UPJOKE
swimsuitlingerienightwearblousebriefsskirtunderclothesunderclothingpantiesbikinilinent-shirtboxer shortsshirtclothing

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.

Plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?

so he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.

She replied, "Wear your own, then."

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

The best underwear jokes....

are brief.

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

What do you call a new pair of underwear?

Unsharted Territory

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

Why dont witches wear underwear

To get a better grip on there brooms

(Joke made-up by my 9 yrs old) If ordinary underwear are called under-pants and a storms underwear are called thunder-pants, what do you call a super heroes underwear?

Wonder-pants!

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

Lawyers don't have underwear drawers

They use briefcases.

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes...

A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.

Laughing the boss agrees.

The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.

The boss angrily gives him the $500.

The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.

The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake...

What do you call underwear that always rides up?

Cranny Panties

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

What do you call a steamer trunk full of underwear?

A chest of drawers!

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face.

I don't have a single pair of underwear without holes in them

I mean... How else am I supposed to put them on?

What's a programmer's favourite underwear ?

The string

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

It's in loving memory of all the faces buried there.

What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?

Pretty nuts

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

Why are zebras like my underwear?

Each has its own unique stripes.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

What does a businessman call his underwear drawer?

His briefcase.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Memory foam underwear

I bought some shoes with memory foam insoles. I was so excited about them! I told my wife I can’t wait to wear them, they have memory foam! I want memory foam underwear! She said “your underwear shouldn’t remember anything.”

A lawyer walked into the courtroom wearing nothing but his underwear and asked, "Can we please postpone the trial?"

The judge replied, "Of course! How can we start when you've forgotten your lawsuit?"

Where does a dinosaur keep his underwear?

DRAWR

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

What do you call a lady gardener's underwear?

Plantaloons. Thought of this today while I was watering my azaleas.

What is the opposite of Underwear?

Derwear

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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

I caught my little brother sniffing my girlfriend's underwear.

I didn't have the nerve to tell him I wore them all week.

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

My dad was walking down the hall just in his underwear.

My mom said "Bill! Your fruit is coming out of the loom!"

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I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing

She's behind with the washing.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.


"Quiero calcetines," said the man.


"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.


"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the ...

Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. Q: What's grosser than that?

A: When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

One old man asks another old man, "what kind of underwear do you wear? boxers, briefs?

The other old man says "Depends"

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful

Thought of this in traffic yesterday

Why should you never buy Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

What do you call a Jewish person that doesn't wear underwear?

An Israeli commando!

I only purchase fur lined underwear

I like the feeling of ball to ball carpeting.

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How do parents in West Virginia explain underwear to children?

**"Yellow means front, brown means back."**

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

What do you call transparent women’s underwear?

See-through

And what about men’s underwear?

See-three.

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Typical, I go to buy sexy underwear for a ghost.

And all they have is baguettes.

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

Underwear isn't the greatest thing in the world

It is really close to it though.

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My underwear has PTSD

It's true. It's seem some shit

How are a lid on a sewer and a pair of men's underwear the same?

They're both manhole covers.

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack


EDIT: added spoiler for 37% better delivery.

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My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

I went to an underwear convention and put on some size XXL briefs.

How fitting!

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and...

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

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A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

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My favorite underwear is camouflage...

Because no one can see me cumming.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

Why do chinese have two holes in their underwear?

One for each leg.

Underwear is like a cassette tape.

There's Side A & Side B

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided maybe she was right and I needed to up my underwear game.

So I bought a second pair.

What do tight underwear and a cheap mansion have in common?

No ballroom!

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

What type of underwear do lawyers wear to court?

Legal briefs

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

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