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Worth Jokes

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

A boy asked his Crypto-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Shiba Inu currency..

Dad: $16.57? What do you need $3.28 for?

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

My employer is unable to pay me what I'm worth.

Because it would violate minimum wage laws.

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

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Not Worth His Time. [long]

An insurance tycoon is on his deathbed in a vast lavish mansion. His final minutes tick by. His wife and children work away on funeral arrangements in the next room and speculate about their inheritance. His only company is a Young Attorney.

He struggles to wheeze out some final words to the ...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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Not mine but worth it

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car.

Where’s he going, pump 4?

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

I went into the Citgo gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

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Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra.

The judge described them as hardened criminals

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little long, but might be worth it

There once was a lady who was hearing impaired, A man had asked her to go canoeing on the river. As they were on the river they get to the fork and the man says " do you wanna go up or down " ? She exclaims !!! "OH My" pulls down her pants and they proceed to get it on. The next day he again asks if...

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

My boss said I’m a worker worth paying attention to

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

Having a kid is not worth it

It’s only fun conceptually

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Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

My rock collection isn't worth much...

But it has sedimental value

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How do you get to own a company worth a Billion? It's actually quite easy. Just...

...spend 44 Billions to buy one, and then piss off your customers and fire half the staff. That should do it.

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Read the whole thing, it’s worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex

The hospital in their defense stated “all we did was correct his eyesight”

What is a show about handheld timepieces worth?

A rewatch.



Well, until next time...

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Long but worth it

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"...

A picture worth millions

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that s...

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

Pay me what I'm worth!

I once asked my boss for a raise.
He asked me how much I wanted.
"Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Life without Love isn’t worth living.

Love without Life is necrophilia.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

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Young sales man (long but worth it)

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, bu...

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

If an opinion is worth 2 cents, how many cents is an argument worth?

It really just depends on how much cents it makes.

Why are sperm donations worth more than blood donations?

Because they’re made by hand

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Blondes have worth too

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, ...

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

It's worth it

One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too:

So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, ...

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

My financial advisor asked me "What's your net worth?"

I said "I don't own a net".

Alcohol is not always the answer…

…but it’s worth a shot.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

which of course explains why so many photographers are broke.

Long, but worth it.(?)

Two hunters were walking around a farmer's property looking for game when they came across a very large, seemingly bottomless hole in the ground.
'How deep you think it is?'
'I dunno, let's chuck something in'
They look around for some big enough to make a decent sound when it hit the botto...

What do you call an MLM with a product that's actually worth buying?

A cartel.

Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke)

The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.

Police say a Maryland man stole $369 worth of erectile dysfunction and insomnia meds from a pharmacy

Apparently he wanted to stay up but not stay up.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

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Johnny getting his monies worth!!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw t...

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.

Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told the...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

Two quarters aren’t worth much....

But 50 Cent is worth about $30 million

Sorry it’s a bit Long but worth it

A kid walks up to his dad and ask “how were humans created” his dad said “Adam and eve had babies and their babies had babies and so on” t kid then goes ask his mom the same question his mom replies “we were once monkeys then we evolved to humans” the kid goes back to his dad and says “you lied to m...

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

Why are 1968 pennies worth almost $20?

Because that's only 32 short.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

What is America worth?

Nothing, it's a free country.

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So there was a mighty hunter...(long but worth it)

Who went out hunting one day. The hunter comes upon a field and spies a massive grizzly bear. So he crouches down with his rifle, lines it up just right and Ka-boom! After the shot rings out, he can't see the bear. He looks around left and right until he feel a tap on his shoulder.
It's the b...

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

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Dead Cow and the Mermaid (a bit long but worth the ride)

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.


Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she pos...

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New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

Emo girls be like- how much am I worth...

Girl scan the code on your wrist

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

My girlfriend cant wrestle worth a damn

But you should see her box

I can't stand the ignorance of some reddit commenters

The reason they do this is because they want to show what they know about the issue, it gives them sense of worth and want to feel validated. I know this because I ~~have a degree in psychology~~ saw a youtube video

8 Days’ Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something.

But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

I asked my mom how much I'm worth

She asked me how much a 6 pack of beer costed in 2002

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

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A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO.

Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven.

An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some r...

Mr. Fenwood owns a cow, but has nowhere to pasture her . . .

. . . So he talks to his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and cuts a deal to pasture his cow in Potter's field for $200 per month. Months go by and the cow is happy, but Fenwood hasn't paid Potter anything.

After 10 months, Potter goes to Fenwood to sort things out.

"Listen, you owe me $2000 an...

I watched the US Presidential Debate last night, but I don't know if it was worth it

If I wanted to watch two old men fighting and screaming at each other, I would have just gone to bingo night at the local nursing home‬.

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