As a musician I’m jealous sofas

They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably Edit:*about

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, “This one can seat three people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?”

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

I just stubbed my toe on the corner of the sofa...

...COUCH!!!!

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

This dude and his girlfriend are making out on the sofa

After a while it starts getting a bit more intimate and intense. He asks her should we take this to the bedroom? She’s thrilled and agrees. Only problem of they couldn’t work out the right angle to get the sofa through the door.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

What happens when everyone forgets your birthday

It is so sad when everyone forgets your birthday.

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.

My parents forgot too and so did my kids.

I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday....

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

i came home yesterday with 2 armchairs and a sofa that a kind man gave me in the park

my dad got angry at me for taking suites from strangers

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."

Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

In a conversation with my beautiful red haired graphic designer of a girlfriend if she could help me with some creative ideas for a novel I am working on...

...and as she always does, with a gentle smile and her head rested on my lap as we sit and watch parks and recreation box set on Netflix for the 3rd time. Her voice gently breaks in her soft Irish accent as she simply says "my darling boyfriend, your imagination is so vast and so great, you do not n...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Evening, husband sits on the sofa

Suddenly, a balcony door opens, and wife’s lover jumps in. He greets the husband and heads to the bedroom.

In the morning he goes out and tells husband:

“Your wife was kinda cold tonight”

“Well when she was alive she wasn’t that hot ether.”

My wife got hurt bumping into the sofa...

I called her an **ouch potato**.

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

Had a fight with my wife....

So I didn't let her sleep on the sofa with me last night...

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

my son came home with a free sofa and armchair today,

I've told him before never to take suites from a stranger.

This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs.

I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”.

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.

I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"





I said, " Thank you, I'll have chicken please"




She replied, "You're having soup, you fat goat. I was talking to my cat"

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I'm gonna ask Marvin Gaye to come make my sofa feel better

I need some sectional healing

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

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Looking Back

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, b...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

I told my mother I lost my will to live...

She then proceeded to find it beneath a sofa cushion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was getting very frustrated on the sofa, newspaper in hand.

"Honey, I need help with this crossword. Five letters, another word for 'rest' and 'loosen'. I can't get it for the fucking life of me!!"

"'Relax'" she replied.

I said, "Fuck off, I've been on this for hours now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today then I put it in the DVD player But all I saw was some guy sitting on a sofa holding his dick

then I realized that I didn't switch on the TV

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was very disappointed when I settled down for a good ......

Was very disappointed when I settled down for a good wank, as i discovered that all I could get was a dark video of a fat naked man sitting on his sofa with his cock in his hand.....

...turns out I had forgotten to turn the TV on.

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

Dating is cuddling on the sofa.

Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

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A man comes home from work and plonks himself on the sofa, in front of the tv.

"Quick, get me a beer, before it starts" he tells his wife.

His wife goes off to the kitchen, gets him a cold can of beer, and brings it over.

He cracks it open, drinks it down in one long gulp, smacks his lips, and says to his wife "That was good. Now, bring me another beer, before it...

There was this company names "sofa king". But we didn't buy anything from them because...

the prices were sofa king high.

Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and escort you out of IKEA.

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I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."

"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me."

I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."

She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bastard!!"

Fucking great.
£1500 this engagement ring cost me.

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

What a the difference between a sofa and a guitar player?

The sofa can support a family.

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

What has four legs and is man's best friend?

A sofa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

I like watching horror films behind the sofa.

That way my neighbours don’t know I’m there.

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

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A Joke I've Translated From British Sign Language

Jake and Harry are a gay, teen couple. One day Jake's parents announce they will be going on holiday for the weekend and the house will be empty.

Jake and Harry jump at the chance to get plenty of alone time and spend the weekend having non-stop anal sex.

On the sunday morning Harry re...

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)

The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the so...

I’m not prince barstool tired...

I’m not Queen deck chair tired

I’m sofa king tired

A woman comes home late

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom. To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her h...

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A man in a motel called for a prostitute.

The pimp replied " $50 for an ugly one, $500 for a pretty one. " The man wanted an ugly one.

She arrived and undressed herself and was told to sit naked on the sofa overnight.

In the morning, she asked "Why did you call me to come here? "

He replied " There are too many mosq...

Top Tip

Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

Yesterday was my birthday

...and it was like every other day. I woke up and went downstairs, the wife made me coffee and breakfast but didn't wish me a happy birthday.

I helped get the kids ready for school and dropped them off on the way to work, but they didn't wish me a happy birthday either.

I thought I w...

Another Parrot Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “...

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My Wife Was Sitting On The Sofa Last Night...

... reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"
I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."

Coronavirus

This thing is getting crazy, I just got two round trip tickets to see my family. And a trip to mexico, all for the price of the coins I found between my sofa cushions. It really just goes to show you that whatever you want in life, China will always make it cheaper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.

"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of...

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

How ironic. My wife's niece got pregnant...

on a pull-out sofa.

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

Husband proudly announces to his wife:

- Honey, I decided that it is time for me to drastically change my life position!

Wife, who knows him better than anyone, sarcastically asks:
-Are you sure sitting on the TV and watching the sofa is a good idea?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple finds itself out of money, so the wife says to her husband : Honey, we're out of money, so i'll do it. You know : go out and have sex with whoever is willing to pay me for it.

The husbands sighs and, having no better idea, says okay. The whole night he can't find the sleep and is waiting for his wife to return. At 4 in the morning, the door opens, and his wife, totally exhausted, stumbles in and falls dead on the sofa. Eyes closed, she holds her husband the money she made...

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Ferret...

Man walks into a bar with a small wooden box, places it on the bar and orders a drink.

The barman asks “what’s in the box?”

“A ferret” the man replies

“Sorry sir but you need to leave, he could get out and bite one of my customers!”

“No, no he’ll be fine, he’s very well ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says,
"Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first."
The men mumble agreement, and the first man says;
"Well, I've...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

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Little Johnny cussed all the time....

And his parents told him, "If you keep on cussing, all you'll get for Christmas is shit."

He didn't seem to care and kept cussing.

On Christmas morning he looked under the tree - a pile of shit.

He peeked behind the sofa - another pile of shit.

He checked every closet - n...

Doctor! Doctor!

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a dog!" "Have a seat and we'll talk." "But I'm not allowed on the sofa."

"Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a roll of film." "Well let's more as this story develops."

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a curtain!" "Calm down. Pull yourself together."

Serious Case

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an aged 18 year ol...

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Heaven or Hell?

A man died and later woke up in a large, sparse room. He looked around to see if he was in heaven or hell, but there were not many clues. The only things in the room were a TV, a sofa, and another man sitting on the sofa and watching something on the TV. He walked over, said hello, and asked "Is thi...

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