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Came home to find my dog, Minton, had gotten into the garage and eaten all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

A man is driving through the parking garage looking for a spot.

He isn’t having any luck. In desperation he raises his hands to the heavens and says “Lord, I know I haven’t been the best person. But I promise that I’ll be more loving to my wife. I’ll spend more time with my kids. I’ll even give up drinking! Just help me find a spot!”

As he turns the corne...

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

I can’t believe it, someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously though, how low can you go?

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

A dad reversing out of the garage.

“Ah this brings me back”

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

I went to park in a parking garage at a hospital the other day and the security guard stopped me and said "sir this garage is for badge holders only"

I said "I have a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC.

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC. She called her husband and said that she will return tomorrow to New York. Couple of days passed but the blonde didn't return. Worried, her husband started finding out what's the...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

Saving on Car Repair

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 \-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hou...

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

What the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies.

There isn’t a Lamborghini in my garage.

How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.

Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.

In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom wh...

A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"

The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife an...

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

A blonde drops her car off at a garage and then pops off to the bar. When she comes back she says "whasmatter wi ma car?"

"Piston broke"
"Okay, don't worry, I'll write you a cheque"

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"

"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

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Garage sale

A preacher and his wife go garage sale hunting one Saturday morning.As the wife looks around the preacher notices a nice looking push lawnmower for $20.He asks the man at the garage sale what's wrong with it.$20 is a steal if it works.The man said it works great if you can get it started but you got...

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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

A man was sitting in his car while it was running in his garage. He started to feel sleepy...

He was exhausted.

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

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So a busy office drone is feeling physically low, flaccid, out of sorts.

So a busy office drone is feeling physically low, flaccid, out of sorts. Goes to a therapist who says he has to get some exercise. But how? His weekends are taken up with ex-wife and shared kids, work is all consuming. How about running to work? Embarrassing. Silly. So how about running with a purpo...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

Little Johnny Asks His Mum About Magic.

Little Johnny goes to his mum after watching Penn and Teller and says “mum can you show me some magic?”.
His mum replies “ No Johnny, I’m too busy, go ask your father.”
Johnny runs out to the garage where his dad is working and asks “Daddy, will you show me some magic?”
Dad says “ No ...

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

A woman walks into a bank..

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Roy...

My boyfriend is a big car guy

And he’s fun to mess with.

There’s this really dusty Porsche in the parking garage at our apartment.

He looks at it and sadly says “I feel bad for that Porsche”

I responded, “what’s a sha?”

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

The snowstorm

This couple was watching the news and the weather report said there was going to be a snowstorm so if everyone can park their cars on the left side of road so the snowplow can come through the next morning so the wife did just that.

Then the next week the couple was watching the news during ...

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

A guy is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. S...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

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Little Johnny is hanging out with the older kids at school

When one of them starts talking about his ex girlfriend and calls her a cunt.

Little Johnny has never heard that word before.

Later at home, he tells his mother about the older kid calling his ex girlfriend a cunt. Johnny asks his mom, what is a cunt?

Little Johnny's mother does...

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Joe is looking to buy a motorcycle.

After several days he finally comes across a ten year old Harley. It is in mint condition,shines more then a new one. He asks the seller how he keeps it so nice.

"Simple, every time I go out of the garage, I put Vaseline on the chrome before it rains."

Joe buys the bike and the man ha...

Johnny's dad wanted Johnny to take a shower

Johnny's dad told Johnny to take a shower. "I'm scared, can I take a shower with you?" Johnny said. "No, son, that would be weird," his father replied. "Pleeeasee?" he cried. "Okay, okay, but just don't look down.."

Johnny, being the curious boy he was, looked down. "Dad, what's that?" he ask...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

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The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open.


"Hurry!" she cried. "Stand in the corner!"


She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.


"Don't move," she whispered. "Pretend you're a statue."

<...

A blonde is looking to make some extra cash

She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some

She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do

She goes up the huge ...

Penguin car trouble...

A penguin is driving his car when it starts to make an odd sound, so he pulls into a local auto garage and asks to have it looked at. The mechanic says it will take a while, so the penguin goes for a walk. The penguin is gone for some time, and on his way back decides to stop for ice cream. As so...

A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog

“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.

So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.

The man says, “This is interesting, but I wan...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

I’ve got an old project car that I named after my wife.

I haven’t turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.

What a woman she'll make

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make !

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "R...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

I saw a magic car the other day...

It turned into a garage!

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

I got kicked out of church

Apparently it’s “rude” to say going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Sex is somewhat like learning to fix a car

Some people learn it with their dad in the garage.

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A priest goes the mechanic....

He tells the mechanic "hey,I just brought in my car last week ,and since you guys worked on it it's been leaking all over the garage .the mechanic says "my apologies father.come back tomorrow we'll have it tip top for you."
The priest returns the next day and asks,"well, how is it?".
The ...

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

Facebook Friends . . .

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures o...

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

You're in luck, we just got a job opening . . .

A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealt...

Started a new job as a delivery driver today.

When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".

That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

Snow job

So an Eskimo ( Inuit if you live in Can ) took his broken snowmobile into the garage for some repairs. The mechanic checked it out then looked up at the fellow and said. "I think you blew a seal." The Eskimo quickly wiped his face. " No, no that's just frost!" he replied.

How do you find out if your dog or your wife loves you the most?

Lock them both in the garage for a few hours.

When you return, see which one is happiest to see you.

Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks...

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Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor repon...

The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF"

It's "g" as in garage

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A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."



To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

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