What's the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

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A little boy sits in the bathtub

He begins to examine his testicles and asks his mom, "mommy, are these my brains?"

The mom said, "Not yet honey... But they will be."

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.

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My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

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...in the bathtub.

(attach "in the bathtub" at the end of the post above this, or alternately, click on the front page and add "in the bathtub" to the post titles)
This is more of a social experiment than a joke.
In my church-going days (way back when) my friend showed me a game where you flip to a random song i...

Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi...

Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..

The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

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What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

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Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

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Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".

Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub...

then Bubbles got up and left.

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The toilet bowl tells the bathtub...

"I've seen more ass than you ever had".
The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to set the bicycle on fire and two to fill the bathtub with giraffes.

Another light bulb joke

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

2

One to ride the giraffes, and one to put the clocks into the bathtub.

Trump wants to ban Muslims, but if we learned ANYTHING from prohibition...

 

 

...it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

My wife and her boss won the lottery..

Me: Honey I see you got a new gucci bag, where'd you get it?

Wife: My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings

*next day wife comes home with new ring

Me: that's a great new ring you have on today. Where did you get this...

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

My brother got a Tesla

My brother picked up a Tesla a few months back and it spoiled him for other cars. So last night, I pick him up from the airport in my old Yaris.

After a few minutes of driving, he says, “We need to get you into something all-electric.”

Looking back, I reply, “Best I can afford is a bat...

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.


"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It’s hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. ...

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Life

Did you hear the news about a dead woman’s body being found in the park yesterday?

She was discovered drowned in a bathtub full of milk with a banana up her butt.

Police said this is the work of a cereal killer.

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The milkman

A blonde hears that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she leaves a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman reads the note, he figures there must be a mistake; she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocks on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde come...

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A man and his wife are out on a date night at a bar.

A drunk comes up to his wife and starts hitting on her. “Baby I'd fill your bathtub with beer and drink all of it after...”, Her husband steps in and tells him to get lost.

Another drunk comes up. “Honey I will fill my swimming pool with beer for you to swim and drink all of it...” Her husban...

Bill Finds his wife Melinda locked in the bathroom (Dad Joke)

(This is an original dad joke that I just thought of in the bathtub)



Bill: "Honey is everything ok in there, what's wrong?"

Melinda: "I'm bleeding and I'm out of supplies, can you run to the store real quickly and get me some?"

Bill: "I'm not sure I'm qualified... you...

A young couple is on their honeymoon.....

A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find o...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

Should You Be Institutionalized?

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtu...

My next door neighbor was found murdered.

He was discovered face down in his bathtub that had been filled with milk. A spoon had been stuck in his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

I finally found the person

Me: What's the difference between an urinal and a bathtub?

Him: What is it?

Me: Guys, I found out who it is

A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...

She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony do...

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person ...

*Knock knock*

Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

A Priest and a Deacon

A Priest realized that less and less people were showing up to church every day. He goes to the Deacon and asks "How can I get more people to come to church?"

"Well", says the Deacon, "people like food. Maybe if you offer free food at mass, more people will show up."

So the Priest set...

Recent Studies show over 80% of people privately admit to peeing in the shower.

But everyone puts on airs and pretends to be disgusted when I publicly admit to doing it in the bathtub.

A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and ...

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

What do my toaster and I have in common?

We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

Trump visiting a psychiatric hospital.

While visiting Trump asks how to determine if one has a psychiatric problem.

There is a test, says the doctor. They fill a bathtub with water and gives the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket and asks the patient to empty the tub.

Trump then asks: "Wouldn't the normally sane persons no...

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