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Con Jokes

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A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar

The bartender says "What will it be, Father?"

If pro is the opposite of con...

Then what's the opposite of progress?

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

Con is the opposite of pro, and con is bad.

So if we want to turn the constitution into something better, then we should change it to...

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

What do you call a Con Man with Leprosy?

A Leprechaun…

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Where does a con artist stay when camping?

The answer is in the content!

A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls. 
On the final day one guy pa...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

My friend used to run a website where he discussed the pros and cons of taking different hallucinogenic drugs.

He was the original trip advisor.

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I've been contemplating the pros and cons of masturbation.

On the one hand, it feels good.
On the other, not so much.

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A rapist, a con-artist and a fascist walk into a bar...

The bartender says 'What'll it be Mr President?'

What’s the difference between ex-cons and a congressmen?

Every once in a while an ex-con passes few good bills.

If the opposite of “pro” is “con,”

Then is the opposite of “progress” “Congress?”

My son says he came up with this. I thought it was pretty clever. Have you heard it before?

What is the difference between priest and con-artist?

Priest are so good they fooled themselves.

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

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In Kent a business man was con

In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take o...

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Pros and cons

Pros of dating men: Their dicks.

Cons of dating men: They're dicks.

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "A control freak." "A con..."

"Now say, 'A control freak who?'!"

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

Pros vs. Cons

If pro means good and con means bad and if progress means to move forward, then what the hell does congress mean?

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

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A small town Sheriff catches a rapist and con man.

While thrilled that he finally caught the two, he wasn't sure what to do with them as the town jail in need of repairs and he didn't have staff to watch them.

He got the idea of letting the townspeople teach them a lesson and to raise money at the same time.

The next day, he tied the...

There are pros and cons to getting married...

On one hand you get to wear a ring, on the other hand, you don't.

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

Why do ghosts make terrible con artists?

Because you can see right through them

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

Pros and cons of working as the prison librarian.

Pros: prose. Cons: cons.

An ex-con walks into a bar.

He asked the owner for a job application. The owner asked. “Do you have any experience as a bartender?” The Ex-con replied, “Not exactly, but I’ve spent my whole life behind bars.”

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

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What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.

How do we know these words are opposites?

They are derived from progress and congress.

The con artist industry must not be doing well.

They’re always asking for money

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

Did you hear about the con woman with nymphomania?

She screws everyone.

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

What's the difference between a priest and a con man?

Con men don't believe their lies

Comic-Con Mysteries Panel

A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

What do you call it when your former girlfriend sees the person you are planning to con?

Ex spots the mark

An ex-con goes out on a date...

So an ex-con is walking around the mall with his girlfriend after dinner, when they happen across a Jewelry store. The girlfriend eyes one of the necklaces on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have a necklace like that around my neck!" Nonchalantly, the ex-con smashes the wind...

Why is it impolite to say Donald Trump is a racist, con man and a cheat?

Ettiquete dictates you say, "President Donald Trump is a racist, con man and a cheat."

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I was asked to participate in a debate in front of a large crowd of people about the pros and cons of masturbation.

I showed up totally unprepared, as I’ve never been much of a mass debater.

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

What do you call a con-man dwarf with esp?

A small medium, at large.

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

What's the difference between prostitution and constitution?

Well, one has its pros and the other has its cons.

What's the name of China's best con artist?

Foo Ling Yoo

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

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A rapist and con artist gets caught by the sheriff in a small town.

But he gets released because sitting presidents can't be indicted.

A man is going to comic con

He's just throwing around cosplay ideas with his wife, and then he exclaims, "Oh! I could be the Comedian from Watchmen!"
To which his wife replies, "Babe, you don't need to dress up to be a minuteman.."

I remember when I went to Comic-Con...

It was so dark in there, I had to take a picture with The Flash...

Did you guys hear about that Egyptian con-artist?

Turns out he was running a pyramid scheme all along.

A list of con-man jokes.

What?

You were expecting your money's worth?

Now begger off before I set Fred on you.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

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I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...

I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"....

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