This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

A four bed room has four strangers arrive for the night, three of them open a bottle of vodka and begin to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, they begin to tell political jokes. The fourth stranger gets up from his bed and goes downstairs, he asks the hostess to make tea and bring it to room 67

In ten minutes, he then returns to the room and joins the others, five minutes later he leans down to the electric socket in the wall and says 'Comrade General tea to room 67 please' then the hostess walks in with the tea, the party dies a sudden death and the fourth stranger finally gets some sleep...

What did B-Real from Cypress Hill say when his daughter came downstairs in a skimpy dress...?

You ain’t going out like that, you ain’t going out like that.

Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

I snuck downstairs to make pancakes at midnight last night

It took a couple hours and I didn’t want to wake anyone going back up.

I stuck some pancakes to my feet and crepèd back up the stairs.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

My daughter came downstairs in a short skirt.

I said, "You aren't wearing that to school."


"Why not?" she asked moodily.


I said, "Because I want your mother to try it on later."

An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs.

He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.

Little 5 year old Timmy ran downstairs screaming for his mom.

“Mommy, mommy, grandma has a shrimp,” he shouted.

Completely perplexed the mom let her little boy lead her upstairs to her mom’s room to find grandma asleep on the bed spread-eagled.

Embarrassed the mom explained to Timmy that it wasn’t a shrimp and this was her mom’s body.

“Str...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and there's a man he's never seen before sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. The little boy asks, "Are you my new babysitter?"

"No, I'm your new motherfucker."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy waits downstairs while his date is getting ready

The Dad is there watching TV with the family dog.

The boy farts, the Dad yells at the dog.

The boy farts again, the Dad again yells at the dog.

The third time, Dad yells "Bingo, get way from him before he shits on you"!

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs"...

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11...

JCPenney just moved the women's Plus Size department downstairs. Is this yet another example of fat acceptance?

Or are they just tired of the escalator breaking?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having a bath when the postman knocked on the door. I rushed downstairs to open it.

"Fucking hell, put some clothes on next time!"

"Sorry. This job gets really boring," he replied.

How do you call a snobby criminal walking downstairs?

A condescending con descending

Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A six-year-old and a four-year-old are about to go downstairs for breakfast.

The six-year-old says to the four-year-old, "All right, we're gonna start cussing today. I'm gonna use hell in a sentence, and you're gonna use ass." The four-year-old agrees, and they go downstairs.

The children's mom asks the boys what they would like for breakfast. "Aw, hell, I think I'll ...

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband

She asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?"

He replies, "Do I look dumb in this shirt?"

A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.

Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...

Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire

The other morning my Mom came downstairs wearing nothing but a very suggestive nightgown.

When I asked, she said it was a Freudian slip.

A man walks into his doctor's surgery and says "Doc, I'm experiencing some discomfort downstairs"

The Doctor takes a look and says "well I think I see the problem - you've got a steering wheel in your pants".

The man says "Thanks doc! It was driving me nuts!"

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just...

My downstairs neighbor was yelling and banging on the ceiling until 3 AM

Did that bother you? Not much. I was up til about the same time practicing my trumpet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.

Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.
...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few sec...

A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.

After perusing the list, Peter can’t find the priest’s name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.

Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.

St. Peter welcomes h...

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

&#x200B;

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

&#x200B;

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bothers, one 8 and one 5 are upstairs

Playing and the older says to the younger, today we are going to learn how to swear.

The younger brother is real excited and says ok.

The older brother says, I'm going to say fuck and you are going to say damn.

The younger brother is ecstatic.

They both go downstairs a...

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a 4 year old and a 7 year old.

The 7 year old says, "Hey, let's say bad words!" The 4 year old says okay, so they go downstairs. They see their mom and she asks the boys what they want. The 7 year old says, "Give me some god damn Reese's Puffs." The mom slaps him and asks the 4 year old what he wants. The 4 year old says, "You be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple was going out for the evening.

They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the ho...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, ...

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

Was it worth it?

A boy wanted to take his crush to prom. So one day he decided to ask her. He said, “Will you go to prom with me?” But got no response.

He waited and waited and waited...

Until finally she said yes. So he became excited and started preparing. He bought a tuxedo and asked her what dress...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet shop.

She's looking for a present for her husband. Unfortunately, she's on a budget, but the clerk has an idea:
"For $ 20, I can give you something very special" and presents here a frog.

"What's so special about it?" the woman asks.

The clerk says: "Well, this frog is very special, becau...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here’s how you get the perfect prom date.

So you have the girl picked out, maybe not the prettiest to all, but in your eyes, wow. Now maybe not the hardest to get, but she still gives you butterflies talking to her.

Now you can’t simply walk up to her and ask, you gotta be smooth about it. After some thought you decide on flowers an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two little kids, jimmy and bobby, decide they are grown up enough to start using curse words.

“Know what Bobby?”

“What?“ says Bobby

“I think we are big kids now, lets start saying some naughty words, just like grown ups do. Ill start. Fuck” Johnny says

“Woah! Thats crazy you said the F word” Bobby says in awe

Johnny proceeds to tell him his plan.

“We are go...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife wouldn't let me go out with my mates.

My wife put her foot down and wouldn't let me go out with my friends one Friday night.
We ended up having dinner, watching a shit house rom-com and going to bed by 10pm. I was well asleep, when at midnight there was a heavy knocking at the front door. She sat bolt up and said .'Whichever one of y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blin...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheap cadillac

In a cadillac showroom in New York a man asks the salesman: "How much for the red cadillac?"

The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."

The man is stunned about the price and asks: "If I buy 2 cars, how much would that be?"

The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."

N...

Two lawyers are friends and have lunch with each other

They always have lunch in their cramped offices. One day, one of the lawyers said to the other, "We should go downstairs to the deli and have lunch there, there's much more room."

&#x200B;

The other agreed and they went downstairs to the deli.

&#x200B;

When they s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vicar is having a wank in the bathroom.

As he"s finishing himself off, he turns around to see the window cleaner staring at him.
Red faced, he rushes downstairs as he hears a knock at the door.
"I"ve done your windows vicar, that"ll be £100" says the cleaner with a smirk and a wink.
Hurriedly, the vicar pays him and shuts the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny comes home from school....

Little Johnny comes home from school and his Grandma asks him about his day.
Little Johnny says, "Oh, school was fun. We were learning sexual education. The teacher taught us about penises and vaginas and how they function."
The grandmother, horrified by what she heard says, "I will not toler...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman walk into a bar

A man and a woman walk into a bar and the man turns to the woman and says, "Hey, I've got this magic water that can make me fly."

Then the woman says "I don't believe you. Show me."

So the man downs a magic water and gets on the top of the roof, jumps off, and flies back on.

T...

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...

reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blond...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

A woman wants to buy a dog.

She looks up the newspaper and sees an ad for a dog for sale. She visits the house of the seller, who's very friendly, greets her and asks her inside.

"Well, I suppose you want to get to know the dog. He's upstairs."

So the lady goes up, walks into the room and sees the dog, who greets...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Thanksgiving Story

Was told this joke when I was around 7 or 8 and thought it was the shit. Thought you guys might appreciate it as much as 7 year old me did.

&#x200B;

The story starts off 1 week before Thanksgiving. A little boy is playing with some toys on his front porch. All of the sudden some te...

One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.

Three years lat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”

The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?

They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would...

Monk error

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers wake up one morning and decide to start cussing...

The older brother says, "I'll say 'Damn' and you can say 'Ass'." They agree and head downstairs.

Their mother asks the older brother what he would like for breakfast, and he says, "Get me some damn Cheerios!"

Furious, she gives him a spanking and sends him to his room. She then turns...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was a mother of three boys, who wanted to grow up to be pimps........

NSFW.

.....They were always getting into trouble at school, cursing and swearing, and generally terrible boys. So the mother decided to spend some quality time with them one morning, by making them breakfast.

She calls the boys downstairs for breakfast and they sit at the table. Moth...

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night my wife woke me up - "Darling! Darling! There is a burglar downstairs!" So I go down, check every room and didn't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have wife, but when I went upstairs, my bed and TV were gone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The innocents of kids. Adult version

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the fathe...

A husband is coming back home after cheating on his wife.

He keeps all the lights turned off to not wake up his wife and starts walking up the stairs as quietly as possible.

While in the stairs, he feels someone else trying to walk past him.

Husband, whispering: *Hey, who is that?*

Stranger: Bro, whatever you're doing downstairs do it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. "Good Luck to ye, Brian!" They called a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

Carmen and Kate wanted to get money

Carmen asked Kate, "What should we do to make money?"

"Sell cookies!"

So Carmen and Kate went house to house in their town and made $75, but they wanted more

They decided to drive around the country in their cars, going house to house in every town

They came to a barn ...

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So this guys enters an house...

He goes up the stairs, enters a room, and there's a woman waiting for him to have a ''little fun''. After doing it, the guy leaves the room and goes down the stairs. Downstairs, there's a kid staring at him, and telles him:

''I know what you did to my mom! If you don't give me $200, I'll tell...

A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.

One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
...

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A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date

When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her,

"How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Dont worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"Its just a sm...

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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.

Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.

After starting to eat h...

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[NSFW]: A woman walks into a bar ...

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong....

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An older man retires, and decides to move to Mexico

because his modest savings will go a lot further there. He tries, but really struggles to learn the language and local customs. Some days he’d sleep until noon and enjoy being retired…but a few days a week he made it a point to wake up early, fry a couple of eggs, and head into town to immerse himse...

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Breakfast for the twins

Jimmy and Johnny were a couple of rambunctious kids, always pushing the envelope and often getting in trouble.
One morning they woke up and went downstairs to find their mother in the kitchen. "What would you like for breakfast this morning, boys?" she asked.
Jimmy says, "How's about s...

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Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his ...

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Dead Hooker

A man enters a brothel with only 5$. He asks the madam what he can get for his 5$. She tells him he can fuck the dead hooker in the attic. Seeing as how he doesn't have much choice he agrees. 10 minutes later he comes downstairs and goes back to the madam. He says, "I don't think she was dead. Just ...

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb,...

Old couple

Old couple have been married for over 50 years. The wife dies in her sleep, they come to take away the body. As they are carrying her downstairs, her head hits the wall and she suddenly comes back to life. About a year later, she dies in her sleep. As they are carrying her downstairs, the old man sa...

Late Night Vet Call...

Her dog was on heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs an...

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A son comes home from school and is somewhat frustrated . His Dad asks him what’s wrong. He informs Dad that he’s struggling with the concept of “Theory vs Reality”

“I think I can help you son- Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a Million Dollars”
Somewhat confused, the young man finds his Mom and asks her. After pondering the question for a moment she says “Well it is a lot of money. I don’t think I could turn it down”
So he retur...

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X-Rated Cinderella

You all know the story, Cinderella makes a deal with the Fairy Godmother to go out to the ball, but this time, at midnight, its her downstairs that turns into a pumpkin.

So away she goes to find her Prince, while the Fairy Godmother sits at home waiting.

12 o'clock rolls around, and th...

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A man lost an arm...

A dark humoured joke told to me by an old fellow, so ye have been warned:

A man had lost an arm.
He grew extremely depressed because of this, to the point where he was prepared to kill himself.
The noose was set, but out the window something caught his eye:
A man with no arms, and he...

Getting your farts back in...

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly. Every morning, when he awoke, the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning sh...

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The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting....

The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastard...

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A boy is in the car with his dad driving

Behind them is a police car which begins to flash its lights.

“Oh you shithead” says the dad in annoyance.

But it turns out the police car was signalling someone else and its was fine.

“Daddy” the boy says “what does shithead mean?”

Chuckling, the dad replies “I was on ...

A man is shopping for lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret for his wife on Valentine’s day...

When looking around, he notices that as the prices of the lingerie go up, so does the skimpiness and how see-thru the fabric is. The most expensive item is $500.

Being in a good mood, the man decides to purchase the most expensive item.

He heads home to meet his wife and show her his...

A man wakes hungover

A man wakes up in his bed with a terrible hangover. He looks to his bedside table and finds some ibuprofen and a glass of water. He glances around the bedroom and sees that it is cleaner than usual and his work clothes are laid out. He pops the ibuprofen and washes it down with water, and finds a no...

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Two little kids decide to cuss like Dad

Two boys were in their bedroom before school one morning, the oldest boy looks at the younger one and says "hey let's start cussing today like Dad does." Little brother says alright yeah! The older brother said I'll find a way to say hell and you find a way to say ass. The little brother then agreed...

Little Johnny wanted a red bicycle for Christmas.

He asked his mother, “Can I have a red bicycle for Christmas?”

“No, you’ve been a bad boy all year. Why do you think Santa should get you a red bicycle for Christmas? I want you to go and write a letter to God explaining why you should get a red bicycle for Christmas.”

So Little Johnny...

A farmer has three daughters.

A boy knocks on the door and says "I'm Eddie and I'm here to take Betty for spaghetti."

The farmer calls Betty and she goes on her date with the young man.

Another boy knocks on the door and says to the farmer "I'm Joe and I'm here to take Flo to the show".

The farmer calls Flo...

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Supermodel threesome

A 20 year old supermodel girl is driving down the road, coming home after a day of work.

When suddenly, she hits a pothole and her car dies.

She gets out, and calls triple A. But there is no cell reception.

So she sees a house and begs the man inside to use his phone.

But...

Three Daughters.

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married". So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymo...