Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

Saw some sea birds ordering furniture in IKEA today

Last time I checked it was definitely humans only, but I guess the terns have tabled.

The Furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

Man, I love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.

A man with a scat fetish walks into a furniture store

He asks where the stool is

IKEA uses almost 18 million cubic yards of wood for their furniture.

Do you know that if you collated all of that wood...

You could just about build a tree house for James Corden?

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was a kid?

Moved the furniture around.

What do you call an Irishman who builds outdoor chairs?

Paddy O’Furniture.

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

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A man walks into a bar

This is a long'un. Strap yourselves in.

A man walks into a bar and notices a large jar on the counter filled to the brim with cash, $50's, $20's. Must be a good few $thousand in the jar. The guy orders a drink and asks about the jar on the counter. "Oh that's for anyone who can beat the three...

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

I have decided that I will be telling jokes about furniture this year

Sofa, so good

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

Doctor Doctor, I Feel like a dog.

Doctor: Hop up on the Bed and ill examine you.

Patient: No.

Doctor: Why Not?

Patient: I'm not allowed on the furniture.

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture!

(Heard it on the Golden Girls)

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

I was asked to make a joke about wood furniture.

It wasn't veneerly as difficult as I thought. The joke was Oakay but lacked polish.

Why did the furniture store donate so much?

They have a lot of chair-ity

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

I always wanted to be a lumber artisan

Everything about it seemed so appealing, the beauty of creating uniquely carved furniture, the wide variety and color to create from, even the manliness aspect from it. My parents were always against it and insisted I do something that was more reliable and practical. I started to realize they were ...

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

A Blonde wife walks in to her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.
"Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.
"Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.
"Because the man on the tv knows what I'm doing. Every...

What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'furniture

(Shanelessly stolen off a sign in College Station, TX)

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

Why did Trump's IKEA furniture keep falling apart?

Fake screws

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

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My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.

Luckily the rest of the furniture was real.

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Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day ...

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DAD'S FURNITURE FIX

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite...

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a woman, she is dying in her bed in her home.

Her husband is by her side, weeping.

“You know what I would like, before dying? She asks. I’d like to make love to you one last time”.

The husband agrees.

They start slow, gentle, but taken by their passion it becomes more frenetic. He start taking her in several positions, then...

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the **PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU FUCKEN BITCH, I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD!!**

How much is that barbie in the window?

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie g...

What language does furniture speak?

Forniture Polish.

Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

My house is haunted...

...I said to my self one day. Furnitures keep moving around. Clothes keep appearing all over the house. The milk is always on the counter. There's always dirty dishes in the sink.

Then I remembered that I have kids.

What piece of furniture can you always trust?

A Reputable.

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Furniture Store

Black guy walks into a furniture store. A salesman rushes over to help him.

Salesman: "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"

Black guy: "Yes, I"m looking for a recliner."

Salesman: "La-Z-Boy?"

Black guy: "No mother fucker, I just want to sit down."

I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.

It'll be the best around, Bar None.

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Furniture

A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a sexual sofa."

The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"

The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a sexual sofa, my husband said he'd like a...

What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...

Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

A man hurries into the bedroom.

He yells: "Quickly, Emma! Put your clothes on! We need to leave, the house is on fire!"

A muffled voice can be heard from the armoire: "Rescue the furniture! Rescue the damn furniture!"

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke....

What’s Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O’Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

Do you know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her when she got in trouble?

They rearranged the furniture.

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

When God was creating man he said to assistant

Put little toe on his feet too.
Assistant: why?
God: for furniture.
Assistant: furniture?
God: just put it on you will see it would be pretty funny.

Two men are new to a philosophical nudist colony . . .

In order to break the awkward silence, one man says to the other:

"Have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "Indeed! I think it's the wicker furniture."

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

Closing brothel

In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture. Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there. So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go ...

What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell?

Elrond's cupboard.

A furniture-maker got caught by his wife coming in at 4am

"Damn it, Jesse! I will not let you ruin our marriage over one night stand!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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