After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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My sexy neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothes line and that shes going to report it to the police.

I almost shit her pants

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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

Why don’t chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their head.

What do boxers carry their underwear in?

A briefcase

I only purchase fur lined underwear

I like the feeling of ball to ball carpeting.

My friend got angry at me for sniffing his sisters underwear

It didn’t help that they were still on her body and sure did make an awkward moment at the funeral service

A friend got mad at me for smelling her sister’s underwear

I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there, either way it made his sister’s funeral very awkward.

"What are your dogs names ?"

"Calvin and Klein"

"Like the underwear?"

"They are boxers."

One old man asks another old man, "what kind of underwear do you wear? boxers, briefs?

The other old man says "Depends"

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, and that can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on the broom.

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Typical, I go to buy sexy underwear for a ghost.

And all they have is baguettes.

Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. Q: What's grosser than that?

A: When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

Why should you never buy Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

What do you call transparent women’s underwear?

See-through

And what about men’s underwear?

See-three.

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How do parents in West Virginia explain underwear to children?

**"Yellow means front, brown means back."**

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

What do you call a snake you can wear as an underwear?

A pithong

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?

To keep his ankles warm.

What did the shoes say to the underwear?

I'm going to go ahead, why don't you give those two a lift.

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A very tall man walks into a bar...

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.


They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm ...

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

“Are these knickers satin?"
"No” she said, “They’re brand new...”

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

Underwear isn't the greatest thing in the world

It is really close to it though.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I once had a fight with Superman

We decided the loser has to wear his underwear over his clothes for the rest of his life.

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

What you you call a men's pair of underwear?

A junk drawer.

An Old Man Goes to the Doctor

He brings his wife with him, and when the doctor asks why she's in the exam room too the wife replies that her husband is hard of hearing and she is there to help him understand.


The doctor says "Alright, sir. Please get on the scale." The man looks at his wife and she shouts "HE WANTS TO...

Why did Blackbeard draw multiplication signs on his underwear?

Because X marks the spot of the pirate’s booty.

Thor's underwear

What would you call Thor's underwear????












As-guard

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

Underwear is like a cassette tape.

There's Side A & Side B

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

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*nsfw* Russian

A large burly Russian man went on a holiday in Thailand. He heard about the extraordinary red light district there, where whoring is rampant. He got himself one hooker and brought her to his hotel room.

There, he began removing his clothes. First, he took off his shirt. The hooker gasps and s...

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It's discrimination!

I see kids bouncing balls and riding bikes down isles at Walmart, but does anyone stop them, heck no! They can play with anything they want to!

But for some reason *I've* been banned from the ladies underwear department.

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I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

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I have five penises so have to spend a fortune on custom underwear.

At least they fit like a glove.

I went to an underwear convention and put on some size XXL briefs.

How fitting!

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

My Dad is from the old school,

......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Why do chinese have two holes in their underwear?

One for each leg.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

What does unrequited love and underwear have in common?

"The end of both is messy!"

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

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My underwear has PTSD

It's true. It's seem some shit

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

What do you call new underwear?

Unsharted territory.

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

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Two wives have a night out

They decide to walk home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee.
They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, vo...

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his line of ladies underwear...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" probably wasn't the best name choice.

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants

The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

What type of underwear do lawyers wear to court?

Legal briefs

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided maybe she was right and I needed to up my underwear game.

So I bought a second pair.

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

Two men meet at the gym

Two men meet at the gym to work out, they haven’t been able to since COVID. Afterwards they’re in the locker room changing when one of them looks over and notices his friend putting on women’s underwear. Since when do you wear women’s underwear, he asked? Since my wife found them in the glove compar...

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful..

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful.


The redhead goes first and says, "My husband is this forgetful, whenever he goes to get grocery he forgets groceries and only brings the recipt."


Then brunette intercepted her, "My husband is...

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Kid: "Are you wearing underwear, Grandpa?"

Grandpa: "Depends kid, who's asking?"

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

What do tight underwear and a cheap mansion have in common?

No ballroom!

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

An wealthy English woman had a butler named John.

One day when her husband was away on vacation, she asked John to follow her into her bedroom.

Then she said, “John, take off my blouse”.

Then: “John, take off my skirt”.

Then: “John, take off my bra”.

Then: “John, take off my underwear”.

Then she sighed and said, “...

The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today.

Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

I don’t understand people who say they cannot wear masks because of their big nose

I wear my underwear everyday and don’t complain

The thing about captain Kirk's women's underwear not being a great sales gimmick.

Shatner panties didn't catch on

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

A husband buys a dozen underwear for of the same color for his wife. His wife argues: “why the same color? People will think that I don’t change my underwear!”

In which the husband retorts “which people?!” >:/

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I love Puma pants

I sometime Puma underwear too

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack


EDIT: added spoiler for 37% better delivery.

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

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