Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

Did you see the news about the person they found dead in a bathtub full of milk with banana slices in the milk?

They think it was a cereal killer.

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Two bathtubs were about to have sex

The female bathtub looked at the male bathtub’s flaccid dick and laughed at how small it was. To which the male bathtub replied: ”I’m a bathtub, not a shower.”

What do you do when your GF is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Toss in a load of laundry with her. Save four quarters.

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

Batjoke

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

Who stole the soap from the bathtub

The robber ducky

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Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

...

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

A woman in church has hope in her soul...

A pair of Lightbulb Jokes

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold a carton the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored b...

My mother woke me up with the sentence „Hey, we‘re getting new phones!“

I was happy, but not sure why I woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes.

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

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The appliances in a sexy woman's bathroom start arguing...

It all started when the bathtub was bragging he gets to see her naked everyday.
The sink piped up, "That's nothing. Daily oral. What guy could ask for more?"
The toilet flushed, "Amateur. I get both holes. Anal multiple times a day."
The tub, feeling like he shouldn't be beat by the toile...

Wanna hear a clean joke?

I blew bubbles in the bathtub. Wanna hear the dirty version? Bubbles was a clown.

What do you call a bathtub salesman?

A shower shower.

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

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A little boy sits in the bathtub

He begins to examine his testicles and asks his mom, "mommy, are these my brains?"

The mom said, "Not yet honey... But they will be."

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

The Seven Dwarfs were in a bathtub feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

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A joke I heard on South Park today

When the Milk Man brought the lady her milk, she invited him in and then stripped off all her clothes. Standing there naked, she told the Milk Man to take the milk and fill the bathtub with it. The Milk Man asked the woman "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No", the lady said, "just up to my boobs."

A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..

The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"

Me:"Hey girl are you a toaster?"

Her:"Why?"
Me:"Because i want to go to the bathtub with you."

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What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi...

Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

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The Felony laws are rediculous...

Three guys were talking about how they ended up in an Arizona prison.

Guy 1: what are you in for?

Guy 2: selling weed to my 23 year old cousin with anxiety.

Guy 1: I can beat that, I was playing bioshock and the radio in game played some 1950s shit. I got a copy right strike and...

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...in the bathtub.

(attach "in the bathtub" at the end of the post above this, or alternately, click on the front page and add "in the bathtub" to the post titles)
This is more of a social experiment than a joke.
In my church-going days (way back when) my friend showed me a game where you flip to a random song i...

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

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Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

I hope this translate well from Spanish

Why do police cars have a bathtub on the top?

So they can carry the sirens.




.
Sorry

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

Jimmy was blowing bubbles in the bathtub...

then Bubbles got up and left.

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Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".

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The toilet bowl tells the bathtub...

"I've seen more ass than you ever had".
The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

A reporter went to a mental hospital to talk with the doctor.

Reporter: Doctor, how do you decide who to admit and who not to?

Doctor: We give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell them to empty a bathtub filled with water.

Reporter: That's smart as a sane person will use the bucket to empty it.

Doctor: A sane person will remove...

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Back in the days of the Milkman...

A milkman comes to the back door of a new customer, knocks, and an attractive older lady opens the door, wearing only a thin negligee’.

“Good morning, ma’am.”, he says. “My name is Ed...What would you like today?

“What I’d like, Ed, is for you to go get a lot of milk from your truck, a...

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

So dumb it makes me laugh every time i hear it

me: knock knock

them: who's there

me: Dwayne

them: Dwayne who

me: dwayne the bathtub! i'm dwowning!

My gf said whisper something dirty in my ear....

So I said " Dishes,Laundry,bathtub."

This is one of my dad's favorite jokes

There are three elephants in a bathtub.

Clyde says to Claude "Pass the soap."

Claude says "No soap radio."









\*I'm curious if anyone knows the joke

Three sisters aged 96, 94, and 92 lived in a house together.

The 96 year old was going to take a bath. She started getting in the bathtub, but then forgot if she was going in or out. So she called for the 94 year old who was downstairs to help. The 94 year old gets to the stairs, but suddenly forgets if she was going up or down, and had to ask the 92 year old...

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

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