UPJOKE
tablefurnishingneolithicbedchairlawn furniturebedsteadpaintingslampcarpetfurnishingsoakrenaissancebaroqueclothing

I love my furniture!

Me and my recliner go way back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

Who won the furniture competition?

It was a drawer

The furniture store keeps calling me

I only wanted one nightstand

Whats a dogs favorite piece of furniture?

The "bark-a lounger"

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems"

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

What do you call an Irish outdoor furniture salesman?

Padi O’Furniture

In the old west

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

\- “Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

\- “Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in...

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

Dog Rules....

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay OFF the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furnitu...

If you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

This morning I screwed huge up when my wife asked me if I'd remarry if she died.

"What a question!" I replied, "Why are you talking about dying on such a beautiful day?"
"But really though, would you get married again?" she said.
"Maybe, I don't know, maybe yes," I replied.
"Hmmm," she said, "Would you sell our house?"
"No," I replied wondering what had broug...

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture.

Shopping for bedroom furniture while drunk

can leave you waking up just having one nightstand.

Why did the proctologist go to the furniture store?

For a stool sample.

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

I've always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavours....

.....and furniture polish is made from real lemons ?

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

A friend of mine works making furniture

He fell into the upholstery machine.Took a while to get him out, but he's all recovered now.

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

Banta the Furniture dealer



Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.


After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

paranoid fantasies

A woman is laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says, "I want to talk about these paranoid fantasies you've been having of being stalked by a man who is disguising himself as furniture. How long have you been having these delusions?"
The woman says, "About 5 months."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture.

I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.

Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation

what is this?

"its human"

what is that 2 round thing?

"it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

and this thing?

"it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did"

and this?

"it's toe, for the furniture"

what furniture?...

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor asked for a stool sample....

...and got mad at me when I handed him a tiny chair. Now I'm banned from the doctors office and still don't know why I'm pooping out furniture.

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said ‘Mimics.’

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

Whoever stole my furniture polish, rest assured this isn’t over. I will find you.

That’s my pledge.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

Birthday

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie ...

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

A divine mathematical story

After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".

The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from y...

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

What’s Irish and sits on your porch?

Paddy O’Furniture.

Bonus joke: Never lend a leprechaun money; they’re always a little short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

My wife and I can't have children.

We have white furniture.

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

IKEA uses almost 18 million cubic yards of wood for their furniture.

Do you know that if you collated all of that wood...

You could just about build a tree house for James Corden?

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

I have decided that I will be telling jokes about furniture this year

Sofa, so good

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

Yo mama so fat...

When she needs furniture she goes to a blacksmith.

My parents said I could never rearrange furniture for a living

Oh how the tables have turned!

I was asked to make a joke about wood furniture.

It wasn't veneerly as difficult as I thought. The joke was Oakay but lacked polish.

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.