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Nightstand Jokes

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the ho...

I had one nightstand yesterday....

Thanks to the IKEA sale,today I have two

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Masturbating into condoms...

Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It'...

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder

So I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people

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Dad, what is the difference?

An eleven year old boy comes home from school and tells his Dad, "Dad, I keep hearing the boys at school use the bad words Pussy and Cunt but I don't know what the difference is."
Dad: "Go get that Penthouse magazine in my nightstand and I'll show you."
The boy runs off to get the magazine...

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A man wakes...

...with a horrible headache, a proper hangover really. He sits up and looks around. On his nightstand, he sees two aspirins and a glass of water. On his chair, he sees clean, ironed clothes. The whole room is completely tidy. On the table, he sees a note: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting in the kitche...

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A young boy walks in on his sister masturbating with a vibrator.

Innocent and confused about the anatomy, he asks, "What are you doing? Where is your penis?"



Not wanting to explain the real stuff, the sister replied, "I lost mine in an accident. I was just massaging the wound. "



The boy says, "You should learn from mom. She keeps her...

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

Did you hear about the guy who went to Ikea trying to pick up women?

He wanted a one nightstand.

My girlfriend told me she felt unappreciated….

I guess leaving a tip on the nightstand is not what she had in mind

Shopping for bedroom furniture while drunk

can leave you waking up just having one nightstand.

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

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Onenight a married couple are laying in bed.

The wife is under the blanket ready to sleep. Her husband reaches over to take a book from on top of the nightstand. As he reads he keeps moving his hand between his wifes legs, touching her private parts. She wonders if he wants to have sex, so she gets up and starts to take her clothing off. Her h...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

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A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

Dad, where did my name come from?

One day a man was sitting on the porch, reading a book while keeping an eye on his 3 kids who were playing in the yard. The eldest, Rose, comes up to him and says "Dad, I was wondering, why did you name me Rose?"

"Well you'd never believe it, but when you were born a rose petal fell from a bo...

One Morning

One morning, a guy rolled over, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a $20 bill on the nightstand and started to tiptoe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his p...

Ya wanna know how pathetic my life is?

I finally had a reason to get out a condom from my nightstand drawer... They had all expired.

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My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

Why did the lonely man go to IKEA?

He was looking for one nightstand.

This gorgeous blonde donated a bedside table to me.

She really didn’t want money, she said it’s just one nightstand.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are talking about their daughters...

The brunette says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she smoked."

The redhead says, "I found a fifth of vodka in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she drank."

The blonde says, "I found a pack of condoms in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't ...

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cops are sitting around the station bullshitting before a shift...

...and they are all discussing their best sex moves. The first cops says, "Guys I'll tell ya the best move. Keep a gun loaded with blanks in arms reach from your bed. When I was hitting my beauty from behind, I grabbed it outta my nightstand and fired a blank. She tightened up so fast, and we both c...

(NSFW) A woman goes to the clinic to get her "lips" done

We live in a day and age where everything is possible at the plastic surgeon. And this woman had thought to have something done about her "lips" (down there) so scheduled a meeting with the surgeon.

The surgeon evaluated her and said that it would not be a problem and she could have her oper...

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My friend finally got married at 45...

I asked him how his wedding night was:

- I fucked up so bad! When we were done, I got a 100$ bill and left it on her nightstand out of habit!
- Shit, what happened?
- That's when it got worst. She gave me back change!

--------

PS. Roughly translated from my native language...

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

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A man of the cloth was touring the country preaching.

He stopped at an unfamiliar hotel chain for the night and asked for a room. He took his room key and told the young woman working behind the front desk, "There better be bibles in the nightstand and the porn channels disabled."

She looked shocked and responded "No! They're normal you pervert!...

A Russian Couple's Nightly Ritual

Every evening for 20 years, when Mikhail and Valentina would go to bed, they would take a bottle of vodka out of the nightstand, pour a shot for each, knock it back, and go to sleep.

One night before bed, Mikhail goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and admire the beautiful night. But...

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The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . ...

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Vagina ears

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and does not want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from the operation and finds three roses carefully pla...

My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment more in the bedroom...

I don't know why she got so mad when I put my baking soda and vinegar volcano next to the nightstand.

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

So i brought home a piece of furniture last night...

but it left in the morning without saying a word. It was one nightstand.

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A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing, so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.

When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing he...

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THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the dea...

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A woman decides to prank his husband

So she writes a letter that goes like this:


"Im sick of your shit. Im leaving you, I cant stand you anymore, do not look for me, You are the worst mistake of my life"


She leaves it on his nightstand and hides under the bed to see his reaction.

When the husband arrives, ...

Wake-up Call

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man holding a shotgun on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he asked nervously.
“No, silly,” she said while nibbling away at his ear.
...

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The Sensitive Man

A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect. The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees.

They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bache...

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The Three Chinese Tortures...

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*

On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll e...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

You know what I want

A guy taking a overnight train settles down in his bunk in the sleeper car, he hears someone climb into the bunk below him. He looks down behind the curtain, its a beautiful blonde woman. She takes off her blouse and removes her falsies, she takes off her false eyelashes, she removes a fake eye, tak...

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

Moth Joke

A moth goes into a dietitian's office looking very unwell.


The dietitian goes, "What seems to be the problem?"


The moth replies, "Where to start, doc? Each day I wake up at 6:00 a.m. next to a moth wife I once loved, who I have slowly drifted away from over the days. Her once...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

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