I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

A student asked his teacher if it was dangerous to mix oxygen and potassium...

The teacher said it was OK.

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

Don't let corona virus dominate you, don't let it take over your lives, I know there is a risk, I know there is a danger

but that's okay, now *I'm* better



*quick note: that's not a joke that's literally what he just said*

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

What do you call the authentication information used to enter the Danger Zone?

Kenny Log-ins

What job does Danger do?

It Looms.

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

No one tells you how dangerous stargazing can be.

I did it all afternoon and now I think I’m blind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dangers of AI ( no relation to Alexa)

One day a dad comes home from work, with anew robot he's been working on.

During dinner he shows it to the family, explaining that how it detects liars and slaps them.

Dad: what did you do today son?

Son: went to school.

The robot promptly slaps the son.

Dad: are y...

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road, holding a hastily scrawled sign saying, "Turn around, the end is nigh."

A car drives past them and a young man leans out of the window to shout, "Get fucked, you religious freaks," and then floors the gas.

A moment later there is a yell and a loud splash.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "I told you we should have just written 'Danger, Bridge Colla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".



They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

I robbed a bakery today.

It was dangerous, but I took the whisk.

Dangers of hyperbole

Early 2000s: Bush is the worst president I can imagine! He is uncaring, racist, stupid, and hurts America's international standing!!

2016 Trump: Hold my beer...

I would never vaccinate my children, that's reckless and dangerous.

I let the doctor do it.

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

which is the most dangerous city?

Electricity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

A mate of mine just told me that he has been drinking brake fluid!

I told him how dangerous that is and how it could kill him if he keeps it up, but he said he can stop anytime he likes.

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

What’s way more dangerous than people think?

Living. It’s always fatal

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

I finally saw that Wonder Woman movie from a few years back. I think it's really dangerous to let the kids see it.

It could give them the impression that DC movies are good.

Joke

Don’t join dangerous cults
Practice safe sects

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm?

His warnings went amish.

What do you call a suicidal lacotose-intollerant person?

A danger to themselves and udders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink.

A man walks into a bar. Looking visibly distraught, he orders his drink. "Having a bad day?", the barkeep asks. "I guess you could say so. I just accidently time travelled back into the 20th century." "Really? What did you change?" "Oh heavens, nothing! I just went straight back to the present. Do y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

You know what’s more dangerous than a Pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

What is the most dangerous animal in the world?

A sneezing bat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the invasion of alien women that only abduct people with big dicks?

Just wanted to let you know that you’re not in any danger. But this spaceship is fucking awesome.

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.

I just can’t fathom it.

I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism.

I mean come on, there are so many red flags!

Quarantine time is so dangerous for me,I got so friendly with my wife..

That i almost confided the relationship problems with my girlfriend....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I took my son to see his Mom at work at the animal sanctuary and my wife brought out a lioness to meet us

Me: Son you see her she is one of the fiercest and most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Son: Really Dad are you scared of her daddy.

Me: Hell yeah, even the lioness doesn't wanna fuck with her you think I will

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amish Driving

An Amish lady is pulled over .

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return hom...

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite jokes

One day, a woman, pregnant with triplets, had some business to do in the bank. Tough luck, 3 minutes into her conversation with an assistant, an armed robber barges into the bank. He was quickly apprehended, but he managed to fire three shots. Unfortunately, all of them hit her right in the belly....

Did you know that it's dangerous to drink a lot of tea?

A Native American did this once and drowned in his Tea Pee.

Not my joke but thought it was funny.

Police have just received info about a dodgy doctor performing dangerous circumcisions

There must have been a tip off

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

The Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Cap...

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

Drunkenness!

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it
. Behind you is a lion running at the...

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits her doctor for her annual checkup.

The doctor asks "Do you have any questions or concerns?"

"Well, my husband likes to have anal sex with me. Is that dangerous to my health?"

"Is it painful?"

"No." She tells the doctor. "Honestly, I rather enjoy it."

"I'm not concerned then. Just be careful not to get pre...

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks someone to help because one of the patrons is dangerously too drunk.
The rabbi steps up and asks the man if he would like to pray, but he waves his hands dismissively and the rabbi gives up.
The psychologist enco...

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two soldiers

Two soldiers were stationed at a secret base on Greenland. The only entertainment they had was a worn out deck of cards and as time went on the two soldiers became bored with the cards, so to keep them selves entertained they started doing dares to each other.

At first it started out easy lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it's a well story.

When I was in my 5th grade, my English teacher told this story.
Once there lived a landlord in a village.He was rich. He had a daughter which meant the world to him. One day while he was on his way to work, he heard the news that his daughter fell inside a well, while she was playing. He immediat...

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

A woman and her husband are having trouble with kids

A woman and her husband, both from Mexico, decided to have a family, seeing as their homeland is dangerous, they move to the united states.

They try to have a baby for many years but to no avail.

The husband feels something is wrong and wishes for her to go to a doctor but they have p...

You know in the past I made jokes about Americans, but now that's getting too dangerous for me...

When they fire back it's lethal.

From the FBIs Most Wanted List....

Two men have become the most dangerous in America!

Dunning and Krueger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lio...

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Twist

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?


Teacher: 502.


Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?


Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!


Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

Why is a crow bar the most dangerous place to be?

There always the scene of a murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

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