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What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."

But the steaks were too high.

Ted Bundy: Hey, you got any ice cream in the freezer ?

Jeffery Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

What's the difference between my brother and my freezer

My freezer doesn't cry when I put my meat in it

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

I had some lasagne in the freezer that I planned on eating but I realized it was locked

And I had gnocchi

A Canadian buys a walk-in freezer

His neighbor asks him: "Why do you need a freezer when it's so cold outside?"

He replies: "To have a warm place inside the house. It's -30 outside and -10 in the freezer."

One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

What do you get if you put blondes in a freezer?

Frosted flakes

I was filling my water bottle from the freezer door, and an ice cube fell out and slid out of reach

I was about to get angry but then I realized, no, now it’s just water under the fridge

What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight?

Frost bite

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'...

What did the Eggo waffle say while being picked from the freezer?

Leggo’a me!

What did the water filled ice tray say to the the freezer?

Hey buddy!
Do me a solid.

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

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Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator

now they're just chilling.

My friends accused me of being stupid because I had my arm in the freezer.

I gave them the cold shoulder.

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2 blonds are in heaven....

One asked the other: "how did you die?"

"I froze to death" said the second blond

"That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death...

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Check the freezer . . .

Two men, waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, an...

My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old

Then she looked in the freezer

Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a very well thawed out plan

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?

I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"

I replied "Net flicks and chill."

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store

...unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the do...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

What’s the difference between a deep freezer and your old lady?

THE DEEP FREEZE DOESN’T FART WHEN YOU PULL YOUR MEAT OUT IF IT.

Two guys meet in the afterlife

Two guys meet in the afterlife, the first one asked the second.

- Hey buddy what did you die from?

- I was frozen to death and you?

- I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I got home early to catch them in the act but when I got there, she was alone, I looked all over the ...

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

Why did the edgy teenager lock himself in the freezer ?

He thought it was cool.

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"

She said, "Just give it to him straight."

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

I just put a bottle antifreeze in the freezer.

Place your bets now.

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My mom told me I could keep the chicken in the freezer.

She was wrong. That little fucker was dead the next morning.

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

A statistician had his head in the freezer and his feet in the oven...

And said, "On the average, I feel comfortable".

A couple of cannibals are rooting through the freezer looking for something for supper

One says to the other, "how about the rest of that Jewish guy from last week?"

The other cannibal replies, "I can't, my doctor told me cut down on Hasidic food."

Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?

to get to the other side.

A blind man walks into a freezer...

"I was blind, but now icy."

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

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Why did Kim Jong Un take a shit in the freezer?

To develop an icy BM.

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This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

I bought my mother a new fridge freezer for her birthday..

I know it's not much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

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Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda!

2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
...

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

My wife was struggling to open the freezer

In the end she gave up, and froze to death.

A man buys a parrot and take it home

The parrot starts cussing up a storm, so the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After about 5 minutes, the man takes the parrot out and it says...

"Look, I've learned my lesson and will never cuss again, but you've got to tell me something!"

"What's that?" Asked the man

"What...

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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

Did you read about the skeleton trapped in the freezer?

It was a bone-chilling story.

What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue? [OC]

Icy dead people!

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Why don’t chicken breasts have nipples?

They would tear the packaging while in the freezer.

Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates

One man, Jim, turns to the man next to him, Tom. “So, what’s the reason you’re here?”
Tom: “I died of hypothermia. What about you?”
Jim: “well, I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work one day unannounced to catch her in the act. Turns out she wasn’t, so I got so stressed...

Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles?

Because he wanted just ice.

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common?

The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

A man doesn't know how to turn on his freezer

He goes to his friend for help. Happy to help, his friend explains what to do.
His friend asks "do you need me to explain it anymore?"
The man says "No thanks, icy now".

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An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father che...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

Bird is the word.

I had a parrot. He swore up and down, all the time. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. F this and that, b word, c word, you name it. One day I finally had enough and I said that I’m going to stick him in the freezer to cool off if he doesn’t “cool it” with the foul language.

...

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.



“If you don’t stop swearin...

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A guy's parrot takes Viagra, he gets really horny. The guy stuffs the parrot in the freezer to cool him down and he forgets the little guy inside.

The next day he opens the freezer's door, the parrot all sweaty:- oh, man , it's very hard to spread the legs of this frozen chicken

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