If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now

I would have a pence

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards,

Because change should come from within.

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

If I had a penny for every time Donald Trump said something stupid,

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time I’ve had sex...

... I’d be penniless

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

Your Honor, here’s a penny with Abraham Lincoln’s face on it.

This shows I’m in-no-cent.

It only costs 1 penny to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping or dressed as a dolphin...

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?"

He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."

A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"

"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"

"God, what is a million years to you?"

"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."

"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I underst...

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump

Just so that a cent is covering the odor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...

Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

What did the stupid penny say to the other stupid penny?

Let’s get together and make some cents.

The penny is the most common among coins in circulation.

It's common cents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A penny saved is a penny earned....

...but a penny earned isn't anything to fucking brag about

A girl goes to a date with a Jewish guy

They sit on a hill at night, looking at the stars. The guy seems very shy, and so they sit in silence.

Wanting to break the awkward silence, the girl says "A penny for your thoughts", the guy smiles and replies "Well... will you hug me?", she gets closer and he puts his arm around her.
...

If I had a penny for every time I heard "I love you" today...

It might make me reconsider taking my wife out for dinner.

A man was talking to God...

Man: God, how much is a million years for you?

God: For me, it's just one minute.

Man: God, how much is a million dollars for you?

God: For me, it's just one penny.

Man: God, can I have a penny?

God: Wait a minute.

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

Someone threw a penny at me today...

I thought it was real cheap.

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Five Penny Trick

Something I remember from my misspent youth.

Requires five pennies, placed down one at at time, heads up.

Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."

Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"

Place the third penny....

If I had a penny for every time I thought about my enemies...

I'll have no pennies. Cause I erased them all.

If I had a penny for every time I said "diet starts tomorrow"

I could afford liposuction.

If I had a penny for every time somebody said I was materialistic...

I'd probably be able to afford some Gucci socks.

Man with a penny, a man with a pole, and a man with a hand grenade

An old joke my cousin told me when we were kids.

A man with a penny gets on an airplane. Once in the air, he drops his penny out of the plane. Later, he goes walking and he sees a little boy crying.

"Little boy, why are you crying?"
"A penny fell from the sky and hit me on the hea...

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

My kid told me a joke about the U.S. Treasury ending the penny.

It didn't make any sense.

The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....

The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.

"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"


(Best told in person)

Today I saw a penny in a urinal and wondered what they wished for.

I'm wishing for a drier pocket.

A bought a farewell card for only a penny...

It was a good buy.

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

If I had a penny for every trump joke,

I'd have enough money to build a wall...

TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth

That makes very little cents

Why would anyone buy a broken penny minting machine?

It makes no cents!

When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...

...I guess Canada fears change

Penny Lane

A school day starts as normal but minutes after the bell rings a student comes in the teacher asks "where have you been" to which he replies "up Penny Lane Miss", teacher shrugs as he takes a seat, minutes pass and another late comer arrives "where have you been?" "Up Penny Lane Miss" " ok take your...

What did the penny stockholder sing at the campfire?

12.8 billion shares on the wall 12.8 billion shares... you take 300 million down, you pass them around, 12.8 billion shares on the wall!


(Triple checked for typos, all good)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How was copper-wire invented?

Two jews and a penny.

Did you hear about the penny and magnifying glass who got married?

Their wedding was magnifycent.

A penny saved...

... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!

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