UPJOKE
slashshortentrimreduceundercutdecreasegashcut offabridgecut downshavelessenminifyslicethin

Cutting Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Did you hear about the guy cutting limbs off of fugitives??

He's been accused arboring criminals...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

Post Malone lost 60 lbs by cutting out pop.

I wonder what kind of music he'll make now.

Me, after accidentally cutting my hand open with a saw: Can you call me an ambulance?

Son: You’re an ambulance

Me: haha

Son: haha

Me: Ok I’m losing a fair bit of blood here, bud

I tried cutting wood by just looking at it, and it worked!

I saw it with my own two eyes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

Where does a tree surgeon go before cutting down a tree?

Triage

My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying.

Onions was a great dog.

My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...

I guess her mum didn't razor right

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

Cutting carbs

You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right.




I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

What do you call a potato cutting Friar?

A Chip Monk.

What did the magician say after actually cutting his assistant in half?

Abra-cadaver

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting

the branch of a tree hanging over a river ...
..., his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the...

Boys cutting through the yard

A group of boys are running back home after dark and decided to cut through the neighborhood's back yards to get home quicker. As the boys run along, one of them stops at a window and yells to the others.
"Guys, come here!"
The other boys run to their friend to see he is staring at a lady gett...

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

A balding, middle-aged man asked his barber, “Why charge me the full price for cutting my hair — there’s so little of it?”

“Well, “said the barber, “I actually only charge a little for cutting it. What you’re paying for is my searching for it.”

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

I'm cutting you off

You've been bungee jumping too much

A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.

It was an axe-ident.

I might have left it too long before cutting the grass

I keep getting attacked by small animals, and my dog won't listen to me until I show him 5 badges

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them

When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.

I hate cutting up peaches.

It's the pits.

a father told his two sons to cut some fire wood

A father told his two sons two cut some fire wood after they were done cutting the father told the youngest to go up the hill and ask the indian chief how cold the winter is gonna be, once the boy got there he said to the chief 'Chief how cold is the winter gonna be?' the chief turned to the boy and...

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

Did you hear about the axe that could cut trees instantly ?

It’s cutting hedge technology

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household service...

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.