An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

An old man goes for a shave.

An old man goes to the barber for a shave. He says to the barber, "Please be careful, because of my wrinkles, I haven't been able to get a smooth shave in ten years."

The barber says, "No problem, I kjow just how to help you out!" He hands him a gholfball and tells him to pop it in his mouth...

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

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My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

Shaving

I finally shaved my legs and donated the hair to locks of love.....

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

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I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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Sex & Good Grammar NSFW

**On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.** **The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who** **was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medic...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard?

The barber.

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A nurse goes into a room to shave a male patient before his appendectomy.

When she comes out of his room a few minutes later, she is on the verge of laughing hysterically. The other nurses ask her what she’s laughing about. She tells them that the patient has a tattoo on his penis that says “TiNY”. One by one each nurse goes in and comes back out giggling about the man’s ...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

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It takes a lot of courage to shave using a cutthroat blade. I used to shave my privates using one.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

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Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,




but never 0.

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

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A married man was having an extra-marital affair

One day when he was visiting his girlfriend,when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied,“My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gir...

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What do you call a policewoman that shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

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A joke a work colleague told me the other day

A man is waiting for a bus on a rainy day and decides to seek some shelter. He noticed an open doorway next to the bus stop and decides to go in.

When he gets in he sees three doors with signs next to them, they read: brunette, redhead and blonde. The man likes redheads so he enters that door...

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

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So my mate rubs his hands over my freshly shaved head and laughs "Feels just like my wife's arse!"

I rubbed my hands over my head and blinked in surprise. "You're right, it absolutely does."

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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked

Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin

What did 007 say about the Queens legs

God Shave the Queen

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After NNN, I decided to first shave my pubes and then masturbate.

I was done beating around the bush.

Last night I shaved my head, and my wife has been rubbing my scalp all morning.

Tonight I'm shaving my crotch.

Gentlemen walking down the street stops by the barber shop

He opens the door, sticks his head in and says, "Bob Peters here?"

Barber says, "Nope, we just do shaves and haircuts."

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

I shaved the top half of my cat this morning.

He's been furloughed too.

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

Why did the american indian shave every other day?

'Cause he has Apache beard.

Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

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I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

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During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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A Married Woman Tries to Spice Up Her Sex Life

Woman: Hey baby, I just shaved my Pussy. Do you know what that means?...........
Man: Yes, the fucking shower drain is clogged again.

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The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

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What’s the difference between shaved and unshaved oral sex?

One is private and the other is pubelick.

Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin repl...

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

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What does Melania Trump do after she shaves her pussy?

She powders his cheeks and sends him off to play golf!

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

What did the one cow say to the one who forgot to shave?

Nice moostache.

A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that...

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

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I remember being told that every time you shave it off,it grows back thicker.

I can't wait to see my new cock.

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him.

The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."

The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a ministe...

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

How does Sean Connery Shave?

Control esh.

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

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