Furniture Jokes - 59 Hilarious Furniture Jokes

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

What do a hooker and a furniture salesman have in common?

They’ll both take $200 off your dresser.

While furniture shopping I came across a really nice bed, but I couldn't make up my mind whether or not to get it...

I figured I'd sleep on it.

Why didn’t any customers try the bed at the furniture store?

The salesman tried to sell it with a one night stand.

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

My dad was working on some furniture and fell into the upholstery machine.

But don’t worry, he’s fully recovered.

If you wanted to display data about well built furniture for horse houses, what would it be called?

A stable stable tables table.

Who won the furniture competition?

It was a drawer

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

Man, I love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

What do you call an Irish outdoor furniture salesman?

Padi O’Furniture

Why did the proctologist go to the furniture store?

For a stool sample.

A friend of mine works making furniture

He fell into the upholstery machine.Took a while to get him out, but he's all recovered now.

furniture humor

Why didn't they fix the rococo Chair?

Because it wasn't baroque

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

Shopping for bedroom furniture while drunk

can leave you waking up just having one nightstand.

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

A Dungeons and Dragons Joke about the most fearsome of foes: Furniture

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.

I said ‘Mimics.’

The party laughed.

The barkeep laughed.

The table laughed.

We killed the table. Good times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

Banta the Furniture dealer

Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.

After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

What are jingoists' favorite furniture?

A wardrobe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What piece of furniture does every person own?

A little stool up their butts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".

My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."

Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

Me and my friend went to a furniture store

I asked him why he was buying nothing and he said "im just window shoping".

At a doll store

Man: "Do you work here?"

Lady: "Yes!"

"I need to buy a Barbie doll for my daughter. How much are they?"

"Which Barbie? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

Have you ever bought a piece of furniture to rest your feet on?

Well... you oughta, man!

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

Our Mexican friend is a whiz when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.

He is our instruction Manuel.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?

One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of shi\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

So i brought home a piece of furniture last night...

but it left in the morning without saying a word. It was one nightstand.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

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