UPJOKE
governmentministershelflegislatureparliamentlockerconsoledresserfurniturecompartmentministersexecutivecupboardprimecouncil

Biden has been trying to put together is new cabinet for weeks.

After not having much success, he finally called up IKEA for help.

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

I threw away a bottle of gin, but it kept showing back up in my liquor cabinet.

Turns out it's 86-proof.

Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Under the pillow

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” a...

My wife always complains that I always leave cabinet doors open.

I will make a great ghost!

What did the cabinet maker do when he got cold?

He cupboard himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis... ...and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor, shocked: "You're in the wrong cabinet, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month..."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"..and we play this reaction game called "Oof!" when we all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music pl...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

My grandpa used to say: "When one door closes, another one opens".

He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys

There were three boys who went to school. Ziphanous, Richard and Phenoys. Ziphanous is not an easy name to say so he was nicknamed Zip, Phenoys, was equally as confusing so was known as simply P. Richard didn’t like his name and was called the usual nickname for Richard, Dick.

The boys had a ...

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

I switched all the labels in my wife's spice cabinet.



She hasn't noticed yet. But I'm sure the thyme is cumin.

Why do people pay extra money for prescription cabinets?

All of mine are over the counter...

President Joe Biden was advised that he needed to assemble a new cabinet to deal with the Russia / Ukraine conflict

Coming back from IKEA, he realised he had greatly misunderstood the task given to him

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha's cabinet became sick during his time as Prime Minister in 2003

It was the SARS cabinet.

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin and two Russian generals are sitting in the Russian presidential aircraft

Putin gets bored and suggests to play a game to kill some time.
They came up with the idea that each of them will throw something out of the plane and later they will go to check what happened on the ground.

The first general pulls a Zippo lighter from his pocket, throws it out the wind...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

What do Boris Johnson and Tottenham Hotspur have in common?

An empty cabinet

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.

It keeps the kids from it.

And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

Teen drinking story

As a teen I stayed over a friend's house one weekend. We thought we were far to young and clever to get caught raiding the liquor cabinet. I made a bit of a distraction asking for food while he opened the cabinet and grabbed the biggest bottle. We got snuck the bottle back to his room. We each had a...

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

The President

The President and his cabinet (advisors) go to a restaurant. The waiter asks the President what he'd like to order. "A steak", he says. The waiter asks, "And the vegetables?" The President replies, "they'll have steak too".

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket.

He comes across an elderly woman in a wheelchair, crying.
Alarmed, Olaf asks the woman what the matter is.

“I want to look at the puddings, but they are three steps down into the chiller cabinet”, she sobs. Her husband has wandered off down the aisle and isn’t any help.

“That’s no p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.

When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently clearing out my drug cabinet...

I came across a packet of James Bond 007 branded Viagra.

Apparently they make you Roger Moore!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

What did the unstable cabinet say to his friends?

“I need you to save me from my shelf.”

What section would a defective cabinet look for in a library?

Shelf help

How many of Trump's cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?

I dunno, none of them have lasted longer than a light bulb.

The cabinet maker

A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes.

As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up...

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

President Trump decided to play Mario Kart with his cabinet

He thought that this would be be a good bonding exercise with his staff so he bought a Wii and ordered his whole office to come into the oval office

Once everyone arrived there was a huge argument on who would play as what character, because everyone wanted to be Mario. Trump decided that thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man strikes a good conversation in a bar with a stranger.

After a few hours of chatting about good quality whiskey, the stranger says:



“Hold up, i have a bottle from the 1800s and i never got to open it. Tonight seems like a good occasion, lets go have a swig of it.”



The young man, already quite drunk, agrees to the stranger...

Why do police have file cabinets?

For organized crime.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

President Bush is sitting in a Cabinet meeting...

One of his intelligence officers enters and tells him, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President exclaims, "Oh my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is shocked. The President receives reports like this on a daily basis, and doesn't flin...

Thatll do it.

A man bought what he thought was a porcelain tea pot at a trader's market,when he finally made it home he was polishing it before putting it in his China cabinet. Smoke began pouring out of it and low and behold a genie appeared. The genie told the man he had three wishes,the only thing is your ex w...

What do you call a cabinet that wears clothes?

A dresser

a new cabinet

A woman buys a new cabinet. It is nailed to the wall with four nails inside. But from time to time a bus runs on the road outside of the flat and the vibrations from the traffic make the nails go loose and the cabinet falls down.

Since her husband is away at work, she asks her neighbour t...

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

What does the Pope use his filing cabinet for?

Storing his Papalwork.

Storm Eunice has caused damages to English Football stadiums

All but Tottenham Hotspur stadium, have reported damages have taken place in the trophy cabinet.

I think that the president and his cabinet listened to Pink Floyd

"We don't need no education" -Devos

"All in all its just another brick in the wall" -Trump

Margaret Thatcher takes the cabinet out for dinner

Margaret Thatcher takes the cabinet out for dinner. The waiter comes along and asks her what she will be eating tonight.

Margaret replies, 'I'll have the steak.'

The waiter then asks, 'What about the vegetables?'

To which Margaret says, 'They'll have the same as me.'

Some idiot at my work opened up every cabinet in our records department, pulled out all the folders, put them on a pile on the floor, then shat all over it.

Now I have to spend tomorrow refiling the aisles of files he defiled in a pile on the tile.

What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm?

Organised crime.

What do call a cabinet that you constantly put money into yet it gives you nothing of value in return?

L. Ron Cupboard

I bet Ivanka Trump actually turned down a position in President Trump's cabinet

I mean how many women would feel comfortable working for a man who said they would screw their daughter.

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet ...

Donald Trump has an open position in his cabinet. There are 3 candidates. A lobbyist, a campaign contributor, and a Mexican. He interviews them one after another.

The lobbyist he asks: What is 1 + 3?

The lobbyist: Puh, that's a hard question, but my cooperation allows me to pay you 50...

An IT worker got selected to be in the presidents cabinet

The administration is having trouble: issues inside and outside the office, everything is slow to get done, and a bunch of warning lights are blinking ok the presidents desk. At a press conference during his first day in office, a journalist asks him, “what do you plan on doing to fix the problems y...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend...

A plumber hobbles down the road in a cast and meets a friend.

"How did you break your leg?" asked the friend

"It's like this," he replied: "This guy had promised his wife that he would fix the sink plumbing on a particular day. That day, he realized he would need to stay late at w...

Putin, Medvedev, and a few other members of the cabinet and parliament walk into a restaurant...

They get seated, and the waiter asks Putin:

– What would you like to eat, sir?

– I'll have some meat.

– And how about the vegetables, sir?

– The vegetables will also have some meat.

Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?

Congress confirmed him without a hearing.

Did you hear of Trump's new cabinet position for border security?

The Secretary of De Fence.

Take your time picking your Cabinet.

Don't be Russian.

How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House

Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

I had doubts about buying a big metal cabinet with a locking door for my guns

It turned out to be a safe purchase.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convicted felon….

A convicted felon escaped from prison where he'd already spent 15 years of a life sentence. He broke into a local farmhouse in the middle of the night looking for food and money and while in there he discovered a young couple asleep in their bed. He woke them up violently and ordered the guy out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor

When the doctor asks her inside, she starts:

"Doctor, please help me. I am plagued by terrible flatulence. Gladly, my farts are silent and don't smell. However, I couldn't help to fart four our five times even since I entered your office."

The doctor has a thoughtful expression on her ...

Current political meetings

Ministers said to have considered three options during yesterday's cabinet meeting, thought to be Stilton, Wensleydale and Brie.

Why don't you ask about the home life of a filing cabinet?

It's usually a sorted affair.

"Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business."

John said counter-productively.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

In April 2021, India was struggling with the coronavirus.

Prime Minister Modi was really concerned, and so he decided that it would be a great idea if he appointed a "Minister of Virus Control." He was considering many of the country's top doctors to fill the position, and eventually, he said that he would tell the public who he appointed on April 25th....

The Casket

A man floored it in his car because he was being chased by a casket, rolling down the road at Godspeed. He drove and drove until his car ran out of gas.

The casket still chasing him and his house being a half a mile away, he ran down the street and into his house, shutting the door behind hi...

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

A man goes to an ice cream stall in siberia

The owner askes "Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?"

The man replies "The one in the freezer, i'm pretty sure it's warmer in there".

3 lads are in a train

One from Italy, one from Germany and one from France. They don't have tickets and see the ticket inspector coming. They start to panic and run to the baggage Waggon to hide. The Italian jumps into a cabinet, the French into a big box and the German into a huge bag. The inspector following them but t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.