UPJOKE
cuttrimtonsurerazorpruneshavinghaircarveshearplanegroomhaircutknock offcut upreduce

Shave Jokes

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

How does a redhead shave their pubic hair?

Very gingerly.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

A guy went to a barber’s shop for a shave...

The barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.


He asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”


He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] REAL MEN shave with straight razors......



....Other razors are for pussies



OK, I'll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard's neckbeard?

M'stache

Why did the hipster shave off his beard?

To keep cool during the summer…

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum. "The client plac...

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

How does the moon shave?

Eclipse it.

(He clips it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?

During meditation, a monk asks his master:
"Master, If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"

His master thought for a moment and replied in very philosophical tones:

"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor!"

why does the helicopter shave every day

He grows apache beard

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put in maximum effort when I shave my pubic region.

I really put my balls to the Wahl.

My daughter just said," I hope you're going to shave off that mustache before the holiday, it's embarrassing."

I was shocked, as that's the bravest thing anyone has ever said........ TO MY WIFE!!!!.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

What do you call a ceramic artist in need of a shave?

Hairy Potter.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the conspiracy theorist chick shave her pussy?

Because Bush did 9/11

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

I forgot to shave my sundial yesterday...

..hence the five o'clock shadow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you sexually tease a women who doesn’t shave?

Beating around the bush.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day?

A barber.

Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

Old cowboy comes into the barber shop for a shave.

Tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age the sun and wind, I haven’t had a close clean shave in years.”

Barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “stick this in your cheek like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife doesn't like me to shave my face for the same reason I like her to shave her pussy

She says it makes me look like a 12 year old.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

Shaving

I finally shaved my legs and donated the hair to locks of love.....

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

Shaved for the first time in a while.

Feels like I'm jacking off a new man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female police officer who doesn't shave?

Cunt stubble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to shave her cunt.

I woke up the next morning bald.

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Melania Trump do after she shaves her pussy?

She powders his cheeks and sends him off to play golf!

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

Do You Shave?

An older Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,




but never 0.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a police woman who shaves her crotch?

Cunt-stubble

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse goes into a room to shave a male patient before his appendectomy.

When she comes out of his room a few minutes later, she is on the verge of laughing hysterically. The other nurses ask her what she’s laughing about. She tells them that the patient has a tattoo on his penis that says “TiNY”. One by one each nurse goes in and comes back out giggling about the man’s ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After NNN, I decided to first shave my pubes and then masturbate.

I was done beating around the bush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a policewoman called who shaves her lady bits?

Cuntstubble I guess

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.