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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

If I had a nickel for every time I was confused as to what’s going on,

I’d be saying “Why the hell is everyone giving me all these nickels?”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple...

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

What act is worth 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

​

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change...

I would still say no.

If I had a nickel for every time my mom dropped me as a baby

We would’ve had enough for the hospital bill

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT

It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even...

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had...

Does money even matter?

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

If I had a nickel for every racist joke I've heard

I'd have a giant pile of 3 cent pieces.

If I had a nickel for every time I got kicked out of a restaurant...

Maybe I wouldn't have to keep stealing the food

Racism and Nickelback are very similar

It's fun to joke about them, but you never wanna see them live.

If I had a nickel for every watermelon I've chucked at my neighbors window.

I still wouldn't have enough bail money for a vandalism lawsuit.

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

If I got a nickel from Apple every time one of my lightning cables broke...

...they'd still be operating out of a garage.

If I had a nickel for every time I entered a store with a really long line to just buy some gum...

I'd have enough money to buy some gum

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

"I made $200.05 giving BJ's to people yesterday."

"Who gave you a nickel?"

"Everyone did."

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

If I had a nickel for every time I got distracted...

I'm in the mood for some ice cream.

A man went to a pet store to buy a bird cage.

Man: Is this birdcage made of nickel?

Pet Store Employee: It's aluminum, I think.

Man: So there's no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store Employee: Not that I'm aware of.

Man: So this is nickeless cage? Cool!

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor and says, “I’m a little embarrassed, but every time I go to the bathroom, I pee nickels, dimes, and quarters. What is wrong with me?”

The doctor answers her, “There’s nothing wrong with you miss. You’re just going through the change. “

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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, “I’m divorcing David! I can’t take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!”

The mother says, “You’re married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you dr...

What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickel-less Cage

An old man walks into a coffee shop

He approaches the counter and notices a young teen playing on his phone. Without looking, the teen says:

"How can I help you?"

Old man: "I'll take a small coffee please"

Teen without looking:

"That'll be $0.75 cents please.

The old man annoyed at the teen digs into...

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

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Destination Pittsburgh

Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets.

Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment...

“Yes ...

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

You can borrow five cents and no one will ask you to return them.

Apparently, people don't like a nickel back.

What concert only costs 45cents ?

50 cent, featuring nickel back

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

So the Beatles go to America for the first time.

They go to a currency exchange place by the airport and the ask for (along with a decent sum of cash) some of each type of coin so that they could be familiarized with the currency.

They're rich enough that they don't have to skimp out on the number of coins they get, so the cashier gives the...

A nun was going to Chicago.

She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

Little Johnny was sitting on the porch with his sister

He said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Little Johnny just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but fo...

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?...

A man goes to a restaurant...

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The m...

My Dad was killed at an explosion at the US Mint.

He was nickel-and-dimed to death.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Because one of them dropped a nickel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made $350.05 sucking dick last night.

Me: I made $350.05 sucking dick last night.

Friend: Wow! Who gave you the nickel?

Me: All of them...

My grandmother is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime..

... And picked up two nickels.

Some funny pick up lines

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in.

If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

Ni...

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2 Blonds go hiking

2 Blonds go hiking. Knee deep in jungle, one blond says she has to take a shit, but forgot to walk with toilet paper. The other blond says, do you have a dollar? " yes " says the first blond. well use the dollar then, says the second blond. a few minutes later, the first blond comes out from a shurg...

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

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My go-to joke, thought I'd share.

A man and his friend are sitting at a bar, talking about embarrassing moments. The man says to his friend:

"Man, I messed up the other week. I was at the train station, trying to buy a ticket, and the ticket booth operator was this gorgeous woman, I'm talking 10/10 here. So I go up to her, an...