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Delivered Jokes

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

A Muslim delivered my lunch today.

Didn't realise I was eating Allah carte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

What vegetable can be delivered by a postman?

Lettuce

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

When the doctor delivered my son. He announced he's going to be a farmer!

I asked how he could tell.
He said, "because he's crying already."

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

My wife asked me what's in the giant box they just delivered to my porch.

I said it's a condom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

If a stork delivers babies, what bird stops babies from being delivered?

A Swallow

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.

Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all hi...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

A logician's wife has delivered a baby.

The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

The wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician says, "Yes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

Amazon: Your bathroom vanity has been delivered.

Let that sink in!

The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands

The mail gets delivered and...

The mail gets delivered and this busy Mom sees that she has been given mail for her neighbor. She scoops up her baby and goes out to deliver it to the correct house. She walks a couple houses down and pops the mail into the mailbox. Almost immediately her baby starts making a sound like a tuning for...

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

I delivered a baby yesterday

PSA: Don’t ship your babies through UPS!

i got a wrong fast food order delivered today with NOTHING in it

i wanted mcdonalds but got jack in the box

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered.

He's a Door Dash Hound

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

you might think babies are delivered by storks

but fat babies require cranes

Old joke, modern twist: a man is out of town when his wife goes into labor...

The man calls up his brother to assist with the birth, who readily agrees. The hospital is a bit out of date, a bit out of the way, and the brother works almost as hard maintaining his internet connection as he does assisting with the birth. Eventually, the wife successfully delivered twins, a boy a...

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

was out doing Uber eats deliveries and I delivered again to a house had just been to a few days ago. The guy had complimented me on my shirt last time and I was wearing the same one today.

He said "Hey I remember you and that's the same shirt too! lol". I said "Same shirt, different day".

My security system was delivered today...

Someone stole it before I got home.

Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?

The apostal service

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to go to the hospital to help my wife deliver a baby

While I was there my wife suddenly started freaking out about what if the baby came out with a birth defect. Everything was going through her head from it having six toes to having three heads. Eventually it got bad enough that a doctor had to come in and calm her down. Her first question was what w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has just delivered her baby

The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door?

It's called Suture Self.

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