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Suitcase Jokes

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

I hate hotel towels

So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase

Husband came home drunk. …

…To avoid wife's scolding, he took his laptop & started working.
Wife: Did u drink?
Husband : no
Wife: Idiot, why are you typing on a suitcase!

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My wife and I were going on holiday..

And we were discussing our secret sexual fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed.

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase..

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

Help

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rul...

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

An old man was visiting his daughter and grandson

During the visit, the grandson crawled up into his lap and said "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why sure!" the man said & offered several croaking ribbit sounds.

Delighted, the boy jumped down and ran over to a nearby closet, working hard to remove a suitcase from th...

Mother

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief,...

My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.

I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...

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Man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks “what are you doing?”…

She says, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes can make $500 for doing what I do with you for free”.

As the wife is getting to leave, she walks by the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Excuse me, what are you doing??”

Husband replies - “Coming to New York, I...

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.

A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.

When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father"...

A man tells his friend that he has a dog in a suitcase who can play the piano.

The friend says “ok let’s see it”. The man opens the suitcase and sure enough a small dog with a small piano comes out and plays the piano with great skill. As he plays a crowd gathers around to watch. After some time a female dog comes out from the crowd, picks him up by the scruff and carries him ...

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

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The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

My wife bought a new suitcase for work

She asked if I wanted to know why she bought that specific one

I reply with a "no"

She asks why, and I say, "Because it's a pretty open and shut case"

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

What to do with all those foreskins

A lifelong *mohel*, a doctor who specializes in circumcision, collects all of the foreskins he has removed over the course of his career. One day while cleaning his office, he decides to do something with them, but what?
"They are skin after all, so I'll take them to a craftsman." He decides to ...

A father and a daughter are travelling in a big foreign city

They are attacked by a group of robbers, and they are left destitute. The father breaks into tears.

"My daughter, what are we going to do now? We are doomed!" He cries, hopeless.

"No, we are not", says the daughter smiling, and hands him his wallet with all the money in place.
...

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

Two lawyers enter a restaurant.

They both pull up suitcases onto the table they're on, and take out a sandwich each from their suitcases. Seeing this, a waiter comes up to them and tells them they cannot eat their own food in the restaurant. With an irritated tsk and a shake of the head, the two lawyers exchange their sandwiches, ...

Little boy asks his dad for a new bike.

His dad says, 'Gee son. I'm sorry but we have a $40,000 a year mortgage and your mom just lost her job so I really can't get you one right now."

Boy says, 'OK pops. I understand." and goes off to his room.

The next morning his dad is in the kitchen making coffee and getting ready for w...

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

A country bumpkin goes to visit the Big City...

A country bumpkin goes to visit the Big City. He steps off the train and is blown away by all the people and the tall buildings. He stands in front of one and looks up. It's the tallest building he's ever seen!

There's a guy leaning on the building. He says, "Hey buddy, you like that building...

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

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A man comes home from work

Where he finds his wife loading suitcases into a taxi cab. Confused, he asks her what she is doing. She tells him, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas." Even more confused he asks, "Why? What's in Las Vegas?". His wife responds and says, "I heard I can make $300 for a blowjob there."

The...

Going on a trip…

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"

Most common Last words before death

1. throw me that grenade, i know how to deal with it.
2. it‘s 100% safe!
3. green is always grounding.
4. turn left, I know it there.
5. I slept with your sister.
6. it‘s ok, dogs loves me.
7. oh, they changed color of my pills.
8. Somebody forgot his suitcase.
9. let‘s have ...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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You can't take it with you

A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does...

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".

(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

I was assisting a Dr. doing circumcisions

and he asked me “Don’t you ever wonder what I do with all these forskins? I take them home and make wallets out of them…when you rub them they turn into suitcases.”

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a ...

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

A man and his wife are exploring the woods

They stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens the suitcase to discover two mice inside that don’t appear to be alive.


“Oh my gosh, are they moving?” exclaims the man’s wife.


The man replies “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

What's the difference between a suitcase and an elephant?

You can pack a suitcase, but you can't pachyderm

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

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A guy woke up one morning..

and heard a voice inside his head that said, "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignored it, but later that day he heard it again, more insistent. "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" The harder he tried, the mor...

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.

"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.

"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

Retiring Dr.

A doctor who delivered thousands of babies over his career is finally retiring. He had an odd habit but whenever he circumcised a baby boy he would throw the foreskin in a large gallon jar of formaldehyde. As he is cleaning out his office there sits this large Jar and he begins to think "What can I...

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...

I lost the case.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

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A man walks into a bar with a suitcase..

..and orders a drink. Bored, he opens his suitcase and takes out a piano and sets it on the table. Then he reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man in a tuxedo. The tiny man immediately starts playing the piano.

The bartender is impressed. He says, " Wow! Thats amazing! Where ...

Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

A Rabbi is thinking to himself one day...

"What do I do with all of these foreskins?"

As a Rabbi, he had accumulated at least a thousand foreskins and was stumped at what to do with them. Finally, he decides to take all of these foreskins to a leather worker to see if the leather worker could make something out of them.

The ...

Why don’t photons carry suitcases on vacation?

They travel light.

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

Nightie night!!

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw i...

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase

He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerla...

At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

Did you hear about the person who was murdered and put into a suitcase?

It was an open and shut case.

I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road

"Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

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Said to my wife “Pack your suitcases I’ve won the lottery!”

She said pack for hot weather or cold weather?

I replied “I don’t give a fuck just get out!”

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

What did the son say to his father when he lost his suitcase in the airport on their trip to the middle east?

"Where's baghdad?"

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up.

I was carrying emotional baggage.

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the ...

I could never date a suitcase

Just too much baggage for me I guess

I climbed on a tree with a suitcase.

My aim is to become a branch manager.

My mate bought a new suitcase

My mate bought a new suitcase advertised as 'indestructible!', with a lifetime guarantee.

One week later one of the wheels broke clean off and the case would fall over when being used.

He tried to return his broken suitcase but the company refused to deal with him.

'Im going to ...

An Irishman, an American, a Mexican and an Arab board a plane with two suitcases each

Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that the plane is rapidly losing altitude and that they must throw a suitcase each to lose weight.

The Irishman opens his suitcases: one has bombs and old IRA memorabilia inside, the other is filled with cans of Guinness for the trip. "There's t...

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A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

When I get home from work, I like to pack myself into really small suitcases.

I can hardly contain myself.

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A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her suitcase.

"What's going on baby?"

"I'm leaving you!"

"Why?"

"I just found out you're a pedophile!"

"A pedophile??? Well that's an awfully big word for a fourteen year old."

A man finds a rhumba of rattlesnakes inside a suitcase

So he calls 911 and tells the operator about the matter at hand. The operator is shocked to hear this and asks whether the snakes are moving. The man says "I don't know, but that might explain the suitcase."

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."

“Are they alive?"

"No idea, I'm not a vet."

"Well are they moving?"

"Oh yeah, good po...

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