I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

The best time to cry is when you're cutting onions.

Cuz everyone thinks it's just the onions.

What did the opera singer say when he was cutting down a tree?

Timbre!

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...

I guess he’s just trying to shave face

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

I thought about cutting down my sodium intake

But then I was like, Na.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I would prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

I cut my finger while cutting cheese

But I think I may have GRATER problems

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

People are always talking about cutting back on sugar. But I think sugar gives you super powers...

After 20 years of eating sugar I no longer feel pain, in my legs anyways.

I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting onion

The onion cried

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

What do you call a council of Emo's?

A cutting board.

You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school?

The one who won't shut up about it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ?

He saw too much

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household service...

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

As a cheesemonger, I spent a lot of time cutting cheese up in to little pieces.

It's grate.

We were eating dinner the other day when I noticed my brother was cutting his steak and stacking it up. I had to knock it over

The stakes were just too high...

Just rubbed my eyes after cutting some jalapeños

I have hella pain, yo.

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday

The neighbours clapped as I took a bough

I figured out the best way to not cry when cutting an onion.

Just don't form any sort of emotional bond with it.

Two guys are cutting down trees

Two guys are cutting down trees. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: "How many trees did you cut down?"
His friend says: "Around 20."
He can't believe so he asks: "How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"

"Well, it's nothing special. Yo...

A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg.

Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

I hurt my back while cutting down a tree.

Guess you could say I have lumber problems.

i was cutting boards at work...

i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs

Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

My wife told me I'm fantastic at cutting up cheese

I told her she's greater

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Curious child

There was family reunion one day and the mom and dad were preparing for it.

The kid went to the kitchen where his mom was cutting the turkey.

She accidentally cuts her finger and screamed "Fuck!"

Kid: what does "fuck" mean?

Mom: o-oh it means "cut" hah ha...

so ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.

This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at ...

A crackhead and a masochist are in a prison cell...

They both have life sentences for one reason or another and are pretty hopeless overall. One day the masochist chops his finger off and throws it out of the cell just because he is bored. Then a few minutes later he chops his arm up to the elbow and throws it out of the cell. He repeats this action ...

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

I've been cutting corners my whole life...

But now I am a well-rounded person, so it worked out pretty well.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nightmares of the war years

Man walks into the kitchen & finds his wife cutting potatoes into penis shapes. 

Man: Why you cutting potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dream about having penis shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Ma...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

A kitchen joke. Why was the cutting board?

The knife was really dull

Why were the garden shears so advanced ?

Because they used cutting-hedge technology

French Revolution Jokes.

Robespierre was killed in a *split* second.

I guess King Louis XVI failed to get *a-head* of his competition.

The guillotine was *cutting edge* technology at the time.

Execution was a form of capital *PUNishment.*

If only Robespierre was spelt like *Robespare*.

Wha...

An interesting title

Me [trying to keep the conversation going] : so, what do you do for a living??

Barber [slowly stops cutting my hair] : ....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a boy named Billy, whose parents were very kind and overprotective.

One night Billy heard them arguing. They called each other bitches and bastards. That morning Billy asked what those words meant and his parents replied, "Oh, uh, boys and girls!"

In the afternoon Billy went into the bathroom. His dad was shaving and cried "SHIT!" as he accidentally cut himse...

There once was a carpenter.

Ryever the carpenter was known for cutting corners. Instead of fitting wood, he would hold his furniture together with screws and glue.

Being so cheap and miserly, many people started calling him a 'Scrooge'.

Despite this, his furniture was known far and wide as being extremely high ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed...

Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED.

.

Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice.

....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

I bought a new weed-whacker today

It's cutting hedge technology

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and a Czech while on a trip are attacked by two bears, one male and one female.

The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They're having sex

Little Jhonny and his mama and papa lived in a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. Now with little Johnny being little the parents would send him out into the balcony whenever they wanted to get frisky, to make it seem routine they'd ask him what he saw when he was out. So one Saturday afternoon h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...