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Danger Jokes

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous...

but really, they're completely armless.

I got kicked out of the Karaoke bar last night for singing Danger Zone, then Footloose, then I'm Alright ...

...too many attempted Logging's...

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

Two thousand years ago, childbirth was fraught with danger.

Thankfully Jesus was born ….in a stable environment.

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

The Rabbit

A man with a hunting dog lived next door to a woman with a rabbit hutch in her backyard.

One day, he came home to find his dog with the rabbit in its' mouth, dead. The man was horrified but knew his dog would be sent away if the neighbors thought it was a danger to other pets. So he took the...

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Having touble getting into my computer...

Enter Password: "FootLoose"
...

Wrong, Try again: "DangerZone"
...

Wrong, you are locked out! You are only allowed 2 incorrect Loggins.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

How does a Brit let you know you’re in danger at Jurassic Park?

“A Dino-saur-us!”

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

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Why is aural sex so dangerous?

It can give you Hearing AIDS

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I Just read an article about the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me

Thats it no more reading

Danger is my middle name

but Safety first.

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

Dog

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That’s him," comes the reply.

"He doesn’t look dangerous t...

Cold

A man woke up early and kissed his wife good morning and goodbye. He made a thermos of coffee and a thermos of hot soup as his car warmed up in the driveway. He packed his fishing gear and proceeded to drive out to the lake for some ice fishing.

As he drove down the road he realized ...

a guy walks into a bar

he sits down and asks the bartender for an angel shot

“you don’t seem the type to order that, are you in danger?” the bartender whispers

“danger? all the women i talk to ask for it so it must be good!”

Why does the artist of Danger Zone have such secure online accounts?

He's got different passwords for all his Loggins.

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

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A woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol officer stopped her.

“I'm not going to book you,” he said "but I just wanted to warn you that your rear reflector is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“And also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of the reins i...

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

Some folks like fortune-tellers who warn of dangers. Some like to find fortune-tellers who keep emotions out of the readings. What do I want?

I prefer a happy medium.

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

How do you call a dangerous neighbourhood in Italy

"SpaGetto"

Which part of Italy has no Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sicily. It's a really dangerous place for witnesses.

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

[Nsfw] Why are incels so dangerous?

Because you never see them coming.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

What job does Danger do?

It Looms.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

No one tells you how dangerous stargazing can be.

I did it all afternoon and now I think I’m blind.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Road trip

Grandma needed a ride to a family wedding in another state but refused to let anyone give her a ride because she had always heard that the roads were so dangerous.

Finally, her grandson convinced her that we would take her down a road that hasn't had any accidents on it in years and ever show...

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

What do you call the authentication information used to enter the Danger Zone?

Kenny Log-ins

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

A priest is preaching about the dangers of inebriation.

"Christians! If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of vodka in front of a donkey, which will he drink?"

"Water!"

"Correct! And why is that?"

"Because he's a jackass!"

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

The dangers of drinking tea

but who is phon ?

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Selfridges in London are so kind. They warn their customers about the dangers of consumerism.

Outside a big door at the back there’s a sign saying "Goods Entrance".

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

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The chaos of hoarding toilet paper from others in the face of imminent danger

Is the definition of saving your own ass.

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

Why did the Stazi need 3 officers per arrest?

1 to write down the testimony,
1 to hear the testimony,
And 1 to watch over the dangerous intellectuals

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I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

Sales

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house qui...

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