This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

my son came home with a free sofa and armchair today,

I've told him before never to take suites from a stranger.

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

Yesterday, two young men wearing name badges knocked upon my door. Naturally, I told them to come in, sit upon the sofa and make themselves comfortable.

But when I proceeded to lie down across them, I discovered that they had not succeeded.

If King Awesome sat on a couch

He'd be Sofa King Awesome.

What did the happy couch say?

Sofa, so good

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and escort you out of IKEA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work and plonks himself on the sofa, in front of the tv.

"Quick, get me a beer, before it starts" he tells his wife.

His wife goes off to the kitchen, gets him a cold can of beer, and brings it over.

He cracks it open, drinks it down in one long gulp, smacks his lips, and says to his wife "That was good. Now, bring me another beer, before it...

How do you turn a normal sofa into a sofa bed?

Forget your girlfriend's birthday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was getting very frustrated on the sofa, newspaper in hand.

"Honey, I need help with this crossword. Five letters, another word for 'rest' and 'loosen'. I can't get it for the fucking life of me!!"

"'Relax'" she replied.

I said, "Fuck off, I've been on this for hours now."

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.

I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV

when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘what you like for dinner my love,chicken, beef or lamb?’

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken please”

She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!’

What a the difference between a sofa and a guitar player?

The sofa can support a family.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today then I put it in the DVD player But all I saw was some guy sitting on a sofa holding his dick

then I realized that I didn't switch on the TV

Dating is cuddling on the sofa.

Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

The inventor of the Red Solo Cup had died.

His body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death.

You CAN decorate your sofa with pictures of Death in a hooded cloak...

But there will be grim repercussions.

waiting on the sofa... naked.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She ask...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just sat my girlfriend down on the sofa and said, "There's something I need to do."

"What is it?" she asked, "You're scaring me."

I said, "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore."

She immediately jumped up, punched me in the face and ran out of the house screaming, "Never talk to me again you bastard!!"

Fucking great.
£1500 this engagement ring cost me.

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)

The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the so...

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Wife Was Sitting On The Sofa Last Night...

... reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"
I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a little girl was watching cartoon when a porno came through

The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake." Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out And the girl said "Look mommy they are baking a cake!" The next day the girl says "Mommy you and Daddy were baking a cake la...

I like watching horror films behind the sofa.

That way my neighbours don’t know I’m there.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

In 2019 I took New Year resolution that i will only tell furniture jokes

And sofa so good.

Birthday cake

A little girl is walking to the zoo with her mom when they pass by 2 dogs in a yard screwing.

"Mama! Look at those dogs! What are they doing?"

"Don't worry, sweetie, they're just making a birthday cake."

​

After they get to the zoo, they go to see the monkeys...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two best friends ( guys ) were together walking towards heaven.

One of them asked - How did you die? The other one said that he committed suicide .
The other friend was shocked and asked what happened , he said -" i went tO my girlfriend's place "
"As i entered i saw a pair of shoes that were not mine . My gf lived alone so i thought she was cheating on m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Clara was on a cruise by herself for vacation.

She was at the railings, staring at the ocean, watching the sunset. Then, a man walked down the stairs, watching her. He decided to start talking to Clara.

​

"Maam, you hsve very pretty eyes. Would you like to go eat dinner with me?"

​

Clara blushed ...

Why he left his last job

So I was talking to my new colleague about why he left his last job. He said "Well here's the story. Last week was my birthday. But neither my children nor my wife wished me. I went to work, and my friends and colleagues also ignored me. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. But then my beautiful ...

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

Hi Steve

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you kn...

Good-for-nothing

Husband: What are these good-for-nothing broken condoms doing on the sofa?
Wife : For god's sake , Thier names are John and Mary.

Jesus take the wheel

Carlos and Jose help me carry the sofa

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl and her mom are walking through the park

As they reach the middle of the park the little girl looks over and she sees two people off to the side having sex, she turns to her mother and asks "Mommy what are they doing?" Her mother didn't want to explain sex to her at such a young age so thinking off the top of her head she quickly responds ...

For my girlfriend's 25th birthday I got a bloke to come over to our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, the bloke said, "There's this pub nearby, it's good but the people there are kind of loud, obnoxious, 2/10. Then there's a club a few miles down the road. Huge venue with loud music and expensive drinks, 7/10. Then even further away, perhaps four or five miles out, the...

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in pani...

Tereasa May, the kind of negotiator......

To walk into DFS and walk out with a full price sofa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The family is at the dining table.

The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….

​

After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”

Silence around the table.

“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.

A long silence again.

&#x20...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked into my grandparents house

and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. "Grandad," I said, "You promised me that you'd spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed."

"I did," he replied, "Doesn't your nan look great!?"

What’s the difference between a futon and a crouton?

One’s a little sofa bed, the other a little floater bread.

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband wakes up with a brutal hangover

When he enters the kitchen he sees that his wife made him an incredible breakfast. She smiles at him, gives him a hug, a kiss and whispers in his ear "I am sending our kid to the grandparents for tonight. I will have something special for you, don't expect any sleep." Then she leaves for work.
...

Married 25 years

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

Couple goes golfing

A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf, unfortunately she hacked the first shot the window of the biggest house next to the course. The man cringed "Now we'll have to go up and apologize and see how much you've cost us".
So the couple walk up to the house and knock. A warm voice said...

I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating.....

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me

“what are them doggies doing daddy?”

Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I bl...

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

“Broken condom”

Husband: “Honey, why is there a broken condom laying in the sofa?”

Wife tensed: “Where?”
She goes out to check and return

Wife: “For God sakes, stop calling our son a broken condom!”

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer jones: “Well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table.” ...

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

Save money instantly

by turning your sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dirty man

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my girlfriend was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so sexy I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says,
"Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first."
The men mumble agreement, and the first man says;
"Well, I've...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking his son through the park...

... when his son notices two teenagers having sex on a bench.

He says "Dad, what are those two doing?"

The dad turns his head in the direction of the teenagers and stutters "They're, umm, making cakes".

The son seems satisfied with this answer and they continue walking in a diff...

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers...

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I learnt two things today:

1. Sofa sex can be wild and exciting.

2. The staff in DFS are quite narrow-minded.

A 12 year old boy comes home from school

He enters the home and his parents are sitting on the sofa together clutching hands.

“Sit down son we have something to say” says the dad

The boy sits down.

“You’re adopted” the mother says.

The boy sighs and tears up and asks “why didn’t you say so before? I’ve always wo...

There were three balloons...

A mummy balloon, a daddy balloon and a baby balloon. The mummy and daddy balloon were watching TV and sitting on the lovely two seater sofa. The baby balloon ask his parents 'can I please sit on the sofa with you?' his father replies 'no, son. There is simply not enough room on the sofa for you.' De...

"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....

"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.

"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."

A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says

"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"

"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing

"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good ...

Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could h...

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

The man who invented the remote control has sadly died.

His body was found down the back of the sofa.

I just wanted a beer but I woke up at the hospital

I was at the sofa watching TV with my wife. Then I asked her if she could bring me a beer, and she said no because she didn't want to miss that part of the soap opera. Her phone was recharging at the kitchen, and it starts ringing. She got up really fast and ran to the kitchen. "Hello", she said. "S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband comes home late at night....

and he's piss drunk. His wife had been telling him to come home early, so to avoid her wrath, he passes out on the living room couch.

The next morning, he wakes up to the smell of bacon cooking. As he groggily makes his way toward the kitchen, he's greeted by his wife's smile.

"Good mo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun is walking down a street...

...when she suddenly trips over and lands in a dirty puddle and gets covered head to toe in muddy water. Flustered she goes to the nearest house to ask to use their shower. She spots an open window and pops her head through. To her surprise she sees a man furiously masturbating on his sofa. The nun ...

A young man picks up a Chinese girl...

...after a few drinks, he sees her home, she invites him in, pretty soon they are in a clinch on the sofa, things are getting hot and steamy and their clothes are starting to come off. She grins at him saucily and says "Anything you would like?", he thinks for a moment and then says "I'd love a 69!"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

I went to see an escort last night...

She advertised "a real girlfriend experience."

When I got there, she opened the door and said, "You're late. I bet you've been drinking at bar again."

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

How do you describe an owner of a couch store who's sleepy?

He's SofaKing tired

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three dogs

Three dogs, a German Shepherd, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The German Shepherd turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
"I'm a pisser," the Boxer replies, "I piss on everything - the sofa, the ca...

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

Three Labradors at the Vet - NSFW

A Chocolate Lab, Yellow Lab, and Black Lab are all at the Vet. The Black Lab looks at the other two and asks, "So, what are you guys in for?" The Yellow Lab says, "Well, I'm a chewer. I chewed the shoes, I chewed the golf clubs, final straw, I chewed a hole through the new leather sofa....I'm her...

My wife's a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room

Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed