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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom

All I can say is there was lego everywhere

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

A man and woman were having fun in bedroom

But suddenly the husband comes home.


"Oh god no, my husband's home. Quickly take your stuff and get out."


And the woman exits from the backdoor.

What is worse than 20 dead babies in your bedroom?

One alive baby in your bedroom.

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I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. Now, I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is...

...but she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

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Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

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I walked into the bedroom to find my wife...

...dead in the bed the other day. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

If you’re American in the kitchen and you’re American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks...

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

A man in an orange jumpsuit breaks into a nice house and ties the couple he finds in the bedroom up.

After tying them up, the husband watches as the man walks over and slowly kisses the wife’s neck, before standing up, walking into the bathroom, and closing the door.

The husband says to his wife, “Look at his jumpsuit - he must’ve just gotten out of prison. I saw how he kissed your neck - yo...

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

As I passed by my son's bedroom, I heard him praying

"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany."

"Son," I said "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"

He looked at me and replied "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.

As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”

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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

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A young man is eating pussy in his bedroom when his mother barges in.

She screams “Mr. Whiskers!”

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

I once knew a mexican carpenter who specialised in bedroom furniture, and he always bragged about never sleeping with the same girl twice.

Juan Nightstand

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My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom

I almost choked on my own cock

How do you satisfy a graphic designer in the bedroom?

Bring out the GIMP

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“Boredom” is just an anagram of “Bedroom”.

My wife just informed me of that fact while we were having sex.

What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

At least until you wash the sheets

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom...

After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"

"About three knots," says the hooker.

"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"

And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means...

I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load

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Hitler' bodyguard was guarding his bedroom door.

A guy walks up to him and asks, "How do you like being Hitler's bodyguard?". The bodyguard replies, "It's okay, but I am starting to have second thoughts. The guy says, "Why is that?". The bodyguard responds, "Well all these time travelers from the future keep coming back to try to kill him".

A husband walks into the bedroom and is shocked by what he sees.

"Oh my God Carol, no!"

"But I told you all about us."

"I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

My son came home as I was taking his bedroom door off the hinges

he asked "Dad, what are you doing?"

"We've updated our privacy policy"

What can you say at a funeral and in the bedroom?

I really wish they weren’t dead

A man hurries into the bedroom.

He yells: "Quickly, Emma! Put your clothes on! We need to leave, the house is on fire!"

A muffled voice can be heard from the armoire: "Rescue the furniture! Rescue the damn furniture!"

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A man walks into a bedroom with a sheep under his arm

And on the bed is a lady. The man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when I’m not having sex with you”, to which the woman says, “That’s a sheep, not a pig.”

The man says, “Shut up, I’m not talking to you.”

valantines day is coming up, so I thought id try something I haven't tried before in the bedroom

my right hand

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wa...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. ...

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My girlfriend said I was very imaginative in the bedroom.

For instance, this morning I imagined I was going to have sex.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

A guy walks into his wife's bedroom to see her cheating on him with his friend.

He immediately shouts " What's going on here?"

Wife replies "Umm....You got a friend in me?"

In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit.

She’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job.

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A couple was about to have sex in the bedroom asked their son

"Johnny, go stand in the balcony and keep telling us what's going on outside"

Johnny goes to the balcony and starts narrating

"Billy is buying chocolates, tina is playing, Uncle Micheal is fucking his wife"

Dad: "What? Are they doing it openly?"

Johnny: "No, I haven't see...

What’s something you can say at the dinner table and in the bedroom?

Grandma put your dentures back in... sorry reddit

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

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A recently married deaf couple were discussing how they were going to communicate in the bedroom with the lights off.

The husband said "if you want to have sex pull my dick once if you don't want to have sex pull it 358 times".

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

Scrabble, monopoly and cluedo were sitting around the bedroom feeling sorry for themselves

They hadn’t been played with in a long time and were feeling particularly frustrated and listless. They wanted something to do but just didn’t know what to do and so sat there with a mood on, not feeling happy at all.

Human 1 and human 2 came into the room and human 1 picked up monopoly and ...

My teenage daughter has been trying to straighten a picture on her bedroom wall for the past hour.

She literally can’t even.

My girlfriend likes it chilly in the bedroom.

But honestly, im not a fan.

An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom....

So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her love making. The worker suggests some crotchless panties and takes her to see some. The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband...

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Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says,

‘You know?
Your wife IS better.’

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He t...

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A married man carries a sheep into his bedroom.

His wife is laying on the bed confused and asks him what is going on. The man says "This is the pig I fuck when you are too tired". "That's not a pig that's a sheep" says the wife. To which the husband responds "shhh I'm not talking to you"

I opened my son's bedroom door and there was an orgy happening. I was livid.

That they noticed me standing there so soon...

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Deaf Couple in the Bedroom

Two deaf people have just gotten married. They really love each other, but sex at night has been a bit of a struggle, as they are unable to communicate through signing, and it is too dark to read each other's lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wif...

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

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(nsfw) A couple experimenting in the bedroom got into a bit of a tangle...

... it was complicated ass fuck

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned ...

Playing doctor in the bedroom can be fun.

Until you try and amputate her leg and she wants to whine the whole time.

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?, "says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell' and you say 'ass', O.K.?"

"O.K." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into ...

[NSFW] What were you doing in the bedroom?

A little kid returns from school earlier. There are unusual sounds from the parents' bedroom. He hears his parents screaming "Oh, sugar! Oh, honey!", but the bedroom door is locked so he can't see what's going on.
In the evening he asks his parents: "Mom, dad, what were you doing in the bedroom...

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A Dad walks in on his daughter in the bedroom with her boyfriend tying her up to the four post bed...

"Dad!" She screams, "I'm Sorry!"

"Hi, Sorry, I'm Dad." turning to the boyfriend, who's standing there holding a silk tie in his hands

"Are you fucking sorry?"

"No, I'm just here, re-posting"

An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.

After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "Are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" No one is in any other part of the house?"

His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"

The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Recently bought my friend a stuffed elephant for her bedroom.

When I bought it for her, she was super happy and said thanks.

I said, “don’t mention it.”

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My wife said she wanted to try some domination in the bedroom.

Cheeky bitch slept with my pillow.

Sometimes it's fun to switch things up in the bedroom..

But realistically, I only have two hands

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So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

A woman is standing naked in front of her bedroom mirror.

"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."

He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."

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My wife has been unhappy in the bedroom for a while, so I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her happy, she said S&M

So she's sleeping and I'm masturbating

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm...

...his wife wakes up and asks him what he's doing.

He says, 'Honey, this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache.'.

The wife sneers at him and says, 'You idiot, that isn't a pig, it's a sheep!'.

The husband replies, ' I wasn't talking to you.'.

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers...

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

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My girlfriend wanted me to surprise her in the bedroom....

...so I blindfolded her, then jerked off into her face. She never saw it coming.

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It’s their 50th anniversary and Mary walks into the bedroom wearing a seethrough nightie.

“John “, my darling”, she says seductively. “Do you remember on our wedding night I wore this exact same outfit?”

John says “yes, I remember”

“And do you remember what you said when I first came out of the bathroom and you saw me wearing this?”

“Yes I told you I was going to fuc...

I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom...

I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"

"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.

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My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm

He says "look honey, this is the pig I fuck every day before going to sleep". His wife looks at him and says "you moron, that's not a pig."

"I wasn't talking to you," he replies

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;

I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

After I had my vasectomy, my friends asked me if anything had changed in the bedroom

I replied "there isn't a vas deferens"

A black guy brings a girl home from the bar. Once in the bedroom, the girl says to the black guy "Come on, let me see if what they say about black guy is true"

So the black guy stabs her and grabs her purse.

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A husband and a wife is having issue in the bedroom

An ancient Egyptian couple are having sex. After a while, the wife becomes annoyed and tells her husband, "It's too damn hot in here! I can't come. Call the slave boy in and have him fan us".

The slave boy comes in and starts fanning, but it's no use, and the husband can barely continue anymo...

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A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck....

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.

"This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams.

"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.

He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!"

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain

Jesus and Mary Magdalene were having difficulties in the bedroom. After the 2nd try, Jesus said...

"Don't worry, it'll rise again".

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I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. No...

I used to have the best pick up line. I'd get an escort right to their bedroom most of the time. And after spending a few hours in their bedroom with them, they would even pay me for doing such an amazing job.

I miss telling people "I can fix your computer."

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