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Damage Jokes

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.
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Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...
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My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...
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An 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with no memory and brain damage.

The doctor asked him a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”

“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”

the old grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more...
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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.
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What do masturbation and brain damage have in common?

After a few strokes it’s all over!

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
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If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do
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What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.
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What is it called when a alligator has brain damage?

A reptile disfunction
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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."
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My therapist told me that I tend to persue damaged people, and then try to help them.

To which I responded, “You too”….

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
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Experts say making a child do chores can do damage.

But if you can afford a few broken dishes put the little buggers to work! It will do them good!

COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.
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The liver is the only organ that can regrow if damaged....

I'll drink to that.
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What do you call hearing damage you can't fix?

Ear-reversible
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A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
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COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
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"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".
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Farther is for physical damage

Further is for psychological damage...




And father is for emotional damage
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Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

My county has just been under a tornado warning. As a redditor, I am excited thinking about the possible damage to my fence.

I could have so much reposting to do!
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You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?

Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.

Because then he'll get a better taste in music.
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After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...
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Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless
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A guy exploded himself after asking me what damage could explosives do

All i said is "c4 yourself"
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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...
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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

A man had a terrible accident and badly damaged his jaw. The surgeons use part of the man's leg to build a new jaw bone, after hours of surgery and weeks of therapy he makes a full recovery but

He now talks with a limp
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If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...
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George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper
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LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun
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A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.

He says, “well, good thing it wasn’t a $2 store”
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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

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If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
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Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.
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My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".
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"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,"

exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving."

I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"

I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.

She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes
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Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...
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What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon
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I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.
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Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally
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For PC games, the harder you click the more damage you do.

I need to replace my mouse.
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What is Two Face's favorite type of vehicular damage?

An R.V. dent.
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Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
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A blonde gets her car damaged in a hail storm

It's a mess. looks basically like a golf ball--dents everywhere. So she takes it to a body shop, and the technician sees she's blonde and decides to have some fun. He tells her that the fix is simple, that as soon as the tailpipe is cool, to blow into it and all the dents will just pop right out.<...
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By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me
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A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

Someone asked me what the word for inflicting pain or causing a lot of damage is. I said I couldn't tell them.

Because violence is never the answer
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An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago

What's one more pot hole?
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If I threw your mother under the bus, which one would take the most damage?

The ground.
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Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...

his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".
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I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

My freind got in a car crash, I visited him at the hospital today and asked him how he's doing, he said "I'm doing good, and there's only minor damage"

I responded "that's good" and he chuckled, he said "only the children died"
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I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.

The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".
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A nun sits outside a pub in Ireland...

A man walks up to the pub and is about to go into it when the nun starts shouting. "BEFORE YOU ENTER THIS DEN OF SIN, THINK OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!"

He said back to the nun. "They're dead, they're dead and in heaven"

The nun went for a different tack and said. "Think then! Th...
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The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage…

management.
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I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
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Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”


Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”


Woman: “Oh thank God!”


Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.


Woman: “Oh no!”
...
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A tree fell on our car during the recent Hurricane, and my dad won't get it repaired. He even named the damage.

Harvey Dent
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What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?

Hail, Hitler!

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....
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Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.
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There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...
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A captain and his surviving crew made it to land after their ship was damaged.

They fortunately found a small city near the coast, but it was nighttime and the crew of twelve needed a dry place to sleep before they could try to salvage what was left of the ship. Unfortunately the inn was full, so they decided to go from house to house asking for quarter.

Most homes said...

What did little Paul Bunyan say when his mom asked him how he damaged his favorite toy?

It was an ax-I-dent.
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I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"
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Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.
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A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...
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They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle
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When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...
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A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.
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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

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