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Secret Jokes

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 g...

There are only 2 secrets to success in this life

1: never reveal everything you know

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in th...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

The Secret Deal

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea...

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

"Donald! Duck!"

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

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Harry Potter and the secret of Riddle

"He pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:

tom marvolo riddle

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:

Mr. Tom, a Dildo Lover

"wait, shit, no," said Riddle."

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

The secret to ice fishing

A man gets an opportunity to go ice fishing for the very first time. He gets to the river, drills the hole, drops in his line… and has no luck. Meanwhile, another guy a little ways upstream is catching fish after fish.

“Hey, what’s your secret?” asks the first man.

The second man wave...

I thought my friends would be mad that I had a secret second wife.

Instead, they all said that it was big of me to do that.

(Thanks, Groucho.)

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he...

Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he s...

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

I got fired from the top secret Heinz factory the other day...

I spilled the beans.

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was ‘always leave them wanting more’…..

Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

What do you call the Mexican secret service?

FB ay ayay ay

I asked a girl if I could Slytherin to her Chamber of Secrets

She said that’s fine, as long as I don’t mind finding a basilisk down there.

The secret of long life

German billionaire Karl Albrecht used to play golf a lot. In fact, he had a private golf club, because he was a huge fan of the sport. He lived 94 years.

American investor Kirk Kerkorian also loved sports. In his eighties, he was rated top 3 tennis player of the country in his age. He lived 9...

The secret to a pizza joke...

...is in the delivery.

A nut wants to tell you a secret

You are minding your own business when you hear a "psstt" sound appearing to come from a bag of nuts in your pantry.

Enthralled with curiousity, you drop your ear into the bag and say "what??"

The mysterious sound responds... "stashio"

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

What was Jesus's secret hobby?

Crossdressing

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An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to ge...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

Secret but no secret.

Told my mom about something very
serious and told her not to tell dad. She told
my dad and then told him not to tell me and
my dad called me and told me he knowvs
and told me not to tell mom, so basically all
3 of us know but can't tell each other.

Starbucks and Victoria's Secret are collaborating on a new line of designer lingerie.

Coffee cups.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

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Did you hear that Victoria's Secret and Smith&Wesson are merging companies?

It's gonna be called Titty-Titty Bang-Bang.

[NSFW] Why can't you tell secrets to Kurt Cobain?

Because he'll go shooting his mouth off.

Why do Catholic priests keep their girlfriends a secret?

They're afraid of ex-communication.

Elderly Einsteins secret…

As he grew older, Einstein grew tired of giving the same interview, the same lecture, over and over again. His chauffeur recognizes this and says he knows Einstein's speeches inside and out, he is an amateur actor and began to recite them. Einstein was enthusiastic and for the following years Eins...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spen...

Why did the chicken cross the road with a secret document?

Who needs to know?

Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?

They say there was a mole among them.

What do you call colorful secret police?

The RGB

I asked 7 CEOs “what’s the secret to your success?”, and they all said the same thing:

“How did you get in my house?”

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code!

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

An Accountant's secret to success.

An accountant in a big firm had a very strange habit. Every morning he used to open his drawer, look at a paper, place the paper back in the drawer and then lock it again.

The trainees were very curious and often wondered if his success was hidden on that piece of paper.

So one day, w...

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

Want to know a secret?

You're awfully nosy, aren't you.

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A Woman Takes Her Secret Lover Home During The Day While Her Husband Is At Work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The ma...

A Pepsi exec convinced several of his competitor's employees to smuggle out their secret recipe.

He was arrested on charges of industrial espionage.

The others were charged as Coke-conspirators.

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

Yesterday my wife started screaming when i secretly sneaked into the bedroom after drinking all night with my friends

Apparently i turned up at the wrong house

The secret to marriage is that it’s all psychological.

There’s one psycho and one logical person in each marriage.

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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay

I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

I got an email offering the secret to reading maps backwards

It was spam

Secret Attraction

A short and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room. "Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely ample endowment. "What's that?" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your daddy's secret attraction. If...

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

Secret to long life

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.

The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13...

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

The 5 secrets to happiness for men....

1) Find a woman who can make you laugh.

2) Find a woman who can cook.

3) Find a woman who really listens to you.

4) Find a woman who is great in bed.

5) Make sure these 4 women don't find out about each other.

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

Johnny's little secret

One day Johnny's mom walks in on him while he was making out with his girlfriend.

Johnny was embarrassed and didn't want his family to find out he had his first girlfriend.

But his mom smiled and said, "don't worry Johnny I won't tell your father this will be our little secret."
...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

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The secret to a good love life

### Is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these three women never, ever meet each other.

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

Heard this at a wedding

A woman and her husband had been married for 60 years and had remained faithful and loving this entire time. However, the woman did have one secret; a shoebox in her closet. The shoebox itself was not a secret, but the wife had told the husband that he was never to open or ask about the box, so the...

Justin Timberlake is under pressure from the US government to reveal the location of his secret fishing villa in war-torn Ukraine.

His only response is, Crimea River.

It's ironic that Alex Jones hates the LGBT community when he's secretly a drag queen.

His drag name is Miss Information.

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Ancient Chinese Secret

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

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Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being wit...

Where do secretions go for vacation?

The Gland Canyon

Abraham Lincoln went to see a play without bringing the Secret Service

He never heard the end of it

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

What do you call a secret underground Soy Sauce smuggling ring??

A ponzu scheme!

I got banned from the secret cooking society…

For spilling the beans.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

What's the difference between the Secret Service and the Postal Service?

One protects your secrets and one goes through your mail, and you'll *never* guess which is which.

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

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Sharing Secrets

Tammy and Margo met for drinks at Happy Hour. After a few drinks Tammy said, I have to tell you a secret, I am getting a boob job.

Margo said, Wow, that is awesome. Let me know, and I will help you any way that I can.

After a few more drinks Margo said, I wasn't going to tell you, but...

Wife's secret money

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. Until one day...

For all ...

I just found out how TV announcers enter brothels. And I'll share that secret...

But first.

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

The secret to Pavlov's hair?

Just a classical conditioner.

(I hope the name rings a bell)

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What is your secret

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge ÂŁ20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, wh...

What is the name of the drug that Roger Federer uses in secret ?

Tennis Enlarger.

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Secret of long life.

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The ...

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a Âź mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.



"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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What's the secret to comedy? Timing.

Edit: *...shit.*

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest

It's his altar ego

A friend of mine gets a big raise every year. His secret? Always negotiate on a rainy day.

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i...

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

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A friend asked what’s the secret to eternal life?

Saying or doing something stupid on the internet. That shit will never be forgotten and you’ll go down in history forever.

How do you unlock the vault with the kfc secret recipe

With a kentuc-key

This is a top secret message

This is a bottom secret message

Why is the secret service called the *secret* service if everyone knows they exist?

Well they would be called the "public service" but their job is keeping Donald Trump alive.

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.

"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.

"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now....

I discovered the secret of randomness.

It's not what you expect

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