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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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What type of car do Japanese girls ride?

A Nissan.

After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback

I would have liked to have seen Montana.

A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the...

At the Supermarket

Just saw a bloke in the supermarket buying 5 crates of San Miguel, 8 frozen paella and sombrero... I thought to myself Hispanic buying

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the pl...

What do new IPhones have in common with San Diego?

No Chargers.

Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19.

Apparently they're SoCal distancing.

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Rube Goldberg was born in San Francisco, CA in 1883.

Those were simpler times.

You have to be from Hong Kong to get this joke.

My dad's coworker, Joachim, was applying for a visa to travel to America at the U.S. Consulate in Hong Kong. The immigration officer interviewing him ask where in the U.S. he was planning to stay.

"San Jose" , he answered.

The immigration officer corrects him that in the U.S. they pr...

What do you call a waffle on the beach

san diego

An old joke I learned in third grade...

So, this french guy - he wants to learn English. So boards a plane to the US and he hears the Pilot say "take off". The first stop he makes in the US is the San Diego Zoo, where he learns "zebra". While he's looking at the Zebras, a couple walks up with a stroller and he learns the word "baby". So t...

I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.

You might say I’m generous to a fault.

Why does the capital of Puerto Rico have the same look as San Jose and San Salvador?

Because, when you've San Juan you've San them all.

This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”

Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

This girl wanted to show me her sans clothing...

I mean, I appreciate a good Undertale cosplay but I feel misled.

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great ...

An Ethiopian fell into an alligator pen at San Diego zoo

He ate 5 before they could get him out.

At San Francisco’s airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant centipedes.

They said, “There’s just not enough leg room in the airplane”.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

How do you get out of San Francisco?

Go straight....

"San Andreas" starring The Rock is a great movie but it could never be perfect...

Because there is one enormous fault

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A girl in Japan had an older sister who owned a car company. What was that company?

Nee-san

2 blondes are sitting on a bench in San Francisco...

One of the blondes says to the other. "Hey, which one is closer; New York or the moon?". The other blonde laughs at the stupidity of the joke.

"Well, duh! Can you see New York from here?"

People in San Francisco started running away from the water as someone started shouting, SHARK! THERES A SHARK!!

Little do they know, its just Klay Thompson doing backstroke..

The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit.

"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.

"We'...

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets.

His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an...

What did Mr.Miyagi order from the Irish pub?

Jame san!

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The sheriff of a small Texan town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 60 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a San Francisco law associate, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"

There was a five second pause as the magistrate looked at him. Then he ask...

I just heard that Tony Bennett has Alzheimers.

He left his heart in San Diego.

What do you call a Significant Other that lives in San Francisco?

A Bay-Bae

I was in San Francisco. I took off in a lane next to a self driving car. The self driving car hesitated momentarily at the green light and the vehicle behind him honked at him. So i lowered my window and yelled,

"Oh C'mon! Give it a break! It's only ***Artifically*** Intelligent!"

The San Diego Padres visited an orphanage in Mexico...

"It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 9.

What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco?

Kick them to San Jose. Then pick them up.............

Who’s the law enforcement in the font world?

Sans Sheriff

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

Hey United, my ex is flying flight 2145 from Atlanta to San Antonio, seat 12-D...

Do your thing!!!

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Why don't women wear skirts in San Fransisco?

Because their balls would show.

Did you hear about the albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?

He was a super pallid Cali mystic, expert at hypnosis.

(Today I had wanted to tell someone the Gandhi joke I read on here the other day, but I couldn't remember it so I made this up and thought I may as well share it even though it's purely derivative.)

The guy who named San Diego...

must have dropped his breakfast waffle at the beach.

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

Why are auto mechanics flocking to San Francisco?

They heard how often residents there tend to blow trannies.

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

A mathematician was stopped in San Francisco by a cop for speeding.

The cop says, “Ma’am, you were going 25. But the speed limit in a dense neighborhood is 15 mph in California.”

“I’m sorry, Officer,” she says, “but you’re wrong. This isn’t a dense neighborhood.”

He looks around at the three-story Victorians crammed against each other and laughs. “It ...

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )

If this doesn't make you groan I don't know what will...

With 2nd lockdown looming in the UK, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

What do you call forty German naysayers from San Francisco?

The San Francisco Forty Neiners

A pilot was on a layover in San Francisco....

and found himself in a shop in Chinatown. He noticed a large bronze rat behind the counter and asked the old Chinese shopkeeper how much it cost.
"Oh, bronze rat cost 2 dollah. But ancient secret that go with rat cost 500 dollah.
The pilot thought a minute and said he would just like the bronz...

Why are the "sans" family of fonts so serious?

No one wants to be comic sans.

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One of my dads favorite jokes....

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him th...

Caring Homeless

I just saw 9 homeless people under an overpass in San Franisco giving each other Covid vaccinations. What a caring community we live in.

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San Francisco Examiner

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital,
saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct h...

What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common?

They don't deliver on Sunday

Once I was in San Francisco walking along the Golden Gate Bridge when I saw this guy about to jump

(Stolen from elsewhere on Reddit)
"Once I was in San Francisco, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge when I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I thought I would try to stall him long enough for me to put the film in my camera

* I said, "Don't jump! ..."
* He said, "All my life peop...

The Mayor of San Juan was panicking

A reporter asked her what was wrong...

"Not only do I have to deal with the horrible conditions in my city after Maria, but now we have to prepare for another visit from a big ugly bag of wind."

"You mean there's another hurricane headed our way?"

"No, President Trump might fly ...

A group of men from San Francisco were skinny dipping...

When a Condom floated to the surface

"okay guys, who farted?

I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown ,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"

He walked int...

I watched the movie San Andreas today and I really enjoyed it

Despite its faults.

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

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A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had sex in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have Chinaman Charlie out back if you...

The Cathedral of San Giovanni

The City-State of San Giovanni is largely forgotten today. In 1571, however, it was a wonderful place to be for both the secular and the spiritual. The was no war for three centuries, the market benefited from its close proximity to the Old Salt Route, and the artist community was vibrant and influe...

I got a job as a stand up with a comic sans resume, but i lost my CV

Now im a comic sans resume

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

I don't mind comic sans.

It's honestly a very well rounded font.

A San Francisco cowboy and a Texas cowboy are riding their horses along the fence line...

So, a San Francisco cowboy and a Texas cowboy are riding their horses along the fence line. They're riding for a while when all of a sudden they come across a sheep who has its neck stuck in the fence.

The Texas cowboy gets all excited. "Oooo boy, look what we found! This is going to be GOOD...

San Jose

A friend of mine a went to the US embassy for a visa. When asked where he was going, he replied,"San Jose". The immigration officer corrects him that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' J is pronounced as ''H'' in the States.'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?''
"7 months; from Hanuary to H...

Professor San Holo

Prof San Holo was busy at his lab. He was experimenting with splicing genetic material from rams into eggs of bees. With global warming, certain species of flowering plants flourish while others perish. The idea was to give bees the ability to digest leaves and grass to make honey and thereby reduc...

All the guys here in San Francisco are super nice.

They keep asking if they can push my stool in. Even when I'm already sitting down or there are no chairs around.

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Many years ago, I was passing a church in San Antonio, Texas.

There in the courtyard was a large statue of Jesus, and praying to the statue was a wealthy Texas rancher. These are the words I heard him say,

"Jesus! Please help me! My Cadillacs are all in the shop. My oil wells have run dry. My cattle got the blight. My Internal Revenue Service is after m...

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