Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

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My girlfriend wanted me to fill the bathtub up with milk

I asked if she wanted it pasteurized.

She said, "No, up to my tits is fine."

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

Tell me if this isn't immature. I'm in the bathtub,minding my own business,and my girlfriend comes in, totally unannounced...

And sinks all of my boats and my rubber ducky! Immature,huh?

They found a woman dead face down in a bathtub full of cornflakes.

They think it’s the work of a cereal killer.

What do you call a bathtub salesman?

A shower shower.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to...

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul. The other has soap in her hole.

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

The Seven Dwarfs were in a bathtub feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

I hope this translate well from Spanish

Why do police cars have a bathtub on the top?

So they can carry the sirens.




.
Sorry

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

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A little boy sits in the bathtub

He begins to examine his testicles and asks his mom, "mommy, are these my brains?"

The mom said, "Not yet honey... But they will be."

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

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Spooky Halloween time!

Along a dark road. On a dark night, a man was walking home. A fog rolls in. The man puts his ear buds in. Listening to classical. A little bit of Bach never hurt anyone. The man, in the middle of "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" hears a loud bang behind him.

It wasn't metal or a gun or a firewo...

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

A reporter went to a mental hospital to talk with the doctor.

Reporter: Doctor, how do you decide who to admit and who not to?

Doctor: We give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell them to empty a bathtub filled with water.

Reporter: That's smart as a sane person will use the bucket to empty it.

Doctor: A sane person will remove...

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Back in the days of the Milkman...

A milkman comes to the back door of a new customer, knocks, and an attractive older lady opens the door, wearing only a thin negligee’.

“Good morning, ma’am.”, he says. “My name is Ed...What would you like today?

“What I’d like, Ed, is for you to go get a lot of milk from your truck, a...

So dumb it makes me laugh every time i hear it

me: knock knock

them: who's there

me: Dwayne

them: Dwayne who

me: dwayne the bathtub! i'm dwowning!

My gf said whisper something dirty in my ear....

So I said " Dishes,Laundry,bathtub."

A little girl and a little boy were sitting in a bathtub together..

The little girl looks down and asks, "can I touch it?" He answers, "NO WAY- YOU ALREADY BROKE YOURS OFF!"

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A young boy and a young girl are in the bathtub

The girl asks her mum 'What's that between Jack's legs mum?'

'That's a tractor darling', the mum replies'

Jack asks his mum 'What's that between Jill's legs, mum?'

'That's a barn darling', the mum replies.

After they were settled, she headed downstairs to relax.

A ...

Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi...

Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

Three sisters aged 96, 94, and 92 lived in a house together.

The 96 year old was going to take a bath. She started getting in the bathtub, but then forgot if she was going in or out. So she called for the 94 year old who was downstairs to help. The 94 year old gets to the stairs, but suddenly forgets if she was going up or down, and had to ask the 92 year old...

This is one of my dad's favorite jokes

There are three elephants in a bathtub.

Clyde says to Claude "Pass the soap."

Claude says "No soap radio."









\*I'm curious if anyone knows the joke

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What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

I get a lot of ass but I don't take no shit

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

"Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."

Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

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...in the bathtub.

(attach "in the bathtub" at the end of the post above this, or alternately, click on the front page and add "in the bathtub" to the post titles)
This is more of a social experiment than a joke.
In my church-going days (way back when) my friend showed me a game where you flip to a random song i...

What's the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.

What do you call James Bond in the bathtub?

Bubble-0-7

My mom once forgot her meds and tried to drown me in the bathtub.

That made for a really weird 27th Birthday.

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Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.

Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!"
Me: "And now for the good news...!"

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Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub...

and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

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The toilet bowl tells the bathtub...

"I've seen more ass than you ever had".
The Bathtub replied "Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody".

What do you give Sean Connery when hes eating nachos in a bathtub?

Shower Cream

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

When I was in the military we used to have comedy night, where everyone would sit and take turns telling jokes.

We didn't know many jokes however, so we made a list of all the jokes we knew, each joke had a number. For example, the "Everyone knows Dave" joke was number 10, the "Two priests in a bathtub" joke was number 15, and so on.

We always told the same jokes so we eventually memorized the whole li...

Yo mama so fat

She fill up the bathtub before running water

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to set the bicycle on fire and two to fill the bathtub with giraffes.

My wife and her boss won the lottery..

Me: Honey I see you got a new gucci bag, where'd you get it?

Wife: My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings

*next day wife comes home with new ring

Me: that's a great new ring you have on today. Where did you get this...

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Life

Did you hear the news about a dead woman’s body being found in the park yesterday?

She was discovered drowned in a bathtub full of milk with a banana up her butt.

Police said this is the work of a cereal killer.

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

My brother got a Tesla

My brother picked up a Tesla a few months back and it spoiled him for other cars. So last night, I pick him up from the airport in my old Yaris.

After a few minutes of driving, he says, “We need to get you into something all-electric.”

Looking back, I reply, “Best I can afford is a bat...

Another light bulb joke

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

2

One to ride the giraffes, and one to put the clocks into the bathtub.

Trump wants to ban Muslims, but if we learned ANYTHING from prohibition...

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...it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

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