The 84+ Best Shave Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] REAL MEN shave with straight razors......

....Other razors are for pussies

OK, I'll show myself out.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put in maximum effort when I shave my pubic region.

I really put my balls to the Wahl.

What do you call a ceramic artist in need of a shave?

Hairy Potter.

A guy went to a barber’s shop for a shave...

The barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.

He asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you sexually tease a women who doesn’t shave?

Beating around the bush.

why does the helicopter shave every day

He grows apache beard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the conspiracy theorist chick shave her pussy?

Because Bush did 9/11

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The...

How does the moon shave?

Eclipse it.

(He clips it)

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man ask Confucius: If a man shaves his asshole, is he gay?

Confucius say: Man who cleans house expects a visitor.

Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum. "The client plac...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

I forgot to shave my sundial yesterday...

..hence the five o'clock shadow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another parrot joke.

A society woman receives a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

While in the bathroom getting ready for work I called out to my wife.

“Honey, when I shave in the morning I feel 20 years younger.”

Without missing a beat, she said “Maybe you should shave before we go to bed.”

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.

Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

70th birthday.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medi...

Shaved for the first time in a while.

Feels like I'm jacking off a new man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Old cowboy comes into the barber shop for a shave.

Tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age the sun and wind, I haven’t had a close clean shave in years.”

Barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “stick this in your cheek like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day?

A barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife to shave her pussy

and I woke up bald

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female police officer who doesn't shave?

Cunt stubble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a police woman who shaves her crotch?

Cunt-stubble

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse goes into a room to shave a male patient before his appendectomy.

When she comes out of his room a few minutes later, she is on the verge of laughing hysterically. The other nurses ask her what she’s laughing about. She tells them that the patient has a tattoo on his penis that says “TiNY”. One by one each nurse goes in and comes back out giggling about the man’s ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

Robocop lost his job on the Police force..

He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop

Shave now.. or there will be stubble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a policewoman called who shaves her lady bits?

Cuntstubble I guess

what are you doing after this?

A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."

As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge.

However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,

but never 0.

An older man sees a sign saying "Free Shaves! Closest you'll ever get!"

The old man walks into the barber shop and goes to the counter.

"Free shaves eh? And you claim that they are close? All these wrinkles make it impossible for me to get a close one."

The barber smiles and hands him a wooden ball, and guides him over to the barber chair.

"Put ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After NNN, I decided to first shave my pubes and then masturbate.

I was done beating around the bush.

Shaving

I finally shaved my legs and donated the hair to locks of love.....

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

A guy goes to the barber

How would you like your hair today?

Look, i want this side all but completely shaved, with this 2 spots here bald, this side, shorn, and in the middle do as you please.

I am sorry, but i think that would be too hard to do.

How did you do it last week then?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife doesn't like me to shave my face for the same reason I like her to shave her pussy

She says it makes me look like a 12 year old.

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

If women had beards....

They would shave them off and then draw them back on.

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.