De Jokes - 90 Hilarious De Jokes

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

My buddy owns a DeLorean.

He drives it from time to time.

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Marco and Luigi are sitting on a park bench

Marco says, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women with de big saggy titties?
Luigi replies, "No, I donna likea de big saggy titties."
Marco thinks and asks, "Eh Luigi, you likea de women wid de big fat belly?
Luigi says, "No Marco, I no likea de big fat belly."
Marco thinks for a second and asks...

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

For sale, barely used DeLorean

Only driven from time to time.

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

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De parrot, he is dead

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one t...

How do you tell if someone is Ron DeSantis?

Hates Mickey.

Looks Goofy.

Acts like Donald.

Happy Star Wars Day/Cinco de Mayo

Chewie today, Chuy tomorrow

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?

A: Because deep down they’re really good people.

Ponce de Leon began his journey to find the Fountain Of Youth

"But captain," a crewmate said. "Are you sure the fountain even exists?"

"Hmm," Ponce pondered. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this trip would be a waste of time."

"So, are we going back?" The crewmate asked.

"No, we're not going home empty handed," Ponce replied.

"So, wha...

If I had a DeLorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

What was Leonardo De Vinci's fevorite food?

Not Cake.

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

So Betsy DeVos resigned...

I guess some people were starting to pressure her to invoke the 25th amendment and she got scared because she can't count that high.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..
...

It is Spring time in the Bois de Boulogne.

(all spoken parts to be told in a heavy French accent)

A French man and his young son are on a short spring holiday in the Bois de Boulogne, a very large and beautiful park in Paris.

"Papa papa let's go play in the woods!"

The French man is sitting at a table in the garden w...

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

A man went to the doctor.

A man went to the doctor.
He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've n...

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

I'm the woman who caused the Tour de France crash! AMA!

Oops, gotta run!

Conor McGregor hates cinco de mayo...

It's nothing personal, he just cant stand Mayweather.

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Why does the Mexican guy take xanax?

For hispanic attacks

I hate Cinco De Mayo!

-Said no Juan ever

Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

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Charles de Gaulle's wife,...

Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.

She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A penis". A startled hush fell over the table un...

What do ducks make on cindo de Mayo?

Quackamole...?!

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

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After Dennis DeYoung left Styx, he became a professional gambler. He did particularly well at craps...

He was rockin' the pair o' dice!

What do you call an X-Wing pilot who makes too many loop-de-loops?

Puke Skywalker

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

De Spa

nish Inquisition

What’s the difference between Cirque de Soleil and the Mustang Ranch?

Cirque de Soleil has a cunning array of stunts, while the Mustang Ranch has a stunning array of .....

A cyclist throws in the towel halfway through the Tour de France. Seconds later a minor avalanche kills the three teammates he was riding next to.

Survival of Defeatist

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

Happy Cinco De-

Ported

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

I only managed to get 10% off

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

I bought myself a DeLorean today.

Might take it out from time to time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-sac?

Dead end. Dead end.

Dead end.

Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end.

Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.

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There's a French phrase "L'esprit de l'escalier" which means thinking of a perfect comeback for a perceived insult just as you leave the party.

My usual thing to say when I have to leave a party is "Oh shit, it's the cops!"

Amsterdam is like the Tour de France

A bunch of people on drugs riding bicycles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Venus de Milo just kicked my ass.

It surprised the hell out of me, because she looks pretty armless.

Robert De Niro has six children,

That’s mucho de niro.

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...

This year will be the first Cinco de Mayo ...

When Americans try to avoid getting a case of Corona.

Betsy DeVos's school funding plan...

You start with $0.

But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...

What has four legs and says "hoe de doe, hoe de doe"?

Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.

They made a Hindenburg-scented perfume

It's called Eau De Humanitie

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

Anti-abortion campaigners be like....

"You cannot defeat us!!"

Everyone had better get their Betsy DeVos jokes in...

While people can still read.

Guy says, oh, I drive a DeLorean

His friend says, what kind of car do you have?

My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"

"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

Rene De Carte Walks into A Bar

Rene Descarte walks into a bar.

The bartender asked if he wanted a drink.

Descarte responded with “I think not”

Descarte disappears

Edited: fixed name

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

¿Qué tipo de oso es muy desconocido?

¡El misterioso!

I'll see myself out now...

I asked Ellen for money, She said no

I always knew she was De-Generes

Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote

I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here......

what do you call a fake fish?

A De-koi

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