Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

I always say el mundo to my Spanish friend

It means the world to him

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas?

The Walmart that got turned into a Target.

Teacher: sing the alphabet

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

My Spanish teacher's husband died last week

I approached her in class and said "Mucho"

"Thanks," she said, "that means a lot."

"Tanto."

"Oh my," she replied. "Thank you, that means so much."

"El mundo."

"Thank you so much," she said, "what you've said means the world."

I cheerfully exclaimed “el mundo” to my Hispanic neighbor

... it meant the world to her

Why was El Chapo so popular among academics?

There were many *essays* around him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a restaurant where they let you stick your dick in the soup?

A broth-el

Who called El Chapo "Drug lord"

...and not "His Royal Highness"?

Is anybody here a doctor?

- Yes, I am
- He’s having a heart attack!
- I’m a doctor on Spanish philology
- But he’s going to die
- Pero el va a morir

What do you call a Mexican quarterback?

El Passo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

El Muro

It's a long one, but it's totally worth it.


**Best if read/told in a Mexican accent**


My friend asked me today if I had ever heard of El Muro, the greatest Bandido in all of Mexico. 'Well, do I have a story for you.' I said.

'One day I was riding on my horse alone throug...

I met a girl from El Salvador. I told her she was El salvAdorable...

But she said she's heard that a Brazilian times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

If life gives you melons

If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

What happens if you mate a rhinoceros and an elephant?

El-iph-ino.

What did the chihuahua name his sailboat?

El Barko

The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States...

It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.

In Spanish, why are computers "la computadora" and not "el computadoro"?

Because they think they know everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

I see that El Chapo has been extradited to the U.S.

So we may not get a Mexican wall but I bet we get a tunnel!

El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.

What do you call El Chapo suffering from seizures?

Narcolepsy

Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, and El Chapo are on a punctured hot air balloon that's quickly going down.

In order to slow their descent, they decide to throw stuff out of the basket in which they're riding.

El Chapo throws several bricks of cocaine over the side and says, "Don't worry, I've got tons of this stuff back in my country."

Following suit, Kim Jong Un throws over several bottles...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"

To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"

Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"

Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."

Cop: "¿Conocías al víc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

For your Ex

HOTEL Without 'EL' is me
HOTEL Without 'TL' is you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

What does Superman use to dry himself?

A Tow-El.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Registration on the first day back at school in London, England....

Ahmed Al Sheriah ………………………………"here"

Mustafa Al Sheriah …………………………….."here"

Fatima El Bindiri ……………………………….."here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb ……………………………"here"

Ali Sun Al En ……………………..No answer

Ali Sun Al En?

Little girl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called boob sweat and not . . .

Humidititties?

Credit: El Arroyo Mexican Restaurant Marquee

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-phosphorus-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y and Z.

"Umm.. Why did you say phosphorus?"

Because it is the ....EL-EM-ENT-AL P.

What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

Lost in Translation

An Italian guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are hired to do some construction labor. The Foreman pulls them together and says, “I need you three to move this big pile of sand to the other side of the jobsite.”

He tells the Italian,”You’re in charge of shoveling the sand into the wheelbar...

You know what really gets my goat?

El chupacabra

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a dr office complaining about a tennis elbow.

Dr- okay I need you to pee into a cup
Patient- why? It’s my EL-BOW!
Dr- ::sigh:: we have this new machine in back and all it needs is the patients urine and it will diagnose ANYthing. Will you just humor me?

The patient agrees, goes into the bathroom, produces a urine sample, hands the ...

If Anakin Skywalker was from a country on Earth, where would he come from?

El Salvader

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey's Water

Gordon Ramsey walks in

Chef: Would you like some Ice water chef?

Gordon Ramsey: is the Ice fresh

Chef: it's frozen

FUCKEN EL

Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic?

He had trouble moving his elbows.

A guy goes in his car and gets out of the parking lot...

When suddenly, while going in reverse, he hits something with his car.
He immediately goes out and sees an Italian guy unconscious.
He takes him immediately to the hospital.
The sentence is clear: The guy is in a coma.
He anxiously waits outside for him to wake up.
After some time, he...

Why is Christmas General Zod's favourite time of the year?

....Because it's No-El....

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

What do they call Samuel L. Jackson in Mexico?

“Samuel El Jackson”




I’m sorry

Where would Superman's family live on a vacation?

Host - EL

A cowboy is sitting in a saloon...

when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, "Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I'm going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside... or else I'm going to have ...

Did you know Superman has a brother who doesn't celebrate Christmas?

His name is No-El.

Merry Christmas!

Where do the old Texans go to feel nostalgic?

El Past-o

In the Old West

In the Old West, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn’t have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to t...

Two Mexican men are working on a construction site...

It's brutally hot out, and after a while Miguel just can't take it anymore. He sits down in the shade and tips his hard hat over his eyes to take a break.

His friend Joaquin looks up and sees a man approaching them. "Hey, Miguel!" Joaquin says, "Look alive, man! El jefe's coming! He'll fire y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We're doing Spanish jokes now?

My buddy told me this one:

¿Como se cambie el sexo de un burro?

Enciérralo en un cuarto hasta que se aburra.

¿Qué tipo de oso es muy desconocido?

¡El misterioso!


I'll see myself out now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather?

El nino.

What's a Tijuana hooker's favorite president?

El BJ!

I just learned how to read Braille

I was always unsure, is it “Bray-eel-ay”? Maybe it’s “Brah-el”?

I just found out earlier it’s “Brale”

The more you know...

How does Superman stay so fit?

Kal El sthenics

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry ...

Dropped my dog on the floor at the multi-cultural neighborhood party I was hosting...

My British friend exclaimed "Oh no! Is he okay?"

My Spanish friend exclaimed, "*¡Oh no! ¿El está bien?*"

My French friend exclaimed, "*Oh non! Est-ce qu'il va bien?*"

My Chinese friend exclaimed, "Five second rule!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 3 Little Pigs

There were once three little pigs, named Jiggs, Willie, and Elmer. They lived a nice quiet life in their houses made of straw, wood, and brick, respectively. But wouldn't you know it, the Big Bad Wolf came strolling into town one day, hungry for some porkchops and maybe a little applesauce on the si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Foo Bird

A group of explorers traveled to South America in order to find El Dorado and other places of great fortune. On the first day, they met up with the locals in the town they were staying in. There the locals warned them of the dangers of the jungle, specifically the Foo bird.

During their firs...

3 blokes died on christmas eve

they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said "sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you" so he said to the scotsman "what have you got?" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell" "in to heav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's your name?

A man was at a bar when a beautiful woman walked up to him to say hello. He asks her name to which she says Jane. She asked his name, he said, Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Fa fa fa fa fa el el el el el el. "Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't aware you had a speech impediment!" she says to him. "Oh my no, I speak just fine. M...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.