UPJOKE
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My buddy owns a DeLorean.

He drives it from time to time.

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

What do you call an X-Wing pilot who makes too many loop-de-loops?

Puke Skywalker

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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

what do you call a fake fish?

A De-koi

It is Spring time in the Bois de Boulogne.

(all spoken parts to be told in a heavy French accent)


A French man and his young son are on a short spring holiday in the Bois de Boulogne, a very large and beautiful park in Paris.

"Papa papa let's go play in the woods!"

The French man is sitting at a table in the garden w...

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

For sale, barely used DeLorean

Only driven from time to time.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonaisse?

Sinko de Mayo

Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea

"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one

"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other

They were in de-Nile

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

If I had a DeLorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time.

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

A man was reading a book

at 3 am, when suddenly all electric devices in the building stopped working. In darkness he was unable to read, but he wasn't mad...
He was de-lighted.

Old army joke from Romania(Ukraine's neighbor) about Russian soldiers

This joke was left to me by my grandfather who fought in a couple of wars before he passed away and it's in regard to statues of Russian soldiers in the old USSR.



Russian soldiers,

why did they put you

up there?

Because you lied to the people,

or because y...

The 94th Oscars now known as the...

Oscar De La Hoya's.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I'm the woman who caused the Tour de France crash! AMA!



Oops, gotta run!

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

Mayonnaise

In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.

But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans...

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country

I think they are in de Nile

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth

De-caffeinated

Governor DeSantis and Raul Castro are walking on a beach in Miami discussing immigration policy.

Castro stumbles on something, but DeSantis picks it up. It's a magic lamp! The genie pops out and decides
they each get one wish.

DeSantis goes first goes first. "Build an indestructible 50 ft wall all around Florida. That will keep the Cubans, Mexicans, and storm surges out." No soon...

Shaemus

A tour guide in Ireland was giving his tour to a group of tourists. As they traveled down the road, Shaemus pointed to a field of potatoes. "You see dat field o'er there? I planted de first potato in dat field.. but doo dey call me Shaemus de farmer?.. I tink not." The tour continues on for a bit un...

Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..
...

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

My dad used to tell me, "son, you gotta stand up and tell the truth", but instead I sat down and told a lie.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell the truth, I just preferred de seat.

So Betsy DeVos resigned...

I guess some people were starting to pressure her to invoke the 25th amendment and she got scared because she can't count that high.

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime ...

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

What would the Mandalorian be called if he was a woman that traveled through time?

Ma'amDeLorean

Conor McGregor hates cinco de mayo...

It's nothing personal, he just cant stand Mayweather.

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

What do ducks make on cindo de Mayo?

Quackamole...?!

What’s the difference between Cirque de Soleil and the Mustang Ranch?

Cirque de Soleil has a cunning array of stunts, while the Mustang Ranch has a stunning array of .....

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

Why did the Egyptian go swimming as soon as his mom passed away?

De Nile is the first stage of grief

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

What happened to the firefly when he backed into a fan?

He was de-lighted.



(This was one of my Dad's favorite jokes)

If you like a good Sven and Ole joke. . .

Sven recently got promoted to Game Warden for his Minnesota district and was watching a beautiful flock of loon flying overhead. Suddenly, a shot rang out and one of the loon fell to the ground.

Sven, cursing, drove his truck over to where it fell, only to see his lifelong friend, Ole, picki...

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

How much does a eau de cologne cost?

$0.25 per fume

What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac?

Dead end. Dead end.

Dead end.

Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end.

Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.

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I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...

Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.

The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.

After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand...

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

I only managed to get 10% off

Anti-abortion campaigners be like....

"You cannot defeat us!!"

What do you call it when a ghost feels like it’s haunted the same house before?

De ja Boo!

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A cowboy from Texas stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called *C...

Who won the 1940 Tour De France?

The 7th Panzer Division

I asked Ellen for money, She said no

I always knew she was De-Generes

Did you hear about the constipated logician?

He was able to de-deuce himself through reasoning.

I already have a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. …

I would drive my first car every day, and only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

What did the stubborn eggs say to the birth control?

"You cant de-fetus!"

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Where were the Egyptians during the flood?

In de-nile

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

What did Vercingetorix say to Caesar upon surrender?

"You've got a lot of Gaul"

-Julius Caesar

*'Commentarii de Bello Gallico'*


**And what's the deal with this so-called 'good' emperor, anyway?**

*Nerva, that guy*

Am man fell into a big river in Uganda, Tanzania but didn't believe it.

I guess you could say he was in deNile

A horsey pun for you :)

What does a horse do to slow down for a glass of wine? It de-canters!

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Charles de Gaulle's wife,...

Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.

She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A penis". A startled hush fell over the table un...

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

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Have you heard about the matador de toros that fought with a chicken in his hand?

It’s just another cock and bull story.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

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Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life.

I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think i...

Did you know Neil de Grasse Tyson has a brother Maurice who’s in the landscaping business?

Moe de Grasse Tyson.

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"

"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

What do you call a falling smell?

De-scent

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

Why should you wear good shoes in a fight?

You'll never see de feet

This year will be the first Cinco de Mayo ...

When Americans try to avoid getting a case of Corona.

It's not been made public, but Robert De Niro recently became the father of a boy called Tom.

Apparently, he almost spoke his first word the other day.

De Niro asked him, "You talking, Tommy?"

What Pokémon would you catch in Rio De Janeiro?

Zikachu.

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A dog walks into a bank. "I'd like to make a de-paw-sit."

-"Haha thats funny!"
-"You think my finances are a fucking joke, Jessica?"

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

Allow me to de-introduce myself

My name is [redacted]

I bought myself a DeLorean today.

Might take it out from time to time.

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

Why did the guy with no legs lose

Because he was de-feeted

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De parrot, he is dead

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one t...

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?

They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.

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Mee and my girlfriend wanted to see a series on Netflix...

She told me she wanted to see Vampire Diary, but I wanted to see La Casa De Papel so I told her "Fine, who ever has the biggest penis gets to choose whatever series they want."



So yea Vampire Diary is a nice show after all

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The Venus de Milo just kicked my ass.

It surprised the hell out of me, because she looks pretty armless.

Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

What do you call an election ballot in mexico?







pick-o-de-guy-o

What are the KKK's favorite drinks?

White Powera-de and Hater-ade



(Credit to u/apena824 for the hater-ade)

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says "uno, dos..." then disappears without a tres.

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

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Independence Day

I gave my girlfriend a locket with a tiny American flag inside to help commemorate the 4th.

She graciously accepted and said, “Thank you, but I’m independent and don’t need gifts.”

In return, she offered a blowjob. I graciously accepted and came on her neck.

She asked, “Why d...

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