UPJOKE
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Divide Jokes

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

What did the bacteria say when it successfully divided?

Fission accomplished!

What's 69 divided by 2?

Lonely

Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

How did the Titan CEO and his wife divide up their house chores? She walked the dog...

He fed the fish

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

What do you get when you divide bread by zero?

NaaN

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We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community...

We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community, and that traditionally most of the glamour goes to the entomologists who study the butterflies, because they're so pretty and colorful, rather than the brown and grey moths. So for 364 days a year, the butterflyers get all the glory. ...

How do you find a velociraptor ?

You divide the distanceraptor by the timeraptor

I divided two types of the LGBTQ into two sections...

There was the trans-section, and the bi-section.

Manchester United.

Womens chests are divided.

What's the circumference of a hug divided by the diameter of a hug?

Grapple Pi.

How do you divide by Zero?

By becoming a kamikaze and splitting a ship in half

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.

Papaya

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Sex is like math

You add the bed, subtract the clothes, and divide the legs — then hope you don't multiply.

I want to buy one of those grocery store dividers

but the cashier keeps taking it off the moving belt and putting it back on the rack.

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

A mathematician tried to divide his Reddit post by zero..

[undefined text]

How do you divide old Rome?

Using a pair of Caesars.

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

I've never seen America this divided before...

People can't even agree on what year it is right now

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

How do you divide the Roman empire in two?

With a pair of Ceasars

What do you get when you divide a quarterback by five?

Nickleback

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The teacher asked the hottest girl in my math class to divide 13,939,393,938 by 2.

The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

A house divided . . .

Is a duplex

0 said to 8, "Divide by me."

8 said, "Nah. I'd rather lie down instead."

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What is 5 divided by 5?

Communism

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

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What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)?

You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

I went to the grocery store to buy the grocery divider

But every time it reaches the end the lady puts it back.

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition...

I was gonna tell you a joke about a divided highway...

but people are pretty split on it. Some take it one way, and others take it a different way.

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

I propose we divide the music of 2010s into two distinct eras, centered around the release of "White Iverson" in 2015.

We could call it Pre- and Post Malone

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

All of my girlfriends can be divided up like numbers. You mean like sixes, eights and tens?

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

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To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday?

His buttcheeks.

Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught.

They each got six months.

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.



After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

A mathematician's son asks him:" dad, what is an orgy?"

The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

Two statistician buddies went duck hunting.

One of them took aim and fired, missing the duck by three inches to the left. The other statistician took his turn and missed the duck by three inches to the right.

After arguing for a while about who missed, they decided to put their heads together to solve the problem. Suddenly, one of them...

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