If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with and keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping his back.


The boy coughs up two nickels but keeps hacking. Looking at his son, the father panics, and starts shouting for help.


At the bar the...

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I would be like... how did I get all these fucking nickels??

If I had a nickel for every time a beautiful woman rejected me,

eventually they would stop rejecting me.

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I would still say no.

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a racist...

I could quit my job at the NYPD

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied,...

If I had a nickel for every repost/recycled joke I saw on this sub...

Women would find me attractive.

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I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of strange dreams.

"I keep dreaming that I'm peeing on nickels, dimes, and quarters," she tells him. He runs some tests and then tells her that everything's fine, that she's just going through her change.

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

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Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

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Two hunters are walking through the woods...

Hunter 1- “I need to take a shit, but I don’t have anything to wipe with.”

Hunter 2- “do you have a dollar?”

Hunter 1- “yeah....”

Hunter 2- “just go behind that tree and use the dollar to wipe, I’ll wait.”

Hunter 1 disappears behind a tree for about 15 minutes, and when h...

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a nickel.

I'd prob'ly make more if I tickled his pickle.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had..

Does money even matter ?

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each....

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

I'm so broke

You can call me saint nickel-less.

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

What did the chemist get for his 69th birthday?

You’d think they’d give him Thulium, but really it was Nickel and Cerium.

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

If anyone is interested in a concert that only costs $0.45

It's 50 cent featuring NickelBack

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

Santa was 5 cents short.

Jolly old saint; nickel-less.

God talks to a man.

Human: God, for you thousands of years is like a brief moment!

God: Yes, just a second.

Human: God, for you vast riches are just small change!

God: Yes, just a nickel

Human: God, can you spare a nickel?

God: Sure, just give me a second.

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

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Dr. Appointment

I had a physical a couple of weeks ago, and the doctor asked pretty basic questions.
Do you smoke?
Only in Colorado.
Do you drink?
Only on nickel shot night.
How much per week do you work out
I asked her if sex counts
She looked up from his clipboard, sighed, flashed back t...

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(NSFW)The pilgrim asked the Indian Chief:

"How about letting me have one of your women for a while"?
"That depends on how much money you have" the chief replied.
The pilgrim said" I don't have a nickel, all I have is a bag of corn."
The chief accepted the corn and led the pilgrim into a teepee, where a woman offered him her backsid...

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

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