La Jokes - 89 Hilarious La Jokes

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

Edit: *Moonlight. My bad.

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"

The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." ...

It’s not fa la la la la, la la la la.

It’s la la la la sol, fa mi re do.

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

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A guy walks into a brothel

John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?

Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket

John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try

15 mi...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

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Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

oof.

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

What does Hillary Clinton and La La Land have in common?

They both thought they were going to win.

2021 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in the world

2022 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Ukraine
2023 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Russia

It looks like the Russian Military is aiming for a record-breaking streak as the world's best 'second place'!

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My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Why does Shai LaBeouf see his doctor ?

Because it’s the only way he could get a script.

Sorry, if this isn’t a new joke

What is La-Z-Boy's actual name?

Rick Liner

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.

"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Dad joke a la meatball

I was recently out with some friends at a buffet restaurant.

I ate this Swedish meatball and said, "This tastes more Norwegian to me."

My friend replied immediately, "How could you possibly know that?"

I replied, "I was going to tell you, but you didn't let me Finnish!"

Daniel LaRusso is really turned on by smooth legs...

Wax on, whacks off!

I knew Calabasas was a rich area of LA

But I had no idea it literally rains millionaires.

(Obvious disclaimer: the event is tragic, but this is a joke)

What's "Hasta la vista, baby" in Italian?

Pasta la pizza, baby

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

What does La Quinta mean in English?

Next to Denny’s

Moving to Louisiana after living in California has been quite difficult

New Orleans is fine, but it's NOLA

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figur...

I met a girl named La Sanya today.

I think she's Italian.

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."

She told me, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

- Henny Youngman

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over ...

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Leo the Lion is enjoying his flight from Africa to LA. He opens up his meal, a freshly killed gazelle. The other passengers stare in abject horror as he tears into the carcass. The flight attendant discreetly comes over and says...

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stow your tray table and carrion."

Viva la

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are sitting on a bridge drinking their drinks of choice. Suddenly the Frenchman throws his bottle of wine into the air and shoots it yelling, "viva la France!" The Mexican follows his example and throws his bottle of Tequila up and shoots it yelling, "viva la Mexi...

What do Shia LaBeouf and an iPhone cord have in common?

They both have a charge for battery.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

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A man lived next door to three nuns...

He noticed that early every morning the nuns would go out into their back garden to pick mushrooms.

First the small nun would come out with her basket. "One little mushroom, tra la la! Two little mushroom, tra la la! Three little mushroom, tra la la!"

Then the middle size nun would c...

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

I was gonna make a joke about La Croix

But it would be tasteless

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

I took the Steely Dan flight in from LA last night.

Yep... We gated at A19

My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart

I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would tak...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

What was the high-IQ sperm bank called?

Crème de la Crème

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

Man, people in LA have been so nice the last two days...

... they keep telling me at work ,”aren’t you hot” and “stay cool!”

Whats the diffrence between LA girls and people with a spanish accent

One rolls their r's and the other rolls their i's

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Date with La Barron

A woman was set up for a blind date with a French guy named "La Barron". She was very excited. He picked her up and took her out to the lake for a picnic.

La Barron laid out a nice big blanket at the top of the hill, overlooking a few trees and the water. He placed a basket on the blanke...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

What do you call a person sleeping in LA’s airport?

SnorLAX

I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium.

It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted.

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Did you hear Lorraina Babbitt died in LA?

She was on the highway and some dick cut her off.

[Spanish Joke] Cual es el marido de la ballena?

El autobus, porque va lleno!

How many LaVeyan Satanists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Unlike you I am freed from the restraints of illusory concepts such as "light" and "dark".

There once lived a puma (mountain lion) in LA.

This particular cat never really identified herself as a puma, she really felt a closer affinity towards tigers. Being in LA, she convinced herself she could chase her dreams and set off on a journey to find herself and realise her identity.

After swimming across the seven seas, she finally g...

A whale performs a La Roux cover......

"Mmmmmmmmmm.......I'm goin' in for the krill"

In Spanish, why are computers "la computadora" and not "el computadoro"?

Because they think they know everything.

Trump Administration blocked CNN, BBC, New York Times, LA Times from media briefing

Looks like Little Donald needs a safe space...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

The Pope is finishing a trip to USA in LA

As he finishes his last speaking engagement he is picked up by a limo, and climbs into the backseat ready for the journey to the airport.
While sitting in the back of the limo he starts thinking this is a pretty beautiful car, and it's been a long time since I have driven, so he winds down the p...

A blonde woman was speeding...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?...

President Trump is visiting LA, when he decides to take the limousine to home

After a while, bored Donald Jr. asks "are we there yet?"

Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're still in California."

After a long while, Junior asks "are we there yet?"

Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're now in Midwest."
...

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.

To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!

He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Inc...

I was in this bar in LA, and Kanye West walks in...He looks around and just walks back out.

Oh well. Yeezy come, Yeezy go.

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Inflation is so high that

women in LA are wearing last year’s breasts.

What did Zach De La Rocha bring home from the beach?

A pocket full of shells.

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A New Yorker, a guy from LA, and a Texan are sipping beers on a beach, and bragging about how much pussy they've gotten...

Guy from New York says, "In the Big Apple, you just walk up and buy a girl a drink, and you can stick your cock in her."

"That's nothing!" the guy from LA says. "Where I'm from, you just walk up and say *hi* to a girl, and you can stick yer cock in her."

Guy from Texas says, "Where I c...

Larry La Prise, the creator of the hokey pokey died this week....

Every thing went well with the funeral except putting the body in the casket

They put the left leg in....

And then the trouble started

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LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass...

LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass with a knitting needle tonight.

The motive is unclear, but they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern...

LA has come up with a safe space, for people that voted for Trump

And they're calling it Texas

¿Has oído hablar de ese país con la guerra civil?

No te rías. ¡Es sería!

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane...

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.

The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.

Th...

Yussuf Swannekamp, mayor of Whistlestop Minnesota, was running for re-election.

Polling showed a dead heat between Swannekamp and his opponent, La Hernia, with 53 votes for each candidate. Swannekamp had to find another vote if he was to stay in office. On the edge of town lived a deranged tree worshipper named Kilmer Boles, who had never voted. So Swannekamp went to the librar...

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A guy travels to LA to audition for a movie and finally get his big break

His plane lands and he gets a call from his agent saying "Quick! Book the first flight back to New York I got you a part in a play!"
Guy says "Great, when is it?"
Agent says, "tonight is opening night, I'll email you the script. The part you are playing only has one line."
The guy is disap...

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A guy gets pulled over by a cop...

So a guy gets pulled over by a patrol car. The cop approaches the car and explains that he pulled the man over for speeding.

"That's impossible," says the man, "I was using my cruise control, and was going exactly the speed limit."

The man's wife says, "Oh that's not true, the cruise ...

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust, friendship and mutual respect

A bad romance starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah roma roma-ma gaga ooh-la-la.

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