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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

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Greg goes to get a physical

During his physical, the doctor asked his patient (Greg) about his daily activity level.

Greg responded: '"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down...

Steve always thought Greg's wife was hot.

Steve: How about me and you do a little wife-swapping?

Greg: Steve, you're not married.

Steve: C'mon man, I'll get you back later.

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Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

2 cannibals Greg and Alan

Greg and Alan start eating their fresh kill, Greg starts at the head and Alan starts at the feet.

About 15 minutes into dinner Greg, eating the head still, asks the Alan how he is doing

Alan replies "I'm having a ball Greg."

Greg says "slow down your eating too fast."

Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home

"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.

Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg.

Or Ian.

My buddy Greg just lost both his arms...

He used to be such a cheery guy, so full of life ,but he hasn't laughed or smiled once at any of my jokes since his accident...

He doesn't have a single humerus bone in his body.

Greg was so hungry he ate a frozen steak.

He hadn't really thawed it out.

What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows


Yeah, I know it's old....

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NSFW There's a rumor going around...

... that there's a gay guy in my baseball team.

I really hope it's Greg, I've been wanting to suck his dick all season.

Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..

Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids and I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...

Husband: not much, what's up with you?

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Greg gets home from work...

Greg gets home from work, he is annoyed and exhausted because his boss was on his ass all day.

As Greg enters his house he says "honey I’m home" his longtime girlfriend, Betty, walks up to him with her arms crossed and she says "I’m really mad at you".
Greg collapses in a chair and respon...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

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A guys car breaks down in front of a Monestarey

This is hands down my favorite joke of all time but it's long so hold on to something.


A guys car breaks down, but fortunately it breaks down right in front of a Monestarey. He trudges through the snow to knock on the door and one of the monks answers.
Monk: "Hello my child, how may ...

A Welsh policeman heard a commotion at a nearby farm and went to investigate.

He walked into the barn to see the farmer making love to a sheep.

"Bloody hell, Farmer Greg! Don'tcha know that's wrong?"

The farmer looked up at the policeman and said, "If loving ewe is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

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Two cannibals are walking on a beach...

..where they find a washed up body. They are excited about finding dinner, but they don’t have any knives with them to cut it up to share.


“I know” said Greg, “I will eat from the head, you will eat from the feet. When we meet in the middle we will have had half each.”


“Great p...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

Boss tells his crew he's leaving early

Boss: "Hey guys, I'm leaving early, you can handle it while I'm gone." The boss leaves and after a little bit, one of the workers, Greg, turns to another and says "Hey, let's all leave too. Nobody will know let's just do it." So they all leave and Greg goes home and to his surprise hears some noise...

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Job Application

Apparently this is an actual job application submitted by a 17 year old boy at a McDonald's establishment in Florida...

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's avai...

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Potentiality Vs Reality

Little Greg goes up to his dad one night and says "Dad, I've got homework I need help with. Its about the difference between potentiality and reality but I don't understand. Can you help me?"

"Sure can, son. Go ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $1 million."

"Dad!" ...

Two fish in a tank

Fish 1: uh, Greg?


Fish 2: what


Fish 1: how do we drive this thing

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Meta: Reverse Punchline Challenge

Hey /r/Jokes, I thought it might be interesting to see just how good we are at actually making jokes from unfunny situations. As such, I thought a good challenge might be to provide a few randomly thought up punchlines that *you* the subreddit construct the lead-up/joke to. Highest rated comment wou...

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The Harley Davidson (NSFW)

There's this man, let's call him Greg, who has wanted a 1979 Harley Davidson Ironhead 1000 Kickstart his whole life. (It's rare, about 160 made.) After getting engaged to the love of his life, he decides to find one. After some searching, he finds one for only $500. Immediately, he calls the owner ...

Bridge to Hawaii

Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.


Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so tha...

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

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Honesty is the best policy.

Bob is being interviewed for a job and Greg notices that the reason for his previous job's termination was honesty. Greg says "well I don't think that is a very good reason to be fired." Bob replies "I don't really give a shit what you think."

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2 old men...

2 old, Greg and Patrick, are gambling at the casino. Having exhausted all but $2 of their cash, they decided to try their luck at the roulette table.
not knowing which numbers to pick, Greg says "How many times did you have sex with your wife this week?"
"7, how bout you?" says Patrick.
"10...

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Why was there semen on the clean laundry?

When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"

Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. H...

Invention of the knife

"What is that?"

I call it the 'knife'.

"Wow, that's the best thing since bread!"

Greg, I am about to blow your mind.

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

and the bartender gets excited. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Greg?"

European

Its geography day in Mr. Andrew's first grade class. Each student has to stand up and answer questions in front of their peers. Mr. Andrews, who has a very thick southern accent, addresses the first student.

"Beth, would you a-stand up and answer this a-question: what's the a-capital of a-Ru...

A good one for parties

So Steve, Greg, and I (put friends names in of course) were walking down a dirt road when we saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. We are all thinking the same thing so I go and have my way with it and they turn their backs. After I am done Steve goes and has his way with it, while Greg and ...

Everyone always wonders why I call my friend Gregory, "Y"...

Everyone always wonders why I call my friend Gregory, "Y" ...

Well, his name is Greg-or-y... so I chose "Y."

Three men are in the desert when their jeep breaks down...

They decided to split up to find some help. One of the lads, Jack, says "I'm taking the radiator since it has water in it." Another, Mike, says "I'll take a hub cap, for shade." They see their third friend, Greg, taking the door off. "What in the hell are you doing, Greg?" "Well if it gets too hot, ...