What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

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What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

Man I really love my furniture...

Me and my recliner go way back.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture, but when I got home...

...the tables were turned.

Whoever stole my furniture polish, rest assured this isn’t over. I will find you.

That’s my pledge.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

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What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

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After six months of a man feeling his wife drifting away...

He comes home one night to find all the appliances in the house is brand new. He asks his wife whats going on and she just shrugs. Next night he comes home and all furniture have been replace... wife shrugs him off. Wednesday night and he finds a brand new car And pick up in the driveway ( the very ...

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

A Special Table

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any a...

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

I remember when I divorced my wife...

.. she insisted on dividing everything up fifty-fifty. She took half the dishes; I took half the dishes. She took half the furniture; I took half the furniture. I mean, right down to the pets. She wanted half the cats; I got half the cats. She wanted half the fish; I got half the fish. She even wa...

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

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I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

Pickup line

If you were my little toe, I'd bang you on every piece of furniture

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A man steps into a confessional...

Forgive me father, for I have sinned!

Speak my child, tell me your sins.

Well you see, a lady asked me to help her out with moving her furniture, and then it started to rain, so she told me to stay, apparently she didn't want me to get wet. And so I stayed, and fucked her.

Go on...

I have decided that I will be telling jokes about furniture this year

Sofa, so good

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

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One day a father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
"We have: Work Out Barbie , Shopping Barbie , Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie , Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Skater Barbie a...

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs?

His name is Paddy O'Furniture

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

Polish is a lot like Finnish

Theyre both used to make furniture shine

I was asked to make a joke about wood furniture.

It wasn't veneerly as difficult as I thought. The joke was Oakay but lacked polish.

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Why should you never go in to a furniture store with a constipated man?

He can never pass a stool

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was a kid?

Moved the furniture around.

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Wedding night (slightly offensive to kangaroos)

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides make a profile on a dating site.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entir...

A trip to Paris

Rufus, a furniture dealer from St Catherine, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.  To celebrate t...

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

What do you call an Irishman who builds outdoor chairs?

Paddy O’Furniture.

My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products.

She had clear vinyl on her furniture

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My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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A man walks into a bar

This is a long'un. Strap yourselves in.

A man walks into a bar and notices a large jar on the counter filled to the brim with cash, $50's, $20's. Must be a good few $thousand in the jar. The guy orders a drink and asks about the jar on the counter. "Oh that's for anyone who can beat the three...

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

If you know any poltergeist in need of a job, please send them my way

I have a moving company that could use some entities that have experience moving furniture.

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

Doctor Doctor, I Feel like a dog.

Doctor: Hop up on the Bed and ill examine you.

Patient: No.

Doctor: Why Not?

Patient: I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

I regularly mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road.

I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners head.

It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn’t know what’s in them. During this whole time the owner ...

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

A Blonde wife walks in to her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.
"Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.
"Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.
"Because the man on the tv knows what I'm doing. Every...

What language does furniture speak?

Forniture Polish.

Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

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