I love my furniture!

Me and my recliner go way back

This furniture store keeps emailing me...

All I wanted was one night stand!

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

The salesman at the furniture store told me....

This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

What are jingoists' favorite furniture?

A wardrobe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearrange the furniture

A friend of mine works making furniture

He fell into the upholstery machine.Took a while to get him out, but he's all recovered now.

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said ‘Mimics.’

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

What do you call an Irish lady who’s always out on the back deck?

Patty O’Furniture

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is Ikea furniture like masturbating in the living room?

In the beginning it seems like a great idea but in the end you just end up feeling ashamed with a mess on the carpet.

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.

A few rounds in, thin...

Me and my friend went to a furniture store

I asked him why he was buying nothing and he said "im just window shoping".

Are you my pinky toe?

Because I want to bang you on every piece of furniture in the house.

Whoever stole my furniture polish, rest assured this isn’t over. I will find you.

That’s my pledge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

The Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the ...

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

One Liners & Zinger Help Request

Hi everyone. I don't know if this is allowed. If not, pls recommend where I can go.

I work in a furniture store and we want to have fun with our outdoor sign. One liners or zingers. PG13.

Give it your best shot, furniture based. The best jokes are always in the comments.

I'll go...

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

Frank’s old dog Spot …

.. had a bit of a trouble sometimes winding his way through the furniture without bumping into something now and again. Growing concerned, Frank took him to the veternarian for an examination.


“What seems to be the problem?” asked the vet.


“Well,” said Frank, “I am concerne...

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

IKEA uses almost 18 million cubic yards of wood for their furniture.

Do you know that if you collated all of that wood...

You could just about build a tree house for James Corden?

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?

Patty O’furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Joke About A Ranch

An amatuer rancher has 3 chickens, 2 hens, 5 cows, 2 bulls, 4 sheep, and 6 buffalo.

One day, him and his ranch hand went to the market to get ranch supplies, but they left their back door wide open.

When they got back, they walked inside and found a huge mess.

The furniture was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

Whenever I'm feeling down at work

I spray my Pakistani colleague in the face with some furniture polish.



It never fails to brighten Mahmood.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

I have decided that I will be telling jokes about furniture this year

Sofa, so good

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple doesn't have enough money to get through the month.

They try everything to earn some income. They put their furniture up for sale, but no one wants it. They ask friends and family for help, but no one supports them.

In despair, he says to her: "Unfortunately, I don't see any other way... You have to prostitute yourself, that's our last option!...

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

What do you call an Irishman who sits around your back yard all day?

Paddy O’Furniture.

An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before.

She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all...

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

I was asked to make a joke about wood furniture.

It wasn't veneerly as difficult as I thought. The joke was Oakay but lacked polish.

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Why should you never go in to a furniture store with a constipated man?

He can never pass a stool

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "...

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts!

That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

Why did Trump's IKEA furniture keep falling apart?

Fake screws

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young woman in her short, pink mini-dress.

Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working gir...

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

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