Greg is admitted into his local old age home.

On his first day, he goes to the lounge, and is somewhat puzzled: everybody is just shouting numbers. "27!", someone says, and everybody bursts out laughing. "62!", shouts someone else; more laughter. Greg asks the person sitting next to him what's going on.

"Well", he says, "everybody used ...

Greg wants to show his friend Max the golden toilet in the house he cleans in.

Greg cleans a big luxury house every week, the owner of the house is Mustafa. In the house the owner has a golden toilet and Greg thought it looked really luxurious and decided to show it to his friend Max. One day they go over to the house and ring the doorbell. Mustafa's wife comes to the door and...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

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Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg

So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.

A classic riddle

An explorer is on an adventure, and gets to two doors. Each door is blocked by a guard. The guard in the right says “One of us is honest, and the other one is a *liar.*” The guard on the left says “Goddamnit Greg I said I was sorry.”

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

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Greg goes to get a physical

During his physical, the doctor asked his patient (Greg) about his daily activity level.

Greg responded: '"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down...

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg.

Or Ian.

Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.

About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing

Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."

Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

Steve always thought Greg's wife was hot.

Steve: How about me and you do a little wife-swapping?

Greg: Steve, you're not married.

Steve: C'mon man, I'll get you back later.

Everyone was tired of hearing Greg complain about his car troubles

It was always a Saab story

Baseball in heaven.

Two senior baseball fans John and Greg always wondered if the game of baseball existed in heaven.

So they made a pact. “Whoever out of us two die first HAS to come back to earth to confirm wether there is baseball in heaven.”

Unfortunately John passes away a week later, and true to h...

My buddy Greg just lost both his arms...

He used to be such a cheery guy, so full of life ,but he hasn't laughed or smiled once at any of my jokes since his accident...

He doesn't have a single humerus bone in his body.

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A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

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Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

Greg was so hungry he ate a frozen steak.

He hadn't really thawed it out.

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

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Greg gets home from work...

Greg gets home from work, he is annoyed and exhausted because his boss was on his ass all day.

As Greg enters his house he says "honey I’m home" his longtime girlfriend, Betty, walks up to him with her arms crossed and she says "I’m really mad at you".
Greg collapses in a chair and respon...

Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..

Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids and I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...

Husband: not much, what's up with you?

Boss tells his crew he's leaving early

Boss: "Hey guys, I'm leaving early, you can handle it while I'm gone." The boss leaves and after a little bit, one of the workers, Greg, turns to another and says "Hey, let's all leave too. Nobody will know let's just do it." So they all leave and Greg goes home and to his surprise hears some noise...

A Welsh policeman heard a commotion at a nearby farm and went to investigate.

He walked into the barn to see the farmer making love to a sheep.

"Bloody hell, Farmer Greg! Don'tcha know that's wrong?"

The farmer looked up at the policeman and said, "If loving ewe is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

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Job Application

Apparently this is an actual job application submitted by a 17 year old boy at a McDonald's establishment in Florida...

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's avai...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

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Two cannibals are walking on a beach...

..where they find a washed up body. They are excited about finding dinner, but they don’t have any knives with them to cut it up to share.


“I know” said Greg, “I will eat from the head, you will eat from the feet. When we meet in the middle we will have had half each.”


“Great p...

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Meta: Reverse Punchline Challenge

Hey /r/Jokes, I thought it might be interesting to see just how good we are at actually making jokes from unfunny situations. As such, I thought a good challenge might be to provide a few randomly thought up punchlines that *you* the subreddit construct the lead-up/joke to. Highest rated comment wou...

Two fish in a tank

Fish 1: uh, Greg?


Fish 2: what


Fish 1: how do we drive this thing

Bridge to Hawaii

Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.


Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so tha...

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The Harley Davidson (NSFW)

There's this man, let's call him Greg, who has wanted a 1979 Harley Davidson Ironhead 1000 Kickstart his whole life. (It's rare, about 160 made.) After getting engaged to the love of his life, he decides to find one. After some searching, he finds one for only $500. Immediately, he calls the owner ...

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Three guys are lost in a forest......

......and they get captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came b...

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Honesty is the best policy.

Bob is being interviewed for a job and Greg notices that the reason for his previous job's termination was honesty. Greg says "well I don't think that is a very good reason to be fired." Bob replies "I don't really give a shit what you think."

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

Difference between Democrats and Republicans

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replie...

Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. H...

Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

and the bartender gets excited. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Greg?"

What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows


Yeah, I know it's old....

Invention of the knife

"What is that?"

I call it the 'knife'.

"Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"

Greg, I am about to blow your mind.

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Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

A good one for parties

So Steve, Greg, and I (put friends names in of course) were walking down a dirt road when we saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. We are all thinking the same thing so I go and have my way with it and they turn their backs. After I am done Steve goes and has his way with it, while Greg and ...

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European

Its geography day in Mr. Andrew's first grade class. Each student has to stand up and answer questions in front of their peers. Mr. Andrews, who has a very thick southern accent, addresses the first student.

"Beth, would you a-stand up and answer this a-question: what's the a-capital of a-Ru...

Everyone always wonders why I call my friend Gregory, "Y"...

Everyone always wonders why I call my friend Gregory, "Y" ...

Well, his name is Greg-or-y... so I chose "Y."

Three men are in the desert when their jeep breaks down...

They decided to split up to find some help. One of the lads, Jack, says "I'm taking the radiator since it has water in it." Another, Mike, says "I'll take a hub cap, for shade." They see their third friend, Greg, taking the door off. "What in the hell are you doing, Greg?" "Well if it gets too hot, ...

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