The 107+ Best Danger Jokes

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

Most people think amputees are dangerous

But they’re armless

Why do people think getting road head is so dangerous?

It doesn’t make it any harder to drive this bus.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I got kicked out of the Karaoke bar last night for singing Danger Zone, then Footloose, then I'm Alright ...

...too many attempted Logging's...

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

Is sodium just as dangerous as francium in water?

Na not really

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

Two thousand years ago, childbirth was fraught with danger.

Thankfully Jesus was born ….in a stable environment.

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous...

but really, they're completely armless.

How does a Brit let you know you’re in danger at Jurassic Park?

“A Dino-saur-us!”

The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Danger is my middle name

but Safety first.

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

Don't let corona virus dominate you, don't let it take over your lives, I know there is a risk, I know there is a danger

but that's okay, now *I'm* better

*quick note: that's not a joke that's literally what he just said*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is aural sex so dangerous?

It can give you Hearing AIDS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Just read an article about the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me

Thats it no more reading

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

No one tells you how dangerous stargazing can be.

I did it all afternoon and now I think I’m blind.

What job does Danger do?

It Looms.

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

Some folks like fortune-tellers who warn of dangers. Some like to find fortune-tellers who keep emotions out of the readings. What do I want?

I prefer a happy medium.

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

How do you call a dangerous neighbourhood in Italy

"SpaGetto"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

[Nsfw] Why are incels so dangerous?

Because you never see them coming.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

A priest is preaching about the dangers of inebriation.

"Christians! If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of vodka in front of a donkey, which will he drink?"

"Water!"

"Correct! And why is that?"

"Because he's a jackass!"

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Twelve women, three periods each.

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

The dangers of drinking tea

but who is phon ?

Selfridges in London are so kind. They warn their customers about the dangers of consumerism.

Outside a big door at the back there’s a sign saying "Goods Entrance".

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The dangers of smoking"

A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16 hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

Another man walks up to him and says "do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know...

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

What's a danger in driving underground with friends?

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist that my marriage was in danger because I wouldn't stop doing a Borat impression

He asked me who led me to believe this ...

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it dangerous to walk in a dog park at night?

Because you can’t see shit.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".

They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!...

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

I live in such a dangerous part of town that I don’t let my kids go out in the evening.

They might just rob someone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

What's long, black, and dangerous to cut?

The line at KFC.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.