What's the best life hack?

An axe

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

My email password has been hacked again

That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat

To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.

(Edit: no, you won’t)

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

I think I was hacked by russia

Edit: I no hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

Edit 2: Thank for big silver neck coin, comrade. I appreciate.

Hack for when you don't what to go to the doctor

She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go ….

He: Just call in sick then.

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

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A woman was pulled over for speeding.

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.
Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... C...

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

An explorer was hacking his way through dense jungle...

... When he came across a large clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a dead elephant, and on top of the elephant sat a pygmy, whittling a stick and whistling a cheerful tune. The explorer approached carefully, and called out:

"I say! You there!"

The pygmy looked down. "What?"...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

What do you call a bar in France, that is opened by a hacker taliban?

a La Hack Bar

My 7yo daughter hacked my dad’s joke...

My dad asked my 7yo daughter which letter of the alphabet has the most water in it. The answer he was looking for was C.

My daughter immediately shouts out “P!”

Have you heard about the IT employee who got hacked weeks ago?

Well, he is in pieces now.

Why did Lizzie Borden accomplish so much?

Because she was so good at life hacks!

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

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A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.

Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.

Fanny with and ‘r’,...

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Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

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I wrote a joke. Let me know what you think.

Life hack. I moved my fitness watch to my masterbation hand and now my watch thinks I run a four minute mile every night after my wife falls asleep. I’ll show myself out.

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

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Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

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Hacked :o

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

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To everyone who received photo of my penis!!!

I've been hacked! So there will be no mailings this and next week, sorry

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price amo...

Difference between a wife and a girlfriend

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.

Grandson: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this:

Grandpa: Listen young one, a wife is like a TV and a girlfriend i...

Computer problems

I had a close friend who was tragically killed by an axe murderer. Strangely, I recently received a friend request from him on Facebook... I think he’s been hacked

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with and keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping his back.


The boy coughs up two nickels but keeps hacking. Looking at his son, the father panics, and starts shouting for help.


At the bar the...

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

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If virginity was a game....

I would definitely be accused of hacking

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

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Man Killed On Golf Course

A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them--taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another ...

I lost 225 pounds!

I don’t know how or why anyone hacked into my bank account

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

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Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law jailed for six months for hacking chef's computer ...

Apparently, Gordon suspected the hacking when his computer was completely FUCKING FROZEN !!!

I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

It’s been reported that Credit Card information for Sears and Kmart customers has been hacked.

Fortunately, they were able to contact your grandparents and they were able to cancel their Diners Club without incident.

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

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My password is pussy

Because most hackers don't get it

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

I just got caught hacking into Mick Jagger's Windows account...

He told me, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.

Thank God for the Canadians..

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Educational video website Lynda.com got hacked

I hope they learned their lesson.

Some people say Gene is good

Others say he is a Hack, man!

Russia admitted today to hacking the DNC in an attempt to get Donald Trump elected

They went on to say that they decided not to take any action, however, once they saw Hillary Clinton's campaign strategy.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

Security question: What was the last name of your first grade teacher?

My first grade teacher hacking my bank account: I'm in

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's
talent?

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