The 72+ Best Nickel Jokes

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

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If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test...

I'd have 27¢

My parrot is allergic to nickel

so I bought him a Nickeless Cage.

If I had a nickel for evey time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "where are all these nickels coming from?"

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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

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Why did the Dalai Lama pull a nickel out of his butt?

Because change comes from within

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I wouldn’t know why I had so many damn nickels around me

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

If I had a nickel for every woman that found me attractive…

I’d have 2 nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly

They would find me atractive

TIL the only year the "Buffalo Nickel" was minted was in 1976 for America's...

...bison-tennial

Nickel & Dime Dining

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's ...

A soldier defied a superior officer and was confined to quarters

He had to turn in his pennies, nickels, dimes, and all paper money.

A man woke up at 5:55 AM.

He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.

He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.

He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…

...and watched...

My friend bought a belt with a strap made out of dollar bills and a buckle made out of dimes and nickels.

What a waist of money.

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two guys are out golfing and they realize they have to go to the bathroom

Two guys are out golfing when one of the golfers turns the other one it says "oh man I got to go to the bathroom."

The other one looks at him and says "yeah me too. But you better go first, I'm going to be in there a while."

So the first guy runs across the green goes into the Outhouse...

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

What do you call a cage with a nickel in it?

A cage with a nickel in it.

What do you call a cage without a nickel in it?

Nicholas Cage.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

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Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I would still say no.

If I had a nickel for every repost/recycled joke I saw on this sub...

Women would find me attractive.

I bought a CD at a yard sale for 5 cents...

I listened to it at home and it sucked.

I went back to the yard sale and I said "Give me my nickel back!". They said, "We already did."

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

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I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

Good for ...

"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I am out."

"I will be good for a nickel," replied Tommy.

"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine, unless you are good for nothing."

Source: 1913 newspaper

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

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a prostitute comes home to her husband after a long day of work.

she has $400.05 with her

her husband asks “who paid with a nickel?”

she answers: all of them did.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

My dad gave me a one dollar bill because I’m his smartest son.

My dad gave me a one dollar bill
because I'm his smartest son,
and I swapped it for two shiny quarters because two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
and traded them to Lou,
for three dimes -- I guess he don't know that three is more than two!

Just then, along c...

What’s another name for a 100% steel cage?

A Nickelless Cage.

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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getting prepped for a wedding

So there was this young man who was getting married and was worried because he didn't know how to do it. He asked an older friend of his for some advice and his friend told him to tape a nickel on each side of his hips ,a dime on his butt and a dollar on his dick. He told to go home and practice swi...

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

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A young lady falls in love with a wealthy man. NSFW

They soon get married and they are living the life of luxury. Dream homes, exotic cars, and luxurious vacations.

The girl is having a conversation with her father one day and she mentions that she is considering leaving her husband. The father asks why and the girl explains. “He will only ...

Racism and Nickelback are very similar

It's fun to joke about them, but you never wanna see them live.

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