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Today I found an alien in my freezer.

When I asked him what he was doing in there, he said "I cum in peas".

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

What do you call it when you put a baby in a freezer?

**Chilled abuse**

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a very well thawed out plan

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Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?

I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

What's worse than a baby in a freezer?

A baby in 2 freezers.

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"

I replied "Net flicks and chill."

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Check the freezer . . .

Two men, waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, an...

What’s the difference between a deep freezer and your old lady?

THE DEEP FREEZE DOESN’T FART WHEN YOU PULL YOUR MEAT OUT IF IT.

Why did the edgy teenager lock himself in the freezer ?

He thought it was cool.

What’s the difference between my girlfriend and a freezer?

My freezer can’t complain when I put my meat in.

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

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My mom told me I could keep the chicken in the freezer.

She was wrong. That little fucker was dead the next morning.

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"

She said, "Just give it to him straight."

A couple of cannibals are rooting through the freezer looking for something for supper

One says to the other, "how about the rest of that Jewish guy from last week?"

The other cannibal replies, "I can't, my doctor told me cut down on Hasidic food."

A man was extremely lonely

He decides to get a pet to keep him company. When he arrives at the pet store he asks one of the employees about a pet to be his friend. The employee recommends that he gets an extremely talkative parrot. The moment the man sees the parrot it starts talking, saying "Are you going to buy me? I can't ...

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas.

The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think ...

A statistician had his head in the freezer and his feet in the oven...

And said, "On the average, I feel comfortable".

I just put a bottle antifreeze in the freezer.

Place your bets now.

A blind man walks into a freezer...

"I was blind, but now icy."

Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

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Why did Kim Jong Un take a shit in the freezer?

To develop an icy BM.

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I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swe...

Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?

to get to the other side.

I bought my mother a new fridge freezer for her birthday..

I know it's not much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

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This is a story of a smartass parrot.

This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”
S...

My wife was struggling to open the freezer

In the end she gave up, and froze to death.

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird i...

Did you read about the skeleton trapped in the freezer?

It was a bone-chilling story.

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue? [OC]

Icy dead people!

Bad Parrot

Man decides to buy a parrot for his mother's birthday. Pet store owner warns him the parrot cusses like a sailor but the man is determined and buys parrot thinking he'll stop the parrot from cussing before Mom's birthday.
First day when parrot cusses the man takes parrot's food away. Being hung...

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My girlfriend wants a chest freezer for Christmas...

I said "Why? It's cold as tits outside already!"

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common?

The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

A man doesn't know how to turn on his freezer

He goes to his friend for help. Happy to help, his friend explains what to do.
His friend asks "do you need me to explain it anymore?"
The man says "No thanks, icy now".

Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles?

Because he wanted just ice.

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot.

So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

"Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said.

"No that's quite alright...

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Parrot discipline

One day a woman decided to get a parrot. She was in luck, because the pet store had a previously owned one very cheap, but when she got it home she found out why: its previous owner had been a sailor, and the parrot's language was awful. Whatever she tried, it just kept squawking "Fuck off, bitch!" ...

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A guy's parrot takes Viagra, he gets really horny. The guy stuffs the parrot in the freezer to cool him down and he forgets the little guy inside.

The next day he opens the freezer's door, the parrot all sweaty:- oh, man , it's very hard to spread the legs of this frozen chicken

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