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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

Man, I really love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

In 2019 I took New Year resolution that i will only tell furniture jokes

And sofa so good.

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

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The black guy from next door keeps beating the fuck out of his wife with cheap Swedish furniture.

I call him Ikea Turner.

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

What's Irish and lives in the garden?

Paddy O'Furniture

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home, the tables were turned.

A man hurries into the bedroom.

He yells: "Quickly, Emma! Put your clothes on! We need to leave, the house is on fire!"

A muffled voice can be heard from the armoire: "Rescue the furniture! Rescue the damn furniture!"

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

Why did Trump's IKEA furniture keep falling apart?

Fake screws

Why did the furniture store donate so much?

They have a lot of chair-ity

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

My parents said I could never rearrange furniture for a living

Oh how the tables have turned!

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

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DAD'S FURNITURE FIX

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite...

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

What language does furniture speak?

Forniture Polish.

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.

It'll be the best around, Bar None.

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Furniture

A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a sexual sofa."

The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"

The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a sexual sofa, my husband said he'd like a...

What piece of furniture can you always trust?

A Reputable.

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...

What do you call outdoor Irish furniture?

Patty O' furniture

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There is a woman, she is dying in her bed in her home.

Her husband is by her side, weeping.

“You know what I would like, before dying? She asks. I’d like to make love to you one last time”.

The husband agrees.

They start slow, gentle, but taken by their passion it becomes more frenetic. He start taking her in several positions, then...

Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell?

Elrond's cupboard.

A furniture-maker got caught by his wife coming in at 4am

"Damn it, Jesse! I will not let you ruin our marriage over one night stand!"

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Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the **PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU FUCKEN BITCH, I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD!!**

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

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Furniture Store

Black guy walks into a furniture store. A salesman rushes over to help him.

Salesman: "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"

Black guy: "Yes, I"m looking for a recliner."

Salesman: "La-Z-Boy?"

Black guy: "No mother fucker, I just want to sit down."

furniture disease

i just got home from the doctor's and i have really bad news.
turns out i have the furniture disease.
its where your chest hangs down past your drawers

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

So i brought home a piece of furniture last night...

but it left in the morning without saying a word. It was one nightstand.

Do you know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her when she got in trouble?

They rearranged the furniture.

Two men are new to a philosophical nudist colony . . .

In order to break the awkward silence, one man says to the other:

"Have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "Indeed! I think it's the wicker furniture."

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I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

God creating humans

God: They will walk on 4 legs

Angel: Give them 2 legs and 2 arms

God: Ye, you're right

Angel: But give them toes

God: Why?

Angel: For the furniture, trust me it will be hilarious

God : LMAO, nice idea

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

Closing brothel

In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture. Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there. So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go ...

When God was creating man he said to assistant

Put little toe on his feet too.
Assistant: why?
God: for furniture.
Assistant: furniture?
God: just put it on you will see it would be pretty funny.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke....

What’s Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O’Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

Whats irish and stays out all night.

Paddy-o furniture!!!

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shoppi...

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