If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

I started crying when dad was cutting onions

Onions was such a good dog

People always cry when cutting onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

Boys cutting through the yard

A group of boys are running back home after dark and decided to cut through the neighborhood's back yards to get home quicker. As the boys run along, one of them stops at a window and yells to the others.
"Guys, come here!"
The other boys run to their friend to see he is staring at a lady gett...

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.

It was an axe-ident.

I was getting my hair cut the other day...

...and the girl cutting my hair mentioned she had a degree in cosmology. So I asked her whether she thought the cosmic background radiation was the best evidence for the big bang. She said big bangs would not look good on me, and that's the moment when I noticed the diploma on the wall that said "...

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool

I guess it was due to shear laziness.

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contagious

Little Johnnie was going back to school after the covid lockdown. First day of school, teacher wanted to talk about how contagious Covid-19 is so she wanted to do a class participation with her students and they had to come up with an example of the word "contagious".

"Class, can anyone here ...

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There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

My dad is a magician. His greatest trick is cutting people in half.

I have three brothers and a half.

What do you get when you use the bathroom after cutting a jalapeño?

A red hot chili pecker.

Also: True Story.

A man was at an interview for a tree-cutting job...

And the interviewer asked if he had any past experience.

"Yes, I have a lot of experience," the man said, "I cut down all the trees in the Sahara Desert."

The interviewer replied, "But the Sahara Desert doesn't have any trees."

"Yes, not anymore."

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are people cutting bras in half to make face masks now

Some of them look like right tits.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber ther...

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

“That’s it, I’m cutting you off. You’re only getting water from now own,” the Bartender ordered.

Jesus rolled His eyes, “oh no,” He said sarcastically.

What's an alternative name for The Council of Emos?

The Cutting Board.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

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