Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

Read an article today about the dangers of heavy drinking, it really scared the hell of out me.

So that's it! After today, no more reading.

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

How do you assess the danger of a chemical?

Hazmath

A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.

The man said, “See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.”

The son replied, “But Dad, there is only one car.”

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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed...

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion r...

A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

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A father has a conversation with his son about the danger of masturbating

He says “Son, if you masturbate too much you will end up blind.” The son replies “Dad, I’m over here”

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The danger with online porn is that it's a slippery slope

First, you click one link. Then that leads you to another, then another, then another...

Then, before you know it, your pants are off, it's four hours later, and you're getting weird looks from everyone else in the library.

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: ...

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"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know...

What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation?

A Chernobel Prize.

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

A friend of mine was reading an article on a newspaper talking about the dangers of drinking, after that he stopped doing what he loved...

...reading.

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

What would Donald Trump say if Americas' cyber security was in danger?

"We need to build a firewall."

Worst thing to read in Braille

DANGER. DO NOT TOUCH!

Some steaks walk into a bar...

The bartender tells them

“We don’t serve meat here”

They reply

“Good, we’re vegetarians”

“Beef is not allowed in this bar”

“Good, we got not beef with anyone here”

“I don’t see too many steaks like you guys”

“Good, we’re pretty rare”

The barten...

A horse walks into a bar

Many people get up out of their chairs and leave, noticing the danger in the situation.

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There was a farmer who had two sons.

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They didn't do well e...

Jake and Phil were best friends, in a mental asylum.

They had done everything together. They ate together, shared jokes together and in general had a solid friendship. One day, while the asylum had organized a swimming event, Phil started to drown. He had never learned to swim: however, his friend Jake knew how. So, seeing his friend in danger, decide...

200 Dead Crows

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not...A...

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

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The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

What happens when you pee into a bucket full of bleach?

Ur ine danger

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

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Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

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A Russian goes to Africa.

A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a cannibal."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that th...

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle...

A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"

The professor agrees, so the student says:

"Describe a situation from your life when...

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

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An elderly Italian man lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful ...

A man leaves for work in the morning, kissing his wife goodbye.

She leaves for work about 15 minutes later, and turns on her radio to check the traffic. The traffic reporter announces that there is a wrong way driver on the interstate, and she recognizes that route as the one her husband takes to work.

​

Frantically, she calls her husba...

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A man is strolling through the woods.. Suddenly,

He hears a voice in the distance. He decides to walk towards the voice, it could be someone in danger after all! What could it be? He starts walking a little faster. Weird, he thinks, it seems as if another person joined. Yeah its actually two voices right now, and he hears what they are saying: WE ...

My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

The Chicken and the Horse

On a farm in the countryside, there was a chicken and a horse that were best friends, and they often went walking through the pastures together, just talking.  

One day while on one of their walks, the horse fell into a mire, and was steadily sinking.  The horse was getting very afraid and as...

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and ...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

Women can be likened to roads

The more curves, the bigger the danger

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

Boston’s dead crows

On interstate I-95 running from Boston to New Hampshire they had a problem with crows being hit by vehicles. They were being killed by the hundreds. They hired a professor from MIT to figure out why so many crows were being hit. He discovered that when crows land to feed, they leave one crow in the ...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson find themselves at a scene of utter carnage...

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself Watson, there's an evil hand afoot ahea...

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A veterinary student is having an exam.

Unfortunately, he is in grave danger of failing.

Thankfully, the professor likes him, so he decides to ask the student a bonus question - if he answers correctly, he passes, if not, then he fails.

The professor asks the student: "Can you tell me how to perform an abortion on a goat?"<...

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your ...

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”...

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A man with a stutter started his new job on a construction site...

Not sure if this is a repost, my father told me it when I was 11 years old.

A man with a stutter (Dave) started his new job on a construction site and was walking around with one of his colleagues (Jim) being given a tour of the site.
“Th-th-this is a pretty cool p-p-place. I’m so h-happ...

A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

Mother of Triplets

A pregnant lady was doing her errands around town when she stopped in bank to pay her bills. Everything was going great until there was a gunshot and two robbers burst through the door and demanded everyone on the ground and they will shoot anyone that makes a move. The future mother obliged but wh...

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12 of my favorite anti-jokes.

1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation.

2. How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

3. What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint.

4. I like my women l...

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A pious man walks through the woods

And stumbles into a bog. Slowly sinking he can't get out by himself and starts to pray: "Dear Lord, stand by me and deliver me from my danger".

An hour passes all the while the man sinks up to his waist while a local hunter finds him. "Shall I get you out?" "No, don't trouble yourself, the Lo...

Some scientists were trying to figure out why crows were dying in Massachusetts

A team of scientists from MIT saw a statistic that said 80 percent of crow deaths in the state were because the crow had been hit by a truck. They decided to investigate why that was, and the results were pretty interesting. Crows often eat roadkill, so it wasn’t surprising that they were getting ki...

Donald trump invite's kim jong un and a Trump supporter to go golfing

Donald Trump invite's kim Jong Un and a Trump supporter to go golfing.
Donald Trump invited kim Jong Un to go golfing to discuss the politital situation between their countrys and also a Trump supporter to give his opinion on things. Donald Trump hit his golf ball and it smashs straght through so...

Crows

One day, about a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles, and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types...

A local earthquake station gets an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

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A Iranian, a Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert...

....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish".

The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we ha...

A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?

Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking marijuana with friends who are a bad influence.

State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morni...

[Long] A scientist is giving keynote speech about dissolvable food for babies

"Imagine if we lived in a world where you no longer had to worry about your children eating and getting food stuck in their airways...'

Gasps of amazement come from the crowd

"Imagine if they could still enjoy all of their favourite foods without any danger and don't need to be constan...

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Explorer in the jungle (NSFW language)

One day an explorer was deep in the jungle where headhunters were known to be more a danger than the abundant wildlife. He happened to be thinking about what to do if he encountered them when, as luck would have it, he came to a clearing where a tribe of about 70 of them were as surprised as he was...

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Why are assholes always in charge?

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anti-Jokes

Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint.

Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion.

A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.

What's brown and stick...

Policeman stops priest on the bike...

Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The king of a very rich kingdom wants his daughter to get married...

...but she is a very particular girl and only wants to marry the most courageous man in the kingdom.

Wanting to see his daughter happy the king sets up a test that any man in the kingdom could come and try to beat: The Pit of Doom. A huge square pit is dug right outside the palace and filled ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A motorcycle cop stops

a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade,...

Don't know how to cook

I don't really know how to cook, so I just end up eating frozen food. I usually get some turkey and store it in the freezer for the next day. However, one day I've heard about the dangers of eating frozen food and how it badly affects my health, it was at this moment that I realized that I had to qu...

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Zambian Roulette

As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite.

To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to...