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I told my wife to shave her pussy

and I woke up bald

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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When I was younger, I used to shave my testicles with a straight razor.

But now I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

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Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,




but never 0.

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A nurse goes into a room to shave a male patient before his appendectomy.

When she comes out of his room a few minutes later, she is on the verge of laughing hysterically. The other nurses ask her what she’s laughing about. She tells them that the patient has a tattoo on his penis that says “TiNY”. One by one each nurse goes in and comes back out giggling about the man’s ...

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard?

The barber.

Last night I shaved my head, and my wife has been rubbing my scalp all morning.

Tonight I'm shaving my crotch.

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It takes a lot of courage to shave using a cutthroat blade. I used to shave my privates using one.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

Don't shave your pubes to sing better

Hairy style will help you.

I hate having to shave over my adam’s apple.

it’s a real pain in the neck

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So my mate rubs his hands over my freshly shaved head and laughs "Feels just like my wife's arse!"

I rubbed my hands over my head and blinked in surprise. "You're right, it absolutely does."

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

I shaved the top half of my cat this morning.

He's been furloughed too.

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

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What do you call a policewoman that shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

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After NNN, I decided to first shave my pubes and then masturbate.

I was done beating around the bush.

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

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What’s the difference between shaved and unshaved oral sex?

One is private and the other is pubelick.

My son calling me dad was my breaking point

I finally shaved my legs

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

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Christmas Supper

**Might of heard this one before**

A boy and his family prepare for a Christmas supper with his grandparents and a few of their friends.

The boy walks over to the kitchen and sees his mother carving the turkey.

She slices her finger open and yells "fuck".

The boy looks ...

Mom, what's the thing between your legs?

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on ...

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

A man walks into a barbershop and asks,

"Bob Peters in here?"

The barber responds, "Nope, just shaves and a haircut."

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During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

Knock Knock

Who’s there?
A moustache.
Moustache who?
I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

What did the one cow say to the one who forgot to shave?

Nice moostache.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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What does Melania Trump do after she shaves her pussy?

She powders his cheeks and sends him off to play golf!

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that...

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

An old man was shaving at his house

An 90 year old man was attempting to shave his beard at his house with a razor. His hands weren’t quite as steady as they used to be and his skin had gotten a bit wrinkly in his old age. Consequently, the old man was constantly cutting himself while shaving. One day he decided to go to the barbersh...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

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With toilet paper so scarce lately...

it's gone from "shit, shower and shave" to "shit, shower and save"

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

An old proverb

Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him.

"What do you want?" Benny asks.

"Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get married or you'll be turned into a vase."

Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what ...

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I remember being told that every time you shave it off,it grows back thicker.

I can't wait to see my new cock.

What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard's neckbeard?

M'stache

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

Old man gets a shave at the barber

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his chee...

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

How does Sean Connery Shave?

Control esh.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

What do you call the Incredible Hulk when he hasn’t shaved in a few days?

Mark Scruffalo

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

Emo Friend Is Bad At Shaving

My emo friend is really bad at shaving.
Whenever he shaves, it always cuts his skin.


I don't know why he shaves his wrists though.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp

What do you call it when a person shaves their head bald to blend in with cancer patients?...

Chemoflage

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

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