UPJOKE
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Chunk Jokes

A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.

Logarithms...

_Here come the down votes._

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town...

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town. The day after, hung over, the three friends meet.

The first friend says, "I can't believe how much we drank last night! I was so drunk, I blew chunks!"

The second friend shakes his head and says, "You think that's bad? I got so drunk...

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove ...

Got so drunk last night I blew chunks

Chunks is my dog

Blowing chunks

At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before.

"I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man.

"I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house," said the second man. ...

A small chunk of cereal made its way to his best friend

"I'm going to get married!" said the cereal

"Whoa, thats cool!" said his friend, "But I gotta warn you... its hard for cereal to maintain their marriage."

"Why is that?"

"Well, it seems like you've got this in the bag, but it always, my dear friend, always breaks down."

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

Chunks

A guy walks into a beer store, and asks the employee,

Guy: This is my first time buying beer, what do you recommend?

Employee: Bud Light is popular?

Guy: I'll take a 24 then. Same guy comes into the same beer store a week later and asks the same employee for a 24 of different...

I was so drunk last night I started blowing chunks when I finally got home

"Bro, dont worry, happens to everyone"

"Na, bro, you dont understand... Chunks is my dog"

I cracked open two eggs for breakfast this morning. One had two yolks, the other had a little chunk of steak.

The double-yolker was great! The meaty-yolker was just okay.

Blowing chunks

Two guys are talking and one asks the other, "Hey, you wanna go drinking later, I just got promoted?"
The other replies, "Thanks, but I can't."
"Aw, come one why not?"
"Cause last time I went drinking, I blew chunks."
"That's normal, people vomit after drinking all the time."
"No, yo...

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

I drank so much I blew Chunks

Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.

Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.

Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...

My friend got so drunk he blew chunks

Saw my friend come into work one morning looking hung over

Me: Had a rough time last night?

Friend: Yeah, I got so drunk I blew chunks!

Me: We've all thrown up after drinking, nothing to be ashamed of.

Friend: Chunks is my dog!

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What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?

Hail, Hitler!

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!

: As told by my 5 year old.

A man said to me, "Man, I was so wasted last night I went home and blew chunks!"

I said, "most people are sick after drinking too much."

"No, you don't understand." he replied. "Chunks is my pitbull."

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I tricked my construction coworker at lunch by putting chunks of concrete in his sandwich.

He shit a brick after he found out.

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

Three guys are drinking at a bar

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit dr...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says "Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special."

He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks.
...

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

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[OC] Three married women are discussing blowjobs.

"My husband always asks for them," the first woman complains, "but I can't stand the taste."

"Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple," suggests the second woman. "It will change the flavor of his semen."

The third woman perks up at this. "Wait, the taste changes depending on what m...

A man walks into a bar looking worse for ware

"Steve", the barman says, "you look terrible, what's up"

"Urgh, don't I know it, I've been up all night blowing chunks", he said as he sat down looking miserable

A guy by the bar overhearing says to the bartender, "oh god, poor guy, he must be really sick"

"You don't know the ha...

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door


A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there


"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

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3 girls meet up at a cafe after a huge night out

First Girl says: "OMG, I was so drunk last night, I got home and blew chunks in the lounge."

Second Girl: "That's nothing, I fell asleep with a smoke and burnt a huge hole in my carpet."

Third Girl: "That's nothing, I ran out of money and was so drunk that I fucked the taxi driver to p...

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".

2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5...

You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the do...

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3 friends go out drinking and the next day are are talking about how drunk they got.

Friend 1: I was so drunk that I blew chunks when I got home.

Friend 2: That's nothing, I pissed in my closet thinking it was the toilet.

Friend 3: I couldn't stand and ended up shitting myself in bed.

Friend 1: I don't think you understand, Chunks is my dog!

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An oldie but a goodie, for my dad

No, my dad's not dead! But he loves a good joke and this one leapt into my mind 40 years after I first heard it.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender is like hey, we don't allow dogs in here! But this guy is super posh and his dog is absolutely stunning! He says "This is a p...

A man walked into a bar and orders a drink...

“What’ll you have?” asks the bartender

Man - Anything but a Bud Light
So the bartender pours him a Jack and Coke

After a while the man again requests a drink.

Bartender - what will it be this time?
Man - Anything but a Bud Light
After then finishing his Old Fashioned, t...

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

A man walks into a barbershop...

...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."

The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."

The man replies, "Why not? It's wha...

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

Bad joke time

Three ladies (previously partying the night before) meet up for brunch and compare just how drunk they were.
Girl 1: I was so drunk last night that I ended up texting my ex-boyfriend professing my undying love.
Girl 2: that’s nothing I barely was able to stumble to my door. Once inside all ...

A man walks into a bar...

Upon entering, he notices a massive slab of meat hanging from the ceiling. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " Hey, what's up with the big chunk of meat up there?"

The bartender replies, "Its a wager. If you can jump up and hit the meat, you get an hour of free drinks, but if you miss, y...

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A ruff night NSFW

A guy walks into a bar as soon as it opens, bags under his eyes, hair all messed up and vomit on his shirt and says, "Bartender, give me the strongest shot you've got."

The bartender says, "Man, you look rough! Must have been one helluva night."

The man downs his shot and says, "Man, I...

A night of drinking

After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night

Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!

Girl 2: That’s nothing! When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bath...

So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, ...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into his favorite bar, still hungover from the night before.

The bartender says “You don’t look so good. Want your usual?”

The man says “Yea, sure. You wouldn’t believe the night I had. It was horrible. I blew chunks.”

The bartender says “That’s no big deal; everyone...

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

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Little Johnny Strikes Again

A very Petty school teacher wanted to stump the children so she instructed them to use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence when she called on them.

The 1st student called said, "The sky is definitely blue."
With a smirk on her face, the teacher said... "No the sky is sometimes other colors. ...

3 guys go out drinking one night.....

they get absolutely hammered and eventually find their ways home.

they all meet up the following morning for coffee and breakfast.

1st guy says: Man I was so hammered last night I went home and blew chunks!!

2nd guy says: That's nothing!! I woke up naked in the local park! No id...

A joke my friend told me

3 men hung out in a bar, and got extremely drunk. The next day, they got together again and complained about what happened to them when they went home.
The first man said “I got home and blew chunks all night!”
The second man said “You think that’s bad? I got home and my wife made me sle...

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Guy walks into a bar upset

Asks the bartender for a double shot of whiskey. Bartender pours it, and as fast as he puts I’d down the upset guys throws it on back.

He then asks for another double shot of whiskey. Bartender feels bad for the guy and says “This one is on the House.” Upset guy doesn’t flinch and downs it ag...

A man walks into his regular bar..

He takes an open seat next to the bartender. He and the bartender are good friends so they begin to talk.

"You want the same thing as yesterday? I just got restocked on your usual.."

"Nah. I don't drink that anymore. I drank so much that when I got home I started blowing chunks."
<...

My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and ...

Yo mama so fat...

It takes more than a single processor to load her chunks.

A hungover man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink of anything other than Coors Light...

Bartender: "What's wrong with Coors Light? It is one of the most popular beers."

Man: "Nothing wrong with it, but I drank 24 of them last night and I ended up blowing chunks."

Bartender: "It happens to the best of us, if you drink 24 of any drink you'd probably end up blowi...

Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see w...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick.

The bartender gives him one, and the guy leaves. "Odd, but okay," the bartender thinks.

A minute later, another guy walks into the bar, and asks for a toothpick. Again, the bartender gives him one, and he leaves. "Strange..." the bartender thinks.

A minute later, yet another guy walks ...

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that'...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

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A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

A guy goes into a bar . . .

. . . and the bartender offers him a Budweiser.

"No thanks," the guy says. "Last weekend I drank a case of Budweiser and I blew chunks."

"Well of course," the bartender says. "Anyone would throw up after drinking a case of beer."

"No, you don't understand," the guy says. "Chun...

A man is driving down a country road when he finds himself hopelessly lost.

He pulls over when he sees a farmer leaning up against a fence next to a dog. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him for directions, and the farmer kindly shows him on his way. Before he leaves, the man asks, "excuse me, does your dog bite?"

The farmer says "no he don't bite."

Th...

A man walks into a bar. (long)

Every night on the way home from work, a man visits his favorite bar and orders six shots of whiskey. He quietly sits at the bar, drinks each shot and heads home,

One night, the guy drinks his six shots and then tells the bartender that he's had the worst week of his life and today was the w...

A guy walks into a bar. . .

. . .And asks for a shot of vodka. The bartender tells him "You should come back here tomorrow we have a contest going on. Drink the most shots of vodka in 2 minutes and you win free shots for a year."

So the guy comes the next night and destroys the competition. Does 25 shots in two minut...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

3 guys walk into a bar...

Guy 1: Oh boy, I'm not drinking with you fellas. Last time I drank with you I got in trouble with the wife. Her parents were home for the night and when I got home I blew chunks in the living room in front of them.
Guy 2: That's nothing! When I got home my wife's mother was over and instead of sl...

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Guy walks into a bar…

Guy walks into a bar…

Orders 5 shots of tequila shoots them one after the other.

Bartender says “Are you celebrating?”

Guy says “Yup! Had my first blow job!”

Bartender says “Congrats! Here is one on the house.”

Guy shoots it, says “Six shots of tequila and i still ...

Three best friends get together at the bar.

All three get crazy drunk and then head home. The next weekend they meet up again.

Guy #1: "Guys, my life is ruined. I got so drunk last week that I was pulled over driving home and got a DUI. I'm probably going to have to go to jail."

Guy #2: "Damn, that sucks. But my night was worse....

My brother wanted me to go over the thumb rules of escaping a mass shooting..

- Clear out a particular chunk of the crowd,
- Shoot yourself in the foot
- Drop the gun and mix with the crowd.

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Three Drunk Girls

A blonde and two brunettes had gone out drinking Friday night and really tied one on. They all got back together for lunch on Sunday, and the two brunettes were shocked at how awful and sad the blonde looked. "I can't ever go drinking again", the blonde moaned. "That was the worst, most humiliating ...

Guy sits at the bar and orders 3 drinks..

After finishing them he walks home. The man comes by the following night and orders four of the same drinks again. The bartender asks why he ordered one more than the day before and he responds, "I just didn't get drunk enough." The man shows up and orders one more drink than the previous day for an...

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.

It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

Two hillbillies run into each other one afternoon...

the first one asks, "Hey bubba, do you want another bottle of that moonshine I hooked you up with last week?" Bubba says,"Hell no! That stuff had me blowing chunks all night long!!"
Puzzled, the 1st hillbilly says, "That's a tried and true family recipe. I've heard of lots of people getting ple...

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

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3 Guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they where on New Years.

3 guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they got during new years. The first guy says, "Man I was so fucking wasted I blew chunks in my neighbors pool." The second guy replies, "That's nothing. I cheated on my wife with another guy and she left with the kids." The third guy yells, "That's weak. I ...

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.

A man phones the customer service of a beer company.
Customer service: "Hello, what can I help you with today?"
Man: "There is something wrong with your beer, it made me blow chunks!"
Customer service: "Well ya, it'll do that."
Man: "No I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Anything but Guinness...

A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says "I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"
Clerk: "Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"
Guy: "I don't have anything bad to say about the taste o...

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This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

Two friends are talking...

and the first guy notices his buddy is looking like he has something bugging him.

He asks his friend, "Man, you look like you got something on your mind. What's up?"

"I just had a rough night. I went to the bar, got falling-down drunk, and when I got home, I wrecked my car into the tr...

Three drunks sitting at a bar

Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk the previous day.

1st drunk says "I was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks".

The 2nd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I drove home and crashed into a tree, kicked my front door down and wo...

Two friends meet after a long night of drinking...

...and the two compare how much they drank. The first says, "I must have downed a dozen shots of Tequila, and when I woke up this morning, I was naked on the floor of a hardware store."

The second says, "I chugged a bottle of whiskey, went home, and blew chunks."

The first chuckles "...

Three ladies are hanging out at a bar.

But its a quiet night, so they decide to mix it up a bit. Each decides to go to a bar and meet up the next morning, sharing stories on how drunk they got.

The next morning, the three ladies meet up at a coffee shop and begin to share their stories.

The first one begins, with "i got so ...

I was in a chemistry class

We were dissolving a solid pill in water. While everyone else's dissolved completely, mine had a few chunks left in the water. I asked the instructor what's the problem, but she just told me "whatever it is, you dont have a solution".

a man orders a shot at a bar...

the bartender is feeling nice and offers to give him one for free. the man declines saying,

"sorry i'll blow chunks if i take that"

"oh come on, live a little" says the bartender, "everyone pukes once in a while"

"no, you don't understand" says the man, "chunks is my dog"

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

A nacho enters the stomach

A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

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