UPJOKE
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I love my furniture!

Me and my recliner go way back

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[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems"

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

What do you call an Irish outdoor furniture salesman?

Padi O’Furniture

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

Why did the proctologist go to the furniture store?

For a stool sample.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O’Furniture

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Shopping for bedroom furniture while drunk

can leave you waking up just having one nightstand.

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My doctor asked for a stool sample....

...and got mad at me when I handed him a tiny chair. Now I'm banned from the doctors office and still don't know why I'm pooping out furniture.

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My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

A friend of mine works making furniture

He fell into the upholstery machine.Took a while to get him out, but he's all recovered now.

I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture.

I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.

This furniture store keeps calling me…

all I wanted was one nightstand.

Banta the Furniture dealer



Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.


After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

Birthday

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie ...

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

A divine mathematical story

After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".

The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from y...

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What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said ‘Mimics.’

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

What are jingoists' favorite furniture?

A wardrobe

What’s Irish and sits on your porch?

Paddy O’Furniture.

Bonus joke: Never lend a leprechaun money; they’re always a little short.

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

My wife and I can't have children.

We have white furniture.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

Me and my friend went to a furniture store

I asked him why he was buying nothing and he said "im just window shoping".

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

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What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

Whoever stole my furniture polish, rest assured this isn’t over. I will find you.

That’s my pledge.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

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The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

A man with a scat fetish walks into a furniture store

He asks where the stool is

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Yo mama so fat...

When she needs furniture she goes to a blacksmith.

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

I have decided that I will be telling jokes about furniture this year

Sofa, so good

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

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"Doctor! You gotta help me! I'm shitting small furniture!"

Doctor: "I'm going to need a stool sample"

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

When god created the world, the prototype human was almost finished.

Then he said to the responsible construction angel: "Put little toes on them" "Why that?" "For the furniture, you'll see that it's going to be fun."

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearrange the furniture

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

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My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

What do you call an Irish lady who’s always out on the back deck?

Patty O’Furniture

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

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Furniture Store

Black guy walks into a furniture store. A salesman rushes over to help him.

Salesman: "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"

Black guy: "Yes, I"m looking for a recliner."

Salesman: "La-Z-Boy?"

Black guy: "No mother fucker, I just want to sit down."

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

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