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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

Ted Cruz almost made America great again....

...but then the idiot came back

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

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We now know with 100% certainty that Ted Cruz is not the biological father to his children.

He always pulls out when it gets hard.

Why are Texans mad at Ted Cruz right now?

Because he’s getting a lot of heat.

Why do people instantly hate Ted Cruz?

Because it saves time. (I stole this joke from the news last night)

What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection?

Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.

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Ted Cruz, a porn addict, a sociopath, and the Zodiac Killer walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

Trump, Cruz and Graham is sitting in a restaurant and the waiter comes over and asks...

Is everything alt right?

Danson is better than Cruz in every way.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

After getting away with murder for 52 years, the Zodiac Killer has revealed his identity to the press.

He didn’t want to be associated with Ted Cruz.

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

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What do you call it when you say "fuck it" and ditch all your responsibilities because it's too fucking cold, and go somewhere warm?

Going for a Cruz.

Carnival is offering a single day trip guaranteed to leave all your worries behind.

It's called a Ted Cruz

Full credit to my dad who just texted me this.

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

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Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the pe...

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

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A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Hillary tells the bartender: "Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I'm tired and thirsty from all the campaigning."

Donald Trump then says: "Merry Christmas! I want a drink too."

He then looks clos...

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What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's dad have in common?

They both waited too long to pull out.

Ted Cruz, according to the news, IS planning THat Either cruZ Or his aDminIstrAtion will be Compiling their documents to maKe a IntegraL poLitical announcemEnt this afteRnoon

[hope you can decrypt it]

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Trump and Cruz in a bar

A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman,
'Hey, ain't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'



So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor!
What are you guys doing in here?'



Trump says, 'We're plann...

The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird

It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. The bartender sees them chatting, so he goes over to them and says "Wow, what an honor to have the two of you here! What are you guys talking about?"

Trump responds with "We are planning our tactics for World War III."

Curious, the barten...

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Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

(Long) A clown on a tricycle is riding down the highway...

... when suddenly he comes across a hitch hiker.
"Where you off to on this glorious day, my man?" called the hitch hiker. The clown responds, "I'm going to Texas. They say an old lady named Edna makes an amazing fruit punch!" The hitch hiker is intrigued, so he decides to tag along.

Furthe...

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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.

Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imag...

[NSFW] Three guys go to Vegas

Three guys arrange a weekend in Vegas, kiss their wives goodbye, and hit the road.

As soon as they arrive, the drinking starts and continues late into the night. Eventually they all tire out and agree to head back to the hotel. For economic reasons they booked a single room, but they were a...

Where does Santa go to relax after Christmas?

Santa Cruz

I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

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Donald, Scott, Ted & a Mexican guy are walking on a beach...

Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz & a Mexican guy are walking along a beach when They notice a lamp in the sand. All 4 men reach for it at the same time.

Upon touching it, a genie pops out. The genie says: "Normally, I'd grant 3 wishes to one person, but since you've all touched the ...

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

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