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Penalty Jokes

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I don't believe in the death penalty

the last person I want to see in Hell is the asshole who just killed me.

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

What's the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

Penalty for Lying

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,


...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

What happened after the U.S. imposed the death penalty for banking-related crypto fraud?

Bank-Man fried!

What‘s the penalty for polygamy?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

Death Penalty Abolished In Most Of The Developed Countries

They have mortgage as an alternative.

Similarity between a beer and a penalty?

The English can easily swallow 3 of them in a few minutes.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Why did the dog get a penalty?

For ruffing.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

What should the penalty for smoking marijuana be?

Getting stoned

My friends and I were given the death penalty

We pleaded to the judge that if we die, we die together. So instead of sending us one by one with an electric chair, they brought the electric couch.
I guess we're about to get execushioned.

I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife.

He said that's not how a divorce works.

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

I'm on Trial for Murder

The prosecutor says to me while I'm on the stand, "Did you kill that man?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"

I said, "Yeah it's a lot less than the penalty for murder."

A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

“Did you commit the crime?”

“No sir, I did not.”

“I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?”

“Yes sir, and it’s a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.”

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

Did you see that documentary about the death penalty?

Tired concept, great execution.

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

What penalty did the guy who said "oink oink" to a cop get?

He got 6 months for impersonating a policeofficer

Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug?

One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.

A man steals a train and kill 5 people...

When the time comes for his last meal request, he asks for a single banana, nothing else. The prison guards oblige. The next morning, he's strapped to the electric chair. Guards flip the switch, nothing happens!

Since you only get one shot at the death penalty, the man is released. He goes ri...

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

Two generals are going to a meeting with the emperor..

General 1: "What's the penalty for being late to meet the Emperor?"

General 2: "Death. He's a stickler for that stuff, you know that!"

1: "And what's the penalty for starting a rebellion?"

2: "Come on man, it's death. Obviously. Why do you ask?"

1: "Well, we're late..."

Paradox

To be pro life and for the death penalty at the same time

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

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If my sex life was a hockey game

I'd be awarded a lot of penalty shots after losing so many scoring opportunities.

The 2020 Football Season

Where you get a penalty for not face masking.

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

Justice

The word of the day is "just."

"Just" is a fun word, because it can mean both "absolutely" and "barely."

Examples:

That's just fantastic.
-and-
That's just enough.

"Just" may also be used to regard something as fair or deserved.

The judgement was just.
-an...

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4

Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just...

The bad train driver

A train driver got bored during his work so decided to see how fast his train went, it went so fast the track broke and he killed someone. He got sent to court and given the death penalty by electric chair. For his final meal he chose to have a banana. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped ...

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't hear who was convicted of murder?

He got the deaf penalty.

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

The generals chauffeur was late...

and the general needed to be at a meeting on the other side of the base in ten minutes. The luckless private chauffeuring the jeep was going around corners on two wheels, running red lights and speeding like a maniac.

The general asks the private, "Son, do you know what the penalty is fo...

An Olympic Gymnast walks into a bar.

He gets a two point penalty and ruins his life-long ambition of becoming an Olympic medalist.

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I don't get sports lingo.

It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that.

Definitions in construction

*Tender submission* - A game of poker in which the losing hand wins
*Tender sum* - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places
*Successful Tenderer* - A contractor wondering what they left out.
*Architect* - A person who knows very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and le...

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

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A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM.

Even worse, he received a penalty for early withdrawal.

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Two men are out golfing

The first one goes up to the tee, swinging and hooking it right into a water hazard. He pulls out a second ball from his pocket when his buddy yells at him.

"The hell do you think you're doing?"

"Well you see, I made a new golf play. I call it 'The Clinton.' You see, I didn't intend...

Any last words?

Three criminals get the death penalty - the method of execution is by electric chair.

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On the day of the execution, the first criminal sits in the chair. The guard asks him: "Any last words?", to which the criminal says: "I believe in God and I know for sure that He will pro...

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

A nun goes out to play golf (long)

A nun steps into a confession booth and asks the priest to forgive her for she has taken the lords name in vein. The priest say what happened sister?

She explains that she was out playing golf and hit a beautiful drive right into the center of the fairway.

The priest says "Golf can ge...

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short o...

3 soldiers crash on German territory in World War 2...

They were an American, a Brit and a Belgian soldier.

Since it's 1944 and the Germans still have hope the commanding officer offers them a way out; They can choose between the electric chair, a firing squad or the gallow.

With each penalty comes the rule: survive 3 times and you're fr...

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A golf joke

A man walks off the golf course and into the country club's bar. His forehead is cut, and there's blood all over his face and shirt. The bartender says,"What in the world happened to you?" The guy says, "Just set me up a double Scotch." So the bartender gives him his drink and asks again happened to...

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets.

His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an...

A man is being tried for murder, but the body has not yet been found.

The jury is considering the death penalty. The man's defense lawyer comes on the podium and says he has a revelation to make.

"The victim is alive," the lawyer says, "I found him and he will enter this doorway right about now."

The court then turns their heads toward the door waiting ...

A businessman and a blonde sit next to each other on a plane.

The businessman is bored so he asks the blonde to play a game." I ask you a question. If you can't answer it you give me 5 dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer I'll give you 5 dollars".

The blonde agrees but hikes up the businessman's penalty to 500 dollars, complaining...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

Golfer's Dilemma

You are playing in a golf tournament and to your astonishment you are actually winning as you reach the 18th hole. With a one stroke lead over your final opponent, who also happens to be playing the final hole with you, you step up to the tee and hit a perfect 300 yard shot dead center fairway. Your...

There was an old Bolivian train driver...

who had been driving trains for nearly 25 years, maintaining a perfect record. One day, he is running a little behind and will be late to his next stop if he doesn't hurry. He calls into the train station and asks to speed up the train so he can make it in time. They tell him that he's hauling too m...

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

Chinese and Russian soldier

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a pa...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

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Once there was a boy in Alabama who loved trains.

It was his life, he’d get his dad to take him to train shows, play with them at home, read books about them in elementary school, the works. In high school he studied and kept his GPA high so he’d be able to go for his dreams: to be a train conductor. Upon graduating high school he got accepted int...

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