Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Yesterday I smoked a joint and worked on my savings..

I guess you could say I work in high financing.

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

I'm going to retire and live off my savings.

What I do the second day, I'm not sure.

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

What do daylight savings time and Melania Trump have in common?

Pushing back the little hand.

What does my savings accound and my date both have in common?

The both have 0% interest

What do you say about a man who spent all his savings excavating a tomb full of fake money?

He invested in the wrong crypt o' currency.

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

I might not get many upvotes for this joke about high-yield savings accounts...

But it won't be for lack of interest.

I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

She called me ugly, until she saw my personal savings.

Now she calls me ugly and broke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

Lifetime Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.


The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.


But lo and behold, the...

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

Daylight Savings Explained

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

Just lasted over an hour in bed...

Thank you day light savings

My bank is trying to get people to open additional savings accounts,

but there is no interest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan.

They give credit where credit is dew.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All these phone companies advertising for "More lines, more savings!"

But when I do more lines my savings go to shit.

Daylight savings

On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.

I started microfinancing my money to get better savings.

It just made a lot of cents to me.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

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