Where did Steve go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

If Steve Harvey ever get into a fight with his wife...

>!It'd be a family fued...!<

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Jobs and no Hope. I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn’t die.

Why was minecraft steve chosen to be added to super smash bros?

Because Sakurai heard that smash players were attracted to miners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Bob and Steve, happened to be lost in Arabian desert.

Bob and Steve, happened to be lost in Arabian desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque.

Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is
Mohammad, and you say that your name is Ahmed, this way we'll get some food! Deal?"

Steve s...

Except for Steve, they all agreed that standing on a street corner soliciting money from strangers was an unsuitable occupation for a gentleman.

Steve differed to beg.

Little did you know, but Steve Irwin would have lived if he had put on enough sunscreen.

It would have protected him from the harmful rays.

Jeffery Epstein would’ve loved Steve in Smash Bros

He really liked miners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve Jobs named his company after the apple Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis.

Bill created Microsoft and Steve created Apple

I must say by doing so, they opened a lot of Gates for Jobs.

Teacher to student: I'm sorry Steve but i have to fail you on your french, you are just terrible...

Teacher:what do you have to say for yourself?

Student : Gracias

What's the difference between Steve Jobs and a hillbilly?

One has an iPhone and the other has an iReckon.

Damn how I wish I was someone like STEVE JOBS

Dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to dick

Mostly because his name is steve

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

Steve is driving to see his dying mother when he gets pulled over for speeding.

Steve angrily asks the cop, “What would you do if I called you a prick?" The cop looks up from his ticket pad and says, “I'd have to arrest you.”

“What would you do if I thought you were a prick?" The cop replies, “I can't do anything about what you think.” Steve says, “Well then, I think yo...

After talking with his girlfriend Kim, Steve reluctantly decided it was best to ask for her father’s permission to get married.

"So," said Kim’s father, "you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"

“Not particularly, " Steve responded, "but if I want to marry your daughter I haven't much choice, have I?"

I could have been more famous than Steve Jobs

But iPhoned it in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in ehr ass and said ‟yeah, you like that Steve?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pearly Gates

Three couples are returning from a night out on the town when their car crashes. They all find themselves facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



St. Peter looks at the first man and says, “Steve, it says here in the book that you’ve been a chronic gambler all your life. Your gambling c...

Bob is standing at the urinal in the men's room doing his business. Steve walks up a couple of spaces over from Bob and begins to do his business. Bob glances over and exclaims, "Wow, you're huge!!"

Steve kinda hangs his head and says, "Yeah, I know."

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I just never seen a guy as fat as you. When is the last time you seen your pecker?"

Steve replies, "It's been a long time."

Bob asks, "Why don't you diet?"

Steve says,"Why, what color is it now?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife.

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve."

"But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes, I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom...

Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away.

A grasshopper walks into a bar

A grasshopper walks into a bar and pulls up a seat.

The bartender sees him and says "Hey! We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks at him and says "You have a drink named Steve??"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistically, 1 out of 10 friends is gay.

I hope its Steve, he's really cute

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

What do you call a group of 7 Steves?

A Steven.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

Jobs that don't exist anymore

1.Steve

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife is in a coma

Steve's wife falls in to a coma and after 2 years, he gets called in that there maybe a breakthrough.

At the hospital a nurse informs him that while giving her a sponge bath and reaching certain area there was new brain activity that started. The doctor then tell Steve if he was willing perha...

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

If Steve Harvey and his relatives ran a kingdom during the Middle Ages...

... You'd call it Family Feudalism.

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

Just had an argument with the wife.

She was angry because I didn't open the car door. What happened was that I just panicked and swam to the surface.

— maybe Denis Taylor, via Steve Davis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

Steve, how do you get to work?

I go by train.

Ok. Train, how do you get to work?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two of my favorite comebacks are “It’s a joke, Steve, not a dick. You don’t have to take it so hard,” and

your mom’s.

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

Did you guys know that Steve from Minecraft has a 16 skin?

That's because his foreskin is squared.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"

Steve: "I wish I was rich!"

Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"

Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"

Steve walks into a classroom, and catches Will playing with Jelly Babies.

"Why are you playing with Jelly Babies"? Asked Steve.

Will shrugged, and once he'd lined up all the Jelly Babies he pulled out a bag of Haribos. "Can't you hear them?"

"Hear what?" Steve asked, edging closer to the table.

Will looked up. "They're singing. Can't you hear it?"...

Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve.

It’s called St. Eve Jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

Steve got a job as a lumberjack...

and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. "here you go. now get to it."

Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.

"How many did you get?", he asks.

"One", Steve answers.

"wait, how is that possible? I need you to cut down at least 10...

I never understood people who have the confederate flag and the american flag bumper stickers.

It seems like a bad relationship. It's like, "this one is to commemorate my love for Steve! And this one is to commemorate the time I tried to escape from Steve...."


Credit goes to Neal Brennan

Some say that Steve Jobs died too early

Personally I think it’s a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude towards battery life

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

Steve From Minecraft walks into a bar.

The bartender says “Hrmm, I can’t get you a drink.”
Steve asks why. The bartender replies with,

“We don’t serve Miners.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

Hi Steve

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you kn...

Steve Winwood started his solo career in 1977.

It would have happened sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic.

Why couldn’t Steve Jobs see outside his office?

Because he didn’t use Windows.

Ten years ago today I married my best friend

My girlfriend didn't think it was funny, but Steve and I were drunk and thought it was hilarious at the time.

Last words from Steve Jobs to Tim Cook

"When things start going south, when others try to change the way we make our products, when we are perceived as not innovating anymore...
you make a stand!!!"

What would you call Steve Harris if he worked for an electrical company without pay?

A Powerslave

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHATTTTT????”

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

So after what Steve does at the end of Endgame...

Does that officially make Sam "Captain Falcon" now?

Was told this on my wedding day 16 years ago by my 8 year old nephew...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender this is his first time at a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle and says “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper shakes his head in amazement and says “What?!? i didnt know you had a drink named...

How do you know Minecraft Steve is interested in a a girl?

He looks at her chest.

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

If Steve jobs invented mac, did he also invent cheese?

(an actual original joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies were getting drunk together.

One drink too many one of them rushes to the bathroom and moments later comes out with his shirt covered in vomit.

"Jesus Steve, what happened to you?" Asked his buddy.

"Ah, shit I puked all over myself, my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I messed up my nicest shirt from dr...

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

(non-spoiler) Why could't Team Avengers sign Steve Rogers?

They didn't have enough cap space.

A married man dies and goes to heaven

When he arrives at the pearly gates, he's greeted by Saint Peter who explains the rules. "Heaven is a very big place so everyone who enters is assigned a vehicle", he says. "The status of your vehicle corresponds with how faithful you were in your marriage." Since our hero only cheated on his wife o...

I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.

Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."

Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."

Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.