Di Jokes - 81 Hilarious Di Jokes

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?

Because he finally got it

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer."

Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."

Me, explaining military time to DiCaprio:

“So it goes up to 24, and then it starts over again.”

“That’s perfect”

Why is Leo DiCaprio soo good at Black Jack?

He always hits on teens and never goes over 21.

Why does Leonardo DiCaprio like Covid?

19 and easy to spread

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged to never watch the Titanic movie again ever..

Why you ask? Beacause it's turning 25 this year..

What does Leonardo DiCaprio call a 19 year old?

A long term relationship.

My bestfriends life is like my di*k

Hard for no reason

What’s the difference between Leonardo di Caprio and a calendar

Leo’s dates only go up to 25

People care way too much about Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating habits.

The last time he dated a woman his age, she let him sink!

Di d y ou k n o w

tha t it’ s po s s ib l e to wri t e on t he phon e wit h you r p e ni s?
Th e on ly is su e is bal ls pre ssin g sp a c e a ll th e ti me

What’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s least favorite kind of wine?

Aged.

The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

What do you call Leonardo DiCaprio and his fiance on their wedding day?

Bride and Groomer

Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----

Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

What's the difference between Sesame Street and Leonardo DiCaprio?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

Should we adopt a universal language?

A) Yes

B) Tidak

C) nuk e di

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.

How do you change that?

Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.

(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

“...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

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What DiD the butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

together we can stop this shit

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?

His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

What's the similarity between DiCaprio and this decade?

Both will have dates in 20s.

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio.

He didn't get it.

What would Princess Di being doing right now if she were alive?

Scratching at the roof of her casket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?

*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That wor...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

What di you call a white pair of binoculars?

Albinoculars.

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states:
'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.'
'I know, father. As a...

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de*liver*y flavor.

What di you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 inches long

A π-thon

I bet if Leornardo DiCaprio has a kid...

he names it Oscar so he can finally have one.

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was "The Wall"

Google anniversary

Today Google is 25 years old, which means that Leonardo DiCaprio won't use it anymore.

What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles?

She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.

What's the difference between your bonus and your di*k?

You don't have to beg a woman to
blow your bonus.

What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head

DiCapritation

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A young boy, a doctor, and an old man were on an airplane with Putin.

Suddenly, the pilot runs in and cries, "The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people," as he runs to the back. The pilot then takes a parachute and jumps out of the aircraft.

Immediately, Putin grabs the nearest parachute, says, "I have a war I must win," and hops off t...

What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?

Jesus doesn't think he's Bono

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception.

He has a dream job.

A man walks into a bar…

He goes up to the counter and bets the bartender free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk, to which the bartender agrees.

The man asks the dog, "What is on top of a house?"

"Roof!" says the dog.

Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again.
...

A woman in her Kia did not wear a seatbelt and got into an accident

Her body left her Soul.

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

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A black man finds the ID of Leonardo Di Caprio on the ground.

He takes it and goes away. Some days later he is stopped by the police while driving like crazy on a city road.
They ask him his ID and, to avoid unnecessary problems, he gives them the ID he found on the ground.
The officer looks at the ID and back to the man. He reads aloud: "Name: Leonard...

If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno...

...there is a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice in your life too.

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

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