UPJOKE
elevatorhallwayfloorroomloftbalconyapartmentfoyeratticup the stairsdownstairssidewalkstairsstairwellbedroom

I was seeing this girl and we were making out on her sofa, she said I think we should take this upstairs.......

I said ok you get that end, I'll get this end and we'll come back downstairs for the cushions.

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch

About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What’s wrong?" His mother said.
"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny’s mother started.
"Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I d...

My upstairs neighbor was yelling so loudly at her daughter...

...that I cleaned my room too and put on my pajamas.

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When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

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An old woman is in her upstairs bathroom. She looks out the window and sees a gorilla watching her.

She calls 911, fire department, police, no one can help. She goes on google and finds John's gorilla removal service. he comes right out. He ties a pitbull to the base of the tree. He gets a sawed off shotgun out of the van, and gives it to the old woman. He gets a ladder and begins to climb the tre...

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love”……

…..and you answer, "I can't do both."

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

My wife yelled to me from upstairs.

Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,

like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"

Me: "No.. why."

Wife:. "How about now.?"

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says

."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off."...

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Upstairs in our house is cleaned fairly well.

The basement is another story.

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously...

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a littl...

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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So i was masturbating in my room upstairs when someone shouted that there was an emergency...

I came as fast as i could so i could get down there.

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I told my wife I had a cuck fetish. She said "ok tomorrow night lets do it". That night I get home, go upstairs and shes in the bedroom having sex with another man!

I was so upset i dropped my rolling pin and spatula

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.

After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.

A wife hears her husband shouting at the TV from upstairs

"Don't do it you idiot", "it's a trap", "Get outta there", "You fool" he keeps on shouting at the TV. The wife calls out to him "Hey what the hell you watching". The husband says, "Oh nothing I was just watching our wedding video.

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

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Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding

Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding at Luigi MIL's house.

Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband.

Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama i...

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My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....

When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,

"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.

I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"

"Well what good is fuckin one o...

A man sends a message to his upstairs neighbor

— Excuse me, neighbor! I’m sorry to bother you but I’m trying to get some sleep and I can hear your wife moaning upstairs.. would you guys mind keeping quieter?

— But I’m not even home..

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend...

My wife was in the house, about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn’t sure a...

An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.

But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache."

"Tell him I've got one."

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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Two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The Mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The Mother turns back to the two boys and says "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. Okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now and he gets up and tipt...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

When i was little, we had the best cleaning lady

Because one time, my dad took her upstairs to clean his bedroom. And she must have done a great job because i could hear him applauding her for almost 10 minutes!

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says,"Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case".
Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around thi...

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Visiting the brothel

A man who’d lost his wife a while back was tired of being lonely and decided to visit a brothel for some companionship.

The madam sent him upstairs with one of the girls who asked him what he was looking for.

The guy said that he’d been married to the same woman for years and that thei...

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

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Mom?

"Mom, is a penis a bad thing?"

"No son, it's part of the male body, why?"

"Dad is upstairs, trying pull his one off!"

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A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", asked the granddad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the...

A man is on a date...[NSFW]

A man is on date with a beautiful girl and he takes her to a fancy hotel with a fancy restaurant and orders the most expensive food which happens to be a traditional italian pasta. While he is eating he finds finds a strand of hair and goes ballistic with anger. He immediately calls the manager and ...

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Me: What's upstairs?

Friend: I don't think they talk..

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother said, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I said. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

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A husband liked to fart in bed (Long).

A husband liked to fart in bed, much to the dismay of his spouse. He named his farts, he gave them scores, and he often invited anyone around to smell it. He even farted in his sleep without waking. His spouse told him, “One day you’re gonna fart your guts out.”

Months later, on Thanksgiving,...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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Two bothers, one 8 and one 5 are upstairs

Playing and the older says to the younger, today we are going to learn how to swear.

The younger brother is real excited and says ok.

The older brother says, I'm going to say fuck and you are going to say damn.

The younger brother is ecstatic.

They both go downstairs a...

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s...

I wanted to tell a joke about a friend who lives upstairs..

But that’s another storey.

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

Nickel & Dime Dining

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's ...

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went...

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Irish Whiskey

A man walked into a pub, took a seat, and when the barmaid asked him what he wanted he replied, "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat between your luscious breasts".
"You bloody degenerate!", the barmaid shouted, "Get out before I fetch my husband!"

The man apologize...

I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...

Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

My brother and I were upstairs watching TV.

Keep turned to me and said, "I think we have company over."

"Why is that?"

"Because I heard dad tell a joke and mom laughed."

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

A woman named Lorraine Lee was taking her boyfriend, Frank, to visit her family for the first time.

Frank entered the house and shook hands with Mr. and Mrs. Lee. There was one other person at the house, and that was Lorraine's sister, a drop dead gorgeous woman named Claire.

Claire whispered something to Frank, and the two of them went upstairs together. Lorraine was suspicious, so five mi...

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

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A man is about to marry a woman with a beautiful younger sister

A week before the wedding the younger sister invites him over, under the guise of discussing something for the wedding.

Once he arrives, she proposes that they should have sex as he’s still a free man and she knows he finds her more attractive than her sister that he is to wed.

The man...

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A woman walks into a hotel and asks for a room. She pays the 100$ and goes upstairs.

The hotel manager quickly grabs the 100$ and run next door, where he pay the local prostitute the 100$ he owes her.

The local prostitute quickly runs to the baker and pays him the 100$ she owes him for not paying last days bread.

The baker, who still hadn't paid for the birthday pork f...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. ...

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A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, waking his wife.

She sits up and sees the husband carrying a sheep underneath his arm. The farmer yells, "See, honey, this is the pig I've been fucking." The wife yells back, "you idiot, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!" The farmer says, "shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

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I like pooping in the upstairs bathroom of the company I work for..

Because for once I’m the one causing the shit to roll downhill

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..

so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it ...

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dachshunds.

there was a woman who had two dachshunds, a male and a female.

one day a visitor asked her what she did when the dachshund bitch was in season,

the owner says, "Oh, I just put the female upstairs. that works."

her visitor says, "how on earth does that work. putting the female...

The Caller

"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the r...

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

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how did Shaggy know that his upstairs neighbor had fallen in her shower and needed help?

She was banging on the bathroom floor

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

A guy gets from a plane and goes to a brothel house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie".

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"Is no problem, I have ze money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes dow...

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Little Johnny is playing upstairs, he gets hungry so he goes to the kitchen and hears his parents arguing.

His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. His dad storms out of the room so Johnny figures it's ok to go in, he decides to ask his mom about the new words he heard. His mom is taken aback, but she thinks quickly and tells him that a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlem...

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger...

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin...

My little brother jumped out the window when I told him a cannibal clown was coming upstairs to feast on his flesh.

I can’t believe he fell for It.

[OC. Hope you like!] Every birthday my Grandmother makes me hand sewn clothing as a gift and mails them from her hometown...

... Last year she sent me an oversized ascot. Now, I haven't seen her since I was a kid and I'm an average sized adult male now, but my sweet grandmother must have thought I grew into being a giant because everything she sends me is extremely large and I just can't fit anything she makes so I simpl...

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A man walks into a bar.....

.... and orders a whiskey. While he is drinking it he notices a bucket 3/4 full of 20s and ask the bartender about it. "Well we have a running bet in this bar, toss in your 20, do 3 impossible things and the money is yours." "What does a guy need to do to win? " the man asks. "Well first," the barte...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery...

He can't fly

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A Burglar breaks into a house through the basement.

As he climbs through the window he hears

"Jesus sees you."

Startled, the burglar frantically looks for a light switch and turns on the lights revealing a parrot.

"Jesus sees you and he's angry!" The parrot screeches.

The burglar scoffs and continues to creep upstairs as h...

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Doggy

A man walks into a bar looking to unwind after a stressful week. He orders his favorite drink and takes a look around. On one of the shelves behind the bartender is a huge glass jar full of hundreds of hundred dollar bills. Noticing the large amount of money, the man is intrigued.

"What's up...

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Carl broke his leg, and his buddy Nick came over to see him.

Nick said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Carl said, “actually, my feet are fucking freezing. Do me a favor, run upstairs and get some socks.”

Nick went upstairs. Not having been there before, he opened the wrong bedroom door and saw Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin sisters lyin...

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

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On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen

and sit around breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his crude language. She hits him and sends him upstairs. When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that ...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty."

Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

Biden will NEVER get my guns

I keep them upstairs

The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom.

To which I reply "Are you going to fly up there and complain?"

A traveling salesman stops at the nearest farmhouse and asks if he can spend the night.

The farmer says OK and tells him he can go upstairs and sleep in the same room as his daughter. The salesman goes upstairs and, as he enters the daughter's room, notices another salesman in the bed with her.

"Oh my God!" he proclaims." I must be in the wrong joke!"

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