Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory.

It was rough.

An explosion happened at a clothes store.

There were many casual tees.

Give a man some clothes and he’ll be clothed for a day.

Teach a man to weave and he’ll be naked for a very long time.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

Wife: I’m going to donate all my old clothes to starving people

Husband: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes, isn’t starving...

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences

But overall, this shouldn't be an issue

Ive been thinking that the dryer has been shrinking my clothes...

Turns out if was the refrigerator!

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

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I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all of her clothes off

So I took off her blouse

She said “Now, off with my skirt.”

I did, and she continued “Now, off with my stockings”

And when I did that she said “Now my bra and panties.”

I took them off and she continued, “Now, don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Where do spellcasters and the undead buy their clothes?

Aberzombie and Witch.

An 80 year old man went to buy some clothes. He tried some modern tight dresses and when asked for a feedback, he told "These are like cheaply made castles."

No ball room

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied,

“Its a bad habit”

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

What's the name of the clothes shop Michael Jackson visited the most?

Billie JEANS

Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns?

Because their clothes are mass produced...

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said: "I think you have the wrong room!"

The old woman replied: "I'm in the right room alright..You put in my husband's teeth last week...Now you have to remove them!"

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

Where does a laundryman who washes lots of clothes live?

Washington

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

The the first thing to do after you realize you've made a mistake is to locate your clothes.

Then get the heck outta there before that mistake wakes up.

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My friends told my my clothes were gay

I told them yes, they came out of the closet this morning

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

What do you call an ironing board that wrinkles your clothes even more?

An irony board.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it’s too cold out Tide.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

"Honey," said my wife, "what do you think of the clothes I bought?"

"Ask that vase over there," I pointed. "It will give you a better answer than I ever will."

"What?" she questioned. "The vase...can't speak."

"Exactly."

My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

My wife keeps asking me how her clothes look. Today she asked me if she should wear a mask.

As usual I said, "Yeah, it makes you look better." Apparently, this time it wasn't the correct answer.

What clothes shouldn’t you wear inside?

Clothes that are worn out.

Have you heard about the quick clothes maker?

Some have said she is a Tailor, Swift

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office without any clothes on but wrapped head to toe in saran wrap.

Psychiatrist says..... I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Wife: I have bag full of clothes I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? It's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

Went to see the doctor last week and he told me to take off my clothes

Where shall I put them I asked

over there next to mine he said

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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A girl walks into the confession stand in a church...

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

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NSFW:A preacher asked his congregation for help one sunday .

The preacher stood up and asked his congregation for help by giving anything they could to Brother Thomas because his house burned down the other day . One man stod up and said
" i have some old clothes and such he can have "

"Thank you" said the preacher . Another man stood up and said ...

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wi...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Used to know a guy who worked at the GAP. Spent half his paychecks buying clothes there.

He really sold himself shorts.

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Sex & Good Grammar NSFW

**On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.** **The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who** **was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medic...

As a man, I would not mind wearing women's clothes

If only they were not such a drag.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

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A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

‟What's up?” he says.

‟I'm having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, ‟Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's ...

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

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The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

I miss the days when I could just do crazy things. Like once I went an entire semester only wearing clothes I made out of notebook paper.

College ruled.

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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

A United States was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared away Marine would do. He went ar...

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

Where does Darth Vader buy his clothes?

At the Death Store

I knew a nun once who was addicted to wearing clothes a third of her size.

I never could figure out how she got into the habit.

Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs

I was really surprised when I found out that a kid made them

Why do Congolese wear only new clothes?

There are no second hands.

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderwear!




that was from my 5 year old who is clearly funnier than me

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

This feline messed up my clothes

What a catastrophe!

A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

A maid asks for a raise

*Mrs*: Why do you think you deserve a raise? You have only worked here for a month.

*Maid*: I have three reasons, the first being that I cook better than you.

*Mrs*: who told you that?

*Maid*: Your husband said it.

*Mrs*: And what else?

*Maid*: He also told me that...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see....

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

‟Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, ‟I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

”Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.‟

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. ”Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,‟ the medic s...

Why do the clothes in Beauty and the Beast look so old-fashioned?

Tailors old as time…

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

Go to your mother

Wife is busy packing clothes.

Hubby: Where are you going?

Wife: To my mother.

Hubby also starts packing clothes.

Wife: And where do you think you are going?

Hubby: I’m also going to my mother.

Wife: What about the kids?

Hubby: Since you are going...

I was trying to find a place in the clothes shop to try on some shirts. Finally found somewhere just right.

It was a fitting room.

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How is Russian election meddling like stripping off all your clothes and riding a bicycle made out of Cheetos?

If you don't be careful, you'll end up with an Orange Asshole.

The local nun has always been washing and hanging her clothes outside the church every other day for decades.

But recently, when it came time to collect the dried clothes, it was at least -30C and she just broke her habit.

What do you call a Canadian who puts away their winter clothes in May?

An optimist.

I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come...

I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

Honey I want to donate my clothes

Wife: Thinking of donating my clothes which I am not using anymore

Husband: No point donating, you can trash those

Wife: there are lots of women who are hungry and depraved, they could use my clothes

Husband: honey, if your dress fits another woman do you think they would have e...

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

An engineering student rides up to his fellow engineering student on a bicycle

His buddy asks him "Where did you get the bicycle?"

"Crazy story! A beautiful blonde rode up to me in this bike, got off, stripped off all her clothes, and told me "take what you want!""

"Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyways..."

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Three nurses at a morgue find a dead man with...

**Disclaimer: I’m sorry**

Three nurses working at a morgue find a dead man with an erection.

The first nurse says, “Well, I can’t let that go to waste,” and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse nervously explains that she has her period but then ride...

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

The one with the Exterminator

A woman is in bed with his
Lover when her husband arrives home. The lover immediately hides inside the closet, while the woman covers with a sheet.
The husband changes clothes and opens the closet, finding the naked man.
“what are you doing in this closet?”, the husband asks.
- well,...

A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife did not have a good time at the party, so she came home e...

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

Where does Bob Ross go shopping for clothes?

Ross.

In a Bar a hostess was putting up a show..She kept taking of layers of her clothes, Whenever she removed a layer, people clapped like mad. In the end, she removed the last layer, But nobody clapped..

...Because nobody can clap with 1 hand

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

What are the causes of climate change?

The climate changes when it gets tired of wearing the same old clothes.

There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

Musings

Deep in thought, Melody turns to her husband and says. "If I were to die, would you remarry?" "I'm still a young man" states the husband. "After an appropriate mourning period, yes I think I would". "Would she sleep in my bed?" Melody mused. "I suppose so, after all, it is mine as well". "Would...

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A man goes outside to take a stroll.

Whilst walking down the street, he sees a gorgeous woman and approaches her.

"I'll fuck you twice and then I'll give you $1000", he says to the woman.

The woman thinks about his offer and agrees. So they head to a nearby motel, where the man passionately makes love with the women.
<...

My mom looked at me and...

My mom looked at me and said, take off my shirt, so I took off her shirt... She then said take off my bra, so I took off her bra... Nervous about what she would say next, she said take off my panties... She looked at me in my eyes and then said, now that's the last time I want to see you wearing my ...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

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