En Jokes - 103 Hilarious En Jokes

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StRaNgE EnCoUnTeRs

It’s the 7.55 service from Paddington to Plymouth and a man
finds himself sat across the aisle from a beautiful woman.
She is reading a large book and as he looks closer at it he
realises it’s a book on sexual statistics.
“That looks an interesting book,” he remarks.
She smiles at him...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.

Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

En

Sorry, I know, this post is Entitled.

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Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”

“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?”

“No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”

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A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from scho...

How do rednecks celebrate Hallowe'en?

They pumpkin

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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A man is in a VIP airport lounge en route to Seattle.

He is meeting with a very important client who is also flying to Seattle but she is running a bit late. While waiting, he notices Bill Gates sitting in a chair enjoying a cognac. Being a forward type of a guy, the man approaches Bill Gates and introduces himself. He explains to Gates that he is cond...

I can't stand the ignorance of some reddit commenters

The reason they do this is because they want to show what they know about the issue, it gives them sense of worth and want to feel validated. I know this because I ~~have a degree in psychology~~ saw a youtube video

I told a fencing joke on Reddit once.

Turned out to be a riposte.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

What does Barbie like to do on hallowe'en?

Pump ken

Une blague en Français - For french people only

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.

Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.

Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (l...

My son just walked into the room,

And he asked me “ father why do people lie about what their children say on Facebook? All the scenarios are completely fake!”
And I responded “ holy hell! My dog can talk!”

Which mathematical phenomenon only uses imaginary numbers?

The Fib-Bonacci Sequence.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

Google's app management app is called "Google Play" and their payment app is called "Google pay"

Their navigation app should be called "Google Way"

Why can you never surprise a fencer?

There are always _en garde_

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning

"James, I have left my mess boots out. I want them soled."

"Yes, sir, the servant answered."

The general dressed for dinner that night, said again: "I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots."

"Yes, sir, said he, and this is all I could get for them, though...

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't go downtown and pay $80/hour to make an en zyme

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A man walks into a bar...

He sees this bucket of money on the bar and asks the bartender what’s up. Bartender tells him they have three tests laid out in order to win this money.

1. Drink this bottle of hot sauce.

2. There is a rabid dog outside with a toothache. Fix it.

3. There is a 72 year old, 450...

Interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: I can type 150 words per minute.

Interviewer: Wow! And what are your weaknesses?

Me: Every word is 'a'.

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Four Surgeons....

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerica...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

Bed of ants

Three young men were traveling in the same car one day. The first man was an Englishman, the second was Irish, and the third was Scottish. It was late, so they went to a hotel to pass the night.

When they got to the hotel, the three men realized that the place was filled up, and only three be...

How many men does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows, it's never been tried.

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

I've decided to freeze myself down to -273.15 degrees Celsius.

My friends all think I'm crazy, but I'll be 0K.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

What do fish get stressed about?

Current Events

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Some people might think that penis and testes are the same.

But there is a vas deferens between them.

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A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

Looks like Jane Goodall has blocked my number.

I guess she didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

A person was pulled over in California

The police officer asked “Where are you going to?”
The person replied “To San Jose” (pronouncing it with the “j” sound)
The police officer said “In this part of the country we pronounce j like h. How long have you been around here”
The person said “Since about Hanuary. I plan to leave aroun...

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Brown Bear

A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs
on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t
serve beer to bears in bars.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,...

Trombonist joke

A trombonist returns home from the practice with the trombone on the back seat of his car.
He needs to stop to do groceries.
When he returns to his car, he sees that his car's window is broken.
He thinks "I hope they stole my trombone".
Comes closer and sees the second trombone in his c...

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My girlfriend is a pornstar

Shes going to kill me once she finds out,

No dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and...

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

What do you say to a french man to cheer hm up ?

Beaucoup, to him, it means a lot.

What do French cities and repetition have in common?

They both appear in Reddit comments.

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Mana...

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In the evening of 24 December 1944...

...a team of Allied commandos were taking advantage of the German revelry, sneaking behind enemy lines to kill or capture the kommandant of the nearby Nazi base, Klaus von Braun.

From their position in the shadows, they watched the kommandant as he passed from soldier to soldier, thanking...

I informed my Mexican friend that I had eaten their leftover cheese.

They replied, "K, so?"

Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

Why does the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is en-Oeuf

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.

The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.

The Italian said: we dug very deep a...

Funniest joke in the world!

Not kidding. According to a study from the University of Hertfordshire, this is the funniest joke in the world:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency servi...

A soldier in the middle of a war walks up to his commander...

"Commander, I have an issue. What am I doing here?"

The commander stunned, answered:

"What do you mean? You're here because you're at war with the enemy!"

The soldier looked around and asked:

"Who is my enemy?"

The commander irritatingly pointed to the enemy base.<...

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MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, **"Your monkey just ate th...

A mildly perceptive man is confused for being psychic

One day a man was bored and decided to see if he could trick people into thinking he was psychic.

He setup a booth on a busy street with a sign. "$1 to read your mind."

His first customer, a slightly chubby man, looked skeptical.

"Ok, tell me something about me."

...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

What’s the difference between korma and karma?

One’s your dinner, the other is your just deserts.

What was the name of the knight who created math?

Circumference

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.

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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?

Asstronomy

Why aren't cats allowed in astrophysics

It'd be a catastrophe

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

Friend of mine said "What rhymes with orange"

I said "No it doesn't"

I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.

This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses

She said "So are you"

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.

The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.

The third man sees this and figures out that the other men...

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes

The first was filled with beer, the second with wine, the third with whiskey, and the last with water.

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

- Worm in beer: dead
- Worm in wine: dead
- Worm in whiskey: dead
- Worm in water: alive

The teacher asks, "Wh...

Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss...

I don't understand my wife, first she says "Yes, fine, have a tattoo!"

...and now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden!

The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.

I said, “I can explain everything.”

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class to talk about his experiences. He tells the class, "I remember one time, me and my squadron was comin' back from escortin' some B-17 and we're almost over the Channel, when one a dem Fokkers come out of a cloud..." A few kids chuckle ...

What happens when you drink too much Corona?

A Coronal mass ejection.

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What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?

(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

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In a congregation one Sunday.....

......the pastor asked if anyone would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the ...

JESUS AND SATAN ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better jo...

What's the difference between alcohol and QAnon?

Alcohol kills less braincells.

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Skald are summoned for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

A man came up to me today and said "I've invented an aeroplane without wings"

I thought, that'll never take off

Two men walk into a bar

The first one says
"I want to buy a beer for everyone in here"
The second man says
"I want to buy a beer for everyone who has bought a beer for everyone in here"
The bartender says
"You're so derivative"

Listen guys, r/jokes is a wonderful community. I really appreciate you and the joy and laughter you have brought me. But I don’t know how to say this...

“Charcuterie“

And the LORD said unto John...

"Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit)

A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”

Two hobbits were walking in the woods.

The first hobbit says "Look there, it's a tree!"

The second one replies "No, it is en't"

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What do we want?! A cure for Tourette's!! When do we want it?!

Cunt!

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Registration on the first day back at school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ………………………………"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah …………………………….."here"

Fatima El Bindiri ……………………………….."here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ……………………………"here"

Ali Sun Al En ……………………..No answer

Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl...

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A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,

"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"

The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard...

I was doing some curling in the gym when some guy looked at me funny.

I said, "What's up, punk?"

"Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

Happy Fourh of July

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."

"Where's the T?"

"We threw it in the harbor."

Merica.

I can't believe there's so many conspiracy theories in the world. This is really not the time to be making up so many.

Not now while Trump is still sitting president.

The Exorcist

A couple of years ago, my Mother-In-Law began reading "The Exorcist".

She said it was the most evil book she ever read.

So evil, in fact that she couldn't finish it and threw it into the ocean pier.

I went and bought another copy and ran the tap over it. I then left it i...

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