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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

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Sam was broke. He had recently been made redundant and his savings were almost fully spent. [Long]

He wasn't having much luck getting a job either. With a family to feed, he was getting desperate.

So Sam did something he rarely did, went to the local church, knelt down, and prayed.

"God," he said, "I've been a good man all my life. I've worked hard, I'm raising my children well, I...

My wife was only thinking of herself when she spent all of our life savings on court fees to legally be considered a lobster.

She is lawfully shellfish.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my pension, the high cost of housing...

... so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in the Mid East and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

I'm going to retire and live off my savings.

What I do the second day, I'm not sure.

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

What does my savings accound and my date both have in common?

The both have 0% interest

What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

What do you say about a man who spent all his savings excavating a tomb full of fake money?

He invested in the wrong crypt o' currency.

I might not get many upvotes for this joke about high-yield savings accounts...

But it won't be for lack of interest.

I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

She called me ugly, until she saw my personal savings.

Now she calls me ugly and broke.

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

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A man had 3 girlfriends...

He wanted to settle down finally and marry someone. He had no idea about whom to choose, so he gave each one of them 10k$ and asked them to spend it in the best way possible.

The first one bought clothes and cosmetics for herself.

The second one put it in her savings saying it will he...

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

Just lasted over an hour in bed...

Thank you day light savings

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.


The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But lo and behold, the...

My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts,

but there is no interest.

Daylight Savings Explained

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan.

They give credit where credit is dew.

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All these phone companies advertising for "More lines, more savings!"

But when I do more lines my savings go to shit.

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

Daylight savings

On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.

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The old lady and the bank

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of England one morning with a bag full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the Chairman of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the customer is always right) a...

I started microfinancing my money to get better savings.

It just made a lot of cents to me.

A dog sits down at a roulette table

A dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center.

"Put it all on grey."

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