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(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

I HATE cutting my nails.

Wife: Why?

Husband: Because then it takes even longer to file them.

Wife: I just put mine in a pile.

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

i started crying when dad was cutting onions...

onions was such a good dog.

What did the magician say after actually cutting his assistant in half?

Abra-cadaver

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

What do you call a potato cutting Friar?

A Chip Monk.

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One doctor was known as the fastest in the West. He would be done before the nerves sent pain signals. Someone challenged him to cut of a patients leg in 1 second. He sawed briskly but ended cutting off the patient's testicle.

He got the sack.

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

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Wife or Golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER notifying hi...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

I might have left it too long before cutting the grass

I keep getting attacked by small animals, and my dog won't listen to me until I show him 5 badges

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

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