UPJOKE

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Pumpkin π

Sorry.

Sorry.

Fission accomplished!

Lonely

Just cos.

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One turd

And now we have a virus.

He fed the fish

Pumpkin pi

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

NaaN

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We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community, and that traditionally most of the glamour goes to the entomologists who study the butterflies, because they're so pretty and colorful, rather than the brown and grey moths. So for 364 days a year, the butterflyers get all the glory. ...

You divide the distanceraptor by the timeraptor

There was the trans-section, and the bi-section.

Womens chests are divided.

Grapple Pi.

By becoming a kamikaze and splitting a ship in half

Papaya

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You add the bed, subtract the clothes, and divide the legs — then hope you don't multiply.

but the cashier keeps taking it off the moving belt and putting it back on the rack.

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After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

[undefined text]

Using a pair of Caesars.

I picked the top half.

People can't even agree on what year it is right now

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Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

With a pair of Ceasars

Nickleback

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The student got to work, and as she did, her breathing became deeper and more rapid. A pink blush appeared on her cheeks and she clutched the pencil more tightly as she wrote. The class was stunned as we watched her begin to writhe in her seat. Soon she began to moan and mutter, "oh, my God!" Still,...

Is a duplex

8 said, "Nah. I'd rather lie down instead."

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

Credit: Charles Demers

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Communism

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

James: A Headache ma'am.

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"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,

>

>plus three times the square root of four,

>

>divided by seven,

>

>plus five times eleven,

>

>is nine squared and not a bit more."

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,

>

>plus three times the square root of four,

>

>divided by seven,

>

>plus five times eleven,

>

>is nine squared and not a bit more."

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

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You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

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“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

But house÷house = 1

But every time it reaches the end the lady puts it back.

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition...

but people are pretty split on it. Some take it one way, and others take it a different way.

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

We could call it Pre- and Post Malone

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

They were polarized!

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His buttcheeks.

They each got six months.

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.

After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

One of them took aim and fired, missing the duck by three inches to the left. The other statistician took his turn and missed the duck by three inches to the right.

After arguing for a while about who missed, they decided to put their heads together to solve the problem. Suddenly, one of them...

After arguing for a while about who missed, they decided to put their heads together to solve the problem. Suddenly, one of them...

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