I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

I did it! I followed my goal to save $20 from each paycheck in 2020.

I have $60.

Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet?

He already had all the tips he needed.

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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

What did the chef do with his laddle after he got his first paycheck?

He souped it up.

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I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

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Well slap my ass and call me a paycheck

Because I’m never enough.

Used to know a guy who worked at the GAP. Spent half his paychecks buying clothes there.

He really sold himself shorts.

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck

My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.

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A little girl earns a paycheck...

Edit, it cut off the start for some reason.

A young family moved into a house next to a lot with a house being built.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually th...

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

Was going to make a joke about my paycheck...

Turns out I have insufficient puns

After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.

When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied “That wou...

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How is a penis and a paycheck the same?

Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?

The riverbank.

How do you hide a fat man's paycheck?

Put it on his treadmill.

Kevin is on his way home after receiving his paycheck when a stomachache hit him..

Luckily, he was passing by a river.
Kevin ran for it and made a quick drop at the bank.

I added a zero to my paycheck today!

Zero plus zero is still zero...

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Kanye’s rise to fame

Right before dropping out of college and kick starting his rap career, Kanye West went to visit his wealthy aunt, Shirlie Faulker, who owned a rubber products manufacturing factory on the outskirts of Paris, France. He decided to spend his summer break working at the factory part time while deciding...

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TIFU by asking my wife what is the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

She said "there is a possibility of increase in size of your paycheck."

After being fired Donald Trump went to collect his last paycheck from NBC

but HR wasn't sure who toupee

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck?

Because he put in a little extra clovertime.

I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was....

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Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

Why is spider-man the most relatable superhero?

cause if he misses one paycheck his life is over.

>!He's probably not holding up during the pandemic.!<

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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Yo Mama so ugly,

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck.

Two old men finally retire...

They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in a...

I wonder if my mom still remembers how to slap me into next week

I could use my paycheck early.

One hell of a job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss, that’s just my payc...

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed ...

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One day three women went for a job interview.

The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received?

The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.”

When he asked the second one she replied...

I think my girlfriend is a magician.

She makes my paycheck disappear.

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A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and...

I hate my job at the crematorium

But at last I urn a paycheck.

Why did the man quit his job at the organic parsley farm?

They kept garnishing his paycheck.

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My mom's (a lawyer) favorite lawyer joke.

A big law firm has been catching a lot of flak for not having enough women in their firm, so they decide to hire three women and make one of them partner. So the heads of the firm go out and find three female candidates. However, they needed a way to decide which one of them to make full partner. ...

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Or what?

A guy goes to a sex therapist and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The therapist advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You s...

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A Catholic, Lutheran, and a Jew are having dinner...

They start talking about how much they give for their weekly offerings.

The Lutheran says, "I take $100 out of every paycheck and give it as my offering."

Both other men agree, "Good man, good man."

The Catholic responds, "I take 50% out of all my paychecks and give it as my of...

-Love, this paper proves that I can't have children

- is it a medical exam?
-no, it's my paycheck.

Trolley conductor

There is a town, in this town there is a massive trolley business. They have the best trolleys and they make the most money. They make their money by not paying people very much, people like George.

George was a trolley conductor for many years and he lived paycheck to paycheck. Part of his j...

Every Friday after work, a man heads to his local bar and gets completely drunk...

... Every week he wastes most of his paycheck on the Friday night booze, and then stumbles home to a very angry wife who is struggling to make ends meet.

One week, his wife makes a very serious threat. She says, "if you come home totally drunk one more Friday night, I'm going to divorce you."...

Are Computers Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this...

a guy's wife died

so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash

How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

Hide his paycheck with his kids.

The IRS is going to start garnishing my wages.

I think I'll enjoy getting a sprig of parsley in my paycheck.

A woman has an affair..

A few weeks go by and the woman realizes she is late on her period. So she calls the man over to her house to discuss the issue.

"How could you let this happen?? If I have a child from you, you're going to provide for it!" The woman says.

"Of course, of course," the man replied. "If ...

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