This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't n...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

Two kids in a sandbox.

A boy and a girl are playing in a sandbox. The girl stands up and her pants fall down.
The boy says,"What is that?" Pointing at her crotch.
The girl replies, " I dont know."
The girl heads home and asks her mom.
Her mom says, " That's your garage dont let any cars park in it."
The nex...

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage?

A lot.

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

Did you hear about the Blonde who tried to commit suicide in her garage by leaving her car on?

She owned a Tesla

A man was sitting in his car while it was running in his garage. He started to feel sleepy...

He was exhausted.

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?

Another two if I move my bike.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long] Parking garage.

One night, young Billy woke up to go to the bathroom. He hears noises coming from his parents' bedroom so he goes to check it out. He catches his parents in the middle of having sex.
Billy asks his dad, "Dad, what are you doing to Mom?".
His dad replies, "Can't you see? I'm parking my car in ...

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.

The seller responded, "One dollar."

"Wow, only one dollar?"

"Yep, one dollar."

Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.

"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.

"So ...

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

I just had to pay £1 at the garage to pump up my tires.

That's inflation for you.

A guy is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. S...

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into hi...

I like my women how I like my bicycles,

chained up in the garage.

Garage sales are garbage sales.

But the B is silent.

A man goes to a garage sale.

He walks up to a brand new 50 inch flat screen television for $1.

Man - "Is that TV seriously $1?"

Owner - "Sure is, even comes with surround sound!"

Man - "What's the catch then?"

Owner - "Well the volume is stuck on high and it's always going to be loud."

Man - "...

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

Why did the chicken cross the road into a parking garage?

He'd been through a lot

They say the person who left the car running in the closed garage committed suicide, but....

I'd say the cause of death was exhaustion

Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I’d been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowin...

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I haven't got a Ferrari in my garage

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"What's a man cave?"

Mt wife saw a beer sign in a garage we passed and said it must be a man cave. 5-year-old daughter asked, "What's a man cave?" Wife explained and daughter asked, "What about a girl cave?" I immediately responded, "It's called a kitchen, dear." Wife proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit outta my arm....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

A: I don'...

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

A blonde takes her car to the garage because its been making a funny noise

the mechanic has a look and says not much wrong, just sh!t in the carburetter
oh she says and how often do i have to do that...

I painted the garage with my girlfriend yesterday

Now I can’t get the paint out of her hair.

A New York Blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car...

The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage.

Moving forward we should be fine.

I started a garage band called Insufficient Memory

We really need a gig.

2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"

The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."

You're in luck, we just got a job opening . . .

A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealt...

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can ...

The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I f...

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage?

Audi

What happens if you put a mirror in a garage?

A mirage!

I got kicked out of church

Apparently it’s “rude” to say going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman and her husband find a magic mirror at a garage sale...

The wife asks the owner, "what's so special about this mirror that it's $50?" The owner says "it's a magic mirror, it will grant you any wish." After a little discussing the husband and wife decide to purchase the mirror.

They haul it home and hang it on their bedroom door. "Try it out," the ...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do you go to a black mans garage sale?

So you can get all your stuff back.

I saw a magic car the other day...

It turned into a garage!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest goes the mechanic....

He tells the mechanic "hey,I just brought in my car last week ,and since you guys worked on it it's been leaking all over the garage .the mechanic says "my apologies father.come back tomorrow we'll have it tip top for you."
The priest returns the next day and asks,"well, how is it?".
The ...

A penguin takes his car to a garage.

The mechanic tells him it will take about an hour to diagnose the problem. So, the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream shop for a treat while he waits.

He returns about an hour later and the mechanic tells him. "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin wipes his be...

14 years ago, my wife and I had our first child.

We were so excited. We have never had a child before so the parenting thing was new to us. The doctor came in and asked, “what will you name her?” I had a good idea, when suddenly my wife said “Love. Her name is Love.” I wasn’t so sure what to think of that, but I decided to go along with it. Love ...

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The Ultimate Revenge

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husban...

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A son goes up to his father,

And just turning 16, asks him "Dad, can I take the car? I'd really like to take this girl on a date."
His father looks at him, and says "Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I'm going to need from you.
First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

Started a new job as a delivery driver today.

When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".

That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF"

It's "g" as in garage

Facebook Friends . . .

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures o...

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A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."

​

To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

How do you find out if your dog or your wife loves you the most?

Lock them both in the garage for a few hours.

When you return, see which one is happiest to see you.

Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage?

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. W...

Snow job

So an Eskimo ( Inuit if you live in Can ) took his broken snowmobile into the garage for some repairs. The mechanic checked it out then looked up at the fellow and said. "I think you blew a seal." The Eskimo quickly wiped his face. " No, no that's just frost!" he replied.

My wife’s cheating, forgive me for those who know

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot rec...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor repon...

Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Late Christmas present

Dear Ben
While going through the garage to look for the Christmas tree I found a present I meant to give to you
I know it's a year later
But you would have loved this dog

Much love
Dad

I just drove my truck into a building!

Good thing I opened the garage door first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".

​

True story.

A penguin’s car breaks down in a small town.

Luckily he breaks down near a garage so he walks in and ask the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says he can take a look in about an hour and suggests the penguin hang out in the local Dairy Queen to kill some time.

The penguin walks over and orders a large waffle cone and starts to ea...

Arthur was looking outside as the snow begin to fall,

and his wife, Martha, yelled from the other room "They said on the radio we need to park on the odd side of the street for the plows tonight!"

"Ok, I'll move the car then!" and he moved the car to the odd side of the street.

A few nights later another snow storm was due. "Arthur, the ...

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hunter would know . . .

On a Saturday morning, a hunter got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, grabbed his shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was ...

The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW]George and Sarah had been married for 5 years

George and Sarah had been married for 5 years. It was a failing marriage. George couldn’t do anything in bed to impress Sarah and never got her to orgasm. He tried everything. As a last ditch attempt, he went to a psychic named Roxanne.

George asked Roxanne how to surprise Sarah in bed and g...

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a 23 year old blonde girl?

I don't have a Ferrari tied up in my garage.

A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault...

A hooker approaches a middle-aged man at the bar and says, “I’ll do anything you want for $50.”

He opens his wallet and says, “Paint my garage doors.”

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

Police officer

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 \-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Strange Anatomy

These two Italian brothers own a garage. They hire this Korean guy as a mechanic. One morning the brothers go to open the garage and they find the Korean guy in the alley and he's dead. They call the police.

Cop: What was his full name?
Tony: I don't know. We called him Park.

Cop:...

A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant...

... when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, th...

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one o...

Why a man should always choose a dog over a wife

No man should ever choose a woman when he can get himself a dog.

Want proof?

Next time they misbehave put your dog and your woman in the garage for and hour and lock the door. Which one is happy to see you when you come back?