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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

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A little girl earns a paycheck...

Edit, it cut off the start for some reason.

A young family moved into a house next to a lot with a house being built.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually th...

What do you call a paycheck from a dirty job?

A Mike Rowe transaction.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now...

...after years of hard work and commitment, I'm living direct deposit to direct deposit.

Kevin is on his way home after receiving his paycheck when a stomachache hit him..

Luckily, he was passing by a river.
Kevin ran for it and made a quick drop at the bank.

How do you hide a fat man's paycheck?

Put it on his treadmill.

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

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How is a penis and a paycheck the same?

Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife

I added a zero to my paycheck today!

Zero plus zero is still zero...

Was going to make a joke about my paycheck...

Turns out I have insufficient puns

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

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TIFU by asking my wife what is the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

She said "there is a possibility of increase in size of your paycheck."

A Buddhist monk gets a job at the USPS in Orange County, California

His job is to take any mail which is markef "return to sender" and recirculate it in the local Orange County post, getting it where it needs to be.

At the end of his second week, his manager comes to him with a paycheck. The monk refuses it. When the manager asks why the monk was working fo...

A math professor, Dave, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

I wonder if my mom still remembers how to slap me into next week

I could use my paycheck early.

Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck?

Because he put in a little extra clovertime.

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

How are diamond rings and cocaine similar?

Both are purchases you'll spend a whole month's paycheck on, and probably end feeling regret.

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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

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One day three women went for a job interview.

The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received?

The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.”

When he asked the second one she replied...

Yo mama so ugly

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck.

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like i...

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my
pocket."

"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth
raise you've had in the last half hour!"

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A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed ...

-Love, this paper proves that I can't have children

- is it a medical exam?
-no, it's my paycheck.

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Or what?

A guy goes to a sex therapist and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The therapist advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You s...

Why did the man quit his job at the organic parsley farm?

They kept garnishing his paycheck.

I think my girlfriend is a magician.

She makes my paycheck disappear.

The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and...

I hate my job at the crematorium

But at last I urn a paycheck.

Trolley conductor

There is a town, in this town there is a massive trolley business. They have the best trolleys and they make the most money. They make their money by not paying people very much, people like George.

George was a trolley conductor for many years and he lived paycheck to paycheck. Part of his j...

Every Friday after work, a man heads to his local bar and gets completely drunk...

... Every week he wastes most of his paycheck on the Friday night booze, and then stumbles home to a very angry wife who is struggling to make ends meet.

One week, his wife makes a very serious threat. She says, "if you come home totally drunk one more Friday night, I'm going to divorce you."...

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A Catholic, Lutheran, and a Jew are having dinner...

They start talking about how much they give for their weekly offerings.

The Lutheran says, "I take $100 out of every paycheck and give it as my offering."

Both other men agree, "Good man, good man."

The Catholic responds, "I take 50% out of all my paychecks and give it as my of...

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My mom's (a lawyer) favorite lawyer joke.

A big law firm has been catching a lot of flak for not having enough women in their firm, so they decide to hire three women and make one of them partner. So the heads of the firm go out and find three female candidates. However, they needed a way to decide which one of them to make full partner. ...

They said to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I did, and my next paycheck was 22% less.

a guy's wife died

so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash

If a guy says he can't feel anything while wearing a condom...

Ask him if he can feel the money being sucked out of his paycheck for the next 18 years

How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

Hide his paycheck with his kids.

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this...

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Not sure if this old Leroy/Ruby joke is racist or not ... what do you think?

Leroy comes home late Friday night after spending a few hours at his usual watering-hole, and Ruby starts giving him the usual business about him going there and spending down his paycheck.

So Leroy takes a thick roll of notes out of his pocket and says "Well what do you think of this, woman?...

The IRS is going to start garnishing my wages.

I think I'll enjoy getting a sprig of parsley in my paycheck.

A woman has an affair..

A few weeks go by and the woman realizes she is late on her period. So she calls the man over to her house to discuss the issue.

"How could you let this happen?? If I have a child from you, you're going to provide for it!" The woman says.

"Of course, of course," the man replied. "If ...

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