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Freezer Jokes

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Check the freezer . . .

Two men, waiting at the Pearly Gates, strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, an...

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

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Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I asked my son why he put popcorn in the freezer.

He told me he wanted a pop-sicle.

Guy is standing in front of the freezer, looking for something to make for dinner.

His wife calls over to him "Hey Honey, is there any ice cream left in there?"

He replies, "Yes, there's about half a pint of mint chocolate chip, do you want it?"

His wife says "How hard is it?"

The guy replies "As hard as I was last night."

Wife says "Ok, can you pour me...

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

My Kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight...

When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

I was watching a show that started with this person opening a freezer chest.

It was a cold opener.

What’s big and white and will kill you if it falls out a tree?

A freezer.

What do you call 5 blondes in a freezer?

Frosted Flakes

a man buys a parrot

A man buys a parrot. The bird is beautiful, but swears in the most foul manner all day long.

The man tries everything to silence the parrot: he covers the cage, he turns on loud music, he threatens to hit the parrot... but it's all of no use.

After a few days of incessant ranting, he b...

How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?

I asked my neighbour, “how long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?”

She said, “about a month or so”

Me, “that’s strange, I put one in last night and this morning it was dead”

Why did the water jump into the freezer?

Because it caught coronavirus and had to self ice-olate!

(made up by my 7 year old!)

Why did the blonde leave the ice pick in the freezer?

Because she thought if she left it out for too long it would melt

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When all the males in the morgue freezer were found missing their penis, police immediately suspected Guy Fieri.

After all, who else would try to pull off frosted tips like that?

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I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien masturbating...

Naturally I was shocked and asked what the hell was he doing? To which he replied "I cum in peas"

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

In honor of my 7th cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

A Canadian buys a walk-in freezer

His neighbor asks him: "Why do you need a freezer when it's so cold outside?"

He replies: "To have a warm place inside the house. It's -30 outside and -10 in the freezer."

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator

now they're just chilling.

What do you get if you put a German in a walk in freezer?

Cold Hans

A blind man walks into a freezer...

"I was blind, but now icy."

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My dad is pissed at me for kicking ice cubes under the freezer

But to me it’s just water under the fridge.

What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight?

Frost bite

What did the water filled ice tray say to the the freezer?

Hey buddy!
Do me a solid.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

I asked my wife what size freezer we should buy.

She responded, "How tall are you?"

What can be found in a Judge's freezer?

Just ice.

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'...

Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?

to get to the other side.

I did the classic "I have a body in my freezer" joke to my younger brother.

I don't know what he thought of it, but he did seem rather cold.

Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

I just put a bottle antifreeze in the freezer.

Place your bets now.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

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What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

What's the difference between my wife and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when I pull my meat out of it.

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

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Why did Kim Jong Un take a shit in the freezer?

To develop an icy BM.

One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers.

But "Rocky Road" soup is an acquired taste.

My wife was struggling to open the freezer

In the end she gave up, and froze to death.

Did you ever hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a very well thawed out plan

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

I was filling my water bottle from the freezer door, and an ice cube fell out and slid out of reach

I was about to get angry but then I realized, no, now it’s just water under the fridge

I was taking care of my friend's snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died...

I asked my wife, "What should I tell him?"

She said, "Just give it to him straight."

What’s the difference between a deep freezer and your old lady?

THE DEEP FREEZE DOESN’T FART WHEN YOU PULL YOUR MEAT OUT IF IT.

I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."

But the steaks were too high.

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My mom told me I could keep the chicken in the freezer.

She was wrong. That little fucker was dead the next morning.

I had some lasagne in the freezer that I planned on eating but I realized it was locked

And I had gnocchi

Why did batman fill his freezer with water bottles?

Because he wanted just ice.

Last week we took the kids to see "Disney On Ice" but it was very disappointing.

It was just some old dead guy in a freezer.

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

What did Bruce Willis find in the freezer at the morgue? [OC]

Icy dead people!

Why is it a good idea to put your money in the freezer, instead of the bank?

So you always have access to cold hard cash...

[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.

I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.

Did you read about the skeleton trapped in the freezer?

It was a bone-chilling story.

A couple of cannibals are rooting through the freezer looking for something for supper

One says to the other, "how about the rest of that Jewish guy from last week?"

The other cannibal replies, "I can't, my doctor told me cut down on Hasidic food."

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustio...

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

I took a girl on a date into a freezer and prodded her with a mesh of wire...

She screamed, "What the hell is this?"

I replied "Net flicks and chill."

A man doesn't know how to turn on his freezer

He goes to his friend for help. Happy to help, his friend explains what to do.
His friend asks "do you need me to explain it anymore?"
The man says "No thanks, icy now".

I like my men like I like my coffee -

- ground up and in the freezer.

I'm 87 but have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel

But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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*The Viagra package*

The man was just prescribed Viagra to help his love life.


Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

...

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

My girlfriend didn't believe me when I said I have the body of 20 year old

Her opinion changed when I opened the freezer

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

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