Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

I CAN'T GET INTO MY HAT CUPBOARD!

MY CAPS LOCKED

Me and the wife decided against slow close cupboard doors

How the hell are we supposed to know when we're mad at each other?

What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

I can only blame my shelf.




Shout out to /r/shubreddit

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the cupboard?

SUPPLIES!

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

What did Mick Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

A wife always kept a cupboard in the house locked...

Naturally, the husband was very curious about what she kept in there, but the wife wouldn't let him see and he respected her right to privacy. After many years, the wife fell gravely ill. Feeling her final days were upon her, she said to her husband

"I think it's time I showed you what's insi...

What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell?

Elrond's cupboard.

you met the short guy who came out of the cupboard?

that was a low blow

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

The Best Way to Drink Tequila

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really li...

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

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I'm not saying it's too long since I got laid,

but this morning there was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the food cupboard, and now there's just a bottle of olive oil.

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

A visit to my gynaecologist

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The ...

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3 Boys in a classroom named Zip, Willy & Piss

The teacher left the room for a brief period of time so the boys decided to mess about.

Zip climbed on top of a cupboard, Willy decided to hide in the cupboard and piss was jumping across the tables.

The teacher came back whilst they were doing this and shouted “Zip down, Willy out...

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Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

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A girl comes crying into her mother's home

and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.

The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"

"Its a magic...

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Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes ...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

I just got an awesome "Do it yourself" robot. The DIY-HANDYBOT 2.0

Me: "Could you build me a cupboard?"

Handybot: "Do it yourself."

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A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

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Catfood

So this woman has her bridge club every Thursday night, and after a peaceful game or three with the ladies she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game, she has an incredible hand, when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I ...

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

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swearing parrot joke

A man bought a parrot. But sadly, it's previous owners used some really nasty words, and the parrot didn't stop swearing!

so the man yells at the parrot, takes away it's food, and threatens to lock it in the cupboard.

but the parrot doesn't shut up, so the man locks it in the cupboard....

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man goes to his doctor...

man goes to his doctor and begins to explain

"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes...

I wrote something funny on a paper...

I wrote something funny on a paper and hid it inside a cupboard. No one could get it. It was an inside joke.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be ab...

Me: "Alexa, add tinfoil for hats to my shopping cart."

Alexa: "I ordered yesterday after I noticed you had 3 sheets left in your upper right cupboard. You're all good."

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

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I decided to play a joke on my dad

Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.

This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the tabl...

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.

She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"

Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

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Joe comes home from the factory laughing.

He says to his wife, "Hey, honey! You know that guy Bill Henry? He claims he fucked every woman on our street except for one! Can you believe that shit?"

His wife wipes a dish and puts it into the cupboard. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins..."

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee...

How does a black person babysit the white neighbor kid?

He Puts him in the cupboard with the rest of the crackers.

went to confession after a long break

I was feeling depressed, and life wasn't going so well, when walking down the street I passed the church. It had been many years since I went to church, and just as long since I last went to the confessional.
Perhaps, I thought, getting right with god would help fix my life.

I went into th...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

Mother nature decides to buy a condo in Miami Beach.

Mother nature decided she would like to be a snowbird and bought a condo in Miami Beach. All of the mythological creatures were invited to her housewarming party.

Father time gave her a beautiful grandfather clock.
Jack Frost presented her with a state of art air conditioning system.
Th...

What do call a cabinet that you constantly put money into yet it gives you nothing of value in return?

L. Ron Cupboard

A drinking contest

Three men are sitting in a bar, they decide to have a drinking contest. They all play games and generally use any excuse whatsoever to test their livers against one another during the course of the evening. The winner is announced and they all stagger home to their pits.

The next day they mee...

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

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Tractors

So there's this guy who loves tractors. Ever since he was young and his father sat him upon one of these beastly machines, he's been in love with them. Growing up, he bought toy tractors, he drew tractors, he even had tractor wallpaper.

As he got older, he eventually bought a tractor with hi...

There was a police squad chasing a very fast thief...

They soon lost him. They saw a man standing nearby, eating a sandwich. The chief of the squad asked him, "There was a man in a red and black checkered shirt running, where did he go?". The man eating the sandwich replied:

"You see this road? Upon going straight and taking a right, there will ...

Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes?

In the L Ron cupboard.

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I think the worst part about making your own porn movie is . . .

. . .when the couple hear you in the cupboard

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Mrs. Pink

Mrs. Pink lived in Pinkville in her pink house on a beautiful pink hillside. It was getting late so she decided it was time for bed. She walked up her pink staircase, down the pink hallway, turned the pink doorknob on the first pink door on the right, went in her pink bedroom lied down in her pink b...

There were three unruly kids in detention

Their names were Zip, Willie and Pee. The teacher briefly left the room and the three kids saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. Zip jumped up onto a table and started dancing. Willie went into the teachers cupboard and Pee started running around.

The teacher shortly came back, saw th...

Mommy Mommy (SA joke)

Why is Daddy hanging in the cupboard?
Shut up, and eat your biltong.

A man comes home from work to the sound of moaning from his wife...

...so he runs upstairs and finds his wife naked in bed. She shouts, "Help, help, I'm having a heart attack!" So the man bolts downstairs and as he reaches the bottom, his son comes up to him. "I saw Uncle Derrick go into Mummy's bedroom with Mum and she started making large groaning noises." So he s...

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

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