My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

How did the hacker get away from the police?

He ransomware.

My email password has been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

EA says that it was not hacked....

For the rest of the joke you need to pay $4.99

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

What's the best life hack?

An axe

I think I was hacked by russia

Edit: I no hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

Edit 2: Thank for big silver neck coin, comrade. I appreciate.

To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.

(Edit: no, you won’t)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

Hack for when you don't what to go to the doctor

She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go ….

He: Just call in sick then.

When buying condoms,

I like to get the condoms that are "ribbed for her pleasure" and turn 'em inside out.

Follow me for more life hacks.

EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000

Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information

What did John Bobbit say to the Dr. after Lorena hacked his cack?

“Doc, you’re going to re-member me!”

Why is it ok to hack Cthulhu in as a recruitable hero in a fantasy RTS to defeat the orcs?

Because all's fair in Lovecraft and Warcraft.

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

My 7yo daughter hacked my dad’s joke...

My dad asked my 7yo daughter which letter of the alphabet has the most water in it. The answer he was looking for was C.

My daughter immediately shouts out “P!”

Have you heard about the IT employee who got hacked weeks ago?

Well, he is in pieces now.

An explorer was hacking his way through dense jungle...

... When he came across a large clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a dead elephant, and on top of the elephant sat a pygmy, whittling a stick and whistling a cheerful tune. The explorer approached carefully, and called out:

"I say! You there!"

The pygmy looked down. "What?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.

Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.

Fanny with and ‘r’,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

A nun and a priest were crossing the desert on a camel..

They were almost half way across when the camel began wheezing, and hacking, and coughing up blood. Before long the camel collapsed dead underneath them. The two stood for a while in the blazing sun, and the priest finally broke the silence by saying, "You do realize sister, that it's only a matter ...

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hacked :o

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

You know the Yahoo hack is not that bad...

at least someone knows my password to my Yahoo account.

CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law jailed for six months for hacking chef's computer ...

Apparently, Gordon suspected the hacking when his computer was completely FUCKING FROZEN !!!

City Slicker's Mule

A local farmer is watching his new neighbor from the city trying to put up his mule in the barn. But the mule won't go in, so the city slicker starts hacking away at the top of the barn door.

The farmer yells over the fence, Hey what are you doing, what's the problem?

City slicker say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My password is pussy

Because most hackers don't get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mildly Penis Joke

What do you call an agricultural worker who couldn't hack it in the entertainment industry?

A grower, not a shower!

Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.

Thank God for the Canadians..

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

I just got caught hacking into Mick Jagger's Windows account...

He told me, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

Why did Lizzie Borden accomplish so much?

Because she was so good at life hacks!

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a joke. Let me know what you think.

Life hack. I moved my fitness watch to my masterbation hand and now my watch thinks I run a four minute mile every night after my wife falls asleep. I’ll show myself out.

Educational video website Lynda.com got hacked

I hope they learned their lesson.

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's
talent?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

You know what's the saddest part of North Korea getting hacked?

It won't get to see this.

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