The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Did you see that guy on the freeway cutting off everyone but big rigs?

He was semi courteous.

I hate cutting up peaches.

It's the pits.

I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lorena Bobbit is in her car, escaping moments after cutting off her husbands penis

The penis is on the seat beside her. An old married couple is approaching in the opposite direction in their car. Finally, disgusted, Lorena flings the bloody penis out her window just as she’s passing the old couple. The dick hits their windshield, splatters and bounces off.
After a long pause ...

I'm addicted to cutting my brakes and driving.

I just can't stop!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

A barber gets his first client of the day and begins cutting his hair

The barber asks the client “What do you do?”
The client responds “I’m a waiter at the Italian restaurant down the street.”

The barber says to him “You’re in the service industry, I’m in the service industry, this haircut is on me.”

The next morning, the barber comes back to his shop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

TIFU by accidentally cutting down by neighbour's hedge instead of my own

Whoops, wrong shrub.

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

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