“Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm”.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

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I don't know why I offended the Asian man wearing a damaged bulletproof vest...

...all I said was "There's a chink in the armour."

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What if I was to kill 2 men with a ladder?

Would I be causing co-ladder-al damage?

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Embarrassing Fart Story

Here’s one that a lot of y’all can probably relate to. I’m probably gonna add more to it at some point.

.......

One day in third grade we were all sitting on the carpet listening to our teacher read something. My stomach hadn’t been too kind to me that day. .......


You know...

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“Y...

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

For PC games, the harder you click the more damage you do.

I need to replace my mouse.

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

What is it called when starvation causes brain damage?

A hungry hungry hippocampus!

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged

I was speechless

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

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What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?

Hail, Hitler!

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

A blonde gets her car damaged in a hail storm

It's a mess. looks basically like a golf ball--dents everywhere. So she takes it to a body shop, and the technician sees she's blonde and decides to have some fun. He tells her that the fix is simple, that as soon as the tailpipe is cool, to blow into it and all the dents will just pop right out.<...

They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle

Yesterday an aircraft hit my house.

When the officer asked about the damage everything seemed plane obvious to me.


I'm sorry.

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I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage…

management.

A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do ...

A motorcyclist is in an accident.

He wakes up in the hospital to find a doctor at his bedside.

"Oh good, you are awake" the doctor says. "Listen, you have been in a motorcycle accident. It was pretty severe."

"How severe?" the man asks.

"Well, to that end there is good news and bad news. Which would you prefer?...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see th...

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.

The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".

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Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

Inspired by a story of my dad and his sister

Two siblings were driving to school when they accidentally hit an old friend. No one was hurt and there were no damages to the car, and the friend was very nice about it, he just said to the sister, since she was driving, to tell their parents. The sister had never gotten in trouble before so she ...

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

What is Two Face's favorite type of vehicular damage?

An R.V. dent.

Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park a Car

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a ...

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.

This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at ...

Never hit a man with glasses

A stick or crowbar will do much more damage

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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

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It's actually ilegal to be over a certain weight in Japan...

Probably because last time a Fatman was In Japan it caused alot of damage

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"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,"

exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving."

I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"

A doctor and a lawyer get into a car crash...

Both cars are badly damaged, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. As the lawyer crawls out of her BMW, she sees that the other car is a Porsche. She says, "I see you're an affluent man, probably a doctor. I'm a lawyer... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are u...

Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...

his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

A tree fell on our car during the recent Hurricane, and my dad won't get it repaired. He even named the damage.

Harvey Dent

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

Little Johnny had an accident.

One day, while working on the family farm, Little Johnny fell and badly damaged his left eye. The doctors couldn’t save it, so it was removed.

His family didn’t have the money for a fancy prosthesis, so his dad whittled him a wooden eye, and carefully painted and lacquered it. From a distanc...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago

What's one more pot hole?

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g...

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The Hunting accident

While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin. Rushed to hospital , he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home, the surgeon ...

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How is masturbation and brain damage similar?

A few strokes and there's no going back.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

A little boy was in a bus eating candy, and he kept going at it until...

A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth?!"

The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 132 years."

The man asked ,
"Was it because he ate candy?"

The boy replied,
"No, he was always minding his own business!"

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was a...

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I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...

I was in a horrible accident a few years ago, and I suffered some brain damage and lost feeling to my whole left side.

I'm feeling all right now

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A man goes to a strip club with an alligator.

He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute...

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show qui...

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[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.

Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.

Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to ...

Your momma’s so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

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A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

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