I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent tied up in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.

But it doesn't make up for my childhood.

I like my women like how I like my wine.

10 years old and locked in the cellar.

What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After the passing of the Master Wine Taster, the director of a wine cellar decided to look for a new Master Taster

A dirty, old drunk came by and asked about the job.
The director, not wanting him near the patrons, thought that the easiest way to get rid of him was to give him the damn interview and get done with it.

The drunk was served a bit of wine, who in turn smelled it, took a sip and put the gla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny comes home from school

And tells his father:
-Dad, today I got 4 F's at school

Dad gets frustrated:
-Why, what have you done, what subjects?

J: English, Maths, PE and Religion.

D: OK, how did you get an F in English class?

J: Teacher said: Mary loves John. Mary loves Allan. Mary loves Ma...

I told my wife I was going down where the sun doesn’t shine and that I wasn’t coming back up until it had a good old spit shine.

Our cellar is long overdue a cleaning, you see.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

JOSEPH FRITZL: Why don't you write a book about basements you can't escape from?

It's bound to be a best cellar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

Monk error

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error i...

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

One day I was playing...

I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw str...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A burly gentleman walks into a pub and slams his fists on the bar.

He tells the barman that the pub hasn't paid its protection money, and his mafia boss has ordered him to collect.

The burly gent heads down to the cellar and starts wheeling out all the wine barrels. He loads them onto his van and drives off.

Later that day the burly gent returns and ...

Three Legged Pig

A traveller one day spotted a three-legged pig standing near a farmhouse. The traveller went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but how is it that pig only has 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that pig is very special. Very special. While back my wife was cooking something and she ste...

I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children

Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

A guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan welcomes him warmly and shakes his hand. He is given the keys to a gorgeous apartment, where he finds a brand new set of golf clubs, and a membership to the ritzy Hades Golf Club. He has servants to look after his every need.

In the garage is a brand new sports car and the fridge is sto...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man walks into a bar

and asks for a bottle of 40-year-old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of 10-year-old Scotch and figures that the man won’t be able to tell the difference. The man downs the Scotch and says, ‘This Scotch is only 10 years old! I specifically asked for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a basement full of liberals?

A whine cellar.

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish fo...

What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.

Recently, I've been trying to recapture my lost youth

I really need to get a better lock on my cellar door

I'm not drunk

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...


After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.


I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I treat my wife like a fine wine.

I keep that bitch locked in the cellar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four guys break down in the middle of nowhere

They set off walking to find help and come across an old decrepit Manor House.
When they knock on the door a stunning, young, buxom, woman answers.
The men ask if they can use the phone to call for a tow.
She agrees and invites them in. They ring for a tow truck but are told one ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joke for Scotch Lovers

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of 100 year old scotch.

The bartender thinking the guy doesn't know any better grabs a cheap bottle and pours a glass. The man immediately spits it out and says "I told you I wanted 100 year old scotch"

The bartender figures the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't ask...

So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, "Momma, what's a purple donut?" She then gets this wild look in h...

32 Tanks Enter Ukraine From Russia

Ukrainian grandma says, "What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner? "

Ukrainian grandpa is getting another drink, but yells, "I don't know" from the cellar.

"There's only one dirtbag in a vacuum," she replies, but no one is in the room to hear her.

Directly to Jesus

One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young lad goes into the local pub..

...and finds old man McKeagan sitting at his usual stool. He asks him "old man McKeagan, what is it you're known for? Me da is O'Reilly the blacksmith, me brother is O'Reilly the carpenter. But no one will tell me what you're known for." Old man McKeagan slides off his barstool and says "Come with m...