If I got a penny for every time I wasn't cool

I'd have... NO PENNYS!
*-whips out deck of Pokemon cards-*

Earl and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say,

“Earl, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Earl always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Earl and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Earl, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never get...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

If I had a penny for everytime I didn’t understand what was going on

I’d be asking “Why do I keep getting pennies?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 5 Penny Joke

I have 5 pennies. I lay one on a table.

"Smell anything?"
I point to the penny.
"There's a cent."

I lay a second penny down.
"See any fruit?"
"There's a pair."

Third penny.
"See any cops?"
"There's three coppers right there."

4th.
"See any cars?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

A man asked God,

Man: Is it true that one billion years is like a second to you?

God: Yes, it is.

Man: Is it true that a billion dollars is like a penny to you?

God: Yes, it is.

Man: Then, could you please give me one penny then?

God: Sure, gimme a sec.

My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...

...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.

A man is talking to God!

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is

a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is

a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penny?

God: "Wait a minute."

I’m new to the stock market and I’ve been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I’ll explain.

That’s when I tend to buy them.

How do you turn a penny into a dollar?

Cut it into four quarters.





I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

Lawyer: Your honor, my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: he's in a cent!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three preachers and their wives die in a car accident.

They all show up in line at the pearly gates, and the first couple walk up to St. Peter. St Peter says to the first preacher: "You've been pretty good you know, but you loved money so much you married a girl named Penny. You go on down to purgatory for a bit until you're sorry." Second preacher walk...

Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?

He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"

If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ...

Oh wait, they do.

Want to hear a joke about extrinsic motivation?

An old man enjoyed sitting on his front porch every day until the elementary school bell rang and neighborhood kids walking past his porch stopped to taunt him from the sidewalk.
Finally, the old man came up with a plan.
He offered the children a dollar each if they’d return the next day...

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

Why didn't the penny do well at school?

He didn't have much cents.

(My 9 year old just made it up)

What would you call a graduated penny?

Pennywise.

Why do penny-pinchers make great hunters?

Because they’re good at picking up cents

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was accused of stealing a penny?

"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

If I had a penny for

every reposted joke in r/jokes , then I could finally afford healthcare in US

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?" and God said, "A minute."
Then the man asked, "Well, what's a million dollars to you?" and God said, "A penny."
Then the man asked, "God.....can I have a penny?" and God said, "Sure.....in a minute."

The kids saw a hot-dog stand

They went near it and their stomach already started to rumble. There was not a single penny in their pockets. The boy said, "What are we gonna do?", which the girl replied," Lets just take a quick smell". And they both took a deep breath

Suddenly the vendor emerged and shouted at the kids, "W...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Guy dies during operation and goes to heaven

So this guy has surgery and he dies. He was supposed to survive the surgery. So when he goes to heaven Saint Peter says it was a total mistake we're going to send you back but God wanted to talk to you first. So he goes to God and God's talking to him and says how is a mistake. And God says to make ...

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

The Florists wife was Rose

The weatherman’s wife was May

The bankers wife was Penny

And the senators wife was Peggy.

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny every time someone over 50 told me my generation is shit

Then I could buy a house in the economy they fucked up

I recently started investing heavily into penny stocks.

It just seemed to make a lot of cents...

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

I've decided to open the world's cheapest brothel.

Penny for your thots?

Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

An old one

A little girl walks up to her dad and says “dad, are our neighbours poor?”
Dad :“I don’t know little one, but you should not judge some one on their looks. But why do you ask?”
Girl: “ they are all crying as their baby swallowed a single penny!!”

Did you hear JC Penny opened a store in Zimbabwe?

It’s called JC Trillion Dollars

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time a woman called me sexy...

I wouldn't be able to afford another pair of Crocs.

My lawyer is worth every penny...

...he charges because of the time he saves me.

This year, for example, he probably saved me five to ten years, in prison.

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a han...

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

My wife just stormed into the kitchen, furious at how cheap and a penny pincher I’ve become.

She’s in there now, tearing all the plates in half.

Lawyers

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity....

I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump

Just so that a cent is covering the odor

When I was a kid a piece of bubble gum used to cost a penny. You know what happened?

Inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Five Penny Trick

Something I remember from my misspent youth.

Requires five pennies, placed down one at at time, heads up.

Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."

Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"

Place the third penny....

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

How poor are you?

I’m so poor, I have to refinance before I can spare a penny for your thoughts.

What did the stupid penny say to the other stupid penny?

Let’s get together and make some cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

A sheep finds a penny on the street

"Better than mutton."

It only costs 1 penny to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping or dressed as a dolphin...

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

If I had a penny for every time I thought about my enemies...

I'll have no pennies. Cause I erased them all.

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

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