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Cruz Jokes

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

Danson is better than Cruz in every way.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

ted cruz, greg abbott, and the uvalde swat team run into a bar

because they heard a car backfire

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

What's the difference between Ted Cruz's wife and an insurrection?

Ted Cruz would never defend his wife.

Why do people instantly hate Ted Cruz?

Because it saves time. (I stole this joke from the news last night)

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Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

Trump, Cruz and Graham is sitting in a restaurant and the waiter comes over and asks...

Is everything alt right?

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the pe...

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We now know with 100% certainty that Ted Cruz is not the biological father to his children.

He always pulls out when it gets hard.

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

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Trump and Cruz in a bar

A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman,
'Hey, ain't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'



So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor!
What are you guys doing in here?'



Trump says, 'We're plann...

Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Hillary tells the bartender: "Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I'm tired and thirsty from all the campaigning."

Donald Trump then says: "Merry Christmas! I want a drink too."

He then looks clos...

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A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have sex with Ted Cruz.

91% said ‘Never Again”.

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird

It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight

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What do Ted Cruz and Donald Trump's dad have in common?

They both waited too long to pull out.

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What do Ted Cruz and an impotent Japanese man have in common?

Neither can achieve an election

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Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. The bartender sees them chatting, so he goes over to them and says "Wow, what an honor to have the two of you here! What are you guys talking about?"

Trump responds with "We are planning our tactics for World War III."

Curious, the barten...

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

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What do you call it when you say "fuck it" and ditch all your responsibilities because it's too fucking cold, and go somewhere warm?

Going for a Cruz.

Driver: old man where are you going?

old man: I'm going to Sta Cruz

Driver: You're going home late tonight

old man: Yes, I went to the airport to pick up my grandson from Saudi

Driver: Oh, it's good and you caught up with me, so I'm going home too

old man: yes.. wait grandson, do you like peanuts?

Dri...

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Donald, Scott, Ted & a Mexican guy are walking on a beach...

Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz & a Mexican guy are walking along a beach when They notice a lamp in the sand. All 4 men reach for it at the same time.

Upon touching it, a genie pops out. The genie says: "Normally, I'd grant 3 wishes to one person, but since you've all touched the ...

What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation?

To take a Cruz.

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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.

Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imag...

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