A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

A penguin takes his car to the garage

A penguin takes his car in to the garage to get fixed and he goes to have an ice cream. The ice cream starts to melt and goes all over his face.

When he goes to pick his car up the mechanic says “you blew a seal”

The penguin says “nah it’s just ice cream!”

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

My brother works in the garage door business

I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.

He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.

Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.

I hope you found these puns to b...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale.

He gets closer and starts taking a look at the items on display when he sees this huge TV.

He walks up to the seller and asks him.

- "Hey how much does that TV cost?"

- "It's only 1 dollar."

- "Only ...

What do you get when a bee is stuck in a garage ?

Garbage.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

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With a seductive voice...

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a s...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that....

You've got issues going way back."

I had to get on the ladder to change a lightbulb in the garage this afternoon.

You could say it was the high light of my day.

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Your mama so stupid she tried kill herself in the garage with the car running...

Too bad she drives a Tesla.

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

My neighbor put up a sign that said "Huge Garage Sale"

Looks like a normal garage to me.

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

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The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

A little girl asks her mom; "Can I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

The mom replies "No, because she is on heat."
Unsure, the child asks "What does that mean?"
"Go and ask your father. He's in the garage." replies the mother.
The little girl goes and finds her father and says "Mom won't let me take the dog for a walk because she is on heat. What does ...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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I'm freaking pissed. Someone broke into my garage and the only thing they took was my limbo stick...

How low can you go?

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

What did the car say to the garage?

Can I come in you?

A man was helping his friend clean out his garage.

He noticed an amazing looking belt in the garbage can. It was black, with numerous stars and galaxies etched into it in intricate detail.

"Why are you throwing this out?" He asked.

His friend replied, "It is just such a waist of space."

I can’t do anything right, so I decided to end it all. I turned on my car, sat in my closed garage, and waited.

I’ve been in my Tesla for 14 hours so far and still nothing.

Mary Jane’s mom saw that Mary Jane had burnt the garage down.

Her mom said, “when your dad gets home you’re going to be in big trouble.”

And Mary Jane laughed and laughed because she knew her dad was in the garage.

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A therapist runs his business out of a parking garage...

He frequently meets people that are going through a lot.

I pulled into my driveway, and someone had painted a large number 3 on my garage door.

I thought, “That’s odd.”

Poor dog

I'm so sad. Stupid me. Yesterday i drained all the old gas out of my lawnmower and left it in a bowl beside the garage. Next thing i know, my dog drank it all then started running high speed laps around yard. He does about five laps, then runs right up to me and looks me dead in the eye, rolls over ...

The FBI has determined the rope in Bubba Wallace's garage was a door pull and not a noose.

I guess no noose is good news.

Today I read the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage wasn’t really a noose...

Fake Noose Media

I drove to the local garage to fill my car up...

I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there?!

I minded my own business filled my car up and went inside to pay.

As I was paying for my fuel, I heard someone...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

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Saturday morning I got up early, [long]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch. grabbed the dog. slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled...

The resemblance was uncanny!

A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, “Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.”

The man’s face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.

“Ar...

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

What's the difference between a Tesla and a dead hooker?

I don't have a Tesla in my garage.

I always feel kind of poetic looking for my car in parking garages.

Is it 2B or... not 2B?

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My wife of 25 years laughed when I said I still had the body of a sexy model.

Until she checked the deep freeze in the garage.

I asked the guy at the garage why it used to be 10p to put air in my tyres and now it's £1.50.

He just shrugged and said "Inflation".

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Came home to find my dog, Minton, had gotten into the garage and eaten all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

I left the garage door open last night

Someone stole my limbo stick.. didn’t know people can go that low.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

A garage should be called a Carage. And the parking spots closest to the door should be called CarKing spots.

Road rage should permanently be renamed to carnage.

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale.

They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

I slowed my car down before driving into a garage

I was arrested for braking and entering

A man is driving through the parking garage looking for a spot.

He isn’t having any luck. In desperation he raises his hands to the heavens and says “Lord, I know I haven’t been the best person. But I promise that I’ll be more loving to my wife. I’ll spend more time with my kids. I’ll even give up drinking! Just help me find a spot!”

As he turns the corne...

A dad reversing out of the garage.

“Ah this brings me back”

How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

An Arrogant Boss

The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.

Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."

The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."

The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a gli...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

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Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

Sven and Oli went to the lumber store

Sven went in and Oli stayed in the truck. Sven said to the lumberman, “I need a four-by-two”. The lumberman said, “Do you mean a two-by-four?”. Sven said, “let me ask my brudder”. Sven came back and said, “yup we need a two-by-four”. The lumberman said, “How long?”. Sven said, “huh?”. The lumberman...

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then do...

I went to park in a parking garage at a hospital the other day and the security guard stopped me and said "sir this garage is for badge holders only"

I said "I have a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

Drinking and driving.

Drinking and Driving



I would like to share a personal experience with my

friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and

embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have

unexp...

A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

I just had to pay £1 at the garage to pump up my tires.

That's inflation for you.

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

Before lecturing her Sunday school class on heaven and hell, the teacher asked her students "Do you know where girls and boys go when they do bad things"?

"Sure" a boy replied, "Behind Kristin's garage"

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into hi...

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

A guy is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. S...

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

Another two if I move my bike.

A man is walking along a beach when he finds something in the sand.

He kicks it over and sees that it’s a magic lamp. A genie comes out and tell him, “Since you found me, I will grant you 3 wishes, but since you kicked me the person you hate most will receive double that wish” The person who the man hated most was his boss, so the man asked for his first wish, “I’d ...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank

The bank gets robbed, and she gets shot three times in the stomach. She goes to the hospital and delivers three sons, everything is fine with them.


Thirteen years go by and her first son comes running up to her shouting, "Mom, mom! I just peed out a bullet!"


She tells him, ...

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the fro...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

A walruses car broke down.

While waiting for the mechanic to troubleshoot the problem he decided to walk to the ice cream parlor. He ordered a vanilla ice cream cone and ate it while walking back to the car shop. As he finished the last bite he realized he forgot to grab a napkin. As he desperately tried to clean his very sti...

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Three guys are sitting in a bar ...

When the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The ...

Painting job

A Sardar recently arrived in the US

and wanting to earn some money, decides to become a ‘handy-man’ and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to ...

I woke up one day, and wanted to go to the store.

I went to my garage and saw that my car wasn't there.


That day, I realized I shouldn't have bought a Ford Escape.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

Where do you leave your dog?

In the barking garage.

A man goes to a garage sale.

He walks up to a brand new 50 inch flat screen television for $1.

Man - "Is that TV seriously $1?"

Owner - "Sure is, even comes with surround sound!"

Man - "What's the catch then?"

Owner - "Well the volume is stuck on high and it's always going to be loud."

Man - "...

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