UPJOKE
swimsuitlingerieblousebriefsskirtunderclothespantiesbikinilinent-shirtboxer shortsshirtclothingbrassierethong

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

Why are zebras like my underwear?

Each has its own unique stripes.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.

Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

It's in loving memory of all the faces buried there.

Why does a witch not wear underwear on Halloween?

So she can get a better grip on her broom

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

What's a programmer's favourite underwear ?

The string

What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?

Pretty nuts

What do you call a lady gardener's underwear?

Plantaloons. Thought of this today while I was watering my azaleas.

What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?

Marathongs.

My dad was walking down the hall just in his underwear.

My mom said "Bill! Your fruit is coming out of the loom!"

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A New Suit

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem....

Knowledge is like underwear, you need to have it but you don't need to show it

but people always want to be the superman

The faithfull Husband

The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?

He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we ...

Where does a dinosaur keep his underwear?

DRAWR

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

At the start of every case, lawyers have to take their underwear off.

After that, the debriefing is concluded.

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

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So, a young lady, who lived a sheltered life, is getting married...

Perturbed, she says to her mum, "Mum, I have never even been with a man. What do I do on the wedding night?"

The mum, not wanting to get into the messy details, says, "My angel, I know you'll figure it out. But, just in case, I'll stay downstairs and clean up after the party, while you go ups...

Little Johny failed fourth grade so badly that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse that they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he failed second grade even more spectacularly and had to be demoted to first grade, his dad whispered to Johny's mom:

Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!

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A man born with five penises goes to the doctor.

“How does your underwear fit?”, asked the doctor.

The man replies, “Like a glove.”

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Growing up, if I wanted to see woman's underwear in the Sears catalog, I did it at a buddy's house

because my asshole brother kept gluing the pages togeather in ours.

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You may be surprised to know that I wear ladies underwear

And you may wonder why a heterosexual man would start doing such a thing.

Well, several years ago my wife was looking for something she lost in my car when she found a pair of women’s panties under the seat. She came storming into the house, panties dangling from her finger, and angrily ques...

I’m not wearing underwear.

It’s a brief announcement.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

What do you call small splinters in your thermal underwear?

Long John slivers

My wife always meets me at the front door after work in her underwear.

She's the one coming home from work.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

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A young woman decided to get her eyes tested

A young woman decided to get her eyes tested as she'd recently been having trouble reading. So she books an appointment and goes in the following week. After waiting briefly she is ushered into one of the offices and is greeted by a middle aged man.

"How can I help you madame? " he asks her<...

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My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear

I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

Not tonight.

As I started to drift off to sleep I felt a hand slip into my underwear and begin to gently massage my balls. It was nice, but I was tired.

"Not tonight. I just want to go to sleep" I said.

"That's not really how it works in here" responded my cellmate.

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

What is the opposite of Underwear?

Derwear

Memory foam underwear

I bought some shoes with memory foam insoles. I was so excited about them! I told my wife I can’t wait to wear them, they have memory foam! I want memory foam underwear! She said “your underwear shouldn’t remember anything.”

I’ll never forget the time I had to do PE in my underwear after forgetting my shorts.

It ended my teaching career there and then.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

The underwear making company, *Jockey* was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place...

Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then....
One day, the Auditor advised security to *check all workers on their arrival..*...

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A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample."

The guy says, "Look doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. How about I just leave you my underwear?"

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

Why don't chicken wear underwear?

Cuz their peckers on their face

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder.

Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.

They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says,

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He ta...

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

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A husband liked to fart in bed (Long).

A husband liked to fart in bed, much to the dismay of his spouse. He named his farts, he gave them scores, and he often invited anyone around to smell it. He even farted in his sleep without waking. His spouse told him, “One day you’re gonna fart your guts out.”

Months later, on Thanksgiving,...

How are a lid on a sewer and a pair of men's underwear the same?

They're both manhole covers.

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

What do you call a Jewish person that doesn't wear underwear?

An Israeli commando!

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

Why should you never buy Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

Wife wants to Undress

Wife - please remove my blouse

Husband - ok ( proceeds to remove her blouse )

Wife - Unzip my miniskirt and take it off

Husband - ok dear ( unzips her miniskirt and takes it off )

Wife - now unhook my bra

Husband - sure ( unhooks her bra )

Wife - now plea...

I only purchase fur lined underwear

I like the feeling of ball to ball carpeting.

A man walks into a bar wearing a nice shirt

The bartender tells him it's a nice shirt and asks where he got it.

"I got it from Joe Fresh," the man said. He grabbed a drink and went to sit down.

Another man comes in wearing some good looking pants. The bartender also amires those and asks where they came from.

"I got them ...

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

One old man asks another old man, "what kind of underwear do you wear? boxers, briefs?

The other old man says "Depends"

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

What do boxers carry their underwear in?

A briefcase

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

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Typical, I go to buy sexy underwear for a ghost.

And all they have is baguettes.

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How do parents in West Virginia explain underwear to children?

**"Yellow means front, brown means back."**

Oh boy!

I went to the doctor for a prostate exam. The doctor instructed me to take my pants and underwear off. "Where do I put my clothes?" I asked. He said "On the floor there next to mine!"

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

What do you call transparent women’s underwear?

See-through

And what about men’s underwear?

See-three.

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

“Are these knickers satin?"
"No” she said, “They’re brand new...”

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?"

Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Why do chinese have two holes in their underwear?

One for each leg.

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.



Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

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So I had my prostate exam today…

and the doc had me bend over with my pants and underwear down.

He put his left hand on my hip and his right hand he…wait…he put his right hand on my hip and…

You know what? That bastard had both hands on my hips!

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

panties

Captain James T Kirk of Star Trek fame has launched his own range of women’s underwear, the bras are selling well, but it appears that nobody wants to buy a brand of underwear named

“Shatner Panties”.

Underwear isn't the greatest thing in the world

It is really close to it though.

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

What Underwear does a gangster rapper wear?

G strings

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Why do men seem to get away with their sexual promiscuity so much more than women do?

Men's underwear covers their asses

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

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When people at work ask me, "What's up?!", I always reply naturally, with... "Same shit, different day!".

They always seem delighted, but I'm sittin' over here with one pair of underwear and a clothes washer that doesn't work!

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

Underwear is like a cassette tape.

There's Side A & Side B

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

3 nuns and a Parrot

This was a joke I heard decades ago, sorry if someone beat me to this one. Here goes:

3 nuns were passing by a big house. It was a modest house with a beautiful yard and in it, a caged Parrot. It’s not very talkative but everytime the three nuns pass, the parrot would utter random colors…
...

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I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

A man with a hunchback, limp and massive bald spot is sitting in a bar, drinking his beer

When a knock out blonde sits next to him, smiles and says "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" Man, dumbfounded, can only nod. He gets his drink and woman keeps flirting. Guy, thinking this must be some sort of prank isn't engaging when she suddenly asks if he wants to go to her place. "What the hell, why ...

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided maybe she was right and I needed to up my underwear game.

So I bought a second pair.

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