Why did the Cupboard learn Karate?

for Shelf-Defense

I CAN'T GET INTO MY HAT CUPBOARD!

MY CAPS LOCKED

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the cupboard?

SUPPLIES!

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

What is the difference between a flat girl and a cupboard

The cupboard has a rack.

Two people were having a competition to name a storage unit, one of them wanted to call it a "sneaky shelf" and the other thought "deep cupboard" would fit nicely.

In the end the votes were almost even, so they called it a draw

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[NSFW]: A couple is having sex when the husband notices their neighbour watching them from the cupboard.

A couple is having sex when the husband notices their neighbour watching them from the cupboard. Upon noticing him, the husband immediately asks,

Voy-eur you inside my cupboard?

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

I left a chocolate bar in the cupboard too long and it’s gone mouldy.

Life on Mars confirmed.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

What do you call a dead blonde in a cupboard?

Hide and Seek Champion: 2002.

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Have you ever been caught masturbating in the cupboard?

No? It's a good hiding spot isn't it.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

Me and the wife decided against slow close cupboard doors

How the hell are we supposed to know when we're mad at each other?

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

What did Sean Connery say when a book from his cupboard fell on him?

I can only blame my shelf.




Shout out to /r/shubreddit

A wife is asking her husband for help.

First she asks if he can help fix her car.
“I’m not a mechanic” he replies.

Next she asks if he can fix the faucet in the kitchen.
“I’m not a plumber” he says.

Lastly she asks if he can help fix the broken cupboard door.
“I’m not a carpenter” he says.


The foll...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

What did Mick Jagger do when he found his cupboard was infested with moths?

Nothing. A rolling stone gathers no moths.

A wife always kept a cupboard in the house locked...

Naturally, the husband was very curious about what she kept in there, but the wife wouldn't let him see and he respected her right to privacy. After many years, the wife fell gravely ill. Feeling her final days were upon her, she said to her husband

"I think it's time I showed you what's insi...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

Perfect reason

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?

Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.

Why did the old man sneak past the cupboard?

He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

you met the short guy who came out of the cupboard?

that was a low blow

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A boy and a girl are arguing whose parent is better.

Boy: “My dad is strong.”

Girl: “My mom is stronger! She lifts weights.”

“Well, my dad has a penis.”

“So does my mom!”

“Noooo, your mom can’t have a penis! Moms don’t have penises.”

“Yes she does! I saw it today in her cupboard!”

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

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Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

Coo, it's dark in here.

A man is busy banging a woman in bed, when the front door slams shut. Alarmed the woman says "Quick get in the cupboard".

So the man runs into the cupboard and shuts the door. Standing in the dark a voice goes " Coo it's dark in here" jumping the man looks around and in the darkness he can m...

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

My grandfather said: if one door is closing - another will be open

Wise man, but terrible cupboard-maker

My doctor told me to reduce my calories.

So I went home, raided the cupboards, and ate half of eight muffins.



The next time I saw him, he looked me up and down, and said, "Have you been reducing your calories?"



I said, "Yes. Just the other day I ate half of eight muffins."



"What! You haven't lis...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

I had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner

All it did was sit in the cupboard and gather dust

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I'm not saying it's too long since I got laid,

but this morning there was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the food cupboard, and now there's just a bottle of olive oil.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be ab...

Transformers

Last night at midnight, my wife came downstairs into the kitchen where I was noisily going through the cupboards with one hand while in the other was my semi automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing" she demanded.
I glanced up at her and answered "Looking for Decepticons."
There was a...

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee...

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A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.

She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"

Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

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man goes to his doctor...

man goes to his doctor and begins to explain

"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes...

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

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Did you hear about little Johnny?

Little Johnny was in grade 2, one day after class he was sitting in the back yard playing with his dinky cars and his dad sitting on the deck watching. Little Johnny is playing a lot quietly when a butterfly floats infront of little Johnny and *THUNCK* Little Johnny smashes the butterfly. Dad comes ...

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I decided to play a joke on my dad

Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.

This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the tabl...

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

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Tractors

So there's this guy who loves tractors. Ever since he was young and his father sat him upon one of these beastly machines, he's been in love with them. Growing up, he bought toy tractors, he drew tractors, he even had tractor wallpaper.

As he got older, he eventually bought a tractor with hi...

On the snowy mountains of eastern Asia, there live a secluded group of monks

Bi-weekly the head monk teaches a class of young monks the way of their order. One particular class began with the head monk explaining that while the world is full of hidden meaning, objects are nothing but themselves, and thus meaningless. The head monk said 'you see children, this vase I hold is ...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

I wrote something funny on a paper...

I wrote something funny on a paper and hid it inside a cupboard. No one could get it. It was an inside joke.

How does a black person babysit the white neighbor kid?

He Puts him in the cupboard with the rest of the crackers.

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Catfood

So this woman has her bridge club every Thursday night, and after a peaceful game or three with the ladies she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game, she has an incredible hand, when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I ...

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Joe comes home from the factory laughing.

He says to his wife, "Hey, honey! You know that guy Bill Henry? He claims he fucked every woman on our street except for one! Can you believe that shit?"

His wife wipes a dish and puts it into the cupboard. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins..."

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

went to confession after a long break

I was feeling depressed, and life wasn't going so well, when walking down the street I passed the church. It had been many years since I went to church, and just as long since I last went to the confessional.
Perhaps, I thought, getting right with god would help fix my life.

I went into th...

What do call a cabinet that you constantly put money into yet it gives you nothing of value in return?

L. Ron Cupboard

A drinking contest

Three men are sitting in a bar, they decide to have a drinking contest. They all play games and generally use any excuse whatsoever to test their livers against one another during the course of the evening. The winner is announced and they all stagger home to their pits.

The next day they mee...

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Mrs. Pink

Mrs. Pink lived in Pinkville in her pink house on a beautiful pink hillside. It was getting late so she decided it was time for bed. She walked up her pink staircase, down the pink hallway, turned the pink doorknob on the first pink door on the right, went in her pink bedroom lied down in her pink b...

Where did L Ron Hubbard store his dishes?

In the L Ron cupboard.

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Walnut daiquiri.

So there's a bar located across the street from a doctors office. The bartender's name is Dick.
Every day at 5:00 the doctor closes his office and goes over to the bar and has a walnut daiquiri before heading home.
Dick knows the doctor's routine and always has the drink ready for him when h...

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I think the worst part about making your own porn movie is . . .

. . .when the couple hear you in the cupboard

Mommy Mommy (SA joke)

Why is Daddy hanging in the cupboard?
Shut up, and eat your biltong.

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

There were three unruly kids in detention

Their names were Zip, Willie and Pee. The teacher briefly left the room and the three kids saw this as an opportunity to have some fun. Zip jumped up onto a table and started dancing. Willie went into the teachers cupboard and Pee started running around.

The teacher shortly came back, saw th...

A man comes home from work to the sound of moaning from his wife...

...so he runs upstairs and finds his wife naked in bed. She shouts, "Help, help, I'm having a heart attack!" So the man bolts downstairs and as he reaches the bottom, his son comes up to him. "I saw Uncle Derrick go into Mummy's bedroom with Mum and she started making large groaning noises." So he s...

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