I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

[Nsfw] Why are incels so dangerous?

Because you never see them coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

A priest is preaching about the dangers of inebriation.

"Christians! If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of vodka in front of a donkey, which will he drink?"

"Water!"

"Correct! And why is that?"

"Because he's a jackass!"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder! "So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver...

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

Crow deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely ...

Selfridges in London are so kind. They warn their customers about the dangers of consumerism.

Outside a big door at the back there’s a sign saying "Goods Entrance".

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

The dangers of drinking tea

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.

I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.

You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.

I was peacefu...

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

Do not eat a clock.

It's dangerous and *time consuming*.

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The shocked bartender exclaims, "Whoa, you can't bring that dangerous animal in here, sir!"

"Don't worry," the man replies. "He's perfectly harmless. Watch, I'll put my balls in his open mouth for five minutes and he won't so much as nick t...

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

What job does Danger do?

It Looms.

Why is water polo the most dangerous sport?

Because the horses can't swim

No one tells you how dangerous stargazing can be.

I did it all afternoon and now I think I’m blind.

Farts are like ninjas because…

They’re sneaky, they’re dangerous, and if you see one, something has gone terribly wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aquarium [NSFW]

So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who says to him: "I just walked by the dolphin tank and they're feeling very amorous. They're doing all sorts of things to each other. In two hours we've got three bus loads of second graders coming, and we can't have them watching thos...

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Dangers of AI ( no relation to Alexa)

One day a dad comes home from work, with anew robot he's been working on.

During dinner he shows it to the family, explaining that how it detects liars and slaps them.

Dad: what did you do today son?

Son: went to school.

The robot promptly slaps the son.

Dad: are y...

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

What do you call the authentication information used to enter the Danger Zone?

Kenny Log-ins

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

\*\*\*

Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero...

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke my ADHD brain thought of out of nowhere

So the Hogwarts police confiscated a coffee cup suspecting it of dangerous enchantments. Turns out the police that grabbed it drank a bit too much butterbeer. It was just a normal coffee cup that belonged to some arrogant human thief.







It was a smug muggle mugger's mug.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

The leaders of Russia, Syria, and America are arguing about who is the best at catching criminals.

The secretary-general of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells them they must catch it.

The American team goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive inve...

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

I used to fear the robot apocalypse

But now, after seeing how dangerous stupid people can be...

I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

Dangers of hyperbole

Early 2000s: Bush is the worst president I can imagine! He is uncaring, racist, stupid, and hurts America's international standing!!

2016 Trump: Hold my beer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

An old man goes to confession.

He tells the priest that on Friday night, he'd been in the bar when he started talking to three girls nearby. "Maybe twenty-two, two blondes and a redhead. One had legs, one had knockers like you wouldn't believe, and the last had all the right curves. I started lusting, Father."


"Yes," s...

I finally saw that Wonder Woman movie from a few years back. I think it's really dangerous to let the kids see it.

It could give them the impression that DC movies are good.

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".



They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

3 Un Jokes of the day

What did one Frenchmen say to the other? I don't speak French and would like to know.

A Bear walks into a bar and the patrons leave slowly noticing the situation could be potentially dangerous.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor in the tall corn; Where is my Tractor....

I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism.

I mean come on, there are so many red flags!

I would never vaccinate my children, that's reckless and dangerous.

I let the doctor do it.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

What’s way more dangerous than people think?

Living. It’s always fatal

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,

“Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how d...

You know what’s more dangerous than a Pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him...

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm?

His warnings went amish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

What is the most dangerous animal in the world?

A sneezing bat!

I just watched the news on Evia Island.

Now I have finally realized how dangerous a Greece fire is.

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.

I just can’t fathom it.

Two guys are attempting an escape from an insane asylum

Eventually they escape the main building but there are walls around the encampment so they get to a roof to get over the wall, they look at the gap between the roof and the wall and decide it’s too dangerous. the first guy says,
“Alright, we can’t jump across so I’ll just shine my flashlight over...

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

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