I just quit my job as a penetration tester.

I couldn't quite hack it.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Hackers in a movie be like

lasdkfjhehdfvjdkfhier dhghtwoief ghih egjiufye r

I'm in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DONT HIT THE BALL!!!

DON'T HIT THE BALL

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beauti...

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet. She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks...

There once was a very honest man...

He was the most honest man around.

Or so he thought.

One day, he was seduced. It was the most beautiful woman ever.

But there's a problem:

He was married.

Being so honest, and to save face, he decided to tell his wife the truth.

So he waited in his home for ...

Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

An old man has recently gotten ill, and is becoming worse as time went on...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

How to get away with speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

**Older Woman:** Is there a problem, officer?

**Officer:** Ma'am, you were speeding.

**Older Woman:** Oh, I see.

**Officer:** Can I see your license, please?

**Older Woman:** I'd give it to you but I don't have one....

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000

0001

0002

0003

0004

0005

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A museum curator walks into an art studio...

...and asks the artists to create some art for the American history wing of the museum.

One artist pipes up

“I’m a great history buff, how would you like a piece about Custer’s last stand?”

The curator is pleased with the idea and agrees to pick up the painting in a few days. ...

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

This post is directed to the person who hacked my reddit account.

I swear I'm going to find out who you are!

If you want to be a computer science major, all you have do is get sick.

Before long you’ll be coughing and hacking.

My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

Do not accept a friend request from Lizzie Borden.

You will get hacked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

I think I’ve been hacked by Russia

Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hacked :o

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

Please disregard any messages you receive from Lizzie Borden's parents...

They've been hacked

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day . . .

Teach a man to phish and he'll create a constitutional crisis using hacked emails and kompromat.

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!


Joe immediate...

Today I awoke with a song in my heart.

Someone had hacked my pacemaker.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

Life Hack: give your next kid a normal name

Me: are you still mad your mom and I named you Life Hack?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hacking is like anal.

You go through the backdoor and make sure a log isn't found.

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law jailed for six months for hacking chef's computer ...

Apparently, Gordon suspected the hacking when his computer was completely FUCKING FROZEN !!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

Me: CIA can't hack us all...

CIA: Hold My Beer

Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.

Thank God for the Canadians..

Educational video website Lynda.com got hacked

I hope they learned their lesson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My password is pussy

Because most hackers don't get it

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

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