UPJOKE
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Le Jokes

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...
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Why is Shia LeBeouf not allowed in Saudi Arabia?

Because he is Shia.
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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
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I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
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What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British
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A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land...

While they were there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $50...
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What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
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What did the windmill say to LeBron James?

I’m a big fan.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...
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I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...
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Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield
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Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.
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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What is the opposite of Le Stop?

Lego
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LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.
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I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb
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My French friend was sad, so I said 'Le monde'

'Thanks' she replied 'That means the world to me'
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What do Puff Daddy and Pepe Le Pew have in common?

Can't stop, won't stop.
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in france a dinner jacket is le smoking

a track suit is le jogging. a camp site is le camping. a bowling alley is le bowling. that they call their swimming pools la pissing is why i've never been able to trust them

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My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the sex?

Him: Of course we know “the sex”. How else would she get pregnant?

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The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have tha...

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo in Paris pub.

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo are going to pub in Paris to have a drink.
The bartender greets them and asks: "L'aperitif?" All there are responding with enthusiastic "Oui!"
Bartender turns to Zedillo: "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
Kelner turns to Jeltsin: "...
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No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.
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Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night.

Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.
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The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
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What's LeBron James' wife called?

LaBron James.
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Why does LeBron James wear high socks?

His Cavs can't handle the Heat
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I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.
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LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.
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So it was in fact Le Sword

That is mightier than Le Pen.
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Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,

"That means the world to me."
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James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?
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Alternative Ventriloquist

Dude goes into see a talent agent. He says to him "I have got a great act for you. We will make a fortune."

"Ok, fine, tell me what you do."

"I can talk and sing out of my arsehole."

"Wow! Ok show me!"

Dude jumps up on the agent's desk, drops his trousers, and curls out a...

What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?

They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
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What is Karen called in Europe?

An American
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Man walking through a shopping mall with his wife.

He looks off into the distance and see's his mother-in-law exiting a store. As she glances over towards the couple, 6 thugs jump her and start attacking her.

The husband looks on in shock while the wife screams:

"Don't just stand there! Aren't you going to help!?"

The husband r...
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What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

... Kilometre Cyrus
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What does polite french-australian never miss at the gym?

Le g'day.
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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor sai...
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Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.
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I'm an American, but I thought Marine Le Pen got less than fifty percent of the vote.

Why did she not win?
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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Mario...

What is Yoda's last name?

Yoda - Le Hee Hoo
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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it...

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What's the difference...

What's the difference between:

* a bunch of tortoises all going the same direction

> And

* A big pile of shit in the middle of the sidewalk?

---

One's a herd of turtles, and the other is a hurdle of turds!

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An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them ...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...
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Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......

...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.

Read online on a comment. LOL
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.
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Why does LeVar Burton not like to travel by airplane?

He usually flies twice as high.
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A woman enters a pet shop to buy a talking parrot.

She immediatly sees a colourful parrot with two strings attached on its legs. She asks the shopkeeper about this one, and he says:

\- It's because this particular parrot can speak 3 languages.
\- Oh great, but what are these strings for?
\- Let me show you.

He pulls the left ...

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...
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An anglophone student is learning to speak French

…when a black fly lands on his teacher’s desk. “Regarde le mouche”, the student tells his teacher.

“It’s not LE mouche” says the teacher. “It’s LA mouche”.

…the student is impressed: “how could you tell? Your eyesight is amazing!”
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What do you call a hole where you get water?

Well?
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TIL in France, marijuana is called...

Oui'd
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Little Johnny #71

During a class on good manners and etiquette being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike rep...

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.
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People always rant about their dogs or cats

BUT THE SECOND I TALK ABOUT MY COCK

What’s your favourite race?

Mine is the Le Mans
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I watched Beauty and the Beast with French Mr. T

It was a normal movie night, until the part in the Gaston song where he punches Le Fou, and Mr T. yelled out " Pause the movie!". I asked him "Why, what's wrong?" French Mr T. cried out " I pity LeFou!"
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A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus

When he sits down at the bar, the bartender ask, "Hey, what's the deal with the octopus?"

The man replies, "Oh this? This octopus is amazing. It can play any instrument!"

"Bullshit, " the bartender says. "I bet it can't play this piano!"

The man flops the octopus down onto the b...

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

3 Psychoanalysts walk into a bar

Bartender says: we have every beer from around the world. What can I get you fellas?

Sigmund Freud says: I’ll have an Austrian lager in a pint glass

Carl Jung says: I’ll have a Swiss lager also in a pint glass

Bartender looks at the third guy and says: where you from buddy?
...
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This is such a horrible time for the NRA

First schools are closed, and now this.
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table...

Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …

When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”
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Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)
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Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen
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A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...
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I've adapted a play about a hoard of small Chinese rodents that go to Paris during the French revolution and then all run off a cliff into the Seine.

Le Mings

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...
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Another Jewish joke (this one featuring boobs!) (NSFW)

My Jewish father showed me this one.

So a small Jewish man happens to come across a rather stunning woman. Specifically, this woman has the most beautiful, perfect breasts he's ever seen in his life.

So he approaches this woman and says with utmost sincerity:

"Ma'am, I'm sorry t...

What do you call a metal basketball player?

LeBronze
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A woman was attending her husband's funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.

The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, "Plethora." He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, "Thanks. That means a lot."
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What does the 'L' in Samuel L. Jackson stand for?

Motherfucker.

[alternatively Le Motherfucker]

What did the french cat say when it wanted to go outside?

Le meow
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A farmer walks into a patent office

He tells the clerk that he'd like to get a patent for a new fruit he's grown. Confused, the clerk asks "what's so special about a new fruit?"

The farmer replies "on one side it tastes like an apple and on the other it tastes like an orange."

The clerks immediately replies "bullshit!" S...

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Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response

Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn't really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those 'man of few words' kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such

Professor: So what planes did we have du...

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