I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

In 2019 I took New Year resolution that i will only tell furniture jokes

And sofa so good.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home, the tables were turned.

I applied for a job at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.

I told them "That's a job I could really see myself doing."

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the furniture store?

He got the chair.

A man hurries into the bedroom.

He yells: "Quickly, Emma! Put your clothes on! We need to leave, the house is on fire!"

A muffled voice can be heard from the armoire: "Rescue the furniture! Rescue the damn furniture!"

What piece of furniture never uses a condom?

Pull out couch

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The black guy from next door keeps beating the fuck out of his wife with cheap Swedish furniture.

I call him Ikea Turner.

A man went to a store called “Hooker Furniture”

He walked up to the desk and said “ I would like to purchase one night stand”.

Don’t ask me why your Ikea furniture isn’t holding up..

..you only have your shelf to blame

Whats the best gadget to locate furniture in the dark?

Your pinkie toe.

What's Irish and lives in the garden?

Paddy O'Furniture

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Why did the furniture store donate so much?

They have a lot of chair-ity

I was going to tell a joke about the leader of North Korea having a furniture fetish

But the punchline was uncomfortable.

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

My parents said I could never rearrange furniture for a living

Oh how the tables have turned!

I would tell you a joke about Ikea furniture...

But the setup takes to long and the final product is mediocre.

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

What's the tallest piece of furniture?

The bookcase. It has the most stories

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

A couple go into a furniture shop, looking for a couch

A salesman asked them how their search is going.
The man replies, "Sofa so good".

Why did Trump's IKEA furniture keep falling apart?

Fake screws

My local furniture store has some really weird policies

I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like

"Dont knock It till you've tried It"

So a water bottle waddles into a furniture store...

before long a sales person notices and goes to greet it. "Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, I'm in need of a new couch. I spilled all over it and its ruined." the bottle crinkled out.
"Well you look like one of our VIP customers let me show you a couch you deserve."
They approached...

I'm Going To Open A New Furniture Shop

It's going to specialize in couches/sofas/chairs, etc...

It shall be named:

The Shack of Sit

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

I met a rude Australian once

I asked him if he knew of a furniture store nearby. He said "Does it look like ikea?"

I just don't understand puns about furnitures!

I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DAD'S FURNITURE FIX

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite...

I watch a lot of videos about portable furniture.

I like seeing how they unfold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

I’ve spent the day re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house.

I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

Did you hear about the indignant thief who was caught robbing a furniture store?

He claimed he was being penalised for merely taking a stand.

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

What language does furniture speak?

Forniture Polish.

Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

What did Hitler call his favorite piece of furniture?

Mein Kampfy Chair

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Furniture

A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a sexual sofa."

The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"

The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a sexual sofa, my husband said he'd like a...

I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture.

It'll be the best around, Bar None.

What piece of furniture can you always trust?

A Reputable.

Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture?

The Ottoman Empire.

What does IKEA furniture do when it's stolen?

Activates its shelf destruct sequence.

I'll see myself out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Furniture Store

Black guy walks into a furniture store. A salesman rushes over to help him.

Salesman: "Hello sir, how can I help you today?"

Black guy: "Yes, I"m looking for a recliner."

Salesman: "La-Z-Boy?"

Black guy: "No mother fucker, I just want to sit down."

I think lamps are my favorite furniture.

They're always brightening up my day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

Three foreign actors applying for the part of an angry man are asked to call out their numbers. First one goes "Me first actor", second one goes "Me second actor". The third one smashes all furniture and goes...

"method actor"

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

Someday I'll open a store that specializes in bedside furniture. The name of the store will be "One"

I figure it'll be the only way I'll ever have a "One nightstand."

When God was creating man he said to assistant

Put little toe on his feet too.
Assistant: why?
God: for furniture.
Assistant: furniture?
God: just put it on you will see it would be pretty funny.

A furniture-maker got caught by his wife coming in at 4am

"Damn it, Jesse! I will not let you ruin our marriage over one night stand!"

Ralph is driving home one evening,

when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie G...

God creating humans

God: They will walk on 4 legs

Angel: Give them 2 legs and 2 arms

God: Ye, you're right

Angel: But give them toes

God: Why?

Angel: For the furniture, trust me it will be hilarious

God : LMAO, nice idea

So i brought home a piece of furniture last night...

but it left in the morning without saying a word. It was one nightstand.

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

furniture disease

i just got home from the doctor's and i have really bad news.
turns out i have the furniture disease.
its where your chest hangs down past your drawers

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell?

Elrond's cupboard.

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke....

What’s Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O’Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make...

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shoppi...

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

There once was a carpenter.

Ryever the carpenter was known for cutting corners. Instead of fitting wood, he would hold his furniture together with screws and glue.

Being so cheap and miserly, many people started calling him a 'Scrooge'.

Despite this, his furniture was known far and wide as being extremely high ...

Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

The purpose of the small toe in your feet

Is really to find if all your furnitures are in their proper places.

What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

If you watch a movie with Jackie Chan backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

What’s Irish and left outside all winter?

Patty’O Furniture

A Polish man walks into a store

He walks up to the guy behind the counter and asks for a Kielbasa.

The guy replies ...you're Polish right?

He replies. How did you know???? By the way I pronounced "Kielbasa"

The guy replies "No this is a furniture store"

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wasn't sure which of three women he wanted to marry, so he gave each $10,000 to see how they used it.

The first woman went to the store, bought the man new clothes, new furniture, and new electronics for his man cave. The man was impressed.

The second woman put the money in the bank, to show how responsible and thrifty she was. Again, the man was impressed.

The third woman invested t...

What do you call an Irishman who sleeping on your front porch?

Paddy O’Furniture

What's Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?

Paddy O'Furniture.

What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the wh...