Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?

The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.

The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins ...

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A man drops his coin into the wishing well...

" I wish I had a giant cock!"

Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.

I apologize for the coin shortage.

I started a swear jar.

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

Why should you never listen to coins?

It never makes any cents

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain?

Climate change

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

Due to the coin shortage the restaurant didn’t give me any change.

It’s non-cents.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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*flips a coin*

Head or anal ?

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So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins?

The coins are the only thing heads up...

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse”

has never stepped on one.

Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store?

He couldn’t tolerate change.

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

A child asked his dad," how are coins made".

The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".

Then the child responded," That makes cents".

I was doing some gardening the other day, when I found some gold coins

I was about to run straight home and tell my wife, then I remembered why i was digging in our garden.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office

But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick ...

There is a national coin shortage. Go figure...

All anybody is saying right now is that we need change.

What do police budgets and children’s coin holders have in common?

Both are piggy banks

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do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

There’s gonna be a 50p coin commemorating Brexit

It’s nearly done. They just can’t decide what to do with the border

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[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

A priest goes to the barber and has his hair cut.

He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next morning the barber finds 5 silver coins in front of his door.

A buddhist goes to the barber and has his head shaved. He wants to pay but the barber says it is free of charge for a man of faith. The next mor...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

A Jewish doctor responsible for performing circumcisions retires.

Instead of throwing out all the foreskins he's collected, he decides to take them to a seamstress so she can turn them into a souvenir of his long career.

He takes a few hundreds tips into the seamstress and leaves them with her, giving her a week to make something special.

Upon his re...

Why was the Brexit coin delayed?

Because the British couldn't agree on a border.

My teacher told me if I flipped a coin I'd get either head or tail

I'm still waiting

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city

Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.

Stranger: What is your name, sad lady

Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat

Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilt...

A joke about a shutdown coin factory.

Nevermind.

It makes no cents.

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.

I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

I just flipped a coin.

On one side, it landed.
On the other.. it did not.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

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Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

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John, George and Clint are riding in a car....

When the car is hit by a bus and they all die. When they wake up they are in heaven standing in front of god and god asks why the men look upset, they all share their sadness for leaving earth so soon and would do anything to be able to have one last chance back on earth. God decides he will give th...

The Queen of England’s coin purse must weigh a lot.

Like millions of pounds.

A Special Table

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any a...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

Many years ago there lived a poor fisherman in a coastal city-state

Many years ago there lived a poor fisherman in a coastal city-state. Once, while at the market trying to sell seafood he received a gold coin as payment from a stranger. Since this was worth more than he ever earned in a year, he was overjoyed. He decided to hide his gold coin in a space between bri...

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

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Why did the monk shit coins..

Cause change comes from the inside.

I heard the Mint stopped making coins...

It just doesn’t make cents

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

I recently went to a coin factory...

I was in awe at all of the machines and moving parts that filled the factory. At first, I didn't understand what was happening, but then it dawned on me. It all makes cents.

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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would t...

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

A coin manufacturer was fired the other day because he made no cents.

I tried to help, but he wouldn’t change.

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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

Whoever coined the word "lisp"

Was a real ath-hole.

My cashier called my coins handsome when I was buying a soda today..

She said "Handsome coins, over"

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

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A Japanese transfer student named Kiyosuke wanted to lose his virginity before graduation

He transferred as a senior student, and high school graduation was near.

Because of his Asian physique, all the girls from school don't find him particularly attractive. Two months ago, one of his classmates, Sarah, found out that he is very fond of anime; so she spread malicious rumors about...

I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me

I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in

Digging a hole in the garden.

Lock down has had some highs and lows. For instance, I've had a bit more time to spend in the garden while the weather was fine.
I was digging a hole one day and couldn't believe it when I found a large number of what I think are roman coins. I was so excited that I ran back into the house to te...

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a £1 coin?

When he went to pick it up, it hit him on the back of his head.

An indoor ant meets an outdoor ant

He says "In the house I was at, there was a very skilled guy; He could throw a coin at a hairdryer and it would turn on. That really blew me away!"

Did you guys hear that Nicolas Cage robbed all the coins from a bank recently? Luckily he got caught and went to jail, plus all of the money got returned!

He’s currently in a Nickleless Nicolas Cage Cage

What did the person with horrible music taste say to the person who stole their coin?

Hey can I have my nickelback?

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office...

...and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop.
"That desk is going for £2000," says the shopkeeper.
"£2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah", says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have i...

What did the homeless redditors say to the man who gave him a 50 dollar Canadian coin?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

A rabbi, a priest and an imam discuss about what they do with the money their community put into their offering bag.

The rabbi says “I draw a small circle onto the ground, then I throw all the money into the air. The coins that land in the circle I keep for myself. The rest is for Jehovah and the synagogue”

The imam replies “I do almost the same. I draw a big circle onto the group, throw the money and every...

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

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Jake and Wallace need a tiebreaker.

Jake and Wallace are 12 year old twin brothers. As they were heading out to the car, they both called shotgun at the same time.

To break the tie, they decided to flip a coin, best out of three.

Jake picked heads, Wallace picked tails.

Jake flips the coin, it was heads.

...

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A Guy and an Ostrich Walk into a Bar

The guy tells the bartender: "I'll have a whisky." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

The bartender gives them their drinks, and when they finish, tells them: "That'll be 7.46$."

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out 7 dollars and 46 cents exactly, without even having paus...

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

Two friends were walking down the street when it started raining coins

One of them told the other, "It's climate change".

Coronavirus

This thing is getting crazy, I just got two round trip tickets to see my family. And a trip to mexico, all for the price of the coins I found between my sofa cushions. It really just goes to show you that whatever you want in life, China will always make it cheaper.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

Why does the US still use paper for their 1$ bills instead of coins?

Because they are averse to change

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

My friend bought a used coin making machine

Him: "It doesn't work anymore, but I bought it anyway."
Me: "Why would you do that?? It doesn't make cents!"

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