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Penny Jokes

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

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The 5 Penny Joke

I have 5 pennies. I lay one on a table.

"Smell anything?"
I point to the penny.
"There's a cent."

I lay a second penny down.
"See any fruit?"
"There's a pair."

Third penny.
"See any cops?"
"There's three coppers right there."

4th.
"See any cars?"...

How does a penny look under a microscope?

Magnificent.

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

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A father walks into a bar with his son and gives him three pennies to play with.

Suddenly the boy starts choking. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father panics and shouts to the bar's patrons for help.

A well-dressed, attractive and seri...

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:

"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"

Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:

"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the...

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

A quarter, dime and penny walk into a bar...

Just wait this joke is going to make a lot of cents.

When someone says to me, "A penny for your thoughts?" I ask for a quarter

It makes more cents.

A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"

"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"

"God, what is a million years to you?"

"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."

"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I underst...

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The Five Penny Trick

Something I remember from my misspent youth.

Requires five pennies, placed down one at at time, heads up.

Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."

Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"

Place the third penny....

Your sister is just like a penny.

When i see her im hoping for head!

My friend just tickled me with a penny.

She said I needed a cents of humor.

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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy? Tertible! His wife divorced him and left him without a single penny!

\- Well, I have it far worse. Not only is my wife ileaving me without a single penny, she also has absolutely no intention to divorce me.

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A penny saved is a penny earned....

...but a penny earned isn't anything to fucking brag about

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

Why did Penny push Sheldon onto the grease fire?

She was trying to put out the fire with a wet blanket

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

The man who invented spreadable margarine got scammed out of every penny he made out of it.

I can't believe he's not bitter.

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

What would you call a graduated penny?

Pennywise.

Why do penny-pinchers make great hunters?

Because they’re good at picking up cents

A cheap man dropped a penny from the fifth floor

When he came down to pick it up he couldn't find it and was about to go crazy.

5 seconds later the penny reached the ground.

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

Only if I had a penny for everytime

My boss asked me to work late in the evening. By now, I would have,



Hit him to death with those pennies.

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

If I had a penny for

every reposted joke in r/jokes , then I could finally afford healthcare in US

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Why didn't the penny do well at school?

He didn't have much cents.

(My 9 year old just made it up)

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

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in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

Psychiatrist…..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. ...

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

A man goes to a restaurant

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The...

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Three couples in line to enter the Pearly Gates…

St. Peter addresses the first couple. He reads from the big book and finally looks up at the man and says with a dripping sarcasm, “You want to get into heaven? You were the cheapest son of a gun who ever lived! You didn’t give to charity. You didn’t help out family members. You were so obsessed wit...

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

I have a friend named Penny...

She has a very low sense of self-worth.

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

“God, how long is a million years?”

“God, how long is a million years?”

“To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

If i had a penny for every time a Ukrainian man saved the world from eventual nuclear fallout

If i had a penny for every time a Ukrainian man saved the world from eventual nuclear fallout due to Russian stupidity, I'd have 2 pennies; it's not a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

Did you hear JC Penny opened a store in Zimbabwe?

It’s called JC Trillion Dollars

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was accused of stealing a penny?

"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

A penny saved...

... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!

My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...

...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

Someone threw a penny at me today...

I thought it was real cheap.

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If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?

He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

Reddit is like a shiny new penny...

It's fun to look at but completely worthless

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If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

If I had a penny...

...for every time people screwed up their punchline.

I'd be one penny richer now.

Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny..

because they didn't make a lot of sense?

My rare penny collection isn't very wise...

It completely lacks common cents.

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a ...

If I had a penny for every time a girl didn't find me attractive

I'd eventually have enough money that they would.

A charity worker goes to visit a very successful businessman in his town to find out why he has never donated to any charity in the community.

"Sir, you have been so very successful in this town, and this community has given you much. Why have you never given back to the community?"

The businessman says, "Listen, son, did you know that my wife's mother has been suffering for years in the hospital, and requires constant care and medi...

Franklin 2.0

I used to collect pennies in a jar, but the jar filled up quickly. So I bought an urn.

A penny saved is a penny urned.

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

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Canada Eliminates the Penny....

Canada eliminates the penny and advices retailers to round to the nearest nickel officially claiming they don't give a shit about its citizen's 2 cents....finally an honest government!

$50 is $50

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the f...

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