This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living.

The bartender was almost trampled to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a long joke but I think it’s worth it.

A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods. Suddenly a magic owl appears and says to them: “Stop the hunt! I am a magic owl and I give each of you 3 wishes. Who begins?”
The bear directly says: “Me! I wish that every bear in this forest becomes a female.” *and his wish came true*
The rabbit wishe...

A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Did you hear about the guy who stole $10,000 worth of textbooks from the University book store?

They made him return both of them.

I asked my bitcoin investing friend...

... can you give me $10.00 worth of bitcoin?
My friend: why do you need $9.53 worth of bitcoin, what will you do with $10.46 worth of bitcoin?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife said, you know Hun a picture is worth a thousand words, I said.

Well go to art school and shut the fuck up:

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(joke is long but worth it!) Three guys are on an island and meet a tribe of Indians. The Indians tell them to pick a fruit and gather ten of them. The first guy comes back with ten apples. The Indians tell him to shove them up his ass with no emotional expression. (Continued)

He made a pain expression. He got shot with arrows. The second guy comes back with cherrys. He almost got there but then he started laughing hysterically. He gets shot with arrows. The first and second guy meet in heaven and the first guy asks, "Why did you laugh, you almost made it?" He answers,"I ...

Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?

He went to jail for Oolong time.

I was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils.

It was worth the whisk.

My girlfriend cant wrestle worth a damn

But you should see her box

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

If you shave the corners off a 50 pence piece how much is it worth?

Around 50p

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

Worth it !

Me : is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet store : aluminum I think.
Me : so there’s no nickel in this cage ?
Pet store : Don’t u dare!
Me : it’s a nickless cage
Pet store : GET OUT!

When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

Circumcisions are odd. Expensive ones are worth it, while...

Cheap ones are ripoffs

(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush?

When one cock can't satisfy, but toucan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny getting his monies worth!!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw t...

Was it worth it?

A boy wanted to take his crush to prom. So one day he decided to ask her. He said, “Will you go to prom with me?” But got no response.

He waited and waited and waited...

Until finally she said yes. So he became excited and started preparing. He bought a tuxedo and asked her what dress...

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

How to have $1 Million worth of Crypto Currencies

Start off with $2 Million

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young sales man (long but worth it)

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

Here's an oldie but a goldie. Worth the read!

Two men were going on a lengthy trip on horseback. Every night they would stay in an inn and set out the next morning. After the first night however, they couldn't tell who's horse was who's. They debated for almost 10 minutes when one guy said, "OH! I remember. I shaved my horse's tail. See, this o...

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

Who cares if Apple is worth 10^12

I heard Google is worth 10^100

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

8month pregnant women gets on a bus.(Repost but worth it)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained t...

Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper.

She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.

Did you know that a single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it? That means your average fap is worth 1587.5 TB.

That's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

I asked my mom how much I'm worth

She asked me how much a 6 pack of beer costed in 2002

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

Is a newer $100 bill worth more than a older one?

Yeah, $100 is more than $1.

Recently a robber stole 300 cups worth of coffee beans

How does he sleep at night.

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

If you are worth 75 million dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world just by asking.

If you are worth 75 billion dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world without asking.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

I always thought my kitchen was worth more, until I had my house appraised.

Moral of the story: Don't take your countertops for granite.

Women, sleeping with a bartender won't get you drinks for free...

but it's worth a shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

Elon musk is worth 21B dollar, but he is still not married

that's the reason why he's worth 21B dollar.

Three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled ...

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door

Everyday my 90 year old neighbour who has alzhiemers knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife .

And everyday I have to tell that 90 year old man his wife has been long dead .
You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving.

But you know ...

Mother is shocked when her daughter comes back from school with five dollars worth of quarters.

Daughter: “the boys at school kept dropping these quarters in front of me and I kept picking them up.”

Mother: “ no honey, don’t. The boys at school are probably looking at your underwear under your skirt when you reach down for the quarters....”

So the daughter goes back to school the...

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.