Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

What is the penalty for polygamy?

Two mother-in-laws.

Why does this joke have a death penalty?

It’s poorly executed

What penalty did the guy who said "oink oink" to a cop get?

He got 6 months for impersonating a policeofficer

What's the Penalty for Bigamy in Utah?

Two mothers-in-law.

Did you see that documentary about the death penalty?

Tired concept, great execution.

I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife.

He said that's not how a divorce works.

What should the penalty for smoking marijuana be?

Getting stoned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:

Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?

(Juror stands)

Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?

Judge: Yes.

Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do i...

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?"

"Death by old age"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.

What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug?

One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.

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Once there was an American bus driver with a terrible habit.

Every time he saw an old lady approach the bus, he’d jingle his bell and vroom away just as they put one foot on the bus, leaving them to die on the pavement. Now, after a few months of him doing this, he was caught and sentenced to death. They put him in the electric chair, booped the button, and n...

Penalty for Lying

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,


...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

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A sliced shot into the buttercups

A man is playing golf and on the 3rd hole he slices his drive deep into the woods. He goes into the woods and he locates his golf ball in a patch of buttercup flowers. Now he has a decision to make. He can either play the ball where it lies and destroy the buttercups in the process or he can declare...

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What does a black man do when faced with the death penalty?

Nigga pleads.

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?

She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.

The priest says "Golf can ge...

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Once there was a boy in Alabama who loved trains.

It was his life, he’d get his dad to take him to train shows, play with them at home, read books about them in elementary school, the works. In high school he studied and kept his GPA high so he’d be able to go for his dreams: to be a train conductor. Upon graduating high school he got accepted int...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too m...

Two old college buddies bump into each other

Two old college buddies bump into each other at the reunion after 10 years apart. Jack and Hadid used to be thick as thieves back in college, chasing girls, getting into trouble and all sorts of mischief.

Jack was surprised to find out that Hadid also took up a career in stand up comedy and b...

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't hear who was convicted of murder?

He got the deaf penalty.

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A guy loves motorcycles, especially vintage ones. After years of trying to save money for one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson...

A guy loves motorcycles, especially when it comes to vintage motorcycles. After years of trying to save money in order to buy one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson at a great price. When he saw the motorcycle for the first time, he was stunned because of how clean and bright it was. ...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."

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A golf joke

A man walks off the golf course and into the country club's bar. His forehead is cut, and there's blood all over his face and shirt. The bartender says,"What in the world happened to you?" The guy says, "Just set me up a double Scotch." So the bartender gives him his drink and asks again happened to...

During World War II, four men are captured by the German forces...

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

New studies in India shows that

9 out of 10 would like death penalty removed from gang rape charges

Justice

The word of the day is "just."

"Just" is a fun word, because it can mean both "absolutely" and "barely."

Examples:

That's just fantastic.
-and-
That's just enough.

"Just" may also be used to regard something as fair or deserved.

The judgement was just.
-an...

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

Any last words?

Three criminals get the death penalty - the method of execution is by electric chair.

 

On the day of the execution, the first criminal sits in the chair. The guard asks him: "Any last words?", to which the criminal says: "I believe in God and I know for sure that He will pro...

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4

Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.

"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."

The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting ...

A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

“Did you commit the crime?”

“No sir, I did not.”

“I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?”

“Yes sir, and it’s a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.”

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets.

His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an...

I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

An Olympic Gymnast walks into a bar.

He gets a two point penalty and ruins his life-long ambition of becoming an Olympic medalist.

Two men are out golfing

The first one goes up to the tee, swinging and hooking it right into a water hazard. He pulls out a second ball from his pocket when his buddy yells at him.

"The hell do you think you're doing?"

"Well you see, I made a new golf play. I call it 'The Clinton.' You see, I didn't intend...

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short o...

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

Chinese and Russian soldier

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a pa...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

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I don't get sports lingo.

It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that.

A businessman and a blonde sit next to each other on a plane.

The businessman is bored so he asks the blonde to play a game." I ask you a question. If you can't answer it you give me 5 dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer I'll give you 5 dollars".

The blonde agrees but hikes up the businessman's penalty to 500 dollars, complaining...

3 soldiers crash on German territory in World War 2...

They were an American, a Brit and a Belgian soldier.

Since it's 1944 and the Germans still have hope the commanding officer offers them a way out; They can choose between the electric chair, a firing squad or the gallow.

With each penalty comes the rule: survive 3 times and you're fr...

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A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

The generals chauffeur was late...

and the general needed to be at a meeting on the other side of the base in ten minutes. The luckless private chauffeuring the jeep was going around corners on two wheels, running red lights and speeding like a maniac.

The general asks the private, "Son, do you know what the penalty is fo...