'right I'll see my way out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mexican went into a Japanese restaurant and ordered but only to be disappointed when he was served with a live Octopus slammed in his plate.

He asked for a taco.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.

"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.

They are having sex when the man asks for a blow job. She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don...

I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

What do the majority of the people in the UK and a paper plate have in common?

They're both white trash.

So I was reading licence plates...

The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"

Two plates go into a resteraunt

One plate says to the other, " Don't worry I'll pay for the meal." The other plate replies, " No dinner is on me."

Got a tattoo on the small of my back of 2 dogs sharing a plate of spaghetti.

It's a Lady and the Tramp stamp.

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, tha...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

I saw a car with the registration plate 'BDR MNHF' earlier.

Now I feel like I'm seeing it everywhere.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

What's a terrible plate pun?

dish one.

Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES"

Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..

Ok guys seriously, can we stop with the obese jokes??

I mean they already have enough on their plate!

At the restaurant with food still on my plate...

Server: "Do you wanna box for that"
Me: "No. It's not worth fighting for"

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

Why do tectonic plates wear diapers?

Because they're in continents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

What do a plate of homemade brownies and a golden shower have in common?

Urine for a treat.

My friend got a job fastening metal plates together. He hates it.

He says it's not fun or interesting, which I dont understand. I think his job is riveting.

My son was upset his personalised number plate name was already taken

I'd never seen little YCM-846 so sad before

[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

I want to open a Jamaican/Irish/Spanish small plate breakfast restaurant

And call it "Tapas the Mornin' to Ja."

RIP Harris Wittels.

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say?

Ewe haul.

A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested th...

What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship?

Subduction!

What do you call 2 fat goths?

Morbidly obese.


I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers travel across country.

Two brothers Jon and Dave from Newfoundland (Island off the east coast of Canada) decide to travel to Alberta to find work. The day they were ready to leave Dave began to have second thoughts.

Dave: “what’s wrong?”

Jon: “ I don’t think I can go, I’ll miss the ocean to much, get homesi...

you know happened after I nuked china?

I Burned myself on the plate.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Da...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

Did you hear about the time traveler who finished his plate?

He went back four seconds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

What do geological plates and dinner plates have in common?

They're both pieces of china.

How do tectonic plates have fun?

They meet up and crack each other up.