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Attic Jokes

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...
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Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.

I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
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Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...
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Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes

Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.

Genie: granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: i wish i had...
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No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...
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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof
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The hut with an attic

The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

On...
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Found my old copy of Picture of Dorian Gray in the attic

It has not aged well.
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I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.



(I'll take my things and leave now..)
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What's old and hanging in my attic?

My grandpa
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What is brown and hides in the attic ?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
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A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. ...

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...
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After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...
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An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...

He said, “I will be dying soon, so I’d like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.”

The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belon...

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.
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Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud.

One genuine dad joke for your amusement!

I keep hearing strange music coming from my attic...

I went up there to check, but all I found was a Deadmau5....
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I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon
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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

Look down your shirt and spell ‘attic’ out loud

Hehehe..
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A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.
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I cleaned out the attic with my friend yesterday

Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of his hair!
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MOM! Dad hung himself in the attic.

April fools! He hung himself in the basement.

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A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painte...

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite kn...
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My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

Cleaning the Attic

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out!
We don't want

your type in here!''
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Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...
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An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .

The old lady said

- I want to be young and beautiful again

- I want to very rich

- my cat should become a handsome prince

Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and...
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I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.
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My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.
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Was cleaning out my attic yesterday...

...when I came across my old porn collection...

We just found an original Stradivarius and a previously undiscovered Rembrandt in my grandad's attic!

Unfortunately it turns out that Rembrandt made useless fiddles and Stradivarius couldn't paint worth a cuss.
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Clem and Lem

Here's one I heard a long time ago.

Clem and Lem's parents passed away before telling them the facts of life. On night, an attractive woman knocked on their door, complaining of car trouble and asked to spend the night. Clem showed her to the attic bedroom where she immediately stripped. Clem...
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I found my dad’s old hidden porn collection when we were cleaning out his attic.

Really vintage stuff. I’m glad I found it though, I had forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.

I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...

...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.

It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.
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An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what...
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My side hustle (building model boats in my attic) is going so well that...

I might have to move to new premises.

Sales are through the roof.
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a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.
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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

The other day, I was cleaning out the attic with my wife. Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs...

but I still married her
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Whats the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry survived the attic scene
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So I've been clearing out my attic...

... and I've decided to get rid of my hoover- it was just gathering dust.
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Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete
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The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...
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2 blonds are in heaven....

One asked the other: "how did you die?"

"I froze to death" said the second blond

"That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death...

We're getting ready to move and I just got all our junk out of the attic

One less thing hanging over my head
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A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of hi...

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

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You can't take it with you

A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does...

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An old lady was looking through the attic

And came across an old sexy Super Woman costume. Wanting to spark things up, she put it on and walked into the kitchen where her husband was sitting at the table. She lifted her skirt and said "Super Pussy!" Her husband looked at her and said "I'll have the soup".

----------

I snagged...

To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!
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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift...
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A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...
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In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...
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A man kisses his wife goodbye and leaves to work early in the morning

His wife calls her 2 lovers to come in just as her husband leaves. None less than 2 hours later the husband arrives.

"Quick hide, it's my husband" she says to the 2 men.

The first guy hides in the attic and the second one hides under the bed.

The man enters the bedroom seemingly...
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My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...
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Speaking of loft insulation

I had a man ring the bell the other day and ask if I was interested in getting felt up in the attic, so I punched him in the face and slammed the door.
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I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.
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I keep all my medicines in the ceiling

It's my drug attic.
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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

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A sailor arrives to a port city

He runs off to the closest brothel and begs the madam
“Madam, I just spent the last two years at sea with men only around me, I must be with a woman, but I only have 5 dollars, is there someone I can get for 5$?”

The Madam answers -
“Well, 5$ is way too cheap for anything… but, there is...

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
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Little Jimmy was visiting with his grandpa

They were both sitting in the living room and suddenly little Jimmy asked the grandpa:

- ‘Grandpa, what is a c*nt?’

The grandpa was a little bit shocked with the question. He checked whether the grandma was in the kitchen and took little Jimmy up to the attic. There, he moved few of th...
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What do you call a roof full of medicine?

A drug attic!
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An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...
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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.
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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

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Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April...

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Mom comes home and as she opens the door, her son runs to her, shouting...

Son, panicking: "Mom mom! Dad hung himself in the attic!"
Mom, shocked, out of breath and words runs all panicky towards the attic...
She looks to the right, to the left, over and over again,... yet there's no sight of this dreadful act taking place.
And just as she's about to angril...

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A guy and a hen enter a bar together

They sit down at the table. The hen has extraordinarily long legs.

The waiter asks the guy what he wants.

The guy, with a sad and tired expression asks for a black coffee and a slice of applepie.

The hen promptly says: "I'll have the same, thanks".

The waiter is amazed by...

Rich man tries to take his money with him.

A wealthy man decided he was going to try to take all of his money with him when he died. He got a large suitcase, filled it with cash, and put it in the attic. He was hoping to grab it on his way up to heaven. After he died, his family went up into the attic and saw that all his money was still sit...
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Rich old man prepares for his death

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He knew he was soon to depart this world, but he could not bear the thought of leaving his wealth behind.

So he summoned his wife and instructed her to visit the bank, withdraw a large amount of cash, and stash it in the attic in a burlap sack. "I'll just g...

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassi...
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A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...
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(pull your shirt collar forward and look inside)

Now, spell attic in capitals
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I’ve been with the same woman for five years!!!

She still doesn’t know I live in her attic.
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This lockdown is not bad as it seemed

Today I had a great chat with a web designer.

Can you guys believe, the guy lived in my attic the whole time!
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People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...
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Three crocheted dolls

Herb was tidying up the attic when he came across a box that he didn’t recognise.

He opened it up and found three crocheted dolls in it, lying on what looks like several hundred dollars of cash in small bills.

He takes the box down and asks Ruby, his wife of 47 years, whether she knows...
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My friend suddenly decided to have her dollhouse's interior roof checked for mold, and I thought...

...that's a little spore attic.
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Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.
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Women are like raincoats.

In a box in my attic marked "raincoats."
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There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.
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An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but fo...
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Dirty old man

Little boy playing in the attic comes across his dad's old welding goggles. "What are these Dad?". "They're my old goggles from when I was a professional welder". "Can I play with them, I could pretend to be a fighter pilot!" "OK, but don't go too far in the park there's some strange people about."<...

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Three army officers decide to camp near their base for a night...

There hiking up a hill when a massive storm rolls in, they need shelter, luckily for them they find a small, super run down, old, musty, cabin.

They enter the cabin, and it’s a disaster...

Everything is overturned, animals had clearly screwed the place.

But the storm was inten...

What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp?

One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics.

(Works best when said out loud)
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Mommy mommy! Daddy hanged himself in the living room!

*mom rushes to the living room*

Kid: Haha! April fools! He did it in the attic!
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Why should you never keep pharmaceuticals under the roof?

To avoid it becoming a drug attic.
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