UPJOKE
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Et Jokes

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

What's the difference between ET and an illegal immigrant?

ET learned English and wanted to go home.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

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Where does ET come from?

His dick

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

Et tu brutus

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport.

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Br...

What’s ET short for?

His mother smoked and drank heavily during the pregnancy.

Veni, vidi, et obliti enim veni.

I came, I saw, and I forgot why I came here.

But why did ET get stuck on Earth in the first place?

He left his phone home

What does ET stand for?

The alien national anthem

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At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

Why are ET's eyes so big?

He got the phone bill

What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

Envelope!

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw ...

My wife called me pretentious

I was so surprised my monocle fell out..

A Roman asked me what my favorite movie is

“ET!” I said

“What and what?” He asked.

If you insist on making America like Russia in the 1980's...

SO VI ET...

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

What did Julius Caesar say to the Roman senator, who had just broken his cipher?

\- Et tu, Bruteforce?

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

"Hello, 911? I want to report a hit and run"

Dispatcher: What was the make and model of the vehicle?

Me: It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.

Dispatcher: How do you spell that?

Me: Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

To the Mothers...

_Don’t be so hard on yourself; the mom in ET had an alien living in her house for *weeks* and didn’t notice._

What do you call a MMA fight between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

Two satellites get married

The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!

What does St. Nicholas call his suits?

His Santa Clothes.


Where does he store his suits?

In his Klaus-et.

How do you steal a coat?

You jack-et

There is an ideal number of authors on academic publications

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

Which sequel is clearly better than the original?

World War 2.

Donald Trump was asked "what comes after the letter b in alphabet"

Folks, let me tell you, this is a great question. It's a huge question, it's tremendous. Just last day a decorated veteran with tears in his eyes came to me and asked" sir, please sir, can you answer what comes after the letter b in alphabet?". And let me tell you, the answer is a big deal. It's a b...

What’s frogs favourite game?

Croak-et

wanna hear a research joke?

Or not et. Al

Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus

It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.

What do you call a French jacket?

Jacques-et

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

I do not like using abbreviations to refer to multiple people

Not et al.

What did the Russians say when the USSR got dissolved?

So-vi-et!

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting

He didn’t like id., et al.

Heaven’s lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

“I want the men to make two lines:

“ One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”

“I want all the women to repo...

If this isn't in a movie in the next two years then this year has been a waste!

Setting: Our hero, tied to a chair in a laboratory.
Evil torturer: "So you won't talk, eh?"
Our hero: "You will never make me talk."
ET: "Even if I force you to wear this?" (Whips around. Our hero sees he has a face mask in his hand.)
OH: "No not that! Anything but that. I will tell all....

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What has 3 balls and flies?

ET, the Extra Testicle.

Hope it hasn't been done before

A hunter is talking with another hunter "Yesterday, we went on hunt with the others and I killed 3 rabbits, 2 foxes et 5 notuss"

The other hunter replied "What's a notuss ?"

The first hunter then said "I don't know, while I was shooting they were shouting "Not us, not us !""

I interview with a Russian software developer company the other day. I asked if they use popular development frameworks

They said .NyET

Did you hear hear about the guys who wrote the book about eating all you can at buffets?

They weren’t hungry Et Al.

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

I really hate meetings

I really wish “me” werent in meetings

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Uranus, Earth, and Pluto decide to throw a party.

Earth: so how are we going to do this?

Pluto: don't ask me. I don't know how to Plan-et.

What are your three wishes?

Me: Make all words 4 letters long.

Gene: Wish grnt

MeMe: Make alll word star with "ye"

Yene: Yesh Yent

Yeme: yeke yell yerd year yeth "et"

Yeet: Yeet Yeet

Yeet: Yeet Yeet Yeet

I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

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What do you call it when three A-Sexuals spend the night together.

A menage et '*Nah*'

Une blague en Français - For french people only

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.

Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.

Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (l...

Did you know that back in the 80's the alphabet only had 24 letters?

That's because ET went home.

What did Caesar say when he found out someone laced his raw vegetable appetizer with E. coli?

Et tu crudite'?

How'd you make a world?

Plan-et

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

Wash. Biol. Surv.

A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them.

After a while ...

What is the Russians favorite instrument to play?

The TRUMP-et

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

Give him a POISONED fish, and you feed him for his lifetime.

What did the dinosaur say to the meteor?

Com-et me bro

Did you hear about NASA's astronomical discovery?

It was a fluke. I heard they didn't plan-et.

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