What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

I tried to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers

but the cashier keeps putting it back

If you divide the current year by 5 you get an error

Error 404

What do you get when you divide a quarterback by five?

Nickleback

All of my girlfriends can be divided up like numbers. You mean like sixes, eights and tens?

No. Imaginary, irrational or both.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

I propose we divide the music of 2010s into two distinct eras, centered around the release of "White Iverson" in 2015.

We could call it Pre- and Post Malone

A house divided . . .

Is a duplex

How do you divide by Zero?

By becoming a kamikaze and splitting a ship in half

Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up. The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.

The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and s...

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3 Englishmen get stranded in the desert when they come across a camel and decide how to divide it up.

“I’ll have the chest of course” said the man from Manchester.

“I’ll be eating the liver” said the bloke from Liverpool.

“I’m not hungry” said the guy from Arsenal.

A math equation

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divide that by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and nothing else more.

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

I asked myself if I should go to a psychiatrist...

Opinions were divided

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Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Edit:This is my first post to get 50+ upvotes. Thank you all

Edit 2: Wow now it is 1k+ upvotes. Thank you very much

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well, says the director, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If...

A little old couple walked into a fast food restaurant.

The little old man walked up to the counter, ordered the food, paid, and took the tray back to the table where the little old lady sat. On the tray was a hamburger, a small bag of fries and a drink. Carefully the old man cut the hamburger in two, and divided the fries into two neat piles. He sipped ...

I went to the grocery store to buy the grocery divider

But every time it reaches the end the lady puts it back.

“We’ve divided the population as you’ve requested, Mr. President,” announced the assistant from the doorway, “so we’re just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.”

“Wipe the memory of groups 1-8,” replied the president, “leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.”

“Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?”

The presiden...

They say a house divided against itself cannot stand

But house÷house = 1

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

Wanna know what really divides people?

knives

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

You know what's odd?

Numbers that don't divide neatly into 2.

0 said to 8, "Divide by me."

8 said, "Nah. I'd rather lie down instead."

What do you get when you divide 3.14 by 6?

6 slices of pi

Why did the Indian programmer divide by zero?

To get NaN.

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.

The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".

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What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)?

You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

How do you divide old Rome?

Using a pair of Caesars.

Weebs doing a crossword puzzle

Person 1: Second person personal pronoun. 3 letters

Person 2: You

Person 1: Past participle of fall. 4 letters

Person 2: Fell

Person 1: Not the number, but the word. 3 letters

Person 2: For

Person 1: Horror movie that received a sequel in 2019. 2 letters
...

In a mental institution, a doctor comes to check if the pacients are cured.

The first one comes in and the doctor asks:

"Hello sir, what is the answer to 7 times 7?"

The patient thinks for a while and says:

"Red."

The doctor decides that the patient is not cured and calls another one.

"Hello, would you know the answer to 7 times 7?"
...

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"

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To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday?

His buttcheeks.

"I am a master at fast calculation"

"Calculate 753 time 165 divided by 21."

"18"

LOL, "thats incorrect"

"Might be, but it was fast."

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

People are so divided in this country these days. I don't think either side really realizes that until we all come together, despite our differences; until we all tolerate each other and become one....

We'll NEVER get rid of all the immigrants and Muslims.

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

Shallow sunday school

While my granddaughters Sunday School class, She was swimming in my pool. The teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said to the teacher, “Boyyy Mrs. Dennis, you sure are a good hooker.”

A Rabbi, Priest and a Monk

Are discussing how they will divide their respective churches funds with God.
The Monk draws a circle on the ground and says “I will throw all the money in the air and what lands inside the circle I will give to God and what lands outside my monastery will keep”.
The Priest said, “Great idea...

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the ext...

A husband and a wife go to a family court to get divorced

Judge: You’ve got three children, how do you intend to divide them?

After almost an hour of discussion the couple finally decided and said: we cannot obviously divide three equally amongst the two of us, so we’ll come next year after making another one.

The joke doesn’t end here folks ...

A man brags before his friend : "I'm very fast at calculus !"

So his friend, curious now, asks :

\- 72043 divided by 17 ?

The man immediately replies :

\- 6.

\- But... that's wrong!

\- Yep. But it's fast!

Want to hear a joke about math?

Nevermind, I don't want to divide the audience.

Two guys stole a calendar and divided it equally, but they got caught.

They each got six months.

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My sister and I were both in a biology class.

She sat to right of me, while the door was to the left of me. The professor asked “what is it called when one cell divides into two cells?”. No one answered, which meant he would call out on someone. My sister didn’t want to answer the question so she tried to squeeze her way to the exit through the...

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Various law enforcement agencies have a fugitive tracking competition. A forest is divided by high fences into 100-acre sections, a squirrel is released into each one, and the game begins.

The CIA fill their section with animal agents all wearing wires. After three months with no leads, they announce that the squirrel never really existed.

The FBI works for a month and gets no leads. They burn down the forest, positively ID the squirrel remains, and announce at a press conferen...

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

Whats the most politically divided animal?

The polar bear..

I'll see myself out...

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