Imagine a con artist named Dom.

He’d be called condom.

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

If con is the opposite of pro

then isn't congress the opposite of progress?

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...

I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"....

Been thinking about starting a program to rehabilitate felons through the power of writing

So I've been considering all the prose and cons.

Where do Soviet nerds gather?

At Commie-Con.

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "A control freak." "A con..."

"Now say, 'A control freak who?'!"

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

What do you call an uppity criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

What do you call it when your former girlfriend sees the person you are planning to con?

Ex spots the mark

So I was walking down town near the local prison...

And as I was walking down the street, I see a man with dwarfism climbing up the wall of the prison looking to escape.

He looked over at me so I waved at him. He gave me a nasty stare and scoffed at me as he began climbing down.

I said to myself "that's a little con-descending"

An old man walks into a bar. He apologises to the barman, he has no money.

But, if he were allowed to entertain the clientele, maybe the barman could give him a drink on the house. The barman tells him go ahead.

The old man reaches into a bag beside him and takes out harmonica, then a tin box and finally a duck.

He places the box on the floor, the duck on t...

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A small town Sheriff catches a rapist and con man.

While thrilled that he finally caught the two, he wasn't sure what to do with them as the town jail in need of repairs and he didn't have staff to watch them.

He got the idea of letting the townspeople teach them a lesson and to raise money at the same time.

The next day, he tied the...

I held a creative writing seminar at a women’s prison last month

How did it go? Well, it had its prose and cons.

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A man buys a talking centipede for €5000.

He takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.

Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conne...

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

A con man and Trump walk into a bar ...

Bartender: Donald why you always come in by yourself

Governor DeSantis and Raul Castro are walking on a beach in Miami discussing immigration policy.

Castro stumbles on something, but DeSantis picks it up. It's a magic lamp! The genie pops out and decides
they each get one wish.

DeSantis goes first goes first. "Build an indestructible 50 ft wall all around Florida. That will keep the Cubans, Mexicans, and storm surges out." No soon...

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

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In Kent a business man was con

In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take o...

I started a literacy program for inmates.

There's been some prose and cons.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

A con artist scammed the president into giving him a state.

The president tried to get him to do a double-or-nothing but the con artist refused...

Because he had con-etiquette.

What do you call a hardened criminal from Crete?

Con-crete

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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

I tried writing a remake of my favourite Nic Cage film but set in Ireland

After all, who wouldn't enjoy Con Aer Lingus

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I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

Con-fusion

I know a con artist who loves nuclear physics.
- He creates confusion.

A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, “Where is your wife!?”

“Why?” the neighbour asks. “What did Anna do?”

“She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes,” the man yelled.

“Anna conned her?”

“No. Burmese python.”

If the opposite of “pro” is “con,”

Then is the opposite of “progress” “Congress?”

My son says he came up with this. I thought it was pretty clever. Have you heard it before?

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19!

It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.

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Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls. 
On the final day one guy pa...

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

I just got a new job at the prison library

It has its prose and cons.

Did you hear about the con woman with nymphomania?

She screws everyone.

Why is it impolite to say Donald Trump is a racist, con man and a cheat?

Ettiquete dictates you say, "President Donald Trump is a racist, con man and a cheat."

An ex-con walks into a bar.

He asked the owner for a job application. The owner asked. “Do you have any experience as a bartender?” The Ex-con replied, “Not exactly, but I’ve spent my whole life behind bars.”

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

Why do ghosts make terrible con artists?

Because you can see right through them

A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.

The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"

Con is the opposite of pro, and con is bad.

So if we want to turn the constitution into something better, then we should change it to...

What are the pros and cons of a test?

Protest and contest.

The con artist industry must not be doing well.

They’re always asking for money

What's the difference between a priest and a con man?

Con men don't believe their lies

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.

How do we know these words are opposites?

They are derived from progress and congress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...

The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.

It's because the cons outweigh the pros.

I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green.

He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.

Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.

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Pros and cons

Pros of dating men: Their dicks.

Cons of dating men: They're dicks.

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A rapist and con artist gets caught by the sheriff in a small town.

But he gets released because sitting presidents can't be indicted.

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

After I hit my head really hard, I swore.

I guess I was con-cussing.

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

I've started running poetry nights at the local prison.

It has its prose and cons

What is the difference between priest and con-artist?

Priest are so good they fooled themselves.

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

Ireland

Did you hear about the Diseased Colony in Ireland that stole everyone's money?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It was a Leper Con.

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

What's the difference between ex-cons and congressmen?

Every once in a while ex-cons pass a few good bills.

I can't decide whether to join the bard's college or the thieves' guild...

I guess I'll just have to weigh the prose and cons. :)

What do you call a con-man dwarf with esp?

A small medium, at large.

A police officer was facing a dilemma.

A handful of individuals were brought into the precinct, each with different amounts of cash and gold stuffed in their pockets. Some were professional heisters, others were just average con artists.

He was asked to distinguish between both groups based on how much they had hidden in their po...

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

I bought some Shredded wheat, but I think it's a bit of a con.

It's no more muscular than regular wheat.

I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.

Pros: prose
Cons: cons

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

So I'm weighing the pros and cons for moving to Switzerland...

The flag is a big plus...

Credit to my 13yr old for this one too!

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

A child predator, a con-man, and a priest walk in to a bar...

The bartender says: “Hey Father John!”

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

San Diego Comic Con and Dragoncon are going to pull their resources and merge into one event.

But it was called off because no one was happy with the con fusion.

What if someone were to steal the Large Hadron Collider?

It would be a matter of 'great con-CERN'.

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