I CAN'T GET INTO MY HAT CUPBOARD!

MY CAPS LOCKED

Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

What did Mick Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

I can only blame my shelf.




Shout out to /r/shubreddit

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

A wife always kept a cupboard in the house locked...

Naturally, the husband was very curious about what she kept in there, but the wife wouldn't let him see and he respected her right to privacy. After many years, the wife fell gravely ill. Feeling her final days were upon her, she said to her husband

"I think it's time I showed you what's insi...

What's a Scientologist's favourite piece of furniture in Rivendell?

Elrond's cupboard.

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the cupboard?

SUPPLIES!

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of ...

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

I just got an awesome "Do it yourself" robot. The DIY-HANDYBOT 2.0

Me: "Could you build me a cupboard?"

Handybot: "Do it yourself."

A visit to my gynaecologist

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The ...

you met the short guy who came out of the cupboard?

that was a low blow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

On the snowy mountains of eastern Asia, there live a secluded group of monks

Bi-weekly the head monk teaches a class of young monks the way of their order. One particular class began with the head monk explaining that while the world is full of hidden meaning, objects are nothing but themselves, and thus meaningless. The head monk said 'you see children, this vase I hold is ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes ...

Old Mother Hubbard...

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl comes crying into her mother's home

and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.

The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"

"Its a magic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

Two CIA agents were staying at a hotel in Moscow.

One was concerned that the room was bugged, so the other said, “Don’t worry, let’s check.” So they looked all over the room for any hidden microphones; behind the drapes, inside the cupboards, even behind the paintings. Underneath the rug, they found a metal disc with four screws. The two agents qui...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dig Bick

A rumor was floating around a school about the sophomore moron; Johnny, regarding his junk. Apparently Johnny was packing enough heat to put a horse to shame.
Recent divorcee and history teacher Miss Stevens caught wind of these rumors in the staff room one day and made it her personal mission to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catfood

So this woman has her bridge club every Thursday night, and after a peaceful game or three with the ladies she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game, she has an incredible hand, when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I ...

I wrote something funny on a paper...

I wrote something funny on a paper and hid it inside a cupboard. No one could get it. It was an inside joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

swearing parrot joke

A man bought a parrot. But sadly, it's previous owners used some really nasty words, and the parrot didn't stop swearing!

so the man yells at the parrot, takes away it's food, and threatens to lock it in the cupboard.

but the parrot doesn't shut up, so the man locks it in the cupboard....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

man goes to his doctor...

man goes to his doctor and begins to explain

"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes...

Me: "Alexa, add tinfoil for hats to my shopping cart."

Alexa: "I ordered yesterday after I noticed you had 3 sheets left in your upper right cupboard. You're all good."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I decided to play a joke on my dad

Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.

This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the tabl...

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The genie and the russian

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking ...

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

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Joe comes home from the factory laughing.

He says to his wife, "Hey, honey! You know that guy Bill Henry? He claims he fucked every woman on our street except for one! Can you believe that shit?"

His wife wipes a dish and puts it into the cupboard. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

I like my women like I like my coffee...

Ground up and in the cupboard.

went to confession after a long break

I was feeling depressed, and life wasn't going so well, when walking down the street I passed the church. It had been many years since I went to church, and just as long since I last went to the confessional.
Perhaps, I thought, getting right with god would help fix my life.

I went into th...

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be ab...

How does a black person babysit the white neighbor kid?

He Puts him in the cupboard with the rest of the crackers.

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

What do call a cabinet that you constantly put money into yet it gives you nothing of value in return?

L. Ron Cupboard

A drinking contest

Three men are sitting in a bar, they decide to have a drinking contest. They all play games and generally use any excuse whatsoever to test their livers against one another during the course of the evening. The winner is announced and they all stagger home to their pits.

The next day they mee...

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.

She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"

Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a little black boy...

Is playing in the kitchen while his mom is cooking. He gets an idea and goes over to the cupboard and grabs a bag of flour. He proceeds to thoroughly coat himself in a layer of flour. Smiling, he walks up to his mom and says"look mom, I'm a little white boy!". She slaps him across the face and says ...

There was a police squad chasing a very fast thief...

They soon lost him. They saw a man standing nearby, eating a sandwich. The chief of the squad asked him, "There was a man in a red and black checkered shirt running, where did he go?". The man eating the sandwich replied:

"You see this road? Upon going straight and taking a right, there will ...

Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes?

In the L Ron cupboard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tractors

So there's this guy who loves tractors. Ever since he was young and his father sat him upon one of these beastly machines, he's been in love with them. Growing up, he bought toy tractors, he drew tractors, he even had tractor wallpaper.

As he got older, he eventually bought a tractor with hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was a snowy Christmas Eve, many years ago, and Santa Claus was having a bad night.

The elves had been hard hit by a terrible sneezing virus. Many of the toys had to be cleaned off with sanitary wipes, and production was days behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus surprised Santa with some good news. "My mother is coming to visit, and she can stay the whole week!"

Mutterin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think the worst part about making your own porn movie is . . .

. . .when the couple hear you in the cupboard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Pink

Mrs. Pink lived in Pinkville in her pink house on a beautiful pink hillside. It was getting late so she decided it was time for bed. She walked up her pink staircase, down the pink hallway, turned the pink doorknob on the first pink door on the right, went in her pink bedroom lied down in her pink b...

There were three unruly kids in detention

Their names were Zip, Willie and Pee. The teacher briefly left the room and the three kids saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. Zip jumped up onto a table and started dancing. Willie went into the teachers cupboard and Pee started running around.

The teacher shortly came back, saw th...

Mommy Mommy (SA joke)

Why is Daddy hanging in the cupboard?
Shut up, and eat your biltong.

A man comes home from work to the sound of moaning from his wife...

...so he runs upstairs and finds his wife naked in bed. She shouts, "Help, help, I'm having a heart attack!" So the man bolts downstairs and as he reaches the bottom, his son comes up to him. "I saw Uncle Derrick go into Mummy's bedroom with Mum and she started making large groaning noises." So he s...

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is at it again.

Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day. He had been very, very naughty with his classmate, Mary Jane. Little Johnny's mom was very upset with this news and she warned Johnny he was surely going to get it when his father got home.
Little Johnny's dad finally came home from work an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were sitting down for dinner one night...

...When the wife goes "you know, the neighbours have an amazing layout for their kitchen with granite benches and beautiful cupboards, I see it from our kitchen every day, why can't we do something like that?". The Man thinks for a moment before replying "tell you what, I have the day off tomorrow s...