UPJOKE
stephenhomeriliadchristianityshiploadshipdavitsarahshipboardtroopshipstevieonboardshipperchristark

If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..

But that's really comparing Apple to oranges

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?

It didn't protect him from harmful rays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

What's better than a step-rooster named Steve?

A step-hen named Stephen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

What did Steve Jobs say when he farted?

ifarted

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

Steve Winwood once asked me to be a part of his band

Ultimately, I declined his offer after remembering what my dad always told me.

"Son, remember to never play in traffic."

Genie: What's your first wish? Steve: I wish I was rich

Genie: What's your second wish, Rich?

What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?

iCame, iSaw, iConquered.

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.

I wonder what was his other leg was called.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve was on a walking holiday in the Irish countryside

He was about to cross an old stone bridge when a small man jumped out from behind a rock

“I’m the lucky Irish leprechaun” he said “and for finding me today I’ll grant you 3 lucky wishes”

Steve couldn’t believe his luck, so for his first wish he asked for a million pounds

“Grante...

Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter

....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

It's alright, Steve

Doctor: It's okay, Steve. It's just a simple operation

Patient: Umm... my name's Dave

Doctor: I know, *my* names Steve.

My pastor always says "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". I found a solution though. Eve and Steve just need to take a turn together!



That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

What was Steve Job’s least favorite dessert?

Apple Turnover, he loved a big piece of that pie

Did you hear about Steve he drowned in a river

We buried him with a life preserver it’s what he would have wanted.
Credit to u/whiskeyinspace

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve goes to his doctor...

Steve goes to his doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician, "You take some pills, and your problems are history." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack: "I heard you started a rumor that I have an Oedipus complex, Steve. Fuck you."

Steve: "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected?

Because he used eye-pads before sleep

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, was a great man.

He died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.










[Full credit to u/Hairy_Cheeks](https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/3nil7q/18ft_crocodile_named_brutus_caught_and_ate_this/cvokdmg)

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

Steve, Bruce and Jed are working on a telephone tower, when Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."


Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."


Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.


Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
...

Did you meet Steve Jobs' dirty brother?

Han Jobs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

Could you imagine if Steve Jobs first name was blow

His current business model would suck.

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man named Steve is walking down the street and sees a clown walking towards him.

"Hey look, a clown!" Steve says. "Do you think you could make me laugh?"

The clown says, "Not now, I'm tired. I want to go home."

"Oh come on!" says Steve. "Show me a magic trick you sissy! Make me feel young again!"

Steve won't quit harassing him, so the clown reluctantly agre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store.

Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store and worked in it daily, alternating lunchtimes so they could cover all hours. One day, Steve returned from his lunch to an excited Bob.

"Steve, we made a $300 sale, but there's good and bad news!", Bob said upon his return.

"Okay Bob, giv...

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

Steve Jobs didn’t die…

He got uploaded to The Cloud.

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope

Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

Steve treats John as a Rival

Steve always fall second next to John in everything in High School, when they graduated high school John graduates as the Top of the class and Steve is second.

On then Steve vowed to study hard in college and comeback to humiliate John. John are not able to continue his studies because their ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?

Steve's not a cunt.

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977.

He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in traffic.

Steve Jobs got a name change after he died.

He is now called Steve Retired.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

Covid-19 is like Steve Jobs

One more thing...

Hi Steve

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you kn...

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

Why can't you make fun of Steve Jobs' death?

... Because it's not PC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

Steve Irwin busts through the door and puts me into a headlock.

"This little bugga simulates reproduction up to 5 times a day, almost exclusively without a mate!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

Steve sees a woman crying on the street

\- "Why are you crying?" he asks.

\- "My husband went to pick up cigarettes' and he hasn't come back home for 2 weeks now."

\- "Don't worry, I can give you cigarettes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

Why did Steve Jobs eat all the cookies?

Mac users have no CTRL

After his death, Steve Jobs wakes up in Hell and asks Satan, "Why am I here?"... (It's not in bad taste.)

After his death, Steve Jobs wakes up in Hell and asks Satan, "Why am I here? Certainly I've changed the world for the better through an innovative technological revolution."

"That's quite true," says Satan. "You belong 'upstairs' and I'm only borrowing you for a few days. But see, whenever ne...

Where did Steve go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

What was favourite Steve Jobs' burger?

Big Mac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my friend Steve is gay, but I’m not sure...

I’m so bad with names.

How did Steve got his lungs injured in army?

Sergeant told him to blow up the tank.

The beverage factory

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

Bob and Steve, happened to be lost in Arabian desert.

Bob and Steve, happened to be lost in Arabian desert. After days of walking without any water or food, they noticed a Mosque.

Bob said: "Yes, thank God! I will walk in saying that my name is
Mohammad, and you say that your name is Ahmed, this way we'll get some food! Deal?"

Steve s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

Why couldn’t Steve Jobs see outside his office?

Because he didn’t use Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve and Natalia

Steve and world famous super model Natalia are stranded on an uninhabited island after the sinking of their cruise ship. After securing their survival they eventually start having sex and Steve is ecstatic. After about three weeks he gets antsy and asks Natalia, if she could put on one of his shirts...

Steve, how do you get to work?

I go by train.

Ok. Train, how do you get to work?

Don't worry about Steve Bannon

He'll be alt-right

Steve got a job as a lumberjack...

and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. "here you go. now get to it."

Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.

"How many did you get?", he asks.

"One", Steve answers.

"wait, how is that possible? I need you to cut down at least 10...

Jeffery Epstein would’ve loved Steve in Smash Bros

He really liked miners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Dave is hanging out with his friend Steve at a bar

Dave is really down in the dumps so Steve asks him what’s up.

Dave: “My wife has been making me pay for sex!”

Steve: “Really? How much does she charge you?”

Dave: “$50 every time!”

Steve: “Wow, you’re lucky!”

Dave: “Lucky!? How could you say that!?”

Steve: ...

Steve jobs goes to Heaven..

.. As he steps up to the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at him with a frown on his face, points downwards and says: “You know how we feel about Apples up here.”

Teacher asked lil Steve:

-What do you wanna do when you grow up?

-I dream of earning millions and millions of dollars, just like my dad!

-Your father earns that much money?!?

-No, he just dreams about it every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve went to doctor and after an exam he picked his prescription

When he came home, he opens the box and sees that "pills" look a bit strange. Asks wife and she cannot figure them either. So he calls doctor.

\- "Hi doctor, I got prescription today but pills are strange and don't look like something I could swallow."

\- "That's because those are not ...

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

So I heard Steve Jobs died...

I thought Apples didn't get viruses

Why was minecraft steve chosen to be added to super smash bros?

Because Sakurai heard that smash players were attracted to miners

Why couldn't Steve Jobs enter heaven?

He couldn't get past the Gates.

Bill Gates.

Steve and his mother were way behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day Steve had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what he...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.