Co-worker 1: "I got so drunk last night I blew chunks"

Co-worker 2: "Aww man that sucks, I've done that a few times in my day"

Co-worker 1: "You don't understand though, chunks is my dog.

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.

A chunk of wood that can make nice beats.

Logarithms...

_Here come the down votes._

You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the do...

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What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?

Hail, Hitler!

A man walks into a bar...

Upon entering, he notices a massive slab of meat hanging from the ceiling. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " Hey, what's up with the big chunk of meat up there?"

The bartender replies, "Its a wager. If you can jump up and hit the meat, you get an hour of free drinks, but if you miss, y...

A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

A guy walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, anything but Budweiser".

He drinks his beer, and again asks for anything but Budweiser.

The Bartender asks,"What's wrong with Budweiser?"

The patron replies, "Oh man, last time I had Budweiser, I got really messed up and blew chunks all...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

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A Panda walk into a bar.

The Panda immediately attacks the fucking hostess mauling her brutally. Screaming patrons run out side doors jump through windows all in an attempt to avoid the rampaging bear who by now is taking savage swipe after savage swipe tearing meaty chunks out of people as they run.

Finally the bar ...

There's a guy sneaking around in grocery stores in my town dropping chunks of dry ice in boxes of cereal.

We're being attacked by a cereal chiller!

: As told by my 5 year old.

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

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I tricked my construction coworker at lunch by putting chunks of concrete in his sandwich.

He shit a brick after he found out.

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

Blowing chunks

At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before.

"I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man.

"I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house," said the second man. ...

So a guy walks into a beer distributor...

Guy walks into a beer distributor and asks for a case of bud light



Distributor: " why wouldn't you just get Budweiser, its on sale"



Man: " ah last time I had a whole case of that I was blowing chunks all night"



Distributor: " yeah if you drink a whole cas...

Congratulations! You successfully delivered that bell with no chips or chunks of it breaking off. Please see us to receive your...

No Bell Piece Prize

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

A man walks into a bar. (long)

Every night on the way home from work, a man visits his favorite bar and orders six shots of whiskey. He quietly sits at the bar, drinks each shot and heads home,

One night, the guy drinks his six shots and then tells the bartender that he's had the worst week of his life and today was the w...

My friend got so drunk he blew chunks

Saw my friend come into work one morning looking hung over

Me: Had a rough time last night?

Friend: Yeah, I got so drunk I blew chunks!

Me: We've all thrown up after drinking, nothing to be ashamed of.

Friend: Chunks is my dog!

I drank so much I blew Chunks

Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.

Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.

Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower ...

I just broke up with my girlfriend

I'll tell you what happened

The other night we were at a party at one of our friends house, she really can't handle alcohol but she just kept drinking and drinking, she got so drunk that I more or less had to carry her out to the car and take her home, when we got back to the house she stumbl...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

Chunks

A guy walks into a beer store, and asks the employee,

Guy: This is my first time buying beer, what do you recommend?

Employee: Bud Light is popular?

Guy: I'll take a 24 then. Same guy comes into the same beer store a week later and asks the same employee for a 24 of different...

Blowing chunks

Two guys are talking and one asks the other, "Hey, you wanna go drinking later, I just got promoted?"
The other replies, "Thanks, but I can't."
"Aw, come one why not?"
"Cause last time I went drinking, I blew chunks."
"That's normal, people vomit after drinking all the time."
"No, yo...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

Guy goes into his neighborhood bar and sits down.

The bartender says, "Hey, Floyd, you want the usual Budweiser?"

"No", says Floyd. "I must have drank thirty beers last night. I staggered home and blew Chunks for 45 minutes."

The bartender says, "Well, what do you expect after drinking over a case of beer?"

"You don't underst...

So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.

Me: what would you recommend?

Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.

Me: sounds good .

Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.

Me: awesome, noted.

Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey ...

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

Population Growth

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and des...

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A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

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[Long] A redneck walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender pours his drink and says, "Good taste. Bud is my favorite."

The redneck replies, "Bud is all I drink these days. I used to be a Coors man but that beer is worse than piss! Last time I drank Coors, I blew chunks!"

Taken back, the bartender accepts his patron's tastes and s...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

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A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood

(the African jungle, in fact) and was surprised to hear a strange noise coming from a nearby clearing. Peeping out from between the trees, he saw a female elephant weeping in distress, so he swaggered up to her and said "It's okay, chill, I'm not gonna hurt you."

And the elephant looked dow...

Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get ...

A night of drinking

After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night

Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!

Girl 2: That’s nothing! When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bath...

Regretting a bender

A bartender looked up to see one of his regulars step up to the bar, and slouch over burying his head in his hands. The bartender asks, “Rough day, Sal? What should I pour you?” Sal mumbles, “Make it a water, I’m done drinking forever!” The bartender smirks, “ You’ve said that before, Sal, countles...

3 guys go out drinking one night.....

they get absolutely hammered and eventually find their ways home.

they all meet up the following morning for coffee and breakfast.

1st guy says: Man I was so hammered last night I went home and blew chunks!!

2nd guy says: That's nothing!! I woke up naked in the local park! No id...

I was in a chemistry class

We were dissolving a solid pill in water. While everyone else's dissolved completely, mine had a few chunks left in the water. I asked the instructor what's the problem, but she just told me "whatever it is, you dont have a solution".

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says "Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special."

He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks.
...

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So this guy meets a girl at the bar

So this guy meets a girl at the bar and after a few drinks they go back to her place. Going hot and heavy at it he goes down on her. While he's eating her out a kernel of corn comes out. He finds it odd but keeps going. Then a piece of carrot comes out and he thinks to himself, "wow this chick is in...

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Guy walks into a bar upset

Asks the bartender for a double shot of whiskey. Bartender pours it, and as fast as he puts I’d down the upset guys throws it on back.

He then asks for another double shot of whiskey. Bartender feels bad for the guy and says “This one is on the House.” Upset guy doesn’t flinch and downs it ag...

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and ...

Yo mama so fat...

It takes more than a single processor to load her chunks.

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

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A car is speeding on the highway going insanely over the speed limit...

A cop spots the car and proceeds to chase him. Eventually he catches up with him and pulls him over. The cop goes to the driver's window and asks 'License and registration please?' The guy says: 'I don't have any, this is a stolen car.' The cop says: 'Let me see the glove compartment' and the guy sa...

Obama Dies and Goes to Hell

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you wh...

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit dr...

A guy walks into a bar...

...and tells the bartender "Give me anything but a Budweiser." So the bartender hands him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, man comes in and says "Give me anything but a Budweiser." Bartender gives him a beer, the man drinks it, and leaves.

Next day, he comes back with t...

Guy sits at the bar and orders 3 drinks..

After finishing them he walks home. The man comes by the following night and orders four of the same drinks again. The bartender asks why he ordered one more than the day before and he responds, "I just didn't get drunk enough." The man shows up and orders one more drink than the previous day for an...

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A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a beef and bourbon bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him "We don't serve beer to bears in beef and bourbon bars"

The bear is pissed and shouts "Give me a fucking beer!"

The bartender replies "We don't serve beer to bears in beef and bourbon bars who be...

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

(Clean) A group of nuns wanted to make a little money on the side...

They were quite good at woodworking and wanted to make something that the local kids would enjoy so they decided to start up a company that makes yo-yos. Pretty soon making the yo-yos and fulfilling the orders started to take up a good chunk of their time and it caught the attention of the Mother Su...

A man walks into a bar...

And asks the bartender "Get me a drink. I'll take anything but Bud Lite."


Bartender asks "What do you have against Bud Lite?"


"Well last time I drank that stuff I killed 21 bottles, went home and blew chunks." He answered


"You must be stupid! Drinking 21 of anything ...

Give a man a fish...

He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give the man some dynamite and there will be little chunks of fish all over the village.

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A man walks into a bar...

.... And orders a drink. As the bartender is getting it for him, he notices a jar of ten dollar bills on the counter.

"What are those for?" He asks.

"We have a competition running." Replies the bartender. "You put ten dollars in the jar and I give you three tasks. If you complete the t...

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Guy walks into a bar…

Guy walks into a bar…

Orders 5 shots of tequila shoots them one after the other.

Bartender says “Are you celebrating?”

Guy says “Yup! Had my first blow job!”

Bartender says “Congrats! Here is one on the house.”

Guy shoots it, says “Six shots of tequila and i still ...

I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake.

It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

3 guys walk into a bar...

Guy 1: Oh boy, I'm not drinking with you fellas. Last time I drank with you I got in trouble with the wife. Her parents were home for the night and when I got home I blew chunks in the living room in front of them.
Guy 2: That's nothing! When I got home my wife's mother was over and instead of sl...

A man walks into a barbershop...

...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."

The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."

The man replies, "Why not? It's wha...

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A man desperately needs a restroom

A man out for a night in town gets a sudden, desperate urge to take a dump. He walks to the bathroom but it's full. He runs over to the bartender and desperately questions if there is some sort of special employee restroom he can use.

"Sure. Go upstairs. Take a left."

The man rushes up...

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The story of a man and his pregnant wife

My wife is prego, but we like to get kinky anyway. One night things begin to get particularly saucy - I'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights. It's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period, I look up at her glassy, jarred facial expres...

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A middle aged woman was looking at herself in the mirror...

... And she kept talking to herself about her appearance.

- Look at your saggy boobs, I mean they used to be so perky and full and now look at these empty skin socks.

- Wow, the years have not been kind to your butt, you could have bounced a quarter off of my apple shaped bottom and lo...

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

A nacho enters the stomach

A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.

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Are you sick? (NSFW)

So this man and a woman go out for drinks and dinner and they are really hitting it off, so they decided to go back to her place for sexy times.
He starts to eat her out and he comes across a piece of carrot inside of her. He doesnt want to break the mood so he just ignores it and keeps going. A...

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

The Blacksmith and the Iron Ore

A miner extracts a big chunk of iron ore and decides to use it for his own gain. He takes the ore to the blacksmith.


The blacksmith inspects the ore and states
"Well, they's a lot of iron in this chunk. I'll be able to extract enough iron to make you a **greatsword**! Come back tomor...

Jesus decides to give the apostles a bunch of gifts...

Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.

*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.

Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock....

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So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse."
"Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over...

Guarding a block of ice

A guard was keeping tabs on a block of ice. Just when his shift was almost over a small man appeared out of nowhere. Startled, the guard raised a gun and shouted, "stay back! What do you want?"

The small man answered, "I am but a humble gnome seeking a small piece of ice."

"I h...

A man walks into his regular bar..

He takes an open seat next to the bartender. He and the bartender are good friends so they begin to talk.

"You want the same thing as yesterday? I just got restocked on your usual.."

"Nah. I don't drink that anymore. I drank so much that when I got home I started blowing chunks."
<...

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that'...

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A couple had only been married for two weeks.

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pre...

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Lumber Inspector for Hire

A blind guy applies for a job as a lumber inspector at the mill.

The boss, obviously confused, exclaims, "How can you grade wood well being blind?"

The blind guy retorts back saying he has an excellent sense of smell and to "Try it out."

Amused the boss grabs a piece of wood out...

a man orders a shot at a bar...

the bartender is feeling nice and offers to give him one for free. the man declines saying,

"sorry i'll blow chunks if i take that"

"oh come on, live a little" says the bartender, "everyone pukes once in a while"

"no, you don't understand" says the man, "chunks is my dog"

Three ladies are hanging out at a bar.

But its a quiet night, so they decide to mix it up a bit. Each decides to go to a bar and meet up the next morning, sharing stories on how drunk they got.

The next morning, the three ladies meet up at a coffee shop and begin to share their stories.

The first one begins, with "i got so ...

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Disgusting joke

This guy gets released from jail. The first thing he wants to do is eat some pussy, he loves mowin pussy. So he takes what money he has and finds a hooker. They go back to a seedy hotel and he proceeds to devour her snatch. As he starts he finds a bread crum, but flicks it aside hardly noticing. The...

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A lady walks in too an ice cream store.

A lady walks in to an ice cream store and asks the friendly guy behind the counter, "Could I get some chocolate ice cream please?" the man behind the counter says, "I am sorry ma'am, we are all out of chocolate ice cream." The lady looks around for a while then asks, "How about chocolate fudge ice c...

Yoda stands in the doorway, surveying the crime scene.

The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can...

A man is walking down the street very hungry....

and he only has 2 dollars in his pocket. No matter where he looks, 2 dollars doesn't seem to buy him a meal. That is until he comes across a restaurant who specializes in chili, and they were having a special. One bowl of chili for 2 dollars! So the man walks into the restaurant and immediately sees...

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3 Guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they where on New Years.

3 guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they got during new years. The first guy says, "Man I was so fucking wasted I blew chunks in my neighbors pool." The second guy replies, "That's nothing. I cheated on my wife with another guy and she left with the kids." The third guy yells, "That's weak. I ...

Two hillbillies run into each other one afternoon...

the first one asks, "Hey bubba, do you want another bottle of that moonshine I hooked you up with last week?" Bubba says,"Hell no! That stuff had me blowing chunks all night long!!"
Puzzled, the 1st hillbilly says, "That's a tried and true family recipe. I've heard of lots of people getting ple...

Three drunks sitting at a bar

Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk the previous day.

1st drunk says "I was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks".

The 2nd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I drove home and crashed into a tree, kicked my front door down and wo...

A hungover man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink of anything other than Coors Light...

Bartender: "What's wrong with Coors Light? It is one of the most popular beers."

Man: "Nothing wrong with it, but I drank 24 of them last night and I ended up blowing chunks."

Bartender: "It happens to the best of us, if you drink 24 of any drink you'd probably end up blowi...

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