Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

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If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly

They would find me atractive

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

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If I had a nickel for everytime I had no clue what's going on...

I'd be like "who the fuck is giving me all these nickels?!"

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

If I had a nickel for every time I was bad at math

I would have um...

I would...

I'd have um...

I'd have a lot of nickels alright

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with and keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping his back.


The boy coughs up two nickels but keeps hacking. Looking at his son, the father panics, and starts shouting for help.


At the bar the...

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I would still say no.

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

What do you call a cage with a nickel in it?

A cage with a nickel in it.

What do you call a cage without a nickel in it?

Nicholas Cage.

If I had a nickel for every repost/recycled joke I saw on this sub...

Women would find me attractive.

What’s another name for a 100% steel cage?

A Nickelless Cage.

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

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If I had a nickel for everytime I had no idea what was happening...

I'd die screaming, "Where are all of these fucking nickels coming from?!"

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

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I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

What did the robot say to the guy running the tattoo shop?

I'd like to get my nickels pierced.

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

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Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a racist...

I could quit my job at the NYPD

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

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In Alabama, how can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Dad's cock tastes like nickels.

So my grandpa told me a story...

He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.

But today there are too many damn cameras!

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied,...

Bartender's special

A man takes a seat at a bar and sees the menu hanging behind the bar that says a beer costs a nickel, a shot costs a dime, and a chicken dinner costs a quarter. He calls the bartender over and asks him how he can stay in business with such low prices. The bartender explains that he's not the owner b...

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

What do youcall a broke santa?

Saint nickel less

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of strange dreams.

"I keep dreaming that I'm peeing on nickels, dimes, and quarters," she tells him. He runs some tests and then tells her that everything's fine, that she's just going through her change.

A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each....

If I had a nickel for every time I entered a store with a really long line to just buy some gum...

I'd have enough money to buy some gum

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

A teacher asks her student a math problem

"Ok, if Bob has three quarters, two dimes, and one nickel, how much does he have?"

The student thought for a moment then said, "Not enough. He's broke."

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

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Two hunters are walking through the woods...

Hunter 1- “I need to take a shit, but I don’t have anything to wipe with.”

Hunter 2- “do you have a dollar?”

Hunter 1- “yeah....”

Hunter 2- “just go behind that tree and use the dollar to wipe, I’ll wait.”

Hunter 1 disappears behind a tree for about 15 minutes, and when h...

I'm so broke

You can call me saint nickel-less.

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

If anyone is interested in a concert that only costs $0.45

It's 50 cent featuring NickelBack

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

If Aristotle was to write a book on ethical music what would he call it?

NickelBachean Ethics

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