If you shave the corners off a 50 pence piece how much is it worth?

Around 50p

I was arrested for stealing kitchen utensils.

It was worth the whisk.

I am an ex-demolitionist fired for accidentally destroying five million dollars worth of property. AMA!

Edit: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to blow up!

My girlfriend cant wrestle worth a damn

But you should see her box

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

My financial advisor asked me "What's your net worth?"

I said "I don't own a net."

This is a long joke but the build up is worth it

Somewhere far away from here, there was a horse, a cow and a chicken. The horse had always wanted to start a band, so he learnt to play the guitar, while he was learning, he started looking for others who would be interested in joining his band, and found a chicken who was really good at singing and...

Worth it !

Me : is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet store : aluminum I think.
Me : so there’s no nickel in this cage ?
Pet store : Don’t u dare!
Me : it’s a nickless cage
Pet store : GET OUT!

(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush?

When one cock can't satisfy, but toucan.

Was it worth it?

A boy wanted to take his crush to prom. So one day he decided to ask her. He said, “Will you go to prom with me?” But got no response.

He waited and waited and waited...

Until finally she said yes. So he became excited and started preparing. He bought a tuxedo and asked her what dress...

Circumcisions are odd. Expensive ones are worth it, while...

Cheap ones are ripoffs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

How to have $1 Million worth of Crypto Currencies

Start off with $2 Million

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A weeks worth of golf

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long bird...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny getting his monies worth!!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw t...

Young sales man (long but worth it)

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, bu...

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

Here's an oldie but a goldie. Worth the read!

Two men were going on a lengthy trip on horseback. Every night they would stay in an inn and set out the next morning. After the first night however, they couldn't tell who's horse was who's. They debated for almost 10 minutes when one guy said, "OH! I remember. I shaved my horse's tail. See, this o...

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Who cares if Apple is worth 10^12

I heard Google is worth 10^100

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

I asked my mom how much I'm worth

She asked me how much a 6 pack of beer costed in 2002

8month pregnant women gets on a bus.(Repost but worth it)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper.

She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.

Is a newer $100 bill worth more than a older one?

Yeah, $100 is more than $1.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.27? ..... What do you need $7.56 for?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Did you know that a single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it? That means your average fap is worth 1587.5 TB.

That's a lot of information to swallow.

Recently a robber stole 300 cups worth of coffee beans

How does he sleep at night.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

Women, sleeping with a bartender won't get you drinks for free...

but it's worth a shot

I always thought my kitchen was worth more, until I had my house appraised.

Moral of the story: Don't take your countertops for granite.

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

If you are worth 75 million dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world just by asking.

If you are worth 75 billion dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world without asking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

Mother is shocked when her daughter comes back from school with five dollars worth of quarters.

Daughter: “the boys at school kept dropping these quarters in front of me and I kept picking them up.”

Mother: “ no honey, don’t. The boys at school are probably looking at your underwear under your skirt when you reach down for the quarters....”

So the daughter goes back to school the...

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

New coin is coming out that is worth 8 times more than bitcoin!

It’s name is bytecoin!

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,...

It's worth it

One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too:

So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, ...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion

To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.