What kind of melon can't get married in Las Vegas?

Cantaloupe

...I'm sorry.

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

What do people in Las Vegas order for a pick me up?

Express-Hoes.

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

Why did the Tibetan Monks go to Las Vegas?

They are very good at games of chants.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Flight takes off from Dallas....

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his c...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Why was rudolf the reindeer so angry?

Because his wife went to Las Vegas and blew 50 bucks.

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A man comes home from work

Where he finds his wife loading suitcases into a taxi cab. Confused, he asks her what she is doing. She tells him, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas." Even more confused he asks, "Why? What's in Las Vegas?". His wife responds and says, "I heard I can make $300 for a blowjob there."

The...

Magic Show

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelle...

He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope ...

Las Vegas will decide the presidential election

What are the odds?

‌‌I go‌‌t ‌‌a massag‌‌e las‌‌t week an‌‌d i‌‌t wa‌‌s th‌‌e firs‌‌t tim‌‌e ‌‌I ha‌‌d ‌‌a gu‌‌y masseuse‌‌.

S‌‌o we'r‌‌e lik‌‌e 1‌‌0 minute‌‌s i‌‌n ‌‌I jus‌‌t ha‌‌d t‌‌o ask‌‌, "I‌‌s gettin‌‌g a‌‌n erectio‌‌n normal‌‌?"

H‌‌e sai‌‌d, "Ye‌‌s the‌‌y ar‌‌e ver‌‌y common‌‌."

An‌‌d ‌‌I wa‌‌s like‌‌, "Wel‌‌l ca‌‌n yo‌‌u ge‌‌t i‌‌t ou‌‌t o‌‌f m‌‌y face...?"

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He's the Chip Monk.

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking at night ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

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What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

A man is panhandling outside a casino in Las Vegas

He approaches a well-dressed couple, thinking they have some cash, and says, "Please, could you spare ten dollars? You see, my wife is sick and needs an operation. My insurance won't cover it all, and I need to come up with $25,000 to pay the hospital before they'll even consider scheduling her su...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

What's the difference between a 3-ring circus and a Las Vegas chorus line?

One is an array of cunning stunts...

What do you call a city full of vegans?

Las Vegans


(badum tsss)

Right before the pandemic I was visiting Las Vegas.

Walking out of a casino one night, a frazzled looking dude comes up to me and commences with a sob story.

“Hey Mr. sorry to bother you but my wife and kids are in our hotel room, and I’ve got no money for food or gas for us to get out of town and go home. Any chance you could spare 50 bucks...

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A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around t...

What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?

Cantaloupe.

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[OC] A sketchy looking guy asks a stripper if she'll join him on a spiritual quest in the Las Vegas desert.

She knows she would be dumb to accept the invitation, but she asks her manager for advice first just in case. His response is simple:


"There are no stupid quest shuns; only stupid dancers."

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A businessman went to Las Vegas for the weekend.

He lost almost all of his money and had only just enough for the plane ticket back home. He finds a taxi waiting outside the casino which he get's into and proceeds tp explain his predicament and that he'd send the driver the money for the fare when he got home.

The driver doesn't care "Liste...

Alexa, where's my dad?

Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.
Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

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[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)...

And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell ou...

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

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*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

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A VERY elderly wealthy man and a gold digging show girl get married in Las Vegas.

She figures that she will show him such a good time on their wedding night that he won't survive and then she will inherit his fortune.

They get to their honeymoon suite and the show girl announces that she is going into the bathroom to freshen up. She comes out wearing a sexy little outfit t...

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[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction?

Cirque du Sleigh

After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

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“Las Bolas del Toro”, a joke my grandfather loves to tell me.

A young man visits Spain on a trip, he hears a ruckus and goes to inspect.

He finds an arena where the bull fighting had just ended, and sees a lot of people filing into a restaurant across the street.

The young man sits down and begins looking at the menu, when suddenly he hears the...

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A guy is working a his desk when he hears a voice in his head that says “sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas” the man is startled by this and asks his co-works if they heard that voice.

No one else hears it. Soon he hears it again.
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

After a few days it’s happening non stop!
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

Finally, the man gives in. He sells everything he owns and books a flight to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets ...

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Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the Las Vegas magic show last week

He's fine now, the applause at the end woke him up.

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A man is at a conference in Las Vegas....

...and decides to procure the services of a call girl. The hooker comes to his hotel room and they proceed to negotiate.

"What's on the menu?" the man asks.

"Well, a hand job is $500," said the hooker.

"Five hundred dollars? For a hand job?" the man exclaimed.

The hooke...

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.

The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."

The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting ...

Another talking frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog ...

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Young. Blonde. First class.

A young blonde woman gets on a flight from LA to New York and has a coach seat but goes and sits in the aisle in first class.

The first class flight attendant walks up to her and asks “ma’am may I see your first class ticket please?”

The young blonde woman says... “I don’t need to sho...

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes."...

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its mes...

Jones is asleep in his bed and in his dream

... he hears a voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!“

Jones wakes up thinking “That was a weird dream” and goes about his day. The next night, he hears the same voice saying “Jones! Sell all your earthly goods and your house!”

After the third night with the ...

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A man wins $5000 at a casino in Las Vegas.

He is so excited after winning some cash he decided to get a prostitute for the night. He goes to the lobby of the casino and finds the prettiest working girl in the whole place. He takes her up to his room for some sexy-times.

"Alright, so what'll it be?" asks the girl.

"hmmm, how abo...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

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A Teacher is talking to her class about Prostitutions rights in Nevada

She explains that Nevada has several brothels that have been in operation since the frontier days, and so legislature has been written to allow them to practice prostitution.

She then goes on to explain that, with the exception of Las Vegas, Nevada is mainly comprised of silver mining towns, ...

The Cheerios joke.

So there's this Cheerio walking down the street one day, and across the street he sees this pink frosted Cheerio, like the most gorgeous Cheerio he'd ever laid his eyes on. So he musters up the courage to cross the street, introduce himself, and ask her on a date. "Wow, that's so sweet," said the pi...

The Lucky Frog

A man goes golfing and notices a frog in the green at the first hole. He doesn’t think anything about it, puts the ball on the tee and prepares to swing when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 iron.”

The man looks around in surprise but doesn’t see anyone. He turns back to his ball and prepares to swing a...

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A man is on a business trip in Las Vegas...

...after he checks into his hotel he decides to relax with a cocktail at the hotel bar. While sipping his drink, a beautiful woman catches his eye and they strike up a conversation. It turns out she's a prostitute so he decides to invite her up to his room.

Up in his room, he asks, "How muc...

An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas

After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money.

The tribe signalled back, saying "No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"

Just then, a nuclear bomb was det...

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

I took the Steely Dan flight in from LA last night.

Yep... We gated at A19

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This lonely business man goes on a business trip to Las Vegas.

He's horny and lonely so he grabs one of those sexy girl pamphlets from the cab ride and goes up to his room. He finds a incredibly beautiful girl in the ad and decides, this is it, I'm gonna call this girl. He didn't want any traces on his cell phone so he called from the hotel room phone.

"...

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The Las Vegas Ice Cream Eating Contest

The Scooper Duper Creamery was a small ice cream shop on the Vegas Strip. They would hold ice cream eating contests on the weekends that, being in Vegas, would be bet on by the tourists.

Anyone could sign up to participate in the challenge if they were daring enough. To win, one would have t...

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