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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

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If I had a nickel for every time I had no clue what was going on..

I’d be like “why the fuck are you giving me all these nickels?”

If I had a nickel for every time a beautiful woman rejected me,

eventually they would stop rejecting me.

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If I had a nickel for everytime I said anything racist,

A black mothafucka would’ve probably stolen from me

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each....

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?

Nickel-less Cage!

I'm so broke

You can call me saint nickel-less.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

What did the chemist get for his 69th birthday?

You’d think they’d give him Thulium, but really it was Nickel and Cerium.

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

Yo momma so fat...

She sat on a quarter and turned it into a nickel and 2 dimes

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change...

I would still say no.

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had...

Does money even matter?

A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

Santa was 5 cents short.

Jolly old saint; nickel-less.

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

If I had a nickel for every time I got kicked out of a restaurant...

Maybe I wouldn't have to keep stealing the food

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

God talks to a man.

Human: God, for you thousands of years is like a brief moment!

God: Yes, just a second.

Human: God, for you vast riches are just small change!

God: Yes, just a nickel

Human: God, can you spare a nickel?

God: Sure, just give me a second.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

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Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

If I had a nickel for every time I entered a store with a really long line to just buy some gum...

I'd have enough money to buy some gum

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

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(NSFW)The pilgrim asked the Indian Chief:

"How about letting me have one of your women for a while"?
"That depends on how much money you have" the chief replied.
The pilgrim said" I don't have a nickel, all I have is a bag of corn."
The chief accepted the corn and led the pilgrim into a teepee, where a woman offered him her backsid...

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

Some people tell me I have OCD but I don't have it...

The first time I was told was Sunday, 21st March 1999, 4 minutes and 23 seconds past 4 O'Clock.

That's 21/3/1999, 04:04:23

But for the 937th time, I don't have OCD.

If only I had a nickel for every time someone told me I have OCD I'd have forty six dollars and eighty five cents...

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

Worth it !

Me : is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet store : aluminum I think.
Me : so there’s no nickel in this cage ?
Pet store : Don’t u dare!
Me : it’s a nickless cage
Pet store : GET OUT!

A 50 year-old woman visits her doctor

and reveals to her doctor that when she goes to the bathroom, pennies come out of her. The doctor replies, "Don't worry about it for now, but come back next week if it continues." The next week, she is back. "Now I go to the bathroom and out come nickels! What is going on?"

"I'm still not qui...

You know, I stole some metal the other day.

I told a good friend of mine, Pewter, and he said 'That's worth a Nickel or two, how'd you get it?'

I told him I stole it and he said 'Well that's ironic, becuase it's steel!'

'

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

Little Audrey was sitting on the porch next to her little brother

She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

US currency types were having a contest to see who could accrue the most of another country’s currency

Nickels managed to stack up a lot of Euros and beat Quarters who only managed to pile up a few. Dimes did alright for themselves too but none of them bragged about how well they were doing because they knew that their smallest denomination friends were volatile and when confronted with bragging when...

The Old Rich Man, the Young Man and the Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple ...

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

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If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT

It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.

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NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, “I’m divorcing David! I can’t take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!”

The mother says, “You’re married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you dr...

A man went to a pet store to buy a bird cage.

Man: Is this birdcage made of nickel?

Pet Store Employee: It's aluminum, I think.

Man: So there's no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store Employee: Not that I'm aware of.

Man: So this is nickeless cage? Cool!

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