Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

Why does the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is en-Oeuf

How many men does it take to defend Paris?

No one knows, it's never been tried.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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Real news: A 95 year old Tennesse man is being deported after admitting his Nazi past. When asked why, as a former Nazi, he is not allowed to stay in the US, he said, "I worked a simple job as a camp guard..."

"it's not rocket science"

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A man is in a VIP airport lounge en route to Seattle.

He is meeting with a very important client who is also flying to Seattle but she is running a bit late. While waiting, he notices Bill Gates sitting in a chair enjoying a cognac. Being a forward type of a guy, the man approaches Bill Gates and introduces himself. He explains to Gates that he is cond...

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

Teacher: sing the alphabet

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

I didn't make an en-zyme this weekend.

‌‌A p‌‌irate g‌‌oes t‌‌o t‌‌he d‌‌octor a‌‌nd s‌‌ay, "‌‌I h‌‌ave m‌‌oles o‌‌n m‌‌e b‌‌ack a‌‌aarrrghh"

The d‌‌octor: "It's o‌‌k, t‌‌hey're b‌‌enign"

Pirate: "‌‌Count a‌‌gain, I‌‌ t‌‌hink t‌‌here b‌‌e t‌‌en!"

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

How do rednecks celebrate Hallowe'en?

They pumpkin

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

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A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

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Coming Home Early

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed....

The Exorcist

A couple of years ago, my Mother-In-Law began reading "The Exorcist".

She said it was the most evil book she ever read.

So evil, in fact that she couldn't finish it and threw it into the ocean pier.



I went and bought another copy and ran the tap over it. I then left it i...

What does Barbie like to do on hallowe'en?

Pump ken

The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.

I said, “I can explain everything.”

Why can you never surprise a fencer?

There are always _en garde_

I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.


This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

Before invention of electricity

Judge: I sentence you to death by the acoustic chair.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

A‌‌n o‌‌ld d‌‌ying m‌‌an i‌‌nvites 3‌‌ o‌‌f h‌‌is f‌‌riends t‌‌o h‌‌is d‌‌eathbed a‌‌nd a‌‌sks a‌‌ f‌‌avor.

H‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌ays, "‌‌‌‌We've b‌‌‌‌een a‌‌‌‌s b‌‌‌‌rothers f‌‌‌‌or l‌‌‌‌onger t‌‌‌‌han I‌‌‌‌ c‌‌‌‌an r‌‌‌‌emember, a‌‌‌‌nd w‌‌‌‌hile I‌‌‌‌ w‌‌‌‌as n‌‌‌‌ot r‌‌‌‌ich i‌‌‌‌n l‌‌‌‌ife, I‌‌‌‌ w‌‌‌‌ould l‌‌‌‌ike t‌‌‌‌o b‌‌‌‌ring s‌‌‌‌ome w‌‌‌‌ealth w‌‌‌‌ith m‌‌‌‌e a‌‌‌‌s I‌‌‌‌ d‌‌‌‌ie. I‌‌‌‌f y‌‌‌‌ou c‌‌‌‌o...

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

Une blague en Français - For french people only

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.

Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.

Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (l...

I told a fencing joke on Reddit once.

Turned out to be a riposte.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

What do French cities and repetition have in common?

They both appear in Reddit comments.

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Four Surgeons....

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerica...

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses

She said "So are you"

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

I never use a "hard R"

I always say Ka'en

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

I've decided to freeze myself down to -273.15 degrees Celsius.

My friends all think I'm crazy, but I'll be 0K.

I don't understand my wife, first she says "Yes, fine, have a tattoo!"

...and now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden!

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Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Little Timmy fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Little Timmy started playing in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
Little Timmy took a bath.

Wanna hear a cleaner joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear en even cleaner joke?
Little Timmy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sees this bucket of money on the bar and asks the bartender what’s up. Bartender tells him they have three tests laid out in order to win this money.

1. Drink this bottle of hot sauce.

2. There is a rabid dog outside with a toothache. Fix it.

3. There is a 72 year old, 450...

I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad

Friend of mine said "What rhymes with orange"

I said "No it doesn't"

Why are fencing players so good at also being guards at museums?

They’re always en garde.

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.

The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.

The third man sees this and figures out that the other men...

A cabbie picks up a nun.

The cab driver stares at her. She asks him why he’s staring & he says ”I’ve always had a fantasy to kiss a nun.” She says, “I’ll kiss you if you’re single & catholic.” The Cab driver says, “I’m both!” The nun says, “pull into an alley.” The nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hook...

The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is talking with his counselors.

One of them asks, "What are your current plans?" The prince says, "I'm going to starve to death a few hundred thousand people in Yemen and dismember one journalist." The counselor asks, "Why the journalist?" "See, no one cares about the people in Yemen."

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Registration on the first day back at school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ………………………………"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah …………………………….."here"

Fatima El Bindiri ……………………………….."here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ……………………………"here"

Ali Sun Al En ……………………..No answer

Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl...

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Mana...

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A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.

"Where have you been?"

"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

" 'till 3 AM??"

"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

In comes the husband's boss:

"Hi, Umm.. yes, ...

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.

After Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt went swimming at the beach one day and never returned...

...we named a public swimming pool after him.

(true story)

I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?



(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).



[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

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The Chicken and the Horse

On a farm in the countryside, there was a chicken and a horse that were best friends, and they often went walking through the pastures together, just talking.  

One day while on one of their walks, the horse fell into a mire, and was steadily sinking.  The horse was getting very afraid and as...

Listen guys, r/jokes is a wonderful community. I really appreciate you and the joy and laughter you have brought me. But I don’t know how to say this...

“Charcuterie“

Roses are reddish...

Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish

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What is SEXY and UNDEAD?

A Zombae

Happy Hallowe'en Y'all

What happens when you drink too much Corona?

A Coronal mass ejection.

What's the difference between OP and a Pregnant woman?

She delivers.

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

A man came up to me today and said "I've invented an aeroplane without wings"

I thought, that'll never take off

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brown Bear

A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs
on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t
serve beer to bears in bars.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,...

Gordon Ramsay

The only guy who tells girls to get out of the kitchen

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My best friend said I'm overly analytical.

At least, I think he's my best friend. Judging by how he's been acting as of late though, I may in fact, be wrong. It's hard to imagine myself without him because, Jesus Christ, he's such a good guy. Honest and everything. But recently I get the impression that he's, I dunno, found people that are b...

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Two Vietnamese people got married

It was a Nguyen Nguyen

Funniest joke in the world!

Not kidding. According to a study from the University of Hertfordshire, this is the funniest joke in the world:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency servi...

A group of researchers were interested in studying...

...some of the complex effects of stereotype threat in test-taking situations. Stereotype threat is a social psychology theory that states an individual may experience anxiety when they have the potential to confirm a negative stereotype, thus adversely affecting their performance on a test. For exa...

I don't know who it was that said humans would never be able to fly

But they definitely weren't Wright

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In a congregation one Sunday.....

......the pastor asked if anyone would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the ...

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What do we want?! A cure for Tourette's!! When do we want it?!

Cunt!

Two men walk into a bar

The first one says
"I want to buy a beer for everyone in here"
The second man says
"I want to buy a beer for everyone who has bought a beer for everyone in here"
The bartender says
"You're so derivative"

No dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and...

A Conductor on a train...

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have you...

JESUS AND SATAN ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better jo...

How do you sink a French battleship?

Put it in water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

Whats the difference between enzymes and hormones?

I've never made an en zyme.

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, **"Your monkey just ate th...

I love puns about England...

They really Brighton my day.

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table...

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won...

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'

'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts.
'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.

The second man says: ' Well you k...

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student isn't paying attention in a Chemistry class.

The teacher notices this.

"JOSEPH!" She shouts.

Joseph, the student, snaps his head up, to look at the teacher.

"Have you even heard a WORD I've said?!" she yells.

Joseph nods.

"Oh REALLY?! Then, I hope you won't mind telling me and the rest of the class the 116th ...

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"

The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"

"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office ...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

A swindler Passes by a bird in the stairwell of an appartment building

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin...

Pizza Joke

If you slice up a large pizza, that's no big deal.

But if you slice up a medium, you can get jail time.

And she should have seen it coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the dancer that was killed in the stripper bar?

Now the place is haunted with en-titties.

How do you enter a hynpotist's office?

En trance.

And the LORD said unto John...

"Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit)

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