My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...

...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

I’m new to the stock market and I’ve been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I’ll explain.

That’s when I tend to buy them.

Lawyer: Your honor, my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: he's in a cent!

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Only if I had a penny for everytime

My boss asked me to work late in the evening. By now, I would have,



Hit him to death with those pennies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 5 Penny Joke

I have 5 pennies. I lay one on a table.

"Smell anything?"
I point to the penny.
"There's a cent."

I lay a second penny down.
"See any fruit?"
"There's a pair."

Third penny.
"See any cops?"
"There's three coppers right there."

4th.
"See any cars?"...

If I had a penny for everytime I didn’t understand what was going on

I’d be asking “Why do I keep getting pennies?”

Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?

He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"

An old one

A little girl walks up to her dad and says “dad, are our neighbours poor?”
Dad :“I don’t know little one, but you should not judge some one on their looks. But why do you ask?”
Girl: “ they are all crying as their baby swallowed a single penny!!”

Lawyers

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity....

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

How do you turn a penny into a dollar?

Cut it into four quarters.





I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry

Why didn't the penny do well at school?

He didn't have much cents.

(My 9 year old just made it up)

Why do penny-pinchers make great hunters?

Because they’re good at picking up cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ...

Oh wait, they do.

If I had a penny for

every reposted joke in r/jokes , then I could finally afford healthcare in US

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

How poor are you?

I’m so poor, I have to refinance before I can spare a penny for your thoughts.

What would you call a graduated penny?

Pennywise.

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time I had sex...

I'd be a very poor prostitute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

I donated $100 to a blind children's charity...

Too bad they won't ever see a penny of it.

A philosopher saw a pimp having a sale on some of his hoes

The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

Man asked God : what's a million dollars to you? God : A Penny. Man said to God : would you give me a penny? God stopped : Yes I will.........

......... Just a SECOND

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

If I had a penny for every time a girl didn't find me attractive

I'd eventually have enough money that they would.

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

Did you hear JC Penny opened a store in Zimbabwe?

It’s called JC Trillion Dollars

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

I have a friend named Penny...

She has a very low sense of self-worth.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump

Just so that a cent is covering the odor

The US mint seems to be broken

The penny marking machine at the US mint just stopped working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents!

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

Your momma is so poor

She could fart on a penny and she still wouldn’t have gas money

What did the stupid penny say to the other stupid penny?

Let’s get together and make some cents.

I asked a homeless man how he became homeless

He said he offered blondes a penny for their thoughts

Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each

Leonard only had a penny

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists were testing whether throwing a penny from the top of the Empire State Building could kill someone

To their surprise, the test subject standing downstairs was indeed killed, as well as a Jew who jumped after the penny.

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?"

He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

It only costs 1 penny to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping or dressed as a dolphin...

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

If I had a penny for every time I thought about my enemies...

I'll have no pennies. Cause I erased them all.

What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless?

Penny wise

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are waiting in line to interview with St. Peter, hoping to get into Heaven....

St. Peter looks in his records & says to the first man “hmm. This doesn’t look good. I see here you were a very greedy man. So greedy in fact that you married this woman here just because her name is Penny. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.”

Saddened, they walk away and the next couple w...

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

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