Di d y ou k n o w

tha t it’ s po s s ib l e to wri t e on t he phon e wit h you r p e ni s?
Th e on ly is su e is bal ls pre ssin g sp a c e a ll th e ti me

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

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​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

Di‌‌d yo‌‌u kno‌‌w i‌‌f yo‌‌u hol‌‌d you‌‌r ea‌‌r u‌‌p to‌‌o ‌‌a stranger‌‌s leg

... yo‌‌u ca‌‌n actuall‌‌y hea‌‌r the‌‌m sa‌‌y "wha‌‌t th‌‌e fuc‌‌k ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?"

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

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What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator...

Quentin Tarantino has said his filmmaking career is over

Because now it's more than thirty years old, Leonardo DiCaprio isn't interested any more.

Why couldn't T-Rex fly?

Because Di-No-Soar

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

A joke in Malay

I noticed that there are no jokes here in the Malay language. So, here goes.

PECAT
 
Majikan : Kamu di pecat!

Pekerja : Tapi saya tidak melakukan apa-apa!!

Majikan : Itu lah sebabnya mengapa kamu di pecat…

OP, how close were you to giving away the punchline of this joke?

Disclose

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In an old age home...

90 year old Sean : I miss Sex life so much.
75 year old Tina:

How can I help?

Sean : I'd feel good if you could just hold my di*k.

So Tina held his di*k, and they kept talking all night.

This continued every night for two weeks.

Then one day Tina saw Sean w...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

What do Mexicans exhale?

Cabrón di oxide

Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party?

He wanted something a little more Loki.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

I went to the butcher's shop...

I went to the butcher's shop around the block from my house to get some ribeyes for the long weekend. I'm excited because I don't eat steak very often and these are dry aged to perfection, cut an inch and half thick and pretty much the best steaks you can get! I'm all set to leave, when I notice a ...

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

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Why was Prince Charles’s dick multicoloured?

He kept dipping it in Di

What di you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 inches long

A π-thon

Uh oh. Prince Charles has coronavirus.

Does that mean he might Di? (Too soon?)

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Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

A man is driving through southern Alabama late at night when his car breaks down

“Just my luck,” he thinks as he decides to start walking. Fortunately, after a quarter mile or so he finds an open, albeit shabby motel. He checks in with the extremely backwoods desk clerk and sees that the place won’t win any Michelin awards, but he just needs a place to lay his head until the mo...

What di you call a white pair of binoculars?

Albinoculars.

What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

## Ironman is a superhero, Ironwoman is a command.

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

If at first you succeed

You probably did something wrong go back and figure out what it was.

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio.

He didn't get it.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

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Emotions

So.. 3 french guys were walking around Brooklyn when they spot a party, they go knock on the door but the person answering says they can't get in without a costume. They walk away dejected. One of them spots a green paint can in an alley and pours it all over himself goes to the door and says I am g...

Why were luke and leia Jedi’s?

Because they were children of di vorce

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso?

*Dick.*

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

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A guy moves into a new apartment building...

He decides to host a party to get to know his neighbours. Being the sort of person who liked to do things a little differently he throws a costume party but with a unique theme. Every guest must turn up dressed up as an emotion.

The big night finally arrives and our host is feeling nervous. W...

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was "The Wall"

Where dis King David keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles?

She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.

What's the difference between your bonus and your di*k?

You don't have to beg a woman to
blow your bonus.

If I ever have a rabbit, I’ll name him Cab Calloway.

Because if he ever gets scared, he’ll crawl into his Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hi-Di-Hole!

Did you hear the one about the Ham Radio Operator's kids?

They di-dit and di-dit 'cuz their dah-dah di-dit!

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

Dinosr

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A black man finds the ID of Leonardo Di Caprio on the ground.

He takes it and goes away. Some days later he is stopped by the police while driving like crazy on a city road.
They ask him his ID and, to avoid unnecessary problems, he gives them the ID he found on the ground.
The officer looks at the ID and back to the man. He reads aloud: "Name: Leonard...

Did you hear about the lady who backed into a plane propeller?

Dis-assed her

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

Did you hear the one about the man who married his Mahogany table?

It was a monogamous mahoganous relationship where he gave his wood to only one wood.

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog

He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk to which the bartender agrees.


The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?”


“Roof!” says the dog.


Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again. ...

Did you know that Princess Di had really bad dandruff?

They found her head & shoulders in the glovebox.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin' pig, and ten we can tell them apart.” “Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a ...

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

How do you keep an Idiot occupied?

[Click here to find out]( http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1v1wqm/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_occupied/)

Did you hear cheese companies stopped packaging pre shredded cheese in the USA?

We need to Make America Grate Again

Man walks into a bar.... with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”

The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”

The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”

Roof roof says the dog.

The bartender points t...

Stopped from going into a bar, dis is discrimination.

A brain and a jumper cable walked up to the bar, "I'm sorry , I can't serve you guys " said the barman,
Why? said the brain,

You're outta youre head and he is going to start something.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.

So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”

And the dog barks “...

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

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I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

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A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

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A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell...

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

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A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

What’s Andy Bernard’s favorite app?

Reddit did di doo

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Halloween in Jamaica

It's Halloween in Jamaica and some friends are organising a costume party. Everyone's told that the theme of the party is Moods and Feelings.

One the night itself, there's a knock on the door and when the host opens it, standing on the porch are two guys, completely naked, except for the fact...

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous ...

Why did Sweden start putting barcodes on their newest fleet of battleships?

So they could Scandinavian

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

What do you call 18 wheat fields in france?

Dix-huit fields.

A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.

When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who...

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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

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What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins with," Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins with, " Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato?

Dictator

I wish I were good at telling pizza jokes

But I always botch the DiGiorno

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my f...

A man and his dog walk into a bar.

The man says to the bartender, "Look, this dog can talk. Let me ask him some questions, and he'll answer."

The bartender looks sceptical, but says, "Okay, pal, you're on."

"Rex, what's on top of a house?"

The dog barks. The man says, "See there, he said 'roof'!"

The barte...

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A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

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A man is hosting an emotions party.

In order to get into the party, guests had to be dressed as their favorite emotion.

As the host is getting ready for the party, he hears the doorbell.

He opens the door and sees a couple dressed all in red. The man says, "And what are you supposed to be?"

The couple replies, "...

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