This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

I used to work as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Life Hack: give your next kid a normal name

Me: are you still mad your mom and I named you Life Hack?

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

You know the Yahoo hack is not that bad...

at least someone knows my password to my Yahoo account.

CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

What do programmers do when something is stuck in their throat?

They hack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A once teacher said: What do programmers do?

Student A: Fix your printer.

Student B: Hack facebook accounts

Student C: Shitpost on Reddit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The rabbi moves next to the priest.

The rabbi moves next to the priest. On the first day, the priest sees how dirty is the car of the rabbi, and he washes the vehicle, as an act of courtesy. When he wakes up on the next morning he hears the sound of a hack saw. He looks through the window, and sees that the rabbi just cut down the end...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner and Kevin Spacey walk into a bar...

Except the bar is actually Peyton Manning on all fours spreading his asshole wide open. Harvey and Brett don't appreciate the "prank" as much as Kevin does so they call their buddy Jeremy Piven to pick them up. The three head to an open-bathrobe party at Ben Affleck's house

Meanwhile, Kevin i...

A motivational joke.

In the far future, there is a chip that is able to hack into nearly all piece of technology on Earth.

This chip is currently within the hands of a wise old man. The old man was ill so he decided to give it to his child.

"Let's put this in your favorite movie's cd box."
The old man s...

Machetes are extremely tech savvy

They can hack anything.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man calls his home while on a business trip.

(I translated this joke from my native language so bear with me)

An unfamiliar voice answers the phone.
Man: "Who is this?"
Answer comes, "A am the maid."
Man: "What? there was no maid when i left a couple of days ago."
Maid: "I was hired yesterday and started working just...

Three girls are vacationing in Romania when they come across a gypsy

The gypsy says, "I'll bet you 20 leu each that I can guess which country you're visiting from just by looking at you." The girls think there's no way this hack gypsy can tell where they're from just by looking, so they take the bet. The gypsy scans them for a few seconds and says, "you're all Americ...

why did the 2016 presidential election suck?

It was a real Hack job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In Russia, there's a lot of great one liners about how severe people of the town "Chelyabinsk" are.

Due to the town's location and social-economic conditions, citizens of this town became sort of a legend for their toughness, hence these nice one-liners were made:


- **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, that instead of a birdhouse they nail a doghouse to their tree.

- **The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"...

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, ”There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "No...

Annoying Husband

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of...

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler fact...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are captured by a group of terrorists, and are to be tortured.

They shout at the first man, demanding to know what his job was before he was captured.
"I was a butcher!" He says. The terrorists get a meat cleaver, and hack his dick off with it.

They shout at the second man, demanding to know what his job was before he was captured.
"I was a plumber...

I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn't concentrate.

So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then i gave being a barber a go. But I didn't cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn't suited for the job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/17)

Hey, folks! Back again to fill you all in on what wonderfully weird stuff happened today. And so it begins...

Start from the gutter, a California doctor suggested his patient give oral sex to cure her gag reflex - and you do NOT want to know what he suggested she do to unplug her bowel obstru...