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Damage Jokes

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

"Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car."

-"... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?"

-"In the lake."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common?

After a few strokes it’s all over!

A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.

He says, “well, good thing it wasn’t a $2 store”

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

My county has just been under a tornado warning. As a redditor, I am excited thinking about the possible damage to my fence.

I could have so much reposting to do!

What is it called when a alligator has brain damage?

A reptile disfunction

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

An 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with no memory and brain damage.

The doctor asked him a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”

“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”

the old grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more...

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts say making a child do chores can do damage.

But if you can afford a few broken dishes put the little buggers to work! It will do them good!

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

What do you call a fish that provides woodland services, primarily pruning and treatments to preserve old or damaged trees.

A tree sturgeon

You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?

Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.

Because then he'll get a better taste in music.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

What do you call hearing damage you can't fix?

Ear-reversible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

The liver is the only organ that can regrow if damaged....

I'll drink to that.

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

A guy exploded himself after asking me what damage could explosives do

All i said is "c4 yourself"

By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

If I threw your mother under the bus, which one would take the most damage?

The ground.

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

For PC games, the harder you click the more damage you do.

I need to replace my mouse.

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

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