What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

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Sex is alot like math. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs....

And pray you don't multiply...

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The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

A mathematician tried to divide his Reddit post by zero..

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I've never seen America this divided before...

People can't even agree on what year it is right now

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

Toughest subject for a biologist

Hands down it is maths. When cells multiply, they get added up with additional cells; but to understand that, you need to know how cells divide.

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

What did one leg say to the other?

United we stand, divided we're screwed

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What do you get when you divide a quarterback by five?

Nickleback

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?


"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of...

How do you divide the Roman empire in two?

With a pair of Ceasars

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

How do you divide by Zero?

By becoming a kamikaze and splitting a ship in half

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

I propose we divide the music of 2010s into two distinct eras, centered around the release of "White Iverson" in 2015.

We could call it Pre- and Post Malone

Mental Hospital

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered,...

All of my girlfriends can be divided up like numbers. You mean like sixes, eights and tens?

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

A house divided . . .

Is a duplex

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed?

Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.

Why were the numbers sad

Because they had to divide

Teacher: why did you divide sin by tan?

Student: just cos

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

Wanna know what really divides people?

knives

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

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a joke that i have been told by one of my friends(long)

im not a native speaker, but i will do my best

A woman has three daughters, 13, 14 and 15 years old

One day while she was cooking they come to the kitchen and say "mom can you give us a bit of money, we were studying all day" the mom says yes, and gives each one of them 20 dollars.
...

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What's the opposite for Manchester United?

Women's breasts are divided.

What do you call it when someone starts acting like an angry center divider?

They're in mean median mode.

I went to the grocery store to buy the grocery divider

But every time it reaches the end the lady puts it back.

What do you get when you divide 3.14 by 6?

6 slices of pi

I would hate to do a math joke on reddit

It would divide us

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What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)?

You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

0 said to 8, "Divide by me."

8 said, "Nah. I'd rather lie down instead."

They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

How do you divide old Rome?

Using a pair of Caesars.

What is 5 divided by 5?

Communism

Why did the Indian programmer divide by zero?

To get NaN.

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

What do you call the divide between people who enjoy seeing others in pain and people who enjoy being in pain?

Sadomasoschism

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

People are so divided in this country these days. I don't think either side really realizes that until we all come together, despite our differences; until we all tolerate each other and become one....

We'll NEVER get rid of all the immigrants and Muslims.

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To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday?

His buttcheeks.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

I was gonna tell you a joke about a divided highway...

but people are pretty split on it. Some take it one way, and others take it a different way.

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

Did you know?

It would be a sin to divide the opposite by the hypotenuse.

Why don’t communists go to school?

Because the classes are divided

I asked my German friend if he knew what 649,935 divided by 65 was.

The first couple dozen times he wouldn't answer, but when he got it, he was really excited to say it.

I told a mitosis joke in school once

I thought it was hilarious, but the class was divided.

Guy #1 I've never been good at counting cows.

Guy #2: Let me count .... hmmm .... 1341.

Guy #1: Wow! That is impressive. How did you do that?

Guy #2: Easy. I just count the legs and divide by 4.

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up. The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.

The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and s...

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Various law enforcement agencies have a fugitive tracking competition. A forest is divided by high fences into 100-acre sections, a squirrel is released into each one, and the game begins.

The CIA fill their section with animal agents all wearing wires. After three months with no leads, they announce that the squirrel never really existed.

The FBI works for a month and gets no leads. They burn down the forest, positively ID the squirrel remains, and announce at a press conferen...

Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught.

They each got six months.

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