A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

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My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh...

Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi...

Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

What do you do if someone is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in your laundry.

Two kangaroos are in the bathtub. cuz why not

One kangaroo says, "Pass the soap."
The other kangaroo says, "No soap...radio!"

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...in the bathtub.

(attach "in the bathtub" at the end of the post above this, or alternately, click on the front page and add "in the bathtub" to the post titles)
This is more of a social experiment than a joke.
In my church-going days (way back when) my friend showed me a game where you flip to a random song i...

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What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A young boy and a young girl are in the bathtub

The girl asks her mum 'What's that between Jack's legs mum?'

'That's a tractor darling', the mum replies'

Jack asks his mum 'What's that between Jill's legs, mum?'

'That's a barn darling', the mum replies.

After they were settled, she headed downstairs to relax.

A ...

BATHTUB ANXIETIES

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

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I dropped my cat in the bathtub once...

It was the only time i got a pussy wet.

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub...

then Bubbles got up and left.

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The toilet bowl tells the bathtub...

"I've seen more ass than you ever had".
The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

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Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".

My next door neighbor was found murdered.

He was discovered face down in his bathtub that had been filled with milk. A spoon had been stuck in his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

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Blonde Joke

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

Th...

Bill Finds his wife Melinda locked in the bathroom (Dad Joke)

(This is an original dad joke that I just thought of in the bathtub)

​

Bill: "Honey is everything ok in there, what's wrong?"

Melinda: "I'm bleeding and I'm out of supplies, can you run to the store real quickly and get me some?"

Bill: "I'm not sure I'm qual...

I walked in on my wife in the bathroom

She was naked standing over a mirror which was placed under herself on the floor. And she was looking down on herself to see her lady parts.

I rushed in and pushed her way from the mirror and she feel and banged her arm on the bathtub.

She said "you just about broke my arm"

I...

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.


"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It’s hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. ...

A man goes to an asylum and asks

“How do you admit your patients?” The psychiatrist says “ Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub”. The man replies “I see, so the sane person would take the bucket”, and the psychiatrist replies “No, the sane person wil...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

I finally found the person

Me: What's the difference between an urinal and a bathtub?

Him: What is it?

Me: Guys, I found out who it is

The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum

,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person ...

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the pinnacle of confusion?

Two blind gay men, in a bathtub full of hotdogs.

A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...

She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony do...

*Knock knock*

Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

A young couple is on their honeymoon.....

A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find o...

A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and ...

A Priest and a Deacon

A Priest realized that less and less people were showing up to church every day. He goes to the Deacon and asks "How can I get more people to come to church?"

"Well", says the Deacon, "people like food. Maybe if you offer free food at mass, more people will show up."

So the Priest set...

Did you hear Jeffrey Dahmer had dandruff?

They found some head and shoulders in his bathtub

Trump visiting a psychiatric hospital.

While visiting Trump asks how to determine if one has a psychiatric problem.

There is a test, says the doctor. They fill a bathtub with water and gives the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket and asks the patient to empty the tub.

Trump then asks: "Wouldn't the normally sane persons no...

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

Just found this joke in my Chem eng textbook

The little-known rare earth element nauseum (atomic weight 172) has the interesting property
of being completely insoluble in everything but 12-year-old bourbon. This curious fact was discovered in the laboratory of Professor Ludwig von Schlimazel, the eminent German chemist whose invention of t...

What do my toaster and I have in common?

We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

I've been getting into Bath Salts recently...

Nothing major it's just that if I'm gonna smoke crack in the bathtub I want that bath to be exfoliating.

I am digging old jokes from my hdd: 1. Hospital

>hey guys, seeing this subreddit full of repost jokes make me want to dig old jokes i saved in my laptop. these are mostly in my native language, so forgive me with bad translation.

Hospital

A father asked the doctor in a mental hospital, "Doctor, how do doctors know someone is not ...

A man asks the doctor

"Can I take a bath with diarrhea?"
Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Milkman

A married lady got bored with her husband so she started having an affair with the milkman.

One afternoon the milkman drops by and they're gonna start doin it.

The lady is super excited, gets naked, hops in the bathtub and says, "just fill it up!!!"

The milkman says "do you wan...

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home...

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.

A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives found him face down in the bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal ki...

Thats how they do it..

A man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says, 'well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a la...

A journalist visits a mental hospital

A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.

DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub....

Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
<...

First dirty joke my dad told me, it's about 30 years old and I still tell it.

What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?

The lady in church has hope in her soul.