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Can you spell ATTIC for me?

A titty I see

What's old and hanging in my attic?

My grandpa

Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

My side hustle (building model boats in my attic) is going so well that...

I might have to move to new premises.

Sales are through the roof.

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A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of hi...

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

When you are old you can always play the senility card

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On...

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Billy's mom comes home to see him crying. "Billy, what's wrong?" "Dad hanged himself in the attic!" replied Billy, eyes in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. "HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .

The old lady said

- I want to be young and beautiful again

- I want to very rich

- my cat should become a handsome prince

Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and...

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MOM! Dad hung himself in the attic.

April fools! He hung himself in the basement.

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

What's brown and hides in the attic?

The diarrhoea of Anne Frank.

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A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. ...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite kn...

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift...

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A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painte...

As a detective, I'd spent my entire career trying to decipher the code required to open a tamper-proof self-destructing brief case. When I finally cracked the code and looked inside all those years later, it was completely empty... I closed it and put it in my attic like all my other regrets.

It was an open and shut case.

My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400.

He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.

To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!

I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...

...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.

It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what...

I was in the attic the other day...

...and I found a Christmas present that I meant to give to my daughter a year ago.

It's a shame I forgot about it, she always wanted a puppy.

So I've been clearing out my attic...

... and I've decided to get rid of my hoover- it was just gathering dust.

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An old lady was looking through the attic

And came across an old sexy Super Woman costume. Wanting to spark things up, she put it on and walked into the kitchen where her husband was sitting at the table. She lifted her skirt and said "Super Pussy!" Her husband looked at her and said "I'll have the soup".

----------

I snagged...

Rich man tries to take his money with him.

A wealthy man decided he was going to try to take all of his money with him when he died. He got a large suitcase, filled it with cash, and put it in the attic. He was hoping to grab it on his way up to heaven. After he died, his family went up into the attic and saw that all his money was still sit...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

Cleaning the Attic

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out!
We don't want

your type in here!''

Man is granted 3 wishes

I didnt write this but I still want to share...

A man was digging through old junk in his attic and finds a lamp that he had never seen before. He starts to clean the dust off of it and then it starts to smoke and flash bright light. Finally a Genie comes out and says with a powerful voice,...

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says “Tell me son why are you here”

“Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you he...

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Two ladies in heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda!

2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
...

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

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Two men waiting at the gates

“2 men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the 1st guy “
How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the 2nd man. "You get the shakes, and...

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A new young monk comes to the monastery.

A new young monk comes to the monastery. An elderly monk shows him around the monastery and says:

- There's a library here. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

They go to the sauna.

- This is our sauna. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

The...

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Three army officers decide to camp near their base for a night...

There hiking up a hill when a massive storm rolls in, they need shelter, luckily for them they find a small, super run down, old, musty, cabin.

They enter the cabin, and it’s a disaster...

Everything is overturned, animals had clearly screwed the place.

But the storm was inten...

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Two men are standing a heavens gate...

.. The queue is moving slow and they get talking to one another.

"So how did you wind up here?", the first man asks the second.

The second man sighs and says, "I froze to death."

"Did it hurt? “ asked the first.

" Not really. You get cold, then sleepy, then just drift o...

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A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp?

One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics.

(Works best when said out loud)

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

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Tell me what you think of this joke.

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink when an extremely unique individual walks in.

He was surrounded by dozens of beautiful women, his body was covered in expensive jewelry, and his head was an orange.

Overcome by curiosity, the patron of the bar asks the newcomer, “Dude. What *h...

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How are you likin' these sons of bitches?

One day a fisherman in a small town begins to catch a new type of fish in his nets that he's never seen before. Since he wasn't going to waste fish that he'd caught, he decides to go ahead and cook them anyways and see how they taste. To his delight, the mystery fish are quite magnificent. He digs a...

What happens when you tell Annie Frank a knock knock joke?

She goes to the attic.

On the the 31st of October...

A group of friends were playing with an Ouija board in the attic of one of their houses. They lit 4 candles around the board and placed their hands on the planchet.

One of them asks: "Oh spirit of the board, how will I die?"
Silence followed...

Another asks: "Oh spirit of the boar...

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

A man and his wife get a divorce.

She lays claim to half of his things, so one afternoon he’s going through the last of their stuff in the attic. He separates what she wants and what he’ll take when he comes upon something she hadn’t mentioned. A small lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off and a genie pops out of it.
“You get three...

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

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A guy walks into a pub with a cat and a heron...

... and they all sit at the bar. The guy calls over the bartender and orders himself a beer. The heron orders a glass of wine and the cat orders a whisky but tells the guy he has got to pay. The heron and the cat take their drinks and sit at a table.

The bartender leans over to the guy and a...

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The lead actress for the local theatre adaptation of "Anne Frank's diary " was so bad...

That during the scene when the Nazi officer comes in and shouts " where is she ?"

Almost half the audience shouted " in the attic ".

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassi...

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Dead Hooker

A man enters a brothel with only 5$. He asks the madam what he can get for his 5$. She tells him he can fuck the dead hooker in the attic. Seeing as how he doesn't have much choice he agrees. 10 minutes later he comes downstairs and goes back to the madam. He says, "I don't think she was dead. Just ...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich

he goes up to the bar and say "I'll have a bud." The ostrich nods and goes "I'll have a bud too." The bartender shrugs and goes "That'll be $9.78" The guy reaches into his pocket, and without looking pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bartender. He counts it out and it's exactly $9.78. The ...

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

String of Cheese Jokes

Hear about the French cheese factory that exploded the other day? DeBrie everywhere.

They think it might be an insurance scam by the owner though he's a bit mental, painted his wife the other day! He Double Gloucester.

He even tried to start up a new business making clothes out of chee...

Why should you never keep pharmaceuticals under the roof?

To avoid it becoming a drug attic.

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Rich old man prepares for his death

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He knew he was soon to depart this world, but he could not bear the thought of leaving his wealth behind.

So he summoned his wife and instructed her to visit the bank, withdraw a large amount of cash, and stash it in the attic in a burlap sack. "I'll just g...

Mommy mommy! Daddy hanged himself in the living room!

*mom rushes to the living room*

Kid: Haha! April fools! He did it in the attic!

So a man walks into a bar with a 1-foot-tall well-dressed person behind him

The man pulls an electronic piano out of his pocket and sets it up on the bar, then sets up a tiny little stool. The foot-tall man takes a seat, cracks his knuckles, and begins to tickle the ivories in the most beautiful manner the bartender has ever heard.

As the sweet melodies resounded th...

What you get, your husband will get it 3 times more

A woman is cleaning her attic, when she finds an old lamp. Surely enough, she rubs it and a genie pops off and tells her:

"I can grant you 3 wishes, but be aware that anything you get, your husband will get it 3 times more"


The woman asks:

"First I want to be very beautiful"...

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...

A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and helps up a tiny man onto the bar, pulls out a tiny piano from his backpack, and the tiny man begins to play.

The more average sized man orders a drink and a few minutes go by until the bartender finally gives in.

"Alright, what's the deal with the pianist?" The barten...

She said "should I invite my mum down for Christmas?"

"No, leave her in the attic", I replied

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

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Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April...

Wife hanging from a rope.

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic. There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!" I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life. As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's no...

People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas

It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but fo...

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So a horse is watching MTV...

So this horse is watching MTV. This is in the 90s where MTV actually had music on it. Anyway, the horse sees a segment on Jimi Hendrix, and decides there and then he wants to become an internationally-acclaimed guitar player (because, as we all know, all horses are left-handed).

So this horse...

A boy wishes to be Batman...

One day, a small ten year old boy was playing with his favorite Batman action figures in his attic when he found a strange lamp. Noticing how dusty it was, he decided to polish it a little. Before he knew it, out flew a magic genie.

"Greetings!" said the genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I ...

Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."...

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DIY Gone Wrong

I was installing a light in the attic the today, when I slipped, and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend!

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August!

My wife said, "Come on now... It's not the first time you've been premature is it?"

"I know," I replied, "But I just get over excited sometimes.. I can't help it."

"Right.. Let's sort this out. I'll get the decorations down and you put the Christmas tree back in the attic until December."

Women are like raincoats.

In a box in my attic marked "raincoats."

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...

A genie appears from a lamp..

A man was dusting off a lamp he found in this attic when a genie appears. The genie grants the man three wishes but says whatever he gets his wife will receive double.

The man thinks and wishes for a new car. Poof. A new car appears in the man's driveway. And 2 more appear on the street for ...

My dad told me about the birds and the bees today...

Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic.

Once, in a far away Amazonian tribe,

where all the houses were made of grass, the chief of the land wanted more splendour.

Fortunately, a large deposit of gold was found by his miners. The king ordered his subjects to make the gold into a massive throne, with inlaid jewels and a massive headrest.

The people laboured on fo...

A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.

"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"

Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want...

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Series of Romanian Alinuta jokes.

Sup ya'll! I've translated some dark Romanian jokes about a girl named Alinuta. Any other Romanians who know more please share!

-Brother: Mom, Alinuta hung herself in the basement!
Mom goes and looks to find nothing.
Mom: She's not there.
Brother: April fools! She's in the attic! ...

A man and his wife have been married for 70 years

One day the man decides to venture into the attic, in the attic he finds a small box with four cloth dolls and one hundred thousand dollars inside. He took the box down to his wife and asked her about the box. She says that when they got married her mother told her to sew a cloth doll whenever she g...

[NSFW] I was seeing a girl once, five actually...

Then the sorority started looking into the strange sounds in the attic.

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