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Bathtub Jokes

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My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.

The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She take...

Who stole the soap from the bathtub

The robber ducky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy sits in the bathtub

He begins to examine his testicles and asks his mom, "mommy, are these my brains?"

The mom said, "Not yet honey... But they will be."

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...

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What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?

One has hope in her soul
The other has soap in her hole

Snow White was in the bathtub, feeling sleepy.

Then he got out, so she felt Dopey instead.

Why shouldn’t you put a toaster in the bathtub?

Because your toast will get soggy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bathtubs were about to have sex

The female bathtub looked at the male bathtub’s flaccid dick and laughed at how small it was. To which the male bathtub replied: ”I’m a bathtub, not a shower.”

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?

Throw your laundry in with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

What do you do when your GF is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Toss in a load of laundry with her. Save four quarters.

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

BATHTUB ANXIETIES

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

They found a woman dead face down in a bathtub full of cornflakes.

They think it’s the work of a cereal killer.

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

Bubbles in bathtub

Old joke, repost:

A new lady teacher came to teach students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and a hobby.

She said, Lets start first with boys.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is...

What do you call a guy with epilepsy in a bathtub?

A washing machine

What do you call two girls making out in a bathtub?

Water Hoes

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

Some mold started appearing in my bathtub

I didn't like it at first, but I'll admit, it started to grow on me.

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

Tell me if this isn't immature. I'm in the bathtub,minding my own business,and my girlfriend comes in, totally unannounced...

And sinks all of my boats and my rubber ducky! Immature,huh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on h...

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The toilet bowl tells the bathtub...

"I've seen more ass than you ever had".
The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".

Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub...

then Bubbles got up and left.

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.

While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."

The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I ...

What do you do with an epileptic child having a seizure in your bathtub?

Add your dirty clothes and soap.

How does a blonde prepare fish for special ocassions?

She drowns it in the bathtub.

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Snow white and the seven dwarves were in a bathtub together.

Soon they were all feeling grumpy.

So he got up and left.

Healthcare (freely translated from german)

A man really needs some vacation but can't afford any. So he decides to go to the psychiatry. He asks the doctor: "What do I have to do to stay here?" The doctor says: "We need to make a test of your menal health." He shows him a bathtub full of water. In front of it lies a spoon, a water glass and ...

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