Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

###

I recently went to a coin factory...

I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin?

Hey can I have my nickelback?

I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

Why did the Bhuddist cashier pull coins out his ass?

Because change comes from within

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

What did the homeless redditors say to the man who gave him a 50 dollar Canadian coin?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

My cashier called my coins handsome when I was buying a soda today..

She said "Handsome coins, over"

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - https://thejokecafe.com )

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin?

When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up th...

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

Why should you own a coin factory?

It just makes cents.

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!

He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage

Two friends were walking down the street when it started raining coins

One of them told the other, "It's climate change".

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days and e...

I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

Caught my 2 year old son chewing on a £1 coin.

He has expensive taste.

I bought a coin press last week,

...but the manual is in another language. I hope it still makes cents

A korean couldn't find his coin, so basically ...

a korean lost a korean won

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

A friend and I wanted to get a hooker, but we could only afford one hand job so we had to flip a coin...

Luckily I won the toss...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

I used to put coins on my patients' heads, but my boss thought it was unethical.

When he gave me his two cents on the subject, I changed my mind.

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

New coin is coming out that is worth 8 times more than bitcoin!

It’s name is bytecoin!

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

For blind people, there are always two sides to a coin

The one they can't see and the one they can't see either

My bit coin game is as good as my pull out game...

5 kids later

My crush is like a coin

Lots of tail, and 50% chance of getting head

I don't know why I've always been addicted to coins...

...I just can't make heads or tails of it.

The penny is the most common among coins in circulation.

It's common cents.

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

Some German kids handed me a bunch of coins I'd never seen before.

Thanks for the strange gold, kinder!

Why were people confused when the coin mint broke?

It didn’t make any cents!

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Buddhist cashier put coins in his butt?

Because change comes from within.

Credits: From south park game. Just spreading the word!

I had surgery to become a 50p coin.

My father always said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

My little brother swallowed a coin and was to taken to the hospital

When I asked how he is doing, the nurse said "No change yet!"

People who work in coin factories sure are lucky.

They make a lot of money.

My friend and I were betting on a coin.

I asked my friend to give me a heads-up before he flipped it.

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

Coin flip

One day, Bob came home from school and proudly told his father, “My teacher taught us about the probability of a coin flip today! A coin will land on heads 50% of the time all the time!”

Bob’s father: That’s... not quite how it works.

Bob: Nuh-uh! My teacher said so!

Bob’s fat...

After Jesus was executed, the Romans placed coins over his eyes...

Today we refer to them as J.C. Pennies

Do you know the company that makes double sided coins?

You should see the headquarters

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the ga...

A new £1 coin is being released in the UK today...

...I don't like change.

I should write small jokes on a handful of coins

I will call them "cents of humor"

A man inherits a priceless coin collection...

from his deceased grandfather. One day a friend of the grandfather sees the grandson and asks him about the collection.

"Oh that? None of those coins worked in the laundromat, so I swapped each one of them for a shiny new coin at the bank." The grandson replies.

"You did what?!" The ol...

Whenever I'm out drinking I flip a coin

If it lands on heads, I get another drink, if it lands on tails, I flip the coin again

Coin flipping contests are rigged!

Just a heads up.

When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey,...

you for sure know he is very _cappytalistic._

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

I told my girlfriend to lick the tip.

Then the waiter came over and asked, "Why are these coins wet?"

I asked my friend why he always has coins laying around

He said told me he works at a mint, I said to him "that makes cents".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into the bank with a giant glass jar filled with coins.

Impressed, the teller exclaims "Oh, my! Did your horde all this yourself?"

The woman replied and said, no my sister whored for half of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was fired from the mint for masturbating near the coins.

He said it wasn't fair; there was no common sense.

I think my coins are rigged...

I'm never gettin' any head

A man accidentally swallows a coin

He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of ...

Change is hard.

Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins.

I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me.

Obama gave me a coin with Jesus on it.

It was change I could believe in.

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