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Savings Jokes

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

The majority of elderly Bulgarians keep their savings in Euro

Some of them - in two Euros

Where do fish put their savings?

In the river bank, of course.

Daylight savings is coming up...

Don't lose sleep over it.

Daylight savings time.

Is the government cutting off the bottom of a blanket and sewing it to the top and saying ,"see its longer now".

They always say that daylight savings is such a great idea

I give it six months

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Breaking: Dexter Holland from The Offspring has declared bankruptcy after pouring most of the band's savings into this week's lottery tickets.

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

I was looking at my savings...

and realize that I've saved enough, and I don't have to work again for as long as I live. I'd be dying of hunger in 3 days, but I'd be free to enjoy what a like.

I’ve been trying to write a song about Daylight Savings Time

But I haven’t been able to come up with anything better than Spice Girls’ 2 become 1

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

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Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

I'm going to retire and live off my savings.

What I do the second day, I'm not sure.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

I used to have a passion for savings accounts.

But then I lost interest.

I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.

The estate agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.


The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But lo and behold, the...

Daylight savings

On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.

I’m retiring and living of my savings early.

Not sure what to do on the second day though

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

I might not get many upvotes for this joke about high-yield savings accounts...

But it won't be for lack of interest.

What did Johann Sebastian Bach say when he looked at his empty savings account?

I'm Baroque!

I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.

You might say I’m generous to a fault.

Daylight Savings Explained

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

I thought my friend spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee..

She called me ugly, until she saw my personal savings.

Now she calls me ugly and broke.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

My wife doesn’t understand daylight savings time

But hey, who could think straight after being banged for an hour and 2 minutes

What do you think of the return to Daylight Savings Time tonight?

Eh, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time in the USA

I guess I'm still in the dark.

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

A girl visits her boyfriend on a Friday night

Girl: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Boy: Actually, it's a banana. They were on sale.

Girl: OK... is that another banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

Boy: It was a 2-for-1 sale.

Girl: Alright, fine... is that yet anothe...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts,

but there is no interest.

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