Secret Jokes

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is... read more

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ... read more

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea... read more

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside... read more

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil... read more

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i... read more

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h... read more

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t... read more

“How did you get in my house?”

FB ay ayay ay

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho... read more

German billionaire Karl Albrecht used to play golf a lot. In fact, he had a private golf club, because he was a huge fan of the sport. He lived 94 years.

American investor Kirk Kerkorian also loved sports. In his eighties, he was rated top 3 tennis player of the country in his age. He lived 9... read more

Who needs to know?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ... read more

Because he'll go shooting his mouth off.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 g... read more

Because i spilled the beans

But my wife says it’s because she’s the teacher and we don’t have kids.

...is in the delivery.

"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ... read more

1: never reveal everything you know

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i... read more

There’s one psycho and one logical person in each marriage.

First my granny dies, now this?

[remooved]

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in th... read more

Crossdressing

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

It was spam

His drag name is Miss Information.

Let her keep sleeping.

An accountant in a big firm had a very strange habit. Every morning he used to open his drawer, look at a paper, place the paper back in the drawer and then lock it again.

The trainees were very curious and often wondered if his success was hidden on that piece of paper.

So one day, w... read more

But first.

As he grew older, Einstein grew tired of giving the same interview, the same lecture, over and over again. His chauffeur recognizes this and says he knows Einstein's speeches inside and out, he is an amateur actor and began to recite them. Einstein was enthusiastic and for the following years Eins... read more

You're awfully nosy, aren't you.

He never heard the end of it

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn... read more

A ponzu scheme!

..it has lot's of support but no cup

Tennis Enlarger.

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

The Lord: Nice

...they'd even know my birth year!

duct tape.

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

A man goes to an old woodsman to learn the secrets of tracking animals. The woodsman agrees to teach him and takes him out into the forest.

A short ways in, the woodsman stops and crouches down to the ground. After a moment, he says, "A wolf came through here. An older male. Hunting alone." "... read more

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k... read more

One protects your secrets and one goes through your mail, and you'll *never* guess which is which.

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

1) Find a woman who can make you laugh.

2) Find a woman who can cook.

3) Find a woman who really listens to you.

4) Find a woman who is great in bed.

5) Make sure these 4 women don't find out about each other.

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

The Gland Canyon