I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

I hate cutting up peaches.

It's the pits.

Did you see that guy on the freeway cutting off everyone but big rigs?

He was semi courteous.

I'm addicted to cutting my brakes and driving.

I just can't stop!

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

A barber gets his first client of the day and begins cutting his hair

The barber asks the client “What do you do?”
The client responds “I’m a waiter at the Italian restaurant down the street.”

The barber says to him “You’re in the service industry, I’m in the service industry, this haircut is on me.”

The next morning, the barber comes back to his shop...

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

I cried while cutting up an onion today...

...I think I was just reliving the time that onion molested me as a kid.

Where can you find an ugly person cutting themselves?

Your shaving mirror.

What did the opera singer say when he was cutting down a tree?

Timbre!

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

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"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I would prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

I thought about cutting down my sodium intake

But then I was like, Na.

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

I cut my finger while cutting cheese

But I think I may have GRATER problems

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ?

He saw too much

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It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

What do you call a council of Emo's?

A cutting board.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

I was cutting up a homemade pizza and exclaimed "wow, this cheese is stringy"

My four year old daughter's reply

"Stringier than a yo-yo"

You come across three performing mimes. One is in an invisible box, one is cutting an invisible rope, and one is fighting an invisible man. Which one failed mime school?

The one who won't shut up about it.

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

Cutting down personal expenses

The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:

"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household service...

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

As a cheesemonger, I spent a lot of time cutting cheese up in to little pieces.

It's grate.

We were eating dinner the other day when I noticed my brother was cutting his steak and stacking it up. I had to knock it over

The stakes were just too high...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

I hurt my back while cutting down a tree.

Guess you could say I have lumber problems.

A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg.

Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday

The neighbours clapped as I took a bough

I figured out the best way to not cry when cutting an onion.

Just don't form any sort of emotional bond with it.

i was cutting boards at work...

i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs

Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four ho...

Two guys are cutting down trees

Two guys are cutting down trees. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: "How many trees did you cut down?"
His friend says: "Around 20."
He can't believe so he asks: "How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"

"Well, it's nothing special. Yo...

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ISIS has reportedly acquired a shitload of cutting edge weapons technology from the Korean black market.

Recent photographs suggest that the technology is known to have an Iris Scanner, S Pen, a 12 MP primary camera and a really mindBLOWING battery life.

My wife told me I'm fantastic at cutting up cheese

I told her she's greater

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget.

So they had to start cutting coroners

I've been cutting corners my whole life...

But now I am a well-rounded person, so it worked out pretty well.

A crackhead and a masochist are in a prison cell...

They both have life sentences for one reason or another and are pretty hopeless overall. One day the masochist chops his finger off and throws it out of the cell just because he is bored. Then a few minutes later he chops his arm up to the elbow and throws it out of the cell. He repeats this action ...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

A kitchen joke. Why was the cutting board?

The knife was really dull

Just got fired from my lawn maintence job.

Apparently I just wasn't cutting it.

A man is cutting sides of

A man is cutting sides of a capsule before taking it.

His neighbour saw this and asked him,

” why are you cutting the sides of the capsule?

He replied ” To avoid the side effects” :P :D lolx hahhahahah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a talk with my therapist

Me: you know I feel like people keep cutting me off in life and bursting my bubble so that along with my childhood trauma gave me more than enough reason to come to you for therapy

"Sir this is a McDonalds drive-through"

Why is it so easy to take off corners these days?

They use new cutting-edge technology

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

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