Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

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When I was young, I was bold enough to shave my privates using a straight razor.

Nowadays, I no longer have the balls to do it.

I did a head shave for charity the other day.

Oh jeez was my wife mad when she woke up.

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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

I always remind my teenagers to shave their pubes

The last time we had a bush, 9/11 happened

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

Why did Scar shave Simba?

Heir removal.

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards?

They don’t want raze-a-barn

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

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What’s the difference between shaved and unshaved oral sex?

One is private and the other is pubelick.

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

How does Sean Connery shave?

ctrl+s

What did the one cow say to the one who forgot to shave?

Nice moostache.

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What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble.

A priest goes to get a haircut and a shave

A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber "how much do i owe you?"

The barber says "for a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge"

The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.

Later that day a buddhis...

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

I just saw a farmer shave a sheep in 1 second.

It was shear brilliance!

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During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied:
“A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

A guy walks into a salon for a shave.

The barber hands him a rubber ball to hold between his jaws while he smoothly shaves around his jawline.
Guy: thats a neat idea! but what if I accidentally swallow this ball?


Barber without raising an eyebrow: "Just bring it back tomorrow."

What do you call the Incredible Hulk when he hasn’t shaved in a few days?

Mark Scruffalo

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

A man goes into a barbershop for a shave and a hair cut.

The man sits down and the barber lathers him up for his shave. The barber hands the man a little wooden ball and says “Put this in your cheek so it’s stretches the skin.” The man chuckles and asks “What happens if I swallow it?” To which the barber replies “Just bring it back tomorrow. At least that...

-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

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What does Melania Trump do after she shaves her pussy?

She powders his cheeks and sends him off to play golf!

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

When I picked up my date I explained how I had shaved off my entire beard for her.

Then I looked at her and asked why she hadn’t done the same for me

A Close Shave

An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber, “I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?”

The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, “Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I’m shaving. It will stretch ...

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard's neckbeard?

M'stache

An old man was shaving at his house

An 90 year old man was attempting to shave his beard at his house with a razor. His hands weren’t quite as steady as they used to be and his skin had gotten a bit wrinkly in his old age. Consequently, the old man was constantly cutting himself while shaving. One day he decided to go to the barbersh...

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Thighs or breasts? NSFW

I was asked if I was a thighs or a breast man but I was neither, so I said I’m more a shaved pussy guy. Now I’m banned from KFC

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

This guy walks into a barber shop

This guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.

\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.

The guy conforms and he gets the f...

How did the farmer manage to shave 100 sheep in one hour?

Shear effort

Why did Gillette hire a PR firm?

They were trying to shave face.

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I remember being told that every time you shave it off,it grows back thicker.

I can't wait to see my new cock.

What do you call a man who shaves 15 times a day?

A barber

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

"Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

When I shaved my beard, my wife was happy, she said it made me look younger.

When I suggested she shaved hers to make her look younger she was not happy.

Old man gets a shave at the barber

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his chee...

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber

What do you call it when a person shaves their head bald to blend in with cancer patients?...

Chemoflage

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My wife said she would have anal sex after she shaved her asshole.

I didn’t know she hated my beard that much.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

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I told my husband to shave because he looks like a rapist.

Now he looks like an undercover rapist.

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?

To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

Timing is everything...

Friday night, a friend of mine converted to Christianity and, like new Christians tend to be, he is very passionate about sharing the Good News. He has been studying tirelessly to “show himself approved”. He doesn’t want to become a pastor or anything because he believes God will use him in the line...

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how many shitty obnoxious youtubers does it take to change a lightbulb?

You won't find out, at least in the next 10 minutes ald 5 seconds but who cares when there's such a SICK DEAL at dollar shave club? Now SUBSCRIBE AND SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON!

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

As a guy, I used to shave my chest hair...

But now it’s starting to grow on me.

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.

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My wife doesn't like me to shave my face for the same reason I like her to shave her pussy

She says it makes me look like a 12 year old.

What do you call a blond policewoman who doesn't shave her pubes?

Hot fuzz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

Me and my wife always see to it that our mantelpieces are neatly trimmed..

...ever since we left Sean Connery to fend for himself in the raging forest fire. As we fled we could hear him screaming: "Oh good! Remember to shave your shelves!!"

I haven’t shaved in weeks and I’m starting to like how my beard looks.

It’s really growing on me!

I was in a building fire with Sean Connery...

I got third degree burns wondering why he told me shave my shelf...

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