Wife: I have bag full of clothes I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? It's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

Where does Darth Vader buy his clothes?

At the Death Store

I knew a nun once who was addicted to wearing clothes a third of her size.

I never could figure out how she got into the habit.

What do you call a Canadian who puts away their winter clothes in May?

An optimist.

I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right.

It was a fitting room.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see....

The local nun has always been washing and hanging her clothes outside the church every other day for decades.

But recently, when it came time to collect the dried clothes, it was at least -30C and she just broke her habit.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderwear!




that was from my 5 year old who is clearly funnier than me

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

Where does Bob Ross go shopping for clothes?

Ross.

In a Bar a hostess was putting up a show..She kept taking of layers of her clothes, Whenever she removed a layer, people clapped like mad. In the end, she removed the last layer, But nobody clapped..

...Because nobody can clap with 1 hand

A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a poultry farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

Afte...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs

I was really surprised when I found out that a kid made them

Honey I want to donate my clothes

Wife: Thinking of donating my clothes which I am not using anymore

Husband: No point donating, you can trash those

Wife: there are lots of women who are hungry and depraved, they could use my clothes

Husband: honey, if your dress fits another woman do you think they would have e...

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

Why did the man rub a pufferfish on his clothes?

To give off a certain bloroma

Psychics, clairvoyants and fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for...

Because they're all mediums

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

What do you call it when someone suddenly decides to take all of their clothes off?

spontanudity

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding...

We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose..."

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason t...

My wife just told me she was going to donate some of her clothes to the needy

I told her anybody who could fit in her clothes definitely isn’t very needy.

Better make sure you have some warm clothes—

It’s supposed to be in the 20s tomorrow.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said sh...

Wife says to her Husband, I am going to donate all of the clothes I no longer wear to Charity.

Wife: I am going to donate them all to the starving women in Africa.

Husband: If any of your clothes fit them, they definitely not starving.

Damn baby, are your clothes made out of gold, titanium, sulfur and carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

A joke from my son: "where do horses change their clothes?"

The ranch dressing room.

A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face

"Where in the hell are you off to?" He asked

The wife replied, "Im off to New York!"

"Whats so special about New York?" The man asked

"In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!" She shouted

The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes ...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

The young queen of France was getting her clothes washed.

One of the maids called on the other slightly deaf maid to come down and help her wash the clothes.

"Hey, can you help me? There is a stain on The Majesties pants!"

"Come again?"

"Probably!"

I recently bought chainsaw resistant clothes...

They were really expensive but hey at least they didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of t...

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A virgin man and a virgin woman...

A virgin man and a virgin woman who never saw anyone from the other sex naked before, were riding on a camel through the desert. Then in the middle of the desert, the camel stopped walking and was tired, it was hungry, thirsty and there wasn’t any water or food. They waited for a while, but the came...

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor to complain that his voice is too squeaky

... he says ^^"Doctor, ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^very ^^squeaky ^^voice ^^and ^^my ^^wife ^^can't ^^stand ^^it"

The doctor responds: "Drop your pants"

The guy drops his pants and reveals a massive schlong.

The doctor says, "Aha! There's your problem! Your dick is so big that is pulling o...

Are camo-pattern clothes still in fashion?

I don't see them anywhere these days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like Math

Add a bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs
And hope to not multiply

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female)

Maid: I need a raise

Owner: you already have got a raise

Maid: that was 18 months ago

Owner: why do you then deserve this raise?

Maid: I am better than you in many things

Owner: ok tell me

Maid...

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

Where does Dorian Gray get his clothes?

Forever 21.

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?

Aw shucks!

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with the skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”

I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

imagine how terrible a granddaughter you have to be

to visit your grandma so infrequently that you can't tell if it's a wolf dressed in her clothes and not her

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Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, St...

What’s the suns favourite clothes brand?

Kelvin Klein

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

I’m such a bad drawer.

I can’t hold clothes for my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having sex in bed with his best friend, the local MP.

‘How could you, Miranda?’ he cried. ‘After everything I’ve done for you. I’ve given you this beautiful house, I’ve always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I’ve tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!’

Hearing ...

Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

PRIDE Month is the best month for Goodwill

A lot of clothes are leaving the closet

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

Judo - it's the art of folding clothes perfectly...

...while the people are still in them.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "...

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

Guy goes into a bar trying to pick a woman...

He moves from table to table chatting up the ladies, but nobody is interested.

Then at the back of the room, he sees a dude sitting there with girls all around him, laughing, and hugging him, hanging on his every word, giggling at his every joke.

Later he sees that guy in the bathroo...

My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

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Post in front of a bar. Complete 3 challenges win 10000$

A man sees the post and goes in to ask the bartender about it. The challenges are simple.

1. Drink two bottles of vodka.

2. Behind the door there's a crocodile with a loose tooth. Take out the tooth.

3. There's a stubborn girl in a room upstairs. Give her an orgasm.

He...

A wife walks in on her husband screwing some woman and says " That's it! I'm leaving you, this is the final straw!"

The man jumps up & says " Hold on, let me explain!" She waits. He tells her this...

"I met this girl at the store & she was broke, dirty & hungry. So I brought her home to help her with what ever I could. I let her take a bath, but before she got in the bath, I thought about those...

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