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Danger Jokes

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

How are snakes dangerous?

They can’t even walk

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Why do people think getting road head is so dangerous?

It doesn’t make it any harder to drive this bus.

Is sodium just as dangerous as francium in water?

Na not really

Two thousand years ago, childbirth was fraught with danger.

Thankfully Jesus was born ….in a stable environment.

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

Danger is my middle name

but Safety first.

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Most people think amputees are dangerous

But they’re armless

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous...

but really, they're completely armless.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

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Why is aural sex so dangerous?

It can give you Hearing AIDS

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

What job does Danger do?

It Looms.

The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

How does a Brit let you know you’re in danger at Jurassic Park?

“A Dino-saur-us!”

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!...

[Nsfw] Why are incels so dangerous?

Because you never see them coming.

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know...

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".



They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

How do you call a dangerous neighbourhood in Italy

"SpaGetto"

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

The dangers of drinking tea

but who is phon ?

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Twelve women, three periods each.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

Dangers of hyperbole

Early 2000s: Bush is the worst president I can imagine! He is uncaring, racist, stupid, and hurts America's international standing!!

2016 Trump: Hold my beer...

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

Dangerous dating

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

What do you call the authentication information used to enter the Danger Zone?

Kenny Log-ins

A priest is preaching about the dangers of inebriation.

"Christians! If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of vodka in front of a donkey, which will he drink?"

"Water!"

"Correct! And why is that?"

"Because he's a jackass!"

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

What's a danger in driving underground with friends?

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

What is dangerous?

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

I'll tell you what's a dangerous insect...

....That Hepatitis Bee

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.

I just can’t fathom it.

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

What's long, black, and dangerous to cut?

The line at KFC.

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

What’s way more dangerous than people think?

Living. It’s always fatal

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”...

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