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Shave Jokes

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

How does a redhead shave their pubic hair?

Very gingerly.

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

A guy went to a barber’s shop for a shave...

The barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.


He asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”


He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

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I always shave my beard after having

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

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My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my , you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the drain is clogged again. "

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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[] REAL MEN shave with straight razors......



....Other razors are for pussies



OK, I'll show myself out.

What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard's neckbeard?

M'stache

Why did the hipster shave off his beard?

To keep cool during the summer…

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If a man shaves his , is he gay?

During meditation, a monk asks his master:
"Master, If a man shaves his , is he gay?"

His master thought for a moment and replied in very philosophical tones:

"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor!"

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum. "The client plac...

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

How does the moon shave?

Eclipse it.

(He clips it)

why does the helicopter shave every day

He grows apache beard

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

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I put in maximum effort when I shave my pubic region.

I really put my balls to the Wahl.

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

My daughter just said," I hope you're going to shave off that mustache before the holiday, it's embarrassing."

I was shocked, as that's the bravest thing anyone has ever said........ TO MY WIFE!!!!.

What do you call a ceramic artist in need of a shave?

Hairy Potter.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

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What do you call it when you tease a women who doesn’t shave?

Beating around the bush.

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

I forgot to shave my sundial yesterday...

..hence the five o'clock shadow

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

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My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my ...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day?

A barber.

Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

Old cowboy comes into the barber shop for a shave.

Tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age the sun and wind, I haven’t had a close clean shave in years.”

Barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “stick this in your cheek like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wr...

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I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

Shaving

I finally shaved my legs and donated the hair to locks of love.....

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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The Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving nowdays.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.
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