My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

My wife went upstairs to get some medicine.

I think she's coming down with something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bothers, one 8 and one 5 are upstairs

Playing and the older says to the younger, today we are going to learn how to swear.

The younger brother is real excited and says ok.

The older brother says, I'm going to say fuck and you are going to say damn.

The younger brother is ecstatic.

They both go downstairs a...

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

*Me Showing my friend my new house* Friend- “What’s upstairs?”

Me: “Dude. Stairs don’t talk.”

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes.

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Little Johnny is playing upstairs, he gets hungry so he goes to the kitchen and hears his parents arguing.

His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. His dad storms out of the room so Johnny figures it's ok to go in, he decides to ask his mom about the new words he heard. His mom is taken aback, but she thinks quickly and tells him that a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlem...

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

My little brother jumped out the window when I told him a cannibal clown was coming upstairs to feast on his flesh.

I can’t believe he fell for It.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?, "says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass', O.K.?"

"O.K." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy was upstairs playing computer games when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

​

"What are you doing?" asks granddad. "You're eighteen years old: you’re wasting your life! When I was eighteen I went to Paris; I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, felt up one of the dancers on stage, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now *that’s* how to have...

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a hotel and asks for a room. She pays the 100$ and goes upstairs.

The hotel manager quickly grabs the 100$ and run next door, where he pay the local prostitute the 100$ he owes her.

The local prostitute quickly runs to the baker and pays him the 100$ she owes him for not paying last days bread.

The baker, who still hadn't paid for the birthday pork f...

My wife took the kids downstairs this morning while i was stuck in the upstairs toilet, so to help i yelled down directions.

Im really taking my parenting to a whole other level.


You could even say my kids were answering to a higher power. (☞゚ヮ゚)☞

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A paralyzed man says to his friend, “Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold”

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man’s two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, “Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.”

One of the girls replies, “That couldn’t possibly be true!”

The man says “I’ll prove it” and then yells towards the stairs, “Both of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to...

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger...

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin...

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how did Shaggy know that his upstairs neighbor had fallen in her shower and needed help?

She was banging on the bathroom floor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the living room with my dad

I was in the living room with my dad when his feet got cold. He told me, "Get my slippers from upstairs". When I went up, I see two of my sister's friends and said, "My dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"You're lying."

"I'll prove it." I said, and shouted, "Dad, did yo...

I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...

Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the hacker who lives upstairs instead of his mom's basement?

That dude is on a different level.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, waking his wife.

She sits up and sees the husband carrying a sheep underneath his arm. The farmer yells, "See, honey, this is the pig I've been fucking." The wife yells back, "you idiot, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!" The farmer says, "shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy has a broken leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year-old twin daughters lying on the...

A man goes to a restaurant

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything an...

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. ...

Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty."

Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"

The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom.

To which I reply "Are you going to fly up there and complain?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

I asked my husband to go upstairs to help our daughter with her Spelling homework

Her assignment was to create a word search with this week’s spelling words. 20 minutes later I hear him saying “colder”, “getting warmer”, “hotter”, etc. So I went upstairs to see what was going on. He had written each word on an index card and hid them around the room for her to find! That’s th...

What do I look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"

The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, a...

I was going to tell you about the people in the apartment upstairs...

But that's another story.

My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery...

He can't fly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks upstairs into a bar...

Tim approaches the bartender and says "I'll have a beer." Tim then looked to his right and witnesses a man take a shot of Jack, run to the window, jump out and start flying. When the guy comes back through the window, Tim flips out, "How did you do that?". The drunk replied, "It's easy, just take a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son asks father the difference between Theory & Reality...

Father replies, "You want to know the difference between theory & reality, huh... Ok, go upstairs and ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down.
"Dad, Mom said Yes, she would sleep with a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

A man shouts to his wife to come upstairs to show her his clock..

The man is stood there naked..

'That's not a clock' she said..

'It will be when you get your hands and face on it.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality...

The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’.


After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone knows good ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money...

He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies, "20 bucks and you're in. The first person to chug this entire bottle of vodka and eat the worm at the bottom, then in the back there's a mean rottweiler with a sore tooth you gotta pull it's tooth. After that there's a 90 year old w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

Copied joke

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few sec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer has three daughters...

A farmer has three daughters and they all have dates on the same Saturday night. The daughters are upstairs getting ready and there’s a knock on the door.

The farmer answers the door to a nice looking young man who say:

“Hi, my names Joe I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to see a s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

so a preacher is working on a sermon

So a preacher is working on a sermon when it starts raining heavily and it floods. The preacher continues working on his sermon. The water rises more but the preacher still calmly continues to write his sermon. A man comes along in a boat, and he says, "come with me, sir". the preacher replies, "no,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
around the building are so intense tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man asks his son to go ask his mother if she would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000...

The boy goes upstairs and asks his mom...

"Hey Mom, would you have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000?"

The mother considers it for a moment and then replies "yes, yes I would."

The son comes back and reports to his father as he exclaims "wow dad! Mom said she have se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bobby had sex with a teacher.

Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today."
Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home."
When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple was going out for the evening.

They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

Weight loss

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me."
An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

“Jesus is Watching”

A famous burglar breaks into a house that he knows has a lot of money hidden in a safe. He also knows that the owner, an old man, is away for the weekend. Once he’s inside, he searches all the rooms on the lower floor. He finds nothing. As he walks upstairs to continue to search for the old man’s sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking when he suddenly falls and injures his hand.

On his way to the hospital, he sees this huge ad on a new machine, the ad claimed that the machine is able to diagnose any disease and write treatment plans for it only by taking urine sample.

The man walks to the machine puts a penny in it and then gives the sample.

After a few beeps,...

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I’m going ...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it’s not much he goes in anyway.....

To his surprise the madam says, “We have something for every price.” She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, “...

A tribute to my late wife

She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."

&#x200B;

So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Women are impossible to please !!

&#x200B;

A store that sells husbands, Husband-Mart, has just opened. Here a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six (6) floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.

The man began sobbing and said:

"You can take anything you want...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A miner back in the 1800s finally strikes gold

Amazed by his good luck, he decides that he wants to go into town and celebrate with a prostitute.
He walks into the local tavern, goes up to the barkeep and says,
“I’m looking for the toughest whore in the Yukon!”
The barkeep looks at him and says
“We got her! Go upstairs and she’s in t...

5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked “Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."

"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

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A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sor...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

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Lottery Winner!

A woman whips her car into the driveway, rushes inside and yells upstairs to her husband, “Hey, pack your bags! I hit the lottery!”
He yells down, “No shit? What should I pack, mountain clothes or beach clothes?” She says, “I don’t care what you pack. Just get the hell out!”

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender

&#x200B;

"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"N...

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Retiring Mailman

The mailman is making his last rounds before retirement and he comes to the door of the prettiest woman on his route. She's standing there in a see through negligee and gestures for him to come in. She leads him upstairs where she gets undressed, removes his clothes and then screws his brains out.<...

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner.
After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans
over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wi...

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The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

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Here’s how you get the perfect prom date.

So you have the girl picked out, maybe not the prettiest to all, but in your eyes, wow. Now maybe not the hardest to get, but she still gives you butterflies talking to her.

Now you can’t simply walk up to her and ask, you gotta be smooth about it. After some thought you decide on flowers an...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Carl Marx dies.

Of course, he get sent to hell.

The devil at first doesn't care about him, but after a few weeks Karl starts organizing the demons sindacates.

After a month the demons start striking and they want their salary increased. The devil, fed up with the situation, decides to get rid of Karl,...

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A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.

&#x200B;

Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.
...

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A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"

The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but...

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A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with ...

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A guy is sitting in a bar when he sees a jar full of $50 & $100 bills

He turns to the bartender and asks what the jar is all about.

“You can put a $50 or $100 bill in there and get it back as well as win all the money in the jar if you complete three tasks that I give you”

The guy says oh alright and continues drinking his beer. A while has passed now a...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

Me: I've lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can't look up anything

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2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

A guy walks into a brothel...

...and says “I have a dollar, what can I get for this?”

The madam looks at him and his dollar for a moment before placing a large duck and a room key on the counter. The man is skeptical but he takes the duck upstairs and has the time of his life.

He comes back every day for the next...

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?".
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

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There is a man at a bar, the place is packed and he seriously needs to take a. Shit.

He goes to the bathroom only to find it out of order. He decides to go upstairs to the employee bathroom, that bathroom to is out of service. He goes up once again and all he finds is a hole in the floor. He said what the hell and squats to do his business. When he’s done he walks back down to the b...