This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear...

Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”

​

The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin.

She said "no, they're new."

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

What’s a German underwear model’s favourite animal

Ze-bra

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

Why can’t you wear Ukrainian underwear?

Because Chernobyl Fallout.

Two pieces of underwear are hanging on display in a lingerie shop. One turns to the other and says:

"I love you brah."

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip of the broom

Who makes the best exploding underwear?

Fruit of the Boom!

What does a woman's underwear and nail polish both have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache....

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

I got new underwear for Christmas.

Out with the holed, in with the new.

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

Why do chickens wear underwear on their head?

Because their pecker is on their face

What kind of underwear do law students wear?

Legal briefs!

How does Matthew McConaughey like his underwear?

All white, all white, all white

An old married couple go to the hospital

And as they are getting checked in the doctor says to the old man,

"I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample."

The old man being hard of hearing says, "what'd you say?"

and his wife replies, "He said they need to see your underwear*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack


EDIT: added spoiler for 37% better delivery.

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

What kind of underwear do monkeys use

Chimpantsies

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.

Laughing the boss agrees.

The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.

The boss angrily gives him the $500.

The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.

The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake...

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (clim...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

Why should you never wear Ukranian underwear?

Chernobyl Fallout.





An elderly friend told me this joke, just thought I'd traumatise people with it too.

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your brief case"

Clean Underwear

My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case I was ever in an accident. I never thought this was a real thing until I read about a car accident in the paper. They said the officers at the scene checked and there were no skidmarks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Little Johnny's teacher ...

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "oka...

A man walks into a doctors office with Saran Wrap underwear and says to the doctor " I think I am going crazy"!

The doctor replies "Why yes, I can clearly see your nuts".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

TIL: Pope Francis wears underwear while taking a shower.

He doesn’t want to look down on the unemployed.

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

Perforated underwear

What a tearable idea.

A man applies for a job as a diesel fitter at a women's underwear factory. He asks his supervisor what the job entails.

The supervisor takes some underwear off the line, puts it on his head and says, "Deez'll fit 'er!"

I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...

...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do female pallbearers wear black underwear after sex?

To mourn the passing of the stiff they buried last night.

I once saw the police running after a man in his underwear

It was a brief chase.

My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.

On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.

Intelligence is like an underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing

She's behind with the washing.

Why do women throw underwear at guitarists at concerts?

Just in case their G-string breaks.

I come home from work early one day, and I saw a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I askedhim, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?"

He said, "you came home early".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the underwear angry at the washing machine

Because it kept taking the piss out of them

“Why Do Men Wear Underwear?”

“As Per Military Rules, All Types Of Weapons Should Be Kept Covered During Peace Time“

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Checking your Facebook is like checking your underwear after you fart

There wont be anything there and if there is it's probably shit

"They only want to see your underwear"

One day, little May comes home from school, waving a dollar bill and screaming, "Mom! Look what I got today!"

Of course, her mom asks, "Oh? How did you get that?"

"Well," May says, "these boys from the bigger grade dared me to climb the tree and said they'd give me 75 cents. So I climb...

What's the best way to start an underwear presentation?

Start with a brief introduction.

Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful

Thought of this in traffic yesterday

Why did the Pirate wear camouflage underwear?

To hide his booty

Always wear clean underwear in public

Always wear clean underwear in public,
especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Hamilton Spectator Daily News comes this story of a Burlington couple
who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carr...

What type of underwear does a fetus wear?

Fruit of the womb.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear

And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

My favorite underwear is camouflage...

Because no one can see me cumming.

What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions?

Dreamcatchers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is a Neo-Nazi's favourite brand of underwear?

Rightie Whities.