If I got a penny for every time I wasn't cool

I'd have... NO PENNYS!
*-whips out deck of Pokemon cards-*

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

Why do some people not understand jokes about penny wise?

Because they couldn’t get IT.

Did you hear about the bankrupt penny factory?

Makes no cents.

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

If I had a penny for every time a girl didn't find me attractive

I'd eventually have enough money that they would.

Did you hear JC Penny opened a store in Zimbabwe?

It’s called JC Trillion Dollars

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

How does a penny look under a microscope?

Magnificent.

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke,

I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Dave walks into a bar

He is served a pint of lager.
"1 penny please" said the barman
"1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave
"That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman.
after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine
"That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can...

A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"



"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"



"God, what is a million years to you?"



"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."



"Hmm," ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Attorney: My client is clearly trapped in a penny...

Judge: What?

Attorney: He is in a cent.

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God.

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.

"God what have I done to deserve this, my wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me." he says.

God suddenly appears in front of him and says "So...

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

A poor philosopher walks up to a pimp and says...

"A penny for your thots."

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time I was in Amsterdam and I decided to go to the Red Light District

As I was walking by the sex shops and back alleys I ran into a man in a suit who said
_"Hey! You lookin' for a good time?"_
So we got to talking and he eventually cut to the chase and said
_"Look you have two choices, our cheapest prostitutes can be had for a cent but our finest will run ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples died and arrived at the pearly gates.

As the first couple stepped forward St. Peter held up his hand and said, “I’m sorry but you may not enter.”
The befuddled husband asks, “why not?” Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved money more than you loved God. In fact, you cherished money so dearly you married this wo...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

A man is talking to God...

“God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time I’ve had sex...

... I’d be penniless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

A man walks into a discount brothel

He approaches the counter and asks,

"penny for your thots?"

I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump

Just so that a cent is covering the odor

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

It only costs 1 penny to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping or dressed as a dolphin...

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

Your Honor, here’s a penny with Abraham Lincoln’s face on it.

This shows I’m in-no-cent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 couples die and go to heaven. St Peter is at the gate. He is asking each couple for their names ...

“Bill and Penny” The first couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with money” St Peter tells them.
“Jack and Brandy” The second couple say.
“I’m sorry but I cannot let anyone in who has a name associated with alcohol” St Peter tells them.
“Hey Fanny, ...

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

I went to the perfume store and asked the guy there, "Penny for your thoughts?"

He replied, "I'm quite sorry, sir, but I only have scents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

Someone threw a penny at me today...

I thought it was real cheap.

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

My friend rip me this joke and I can’t stop laughing

Lawyer: my client is stuck in a penny

Judge: what

Lawyer: he is in a cent

Judge: he is in a cent?

Lawyer and client leave the courtroom doing the joker and spider man dance

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

The penny is the most common among coins in circulation.

It's common cents.

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

If I had a penny for every time I heard "I love you" today...

It might make me reconsider taking my wife out for dinner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penny saved is a penny earned....

...but a penny earned isn't anything to fucking brag about

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A minute."

Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A pen...

The local strip club had a sale.

Their sign said a penny for our thots.

3 men preachers go to heaven

3 preachers get in a wreck with their wives and go to heaven, and st. Peter meets them at the gates and says to the first one- "you can't get into heaven. You have lusted for money your whole life. You wouldn't even get married until you found a woman named penny." And then he says to the second man...

How copper wire was invented.

Dad: So, what did you need help with?

Son: I need to know how copper wire was invented.

Dad: It all started when 2 lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Son: ...

Man with a penny, a man with a pole, and a man with a hand grenade

An old joke my cousin told me when we were kids.

A man with a penny gets on an airplane. Once in the air, he drops his penny out of the plane. Later, he goes walking and he sees a little boy crying.

"Little boy, why are you crying?"
"A penny fell from the sky and hit me on the hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

Today I saw a penny in a urinal and wondered what they wished for.

I'm wishing for a drier pocket.

If I had a penny for every time somebody said I was materialistic...

I'd probably be able to afford some Gucci socks.

A fortune teller told me I'd come into big money one day.

I'm now married to my over weight wife called penny.

The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....

The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.

"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"


(Best told in person)

My kid told me a joke about the U.S. Treasury ending the penny.

It didn't make any sense.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.