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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today.

Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

My wife just bought Meatloaf underwear.

On the front, they say, "I would do anything for love."

On the rear, they say, "But I won't do that ...

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

I once lost a fight with some underwear.

I was up against a pair of boxers.

But it was very brief.

'Cause I'm pants at fighting.

What did the underwear say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll cover the rear.

Kid: "Are you wearing underwear, Grandpa?"

Grandpa: "Depends kid, who's asking?"

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My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

What do underwear that is too small & a cheap hotel have in common?

What do underwear that is too small & a cheap hotel have in common?

They both don’t have Ballroom.

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What did the man with 5 penises say when he put on his underwear?

Fits like a glove!

Why don’t witches wear underwear?...

To get a better grip.

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If a woman's bra is an "Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder" and a man's underwear is an "Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut"...

Then does that make a woman's panties a "Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch?"

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

What do thermometers wear for underwear?

Kelvin Klein

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

What do you call Father Christmas without underwear?

Saint Knickerless,

I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends

It was a brief discussion

A man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear with a woman on his back.

His friends see him, and ask, “What are you supposed to be?”


“Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle!”


“...a turtle?  How are you a turtle, and why is there a woman on your back?”


“Simple: that's Michelle.”

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

Why don’t chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker is on their face.

What do the worlds greatest dance halls and best underwear have in common

Lots of ball room

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.

Laughing the boss agrees.

The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.

The boss angrily gives him the $500.

The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.

The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake...

Why do the French wear such big underwear?

It's easier to make white flags.

You need to be aware of faulty underwear from the Ukraine.

Be careful, otherwise chernobyl fallout.

How did the Polish mother teach her son to put on his underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

Why should you never buy Soviet underwear?

'Cause Chernobyl fallout

I got new underwear for Christmas.

Out with the holed, in with the new.

Woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of her underwear

The doctor says ‘that looks nasty’
She replies ‘it’s the tip of the iceberg’

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

As i was walking down the road on a particularly hot day i noticed a rather large lady eating a watermelon in a dress with no underwear on...

I had to inquire. You exposing yourself to keep cool ? She replied "Nah nah, but it sure does keep the flies off the watermelon."

What kind of underwear do law students wear?

Legal briefs!

Who makes the best exploding underwear?

Fruit of the Boom!

I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin.

She said "no, they're new."

Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

Went for a prostate exam

I asked the doctor where should I put my pants and underwear, he replied, "over there, next to mine".

Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called ou...

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
>!Heather's are green.!<
~Lee Mack


EDIT: added spoiler for 37% better delivery.

What does a woman's underwear and nail polish both have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”



The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

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What do you call Thor's underwear?

His ass guardian

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.


"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"


Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run f...

My sister wanted to know what briefs are

I said there speedos but underwear

Raise your hand if you're wearing underwears or panties with holes in them...

For those smug individuals that did not raise their hand, I'm curious how you inserted your legs then.

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Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

How does Matthew McConaughey like his underwear?

All white, all white, all white

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Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

Country Club Raffle

Every evening an older gentlemen would venture down to the local country club. This club had a large room in which there were several comfortable chairs, as well as a billiards table. The gentleman would enter the club, buy a cheap drink, sit in the same chair and read from his newspaper.

The...

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An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."

The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.

Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

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An elderly man and his elderly wife go to the doctor.

It was just a routine physical for the old man. But due to his old age, the doc required multiple tests.

"I will need a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample, and a semen sample. " The doctor says.

The elderly man was hard of hearing,

"WHAT?" He asks, unable to understand ...

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A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life (NSFW)

The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this? The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your brief case"

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

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A guy walks into a store and

Asked a employee for 3 pairs of underwear.
The employee askes "Only 3 pairs?"
The guy answers "Yes I only need a pair each Monday, Wednesday and Friday"
The guy leaves the store

Another guy walks into the store and asked the employee for 5 pairs of underwear.
The employee says "5 ...

Why should you never wear Ukranian underwear?

Chernobyl Fallout.





An elderly friend told me this joke, just thought I'd traumatise people with it too.

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

A man walks into a doctors office with Saran Wrap underwear and says to the doctor " I think I am going crazy"!

The doctor replies "Why yes, I can clearly see your nuts".

A man applies for a job as a diesel fitter at a women's underwear factory. He asks his supervisor what the job entails.

The supervisor takes some underwear off the line, puts it on his head and says, "Deez'll fit 'er!"

What kind of underwear do monkeys use

Chimpantsies

Perforated underwear

What a tearable idea.

Clean Underwear

My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case I was ever in an accident. I never thought this was a real thing until I read about a car accident in the paper. They said the officers at the scene checked and there were no skidmarks.

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

TIL: Pope Francis wears underwear while taking a shower.

He doesn’t want to look down on the unemployed.

Intelligence is like an underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

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A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

Two women are coming home from a long night out

They're half way home when they both suddenly really need the toilet so they go in some bushes just outside an old graveyard. They have nothing to wipe with so the first one uses her underwear and the second one grabs a wreath from nearby.

The next night the two husbands are drinking in a bar...

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

I went to the doctor last week. He said he needed a urine, stool, and blood sample.

I just gave him my underwear.

A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...

...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

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Why do female pallbearers wear black underwear after sex?

To mourn the passing of the stiff they buried last night.

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Two women got pissed drunk and...

And on the way back they were walking through the cemetery and they wanted to take a piss.

One of them took a piss, wiped herself with her underwear and threw them out.

The other wiped it with a wreath. The next morning one of the husbands call the other and he said we can’t let them g...

What is the difference between a skirt and a kilt?

Underwear

What’s an old persons underwear taste like?

Depends

I once saw the police running after a man in his underwear

It was a brief chase.

Why do women throw underwear at guitarists at concerts?

Just in case their G-string breaks.

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