After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

Another day at the underwear store...

A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.

"Only two pairs of underwear?"

"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."

The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order....

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

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What's the difference between a pile of women's underwear with dildos attached and the entire BLM movement?

Well one's a bunch of fuckin' knickers...

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

Why Don't Witches Wear Underwear?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear

Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.

What do you call new underwear?

Unsharted territory.

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided maybe she was right and I needed to up my underwear game.

So I bought a second pair.

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his line of ladies underwear...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" probably wasn't the best name choice.

Why should you never wear nuclear underwear?

Chernobyl fall out

The thing about captain Kirk's women's underwear not being a great sales gimmick.

Shatner panties didn't catch on

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My underwear has PTSD

It's true. It's seem some shit

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

I wear my wife's underwear to work...

My co-workers think I should wear a suit.

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

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My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines." said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offere...

How long does it take for males to put on their underwear?

A Brief second

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

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Little Johnny gets under the teachers skirt.

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet ...

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today.

Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

Kid: "Are you wearing underwear, Grandpa?"

Grandpa: "Depends kid, who's asking?"

A husband buys a dozen underwear for of the same color for his wife. His wife argues: “why the same color? People will think that I don’t change my underwear!”

In which the husband retorts “which people?!” >:/

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

My wife came into the bedroom & said "Take off my bra"......

So I took her bra off.

She then said "Take off my panties"

So I took her panties off.

She then said "Stop wearing my underwear!!"

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

My date told me she was a baller, so I was keen when she offered me back to her house.

When we got there, the place was small.



I frowned. "I thought you said you're a baller."



"I am," she replied, then she pulled down her underwear.

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

A man goes to see the doctor and says : "I think im going crazy!!! I'm wearing cling wrap for underwear!"

The doctor says : "yes i can clearly see your nuts!"

What do tight underwear and a cheap mansion have in common?

No ballroom!

So I started drinking a bottle of windex every morning....

I’m not sure that it helps prevent covid-19 but my underwear has definitely been cleaner, No more streaks!

So there I was -

- out of work, day drinking in my underwear and moaning about the future.

Then the coronavirus hit.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

Why do the French wear such big underwear?

It's easier to make white flags.

I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends

It was a brief discussion

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up, he let's a horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

What do you call Father Christmas without underwear?

Saint Knickerless,

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My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight.

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life

An old man and his wife go to the doctor...

After the examination the doctor says, "OK sir we just need to get a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, hard of hearing, turns to his wife, "What'd he say?"

The woman says, "give him your underwear"

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

How did the Polish mother teach her son to put on his underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

Why should you never buy Soviet underwear?

'Cause Chernobyl fallout

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

What do the worlds greatest dance halls and best underwear have in common

Lots of ball room

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Oldie but goodie

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second ...

What’s a German underwear model’s favourite animal

Ze-bra

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

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What do you call Thor's underwear?

His ass guardian

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.
The Asian annouces "im scared but i wore fluro underwear so if we crash they can see me" the Caucasian says "i wore my stars and stripes bikini as underwear so i can be noticed and picked up 1st". The African Ame...

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

Who makes the best exploding underwear?

Fruit of the Boom!

I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin.

She said "no, they're new."

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack


EDIT: added spoiler for 37% better delivery.

Toilet Paper

Doing my weekly shop in my local supermarket today and I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all!

Reluctantly, I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my underwear and trousers (pants) around my ankle...

Finnish is such a beautiful language.

There's a word, Kalsarikännit, which basically means 'getting drunk in your underwear'. This tells you all you need to know about Finland, and my current state of affairs.

What kind of underwear do law students wear?

Legal briefs!

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

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Bubba's wife finally talked him in to going to the doctor, as he had not been feeling well. After the Doc examined him he sat both of them down and told them he would still need a stool sample, a specimen of urine, & and a semen sample.

Bubba looked at his wife and asked.."what does all that mean?".

She answered..."he needs a pair of your dirty underwear!'.

I got new underwear for Christmas.

Out with the holed, in with the new.

My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.

They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.

I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too

Right now, I'm wearing February

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

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3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

What does a woman's underwear and nail polish both have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

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My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

How does Matthew McConaughey like his underwear?

All white, all white, all white

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It's discrimination!

I see kids bouncing balls and riding bikes down isles at Walmart, but does anyone stop them, heck no! They can play with anything they want to!

But for some reason *I've* been banned from the ladies underwear department.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I off took my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept up the stairs very quietly..

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on a fucking bus!!!!!

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