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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium

Me: So there's no nickel in this cage?

PSW: Don't do it

Me: It's a nickeless cage

PSW: LEAVE!

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I would be like... how did I get all these fucking nickels??

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a racist...

I could quit my job at the NYPD

What do you call a cage with a nickel in it?

A cage with a nickel in it.

What do you call a cage without a nickel in it?

Nicholas Cage.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

If I had a nickel for every repost/recycled joke I saw on this sub...

Women would find me attractive.

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I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

If I had a nickel for every time a beautiful woman rejected me,

eventually they would stop rejecting me.

If I had a nickel for every time someone used this joke format,

It wouldn’t mean anything - my country doesn’t use them.

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

A man is staring intently at a penny. A woman watches him confusedly for a moment before asking what he's doing. "Well," he says, "I have a nickel in my pocket..."

"... so this must be my sixth cents."

Why did the penny arrest the nickel?

He could because he was a copper.

The nickel refused to stop on a dime even though he was only a quarter way through the intersection. He hit 50 cent (who was crossing on the crosswalk) and thought it was a buck.

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

If I had a nickel for each time somebody mixed up a coin...

I would be like, why you giving me all these dimes.

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

I heard someone say that change does not come from a place of comfort

But I find pennies and nickels in my couch all the time so I don’t know what they mean

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

What's one nickel minus one nickel?

Wait never mind that makes no cents.

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Two hunters are walking through the woods...

Hunter 1- “I need to take a shit, but I don’t have anything to wipe with.”

Hunter 2- “do you have a dollar?”

Hunter 1- “yeah....”

Hunter 2- “just go behind that tree and use the dollar to wipe, I’ll wait.”

Hunter 1 disappears behind a tree for about 15 minutes, and when h...

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...

I'd have 60% gross margins.

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

The other day I asked someone what makes pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters. They replied "A coin machine".

I said "That makes cents."

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have...

Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

Quarters and nickels fall from the sky...

Me: what is this?

Climate: change.

If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.

I'll let myself out.

Did you hear about the nickel and the penny that got fused together and is haunted?

The coin has the sixth cents

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I said...

Some black guy would rob me...

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change...

I would still say no.

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I've ever had...

Does money even matter?

A CEO's advise

The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. "I was young, married, and out of work," he lectured.
"I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each....

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

A Secluded Beach Spot

I was at the beach with my wife the other day and we took a walk around an area with some pretty big rock bluffs and boulders and things. It was really nice, and surprisingly secluded for the area. Nobody was around but a bunch of seagulls. Terns, actually, my wife corrected me.

We find a spo...

What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?

Nickel-less Cage!

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A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In ...

A little boy swallows a nickel.

His mother panics and starts hitting him hard on the back. Suddenly he coughs up two dimes. She doesn't know what to do so she calls her husband.

"Junior swallowed a nickel, and when I patted him on the back he coughed up two dimes. What do I do?" she cried.

"Keep feeding him nickels!"...

I'm so broke

You can call me saint nickel-less.

Back in my day, you could walk into a convenience store with a nickel and get three licorice sticks and some soda.

Now? CCTVs everywhere.

If I had a nickel for every time I got kicked out of a restaurant...

Maybe I wouldn't have to keep stealing the food

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

What did the chemist get for his 69th birthday?

You’d think they’d give him Thulium, but really it was Nickel and Cerium.

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

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Who paid with a nickel? [NSFW]

Two hookers are standing on a corner talking. One says to the other, "I haven't seen you around in a while. You must have been busy." The other replies, "You can say that again! I made $1000.05 last week just giving blowjobs!" The first hooker is shocked and says, "Who paid you a nickel?"
.
.<...

If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

If I got a nickel from Apple every time one of my lightning cables broke...

...they'd still be operating out of a garage.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a nickel.

I'd prob'ly make more if I tickled his pickle.

How I traveled around the world without spending a nickel.

I paid in dimes.

If I had a nickel for every time I entered a store with a really long line to just buy some gum...

I'd have enough money to buy some gum

You have a dime in one hand and a nickel in the other. What are you?

Broke.

Santa was 5 cents short.

Jolly old saint; nickel-less.

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

Why did the nickel jump of the building but the dime did not?

Because the dime had more cents.

God talks to a man.

Human: God, for you thousands of years is like a brief moment!

God: Yes, just a second.

Human: God, for you vast riches are just small change!

God: Yes, just a nickel

Human: God, can you spare a nickel?

God: Sure, just give me a second.

What do you call bankrupt Santa?

St. Nickel-less.

Badum-tss.

What does the Engineer smoke?

Nickel tin

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

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(NSFW)The pilgrim asked the Indian Chief:

"How about letting me have one of your women for a while"?
"That depends on how much money you have" the chief replied.
The pilgrim said" I don't have a nickel, all I have is a bag of corn."
The chief accepted the corn and led the pilgrim into a teepee, where a woman offered him her backsid...

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

Worth it !

Me : is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet store : aluminum I think.
Me : so there’s no nickel in this cage ?
Pet store : Don’t u dare!
Me : it’s a nickless cage
Pet store : GET OUT!

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

A 50 year-old woman visits her doctor

and reveals to her doctor that when she goes to the bathroom, pennies come out of her. The doctor replies, "Don't worry about it for now, but come back next week if it continues." The next week, she is back. "Now I go to the bathroom and out come nickels! What is going on?"

"I'm still not qui...

The Old Rich Man, the Young Man and the Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple ...

You know, I stole some metal the other day.

I told a good friend of mine, Pewter, and he said 'That's worth a Nickel or two, how'd you get it?'

I told him I stole it and he said 'Well that's ironic, becuase it's steel!'

'

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

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If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT

It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.

US currency types were having a contest to see who could accrue the most of another country’s currency

Nickels managed to stack up a lot of Euros and beat Quarters who only managed to pile up a few. Dimes did alright for themselves too but none of them bragged about how well they were doing because they knew that their smallest denomination friends were volatile and when confronted with bragging when...

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