If I got a penny for every time I wasn't cool

I'd have... NO PENNYS!
*-whips out deck of Pokemon cards-*

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

If I had a penny for every time I saw a post / comment about the minimum wage hike....

I'd be making 1500 pennies an hour.

I’m new to the stock market and I’ve been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I’ll explain.

That’s when I tend to buy them.

Lawyer: Your honor, my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: he's in a cent!

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

How do you turn a penny into a dollar?

Cut it into four quarters.





I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?

He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"

If I had a penny for everytime I didn’t understand what was going on

I’d be asking “Why do I keep getting pennies?”

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

Why didn't the penny do well at school?

He didn't have much cents.

(My 9 year old just made it up)

What would you call a graduated penny?

Pennywise.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was accused of stealing a penny?

"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"

Why do penny-pinchers make great hunters?

Because they’re good at picking up cents

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The 5 Penny Joke

I have 5 pennies. I lay one on a table.

"Smell anything?"
I point to the penny.
"There's a cent."

I lay a second penny down.
"See any fruit?"
"There's a pair."

Third penny.
"See any cops?"
"There's three coppers right there."

4th.
"See any cars?"...

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

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A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids.

“You all have obsessions,” he observes.

“You,” he says to the first mother, “you're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”

He turns to the second mum, “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child's name, Penny”.

He goes to the third mother, “Your ob...

A guy once asked God: "how much 1 million years is for you?"

God replied: "1 million years for you is 1 second for me"

The guy continues to ask: "Okay, so how much it 1 million dollars to you?" To which God replied: "1 million dollars for you is 1 penny for me"

The guy then asks: "Can I have a million dollars?"

God says: "Okay just give m...

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ...

Oh wait, they do.

If I had a penny for

every reposted joke in r/jokes , then I could finally afford healthcare in US

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in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

I donated $100 to a blind children's charity...

Too bad they won't ever see a penny of it.

Why was the pimp livid?

He was offered a penny for his thots.

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

For my birthday my grandfather gave me half a penny.

He handed me a penny and told me because it is my birthday I could keep the change.


When he died we were instructed not to throw in flowers because he didn't like them so I threw in a penny and said "Here is the other half of the penny, because it is your funeral keep the change."

Did you hear about the bankrupt penny factory?

Makes no cents.

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A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

The US mint seems to be broken

The penny marking machine at the US mint just stopped working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents!

If I had a penny for every time a girl didn't find me attractive

I'd eventually have enough money that they would.

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

Your momma is so poor

She could fart on a penny and she still wouldn’t have gas money

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

I asked a homeless man how he became homeless

He said he offered blondes a penny for their thoughts

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

I have a friend named Penny...

She has a very low sense of self-worth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma always said...

Growing up, my grandma always said: "a penis ate is a penny earned". She was a wise woman, but I'm starting to think that her rates were kind of low.

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

Did you hear JC Penny opened a store in Zimbabwe?

It’s called JC Trillion Dollars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless?

Penny wise

Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each

Leonard only had a penny

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are waiting in line to interview with St. Peter, hoping to get into Heaven....

St. Peter looks in his records & says to the first man “hmm. This doesn’t look good. I see here you were a very greedy man. So greedy in fact that you married this woman here just because her name is Penny. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.”

Saddened, they walk away and the next couple w...

A teacher worked for an affluential school

She asks her little students to bring something from their family for a show and tell. The next day, she calls little Mary to show what she had brought.

"I've brought a scalpel, teacher. It's my mom's, she is a heart surgeon"

"Oh, how marvelous! And you, Luke, what do you have there?"<...

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

;-)

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump

Just so that a cent is covering the odor

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desperat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

What did the stupid penny say to the other stupid penny?

Let’s get together and make some cents.

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

It only costs 1 penny to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping or dressed as a dolphin...

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

One Man's Request

A man prays to speak to God every night and one night God responds to him.

God asks the man, "What is your question my son?"

God, how long is a million years?

It is just a minute to me, my son.

God, how much money is a million dollars?

It is just a penny to me, my...

I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?"

He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

If I had a penny for every time I thought about my enemies...

I'll have no pennies. Cause I erased them all.

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