After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

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My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

Why don’t Witches wear underwear?

Because they have to grip the broom.

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

A husband buys a dozen underwear for of the same color for his wife. His wife argues: “why the same color? People will think that I don’t change my underwear!”

In which the husband retorts “which people?!” >:/

The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today.

Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

Why shouldn't you buy Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

Kid: "Are you wearing underwear, Grandpa?"

Grandpa: "Depends kid, who's asking?"

My wife just bought Meatloaf underwear.

On the front, they say, "I would do anything for love."

On the rear, they say, "But I won't do that ...

What did the underwear say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll cover the rear.

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

How long does it take for males to put on their underwear?

A Brief second

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

A man goes to see the doctor and says : "I think im going crazy!!! I'm wearing cling wrap for underwear!"

The doctor says : "yes i can clearly see your nuts!"

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

What do underwear that is too small & a cheap hotel have in common?

What do underwear that is too small & a cheap hotel have in common?

They both don’t have Ballroom.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Why do the French wear such big underwear?

It's easier to make white flags.

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

A man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear with a woman on his back.

His friends see him, and ask, “What are you supposed to be?”


“Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle!”


“...a turtle?  How are you a turtle, and why is there a woman on your back?”


“Simple: that's Michelle.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

What do you call Father Christmas without underwear?

Saint Knickerless,

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends

It was a brief discussion

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

You need to be aware of faulty underwear from the Ukraine.

Be careful, otherwise chernobyl fallout.

Why should you never buy Soviet underwear?

'Cause Chernobyl fallout

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight m...

Mother superior called an urgent meeting of all the 100 nuns in her convent

Mother Superior : Today I found a man's underwear behind the bush ..

99 nuns : Oh Jesus !!

One nun : teeheehee

Mother : Also I found a used condom

99 nuns : Oh Jesus!!

One nun : teeheehee..

Mother : ... And it was broken ...

One nun : Oh Jesus!!!
...

What do the worlds greatest dance halls and best underwear have in common

Lots of ball room

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

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You know that common nightmare about going to school in just your underwear, and how everybody laughs and ridicules you for looking stupid. Well I just lived it, for real.

Stupid vague-ass pajamas day.

Little Sally

Little Sally keeps coming home with a pocket full of money. Finally one day mom stops her asks. Little Sally where do you keep getting all this money from...well mom the boys at school pay me to climb that tree over there... oh baby you know that they only want to look at your underwear..little Sall...

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin.

She said "no, they're new."

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

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What do you call Thor's underwear?

His ass guardian

What kind of underwear do law students wear?

Legal briefs!

What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?

Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

I got new underwear for Christmas.

Out with the holed, in with the new.

Who makes the best exploding underwear?

Fruit of the Boom!

One day after school, Wendy was dared by one of her class,ages to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the top and gets her five dollars. Upon reaching home, she told her mom after school, feeling proud of what she did.

“Oh Wendy, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her ...

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

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My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

My sister wanted to know what briefs are

I said there speedos but underwear

What does a woman's underwear and nail polish both have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

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The Swede’s wife

stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. ...

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear. The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings? She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford un...

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack


EDIT: added spoiler for 37% better delivery.

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3 women are out on the town for a girl's night.

After 3 hours at the local bar, they are all completely hammered and finding a cab was difficult, so they all decided to walk home. After about 20 minutes they had to piss but no place was open as it was past 3AM however they found a cemetery that was discreet for them all to urinate. The First woma...

Went for a prostate exam

I asked the doctor where should I put my pants and underwear, he replied, "over there, next to mine".

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

What kind of underwear did Tom Petty wear?

He didn’t. He was free ballin’.

Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called ou...

How does Matthew McConaughey like his underwear?

All white, all white, all white

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your brief case"

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

A man applies for a job as a diesel fitter at a women's underwear factory. He asks his supervisor what the job entails.

The supervisor takes some underwear off the line, puts it on his head and says, "Deez'll fit 'er!"

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

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(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.


"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"


Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run f...

Why should you never wear Ukranian underwear?

Chernobyl Fallout.





An elderly friend told me this joke, just thought I'd traumatise people with it too.

Intelligence is like an underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

Perforated underwear

What a tearable idea.

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An elderly man and his elderly wife go to the doctor.

It was just a routine physical for the old man. But due to his old age, the doc required multiple tests.

"I will need a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample, and a semen sample. " The doctor says.

The elderly man was hard of hearing,

"WHAT?" He asks, unable to understand ...

Clean Underwear

My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case I was ever in an accident. I never thought this was a real thing until I read about a car accident in the paper. They said the officers at the scene checked and there were no skidmarks.

Not all heroes wear capes.

>!...or underwear!<

What kind of underwear do monkeys use

Chimpantsies

A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...

...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

TIL: Pope Francis wears underwear while taking a shower.

He doesn’t want to look down on the unemployed.

What’s an old persons underwear taste like?

Depends

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