UPJOKE
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Hack Jokes

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

I think I've been hacked by Russia

Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

Why was Santa hacked?

Because he accepts all the cookies.

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

An interesting hack

How did the hacker escape the police?

He ransomwhere

Did you hear somebody tried to hack Caesars Palace?

It wasn't in the cards.

They tried their best, but no dice.

Officer: I need you to try and identify the body I have to warn you the body was hacked up

Civilian: Yes, that’s my bother Reese

Officer: Are you sure?

Civilian: [nodding] those are Reese’s Pieces

Help, someone in Russia is trying to hack my phone

Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.

What's the best life hack?

An axe

An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.

After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.

Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.

On closer inspection, the ...

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

Life hack

If you sleep till noon you only have to pay for two meals instead of three.

My email password has been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man’s dating hack

Out one night with his friends, a young man meets a beautiful young lady who agrees to go on a date with him the following day.

Worried he won’t remember her name, the young man uses a little memory trick to help his rememebr her name, which incidentally was Franny.

Fanny with and ‘r’,...

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

Life hack

If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child abuse to a whopper jr.

Breaking news: EA has been hacked

Apparently the hackers have stolen some 780GB of data. EA insists no player data has been compromised.

They said it's in the game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

EA says that it was not hacked....

For the rest of the joke you need to pay $4.99

Hack for when you don't what to go to the doctor

She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go ….

He: Just call in sick then.

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

An explorer was hacking his way through dense jungle...

... When he came across a large clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a dead elephant, and on top of the elephant sat a pygmy, whittling a stick and whistling a cheerful tune. The explorer approached carefully, and called out:

"I say! You there!"

The pygmy looked down. "What?"...

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hacked :o

Boy: The principal is so dumb!


Girl: Do you know who I am?


Boy: No...


Girl: I am the principal's daughter!


Boy: Do you know who I am?


Girl: No...


Boy: Good! \*Walks away\*

Life hack for driving

Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.

My 7yo daughter hacked my dad’s joke...

My dad asked my 7yo daughter which letter of the alphabet has the most water in it. The answer he was looking for was C.

My daughter immediately shouts out “P!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

Have you heard about the IT employee who got hacked weeks ago?

Well, he is in pieces now.

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

What did John Bobbit say to the Dr. after Lorena hacked his cack?

“Doc, you’re going to re-member me!”

Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.

Thank God for the Canadians..

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves.

As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?"
Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted.
"You can't get out of here wi...

Why is it ok to hack Cthulhu in as a recruitable hero in a fantasy RTS to defeat the orcs?

Because all's fair in Lovecraft and Warcraft.

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

Educational video website Lynda.com got hacked

I hope they learned their lesson.

I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

CHEAP and EASY Hack for Getting in Touch With Your Inner Self:

Use 1 ply toilet paper

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

Golf

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I've played so poorly all...

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols...

1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

I just got caught hacking into Mick Jagger's Windows account...

He told me, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law jailed for six months for hacking chef's computer ...

Apparently, Gordon suspected the hacking when his computer was completely FUCKING FROZEN !!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

You know what's the saddest part of North Korea getting hacked?

It won't get to see this.

Russia admitted today to hacking the DNC in an attempt to get Donald Trump elected

They went on to say that they decided not to take any action, however, once they saw Hillary Clinton's campaign strategy.

I heard of an armless man that applied for a job at the butcher's

They fired him because he couldn't hack it.

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's
talent?

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