What do you call a person that specializes in cutting trees?

Tim Burr.

I cried while cutting up an onion today...

...I think I was just reliving the time that onion molested me as a kid.

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions

I loved Onions
He was my favorite dog

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I would prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

I cut my finger while cutting cheese

But I think I may have GRATER problems

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

I thought about cutting down my sodium intake

But then I was like, Na.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

People are always talking about cutting back on sugar. But I think sugar gives you super powers...

After 20 years of eating sugar I no longer feel pain, in my legs anyways.

I was cutting up a homemade pizza and exclaimed "wow, this cheese is stringy"

My four year old daughter's reply

"Stringier than a yo-yo"

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ?

He saw too much

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

What do you call a council of Emo's?

A cutting board.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school?

The one who won't shut up about it.

Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household service...

We were eating dinner the other day when I noticed my brother was cutting his steak and stacking it up. I had to knock it over

The stakes were just too high...

As a cheesemonger, I spent a lot of time cutting cheese up in to little pieces.

It's grate.

Just rubbed my eyes after cutting some jalapeños

I have hella pain, yo.

Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday

The neighbours clapped as I took a bough

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

I figured out the best way to not cry when cutting an onion.

Just don't form any sort of emotional bond with it.

Two guys are cutting down trees

Two guys are cutting down trees. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: "How many trees did you cut down?"
His friend says: "Around 20."
He can't believe so he asks: "How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"

"Well, it's nothing special. Yo...

A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg.

Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

I hurt my back while cutting down a tree.

Guess you could say I have lumber problems.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

i was cutting boards at work...

i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

My wife told me I'm fantastic at cutting up cheese

I told her she's greater

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

A cowboy goes to the barber. When the barber is done cutting his hair, the cowboy goes back outside.

And guess what? Pony gone.

A crackhead and a masochist are in a prison cell...

They both have life sentences for one reason or another and are pretty hopeless overall. One day the masochist chops his finger off and throws it out of the cell just because he is bored. Then a few minutes later he chops his arm up to the elbow and throws it out of the cell. He repeats this action ...

I've been cutting corners my whole life...

But now I am a well-rounded person, so it worked out pretty well.

A kitchen joke. Why was the cutting board?

The knife was really dull

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

I bought a new weed-whacker today

It's cutting hedge technology

A man is cutting sides of

A man is cutting sides of a capsule before taking it.

His neighbour saw this and asked him,

” why are you cutting the sides of the capsule?

He replied ” To avoid the side effects” :P :D lolx hahhahahah

Garden shears will never be outdated.

After all, it's cutting-hedge technology.

One Halloween long ago, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a boy went out with his friends...

The boy, of course, did a bit more tricking than treating on that night. As he returned home after a long night of mischievous activities, he was confronted by his father.

"Were you out tipping outhouses? Because our outhouse got tipped over earlier this night," his father said.

"Of co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and a Czech go camping

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They're having sex

Little Jhonny and his mama and papa lived in a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. Now with little Johnny being little the parents would send him out into the balcony whenever they wanted to get frisky, to make it seem routine they'd ask him what he saw when he was out. So one Saturday afternoon h...

I need to find a new barber, mine is afraid of hair.

He just ain’t cutting it

Jesus walks into a bar

Jesus walks into a bar after a pretty rough day. After a couple hours of whiskey shots the bartender says, "That's it. I'm cutting you off. Water only for you from now on."

Jesus replies back in a sarcastic tone," Oh no. Not water."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...

Dogs are great at sniffing out bombs but terrible at defusing them.

They always end up cutting the grey wire.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed...

Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED.

.

Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice.

....

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Polachs Go Ice Fishing [long]

As their using their auger to cut a hole to drop their lines they hear a voice from above.

“There’s no fish down there.”

After hearing that they decide to move about ten yards further down, and proceed to cutting a hole in the ice. Once again they hear the same voice call out.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a fancy restaurant

He goes to put his spoon down to eat some bread but his spoon falls off the table. Annoyed, he calls over a waiter.

“Hey, I dropped my spoon on the floor... would you mind fetching me a new one?”

“Of course!” Says the waiter. He then proceeds to pull a spoon from his pocket and hands...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two police detectives are discussing a serial killer's case

The rookie detective Bob is reading the case files for a serial killer whose MO includes cutting out the tongues and amputating the legs of all his victims. Curious, he asks the senior detective Joe about this serial killer.

"Oh yeah, we've been trying to catch this guy for about 10 years now...

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

Always avoid alliteration

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian.

You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a j...