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A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.

Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.

Fanny with and ‘r’,...

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Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000

0001

0002

0003

0004

0005

...

I think I've been hacked by Russia.

Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

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The Mature Lady

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't hav...

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What do Jeff Bezos and Jamal Khashoggi have in common?

They were both hacked by Saudis.

Hackers in a movie be like

lasdkfjhehdfvjdkfhier dhghtwoief ghih egjiufye r

I'm in.

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

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Hacked :o

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

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DONT HIT THE BALL!!!

DON'T HIT THE BALL

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beauti...

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

A man walked into a warehouse looking for a hula hoop.

Once he found one of size, he measured it. A nice length it was! The width of the hoop was 1 meter.

The man began to hack away at the hoop, when suddenly, a voice emerged!

"Please don't cut me! I was created with a circumference of 3.14 meters!"

The man chuckled, and continued t...

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

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Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet. She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks...

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

There once was a very honest man...

He was the most honest man around.

Or so he thought.

One day, he was seduced. It was the most beautiful woman ever.

But there's a problem:

He was married.

Being so honest, and to save face, he decided to tell his wife the truth.

So he waited in his home for ...

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

An older man was getting sicker and sicker as time went by...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law jailed for six months for hacking chef's computer ...

Apparently, Gordon suspected the hacking when his computer was completely FUCKING FROZEN !!!

Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.

Thank God for the Canadians..

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Educational video website Lynda.com got hacked

I hope they learned their lesson.

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My password is pussy

Because most hackers don't get it

CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

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An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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A museum curator walks into an art studio...

...and asks the artists to create some art for the American history wing of the museum.

One artist pipes up

“I’m a great history buff, how would you like a piece about Custer’s last stand?”

The curator is pleased with the idea and agrees to pick up the painting in a few days. ...

What did Darth Vader say when the Church of Scientology website got hacked?

"I find your hack of faith disturbing."

Russia admitted today to hacking the DNC in an attempt to get Donald Trump elected

They went on to say that they decided not to take any action, however, once they saw Hillary Clinton's campaign strategy.

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's
talent?

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

You know what's the saddest part of North Korea getting hacked?

It won't get to see this.

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