What did the little Mexican call his little tool that he uses to cut up his little pizza?

Little caesars.

Why did the Tumblr user get cut up on Halloween?

She identified as pump-kin.

I cried when I cut up onions...

Onions was a good dog.

Whats the difference between onions and girls?

I cry when I cut up onions.

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorites

So three men crash land on an island in the middle of the ocean. They are soon captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader tells each man to go find ten of a fruit and come back to the village. Each man, not wanting to be eaten, goes and gets the fruit.

The first man comes back with kiwis. T...

Did you know Anakin Skywalker was Jewish?

You can tell because he cut up his force kin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

Damn FBI, at it again.

One morning, Bill is awakened by forceful banging on his door. It was the FBI demanding to know where he kept his wood pile. So, he leads them around behind the house and watches as they knock down every last bit of his neatly stacked pile without saying a word. Then, they grab an ax and start bus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(My grandfather told me this) Two solider

Two solider just walking on the street. They are very hungry and nothing to eat. They saw a dead body with a big belly. They say he must have eaten something. They argue a lot and finally decide to cut up his belly with a knife. Its full of delicious pasta. One of the solider starts to eat it while ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though,...

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy.

The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.