UPJOKE
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Why should you never listen to coins?

It never makes any cents

Imagine a Coin Machine, that doesn't make coins.

It doesn't make any cents!

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

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I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins.

I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

Where do coins get committed after a crime?

The pennytentiary

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Whoever coined the term “Expiration Date” made a huge mistake.

It should have been called Spoiler Alert.

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Why did the Buddha shit coins?

because change comes from within.(joke from south park’s game

How’s that kid doing that swallowed all those coins?

No change yet…

A Chinese coin joke

Boy meets girl in a club. After the usual preliminaries and some vertical dancing, they go back to her place for the horizontal kind. As they are madly undressing each other, she sees he's wearing a Chinese coin on a leather cord around his neck. "What's this about, tiger?", she asks. He gives h...

When I'm older, I want to be a 1€-Coin

Why? Because wise people always tell me: Be the change you want to see in the world

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

A dumb blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why ...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

Two beggars, one dressed as a rabbi and the other a monk, are sitting adjacent to each other outside of a church collecting charity one Sunday morning

And with each churchgoer who passes by on the way to Sunday services, they deliberately walk past the rabbi, some even spitting down at him, and then very obviously taking pains to give the monk a donation. With each passerby the begging Rabbi’s bowl remains empty, while the monk’s gets progressivel...

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

I made little coins out of some Indian flatbread

I thought they were cool, but my mom said it was nothing but naan cents.

Wanna hear a joke about money?

I think it's a really funny joke. I coined it myself.

I saw someone rubbing an American coin with a Canadian coin, hoping they would conceive.

I thought to myself, "That doesn't make cents..."

A coin leaves the USSR to go to the USA

Its a metal-defector

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

There is a coin shortage in America

They are officially out of Common Cents

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What do you call someone who hoards old English coins?

A guinea pig

I just bought a belt made from coins.

Cost me 2 grand... it is a waste of money.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

I apologize for the coin shortage.

I started a swear jar.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A kid comes up to a bus

and the driver asks him if he has the money to ride.

The kid pulls a few coins out of his pocket. "Is this good?"

The driver nods. "Fare enough."

I despise when homeless people shake their coin cups at me.

Look, I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in my face.

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any ...

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins.

She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.

From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"

A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up?

The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories.

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So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

What do you say about the coins you toss into a wishing well?

Money well spent

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

My son grabbed some coins from his mother's purse and swallowed them.

We weren't sure how much he actually swallowed at first, but we finally figured it out using the process of elimination.

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

A Jewish woman’s husband dies

A Jewish woman’s husband died and she had nothing to remember him by. Her husband was a mohel, and he was very proud of his life’s work. For each circumcision he performed, he preserved the foreskin in a jar.

The woman, knowing how proud her husband was, took a large jar full of years and yea...

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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I put my mobile phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in its place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

What is the similarity between me and an experiment involving a biased coin with two tails?

The probability of getting a head is zero.

Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence

An old man threw a coin into a wishing well, asking for life to be well from here on out.

Then he fell in.

Dad, that coin looks exactly like mine

Ohhh, it's a coincidence honey

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?

The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.

The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins ...

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

Is this Punny to you ??

So once Superman gets invited to a themed party over the weekend....
So Superman enters this party place and starts feeling damn weak and uneasy...
Someone is dressed as Bitcoin
Someone is dressed as Ethereum
Someone is dressed as DogeCoin
Someone is dressed as Ripple...
.
.
...

How do you know if a mermaid will be top half fish or bottom half fish?......Flip a coin! Heads or tails?!

sorry if this joke was a bit fishy but I just go with the flow\~ xD

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam.

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam. He flips a coin for each question and picks the choices accordingly. An hour into the exam – when all the students have given in their papers and he’s the only one left in the room, the invigilator sees that he’s still flipping coins; and tells him the...

Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately n...

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A man drops his coin into the wishing well...

" I wish I had a giant cock!"

Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.

A Little Old Lady is Pulled Over in Texas

When the Officer approaches the window, he shines a light into the car and sees that she has a little .22 caliber pistol in the coin tray under her dashboard.

The officer says: "Ma'am, would you please unload and hand me your firearm for the duration of this stop to ensure everyone's safety?...

Benny swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.

When his mother asked how he was, the nurse said "No change yet."

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Beach Bum Theologian

A scraggly old man use to wander up and down this beach I lived at in Northern California. He'd always grin wide-eyed to whomever he passed proclaiming: "Get ready brother! God is coming!" or "Good morning sister, hope your soul knows God is nigh upon us!" To a potpourri of mixed receptions. Mostly ...

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

What happened when it started raining coins?

It started knocking some sense into the world

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store?

He couldn’t tolerate change.

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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

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A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change.

It’s non-cents.

Shaemus

A tour guide in Ireland was giving his tour to a group of tourists. As they traveled down the road, Shaemus pointed to a field of potatoes. "You see dat field o'er there? I planted de first potato in dat field.. but doo dey call me Shaemus de farmer?.. I tink not." The tour continues on for a bit un...

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

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The Life Saver

>A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, he starts choking and goes blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.
>
>An attractive, well-dressed but serious looki...

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In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

Why was the Brexit coin delayed?

Because the British couldn't agree on a border.

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

There is a national coin shortage. Go figure...

All anybody is saying right now is that we need change.

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

hard to find coins, hard to find killer...

A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.

Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

I just flipped a coin.

On one side, it landed.
On the other.. it did not.

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

I recently went to a coin factory...

I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.

The Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to conf...

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain?

Climate change

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin?

When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

A coin manufacturer was fired the other day because he made no cents.

I tried to help, but he wouldn’t change.

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

The magic slide.

Three men lined up to take turns on a magic slide. Whoever went down the slide would receive whatever they yelled out once they reached the bottom.

The first man climbed up the slide and came down yelling "GOLD!" And landed on a pile of golden coins. He'd never been richer in his life. The s...

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

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