The Queen of England’s coin purse must weigh a lot.

Like millions of pounds.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

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Sex with boss

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

Blonde at the super bowl

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game he asked her how she liked it. “Oh I really liked it!” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killin...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins....

....I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.

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I was sitting at the bar one night... (LONG)

I was seated at the bar and had just ordered another drink, when a woman sat down in the stool next to me. She ordered her drink, and then looked down and started checking her phone.

My drink came, and then hers. She put away her phone and took a long drink, and then turned to me and said "yo...

The US mint has released a new collector's set of coins featuring Barack Obama.

It's called: 'Change We Can Believe In'.

I was working at the US treasury.

I was working at the machine that makes coins. For some reason it does not make any. Carefully, I open it up and look inside. The gears are turning like they always do. I replace a few gears, clean it out, bop it five times, and try again. It does not operate properly. It did not make cents.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

What happens when you drop a coin in water?

It becomes a sunk cost.

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Why did the monk shit coins..

Cause change comes from the inside.

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

A Cowboy rides through the desert

For two days. He's hungry, thirsty and tired, his horse too. He sees a small town on the horizon. He finally reaches it on sunset and comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:

"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and...

I heard the Mint stopped making coins...

It just doesn’t make cents

Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro ...

I just flipped a coin.

On one side, it landed.
On the other.. it did not.

A little boy was selling Mangoes in a small village

"3 coins for one, 10 for three!", he said.

A dirty businessman, seeing that it was a boy, thought this to be a perfect opportunity to cheat and gain some profit. He approached the boy and asked, "What is the cost for one, little man?"

"3 for one, 10 for three!", the boy said innocentl...

Midas was greedy but, there's another Greek figure that's obsessed with collecting coins.

Purseus

A blonde in Las Vegas

Last weekend, a blonde went to Las Vegas. When she returned home, her friend asked:

\- Hey! How was your trip?

\- It was awesome! I saw a slot machine and tried luck. I won! Then I put another coin in and I got a prize again! And again! I had to stop there beczause I could only drink s...

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

A Man's Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine mont...

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Pay your bills

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick (an employee in the palace) obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, ...

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

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Three guys walk into a genie next to a pool.

The genie tells them that the pool will fill up with whatever they yell as they jump in.

The first guy jumps and yells “money!” the pool fills with gold coins and bills.

The second one jumps in and screams “women!” And a bunch of women appear in the pool and eat his ass.

The thi...

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

I went to a barbeque food truck with a silver dollar.

I handed it to the lady and said, "Could I get some fries for this?"

"Sure, but what else do you want?" Confused, I said "Well, just the fries. This is all I have." She seemed slightly annoyed, "Ok, sir... But would you prefer a baked potato, green beans, cornbread or mac and cheese to go alo...

A farmer walks into a bar...

The farmer goes to the bartender and says "Hey, I've heard you were hard to impress. Well, I've got a garden right down the street from here with plants you'll surely be impressed by!" The bartender responds "What'll be the point?" The farmer responds "How about this, if you are impressed, I get fre...

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

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Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit

It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border

coin joke

I bet you a quarter that you're stupid.

heads i win, tails you lose

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Cowboy rides into a dusty town on his horse and stops at a saloon...

He ties up his horse, goes up the the bar, sits at the counter, and orders a couple beers to quench his thirst. When he walks out, he realizes his horse is missing!


He flings those saloon doors open, hand on his pistol, and shouts, “which one of you sidewinding sons of bitches stole my ho...

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An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking. Soon they noticed a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for.

The Barman told then: "that is there is the prize for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two mi...

Whoever coined the phrase "tailgater" missed a golden opportunity...

They should have called them a "bumper humper".

My friend can make a coin land on a whatever he wants

Sadly it only works 50% of the time

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

Two thieves go to the church with their loot to confess..

.. their sins to the lord. They both decide to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. But they couldn't decide how much of each of their loots to offer.

The first one thinks for a minute, draws a foot long circle on the floor and says, "Oh lord, ...

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

A coin manufacturer was fired the other day because he made no cents.

I tried to help, but he wouldn’t change.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

I told my girlfriend to lick the tip.

Then the waiter came over and asked, "Why are these coins wet?"

I made a risky move to get more bit coins but it backfired on me

My teeth cracked and now I'm on my way to the dentist

I have recently been involved in money laundering...

I had some coins in my pocket which I didn't realise untill there was a ticking sound coming from the dryer.

Went to a coin factory the other day, they used to have machines that made pennies and dimes,

It all makes cents now

Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.

He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church. Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time. At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned. The priest...

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

A man gets change from an interaction with his friend, and noticed something strange.

He asked his friend:

“Why are these coins smaller than usual?”

His friend replied:

“I got the ‘new batch of coins’ from the bank”

The man asked another question:

“So why are they small?”

The friend answered again:

“The government has made coins small...

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A man walks into a magic shop and sees a small wooden box on the rack.

He reads the label on the package: 'COIN DUPLICATOR'. Excited and ready to impress his friends, the man buys the coin duplicator and rips the package open.



He opens the box, places a quarter inside, and closes it. He presses a red button on the top of the box, which produces a short...

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Terrible Business

Business had been terrible and was not picking up.



I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.



It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.



Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the fir...

I recently went to a coin factory...

I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.

Why did the Bhuddist cashier pull coins out his ass?

Because change comes from within

What did the homeless redditors say to the man who gave him a 50 dollar Canadian coin?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Whoever coined the word "lisp"

Was a real ath-hole.

What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin?

Hey can I have my nickelback?

My cashier called my coins handsome when I was buying a soda today..

She said "Handsome coins, over"

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I was digging the garden as i found some old coins, and got so excited i started running to the prostitute...

until i realised why i was digging in the garden

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin?

When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.

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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

Why should you own a coin factory?

It just makes cents.

Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!

He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

Why does the US still use paper for their 1$ bills instead of coins?

Because they are averse to change

How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse"

has never stepped on one.

Two friends were walking down the street when it started raining coins

One of them told the other, "It's climate change".

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

*coins falling from the sky*

Me: what is this?
Climate: change

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me

I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

A Turkish joke

One day, Great Tamerlane goes to the Aksehir Central Hamam (hamam=Turkish bath). In hamam, after he undressed and wrapped ‘pestamals’ (large bath towel) around, they enter into hot room. They sit on ‘gobek tasi’ (large very hot marble). While sweating, they chat.

Then Tamerlane asks the Hodja...

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How do you give a dollar to a stripper from the future....?

You pay her in ButtCoin.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

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An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

A korean couldn't find his coin, so basically ...

a korean lost a korean won

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

If you have a problem eating coins, perhaps you should consult a life coach...

It'll inspire change within yourself

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

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