UPJOKE
metalalloyoreironcobaltcopperpentlanditestainless steelnorilskzincpalladiumsulfidealuminiumgarnieriteoxide

Nickel Jokes

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

If I had a nickel for every bread pun

I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test...

I'd have 27¢

My parrot is allergic to nickel

so I bought him a Nickeless Cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

I swear, if I got a nickel for every spam call I got

I would finally be able to pay for my car's extended warranty

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Dalai Lama pull a nickel out of his butt?

Because change comes from within

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

TIL the only year the "Buffalo Nickel" was minted was in 1976 for America's...

...bison-tennial

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

If I had a nickel for every woman that found me attractive…

I’d have 2 nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

What do you call a cage with a nickel in it?

A cage with a nickel in it.

What do you call a cage without a nickel in it?

Nicholas Cage.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

Nickel & Dime Dining

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's ...

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

If I had a nickel for every repost/recycled joke I saw on this sub...

Women would find me attractive.

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I would still say no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck....

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

A man goes to a restaurant

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The...

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop, marches up to the counter, throws a stretched, worn out condom full of holes on the counter, and demands "How much to have it repaired?"

The apothecary replies "Two shillings."

The Captain responds "How much for a new ...

A man woke up at 5:55 AM.

He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.

He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.

He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…

...and watched...

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

If I had a dime for every decent joke in r/jokes

then I'd have a nickel.

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

Good for ...

"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I am out."

"I will be good for a nickel," replied Tommy.

"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine, unless you are good for nothing."



Source: 1913 newspaper

I bought a CD at a yard sale for 5 cents...

I listened to it at home and it sucked.


I went back to the yard sale and I said "Give me my nickel back!". They said, "We already did."

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

What do youcall a broke santa?

Saint nickel less

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

My friend bought a belt with a strap made out of dollar bills and a buckle made out of dimes and nickels.

What a waist of money.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady falls in love with a wealthy man. NSFW

They soon get married and they are living the life of luxury. Dream homes, exotic cars, and luxurious vacations.

The girl is having a conversation with her father one day and she mentions that she is considering leaving her husband. The father asks why and the girl explains. “He will only ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are deep in the woods, hunting, when one of them realizes he has to poop.

He turns to the other man, and says "What do I use to wipe myself?" "Use a dollar, then toss it in the bush" the other man replies. So after about twenty minutes, man number one comes back, covered in shit. His hunting partner, filled with surprise and disgust, said "What happened?! I thought I told...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some funny pick up lines

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in.

If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

Ni...

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, “I’m divorcing David! I can’t take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!”

The mother says, “You’re married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you dr...

So my grandpa told me a story...

He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.

But today there are too many damn cameras!

Bartender's special

A man takes a seat at a bar and sees the menu hanging behind the bar that says a beer costs a nickel, a shot costs a dime, and a chicken dinner costs a quarter. He calls the bartender over and asks him how he can stay in business with such low prices. The bartender explains that he's not the owner b...

A teacher asks her student a math problem

"Ok, if Bob has three quarters, two dimes, and one nickel, how much does he have?"

The student thought for a moment then said, "Not enough. He's broke."

I'm so broke

You can call me saint nickel-less.

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.