The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!".

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

How does fire tell you its dangerous?

By giving you a warming.

I didn’t realise how dangerous it was to have a dyslexic boss.

Until I got fried.

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

You know in the past I made jokes about Americans, but now that's getting too dangerous for me...

When they fire back it's lethal.

What is black and white, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?

a cow with a machine gun.

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

A gynecologist warned me about the dangers of using slang too much, but I didn't listen...

Now I've got a yeets infection.

Why is it dangerous to be in a car with a nun driving?

They’re not afraid to die and go to heaven

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

My work is getting so crowded it's dangerous.

I tried to go to the break room and had a near-desk experience.

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism.

I mean come on, there are so many red flags!

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

You know, considering how dangerous autoerotic asphyxiation is...

Partakers never know whether they're coming or going!

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

What do you call a duck on dangerous substances?

A quack-head

Why is a dictionary dangerous?

Because it has dynamite in it.

A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.

But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.

"Dude make a left!"

"Those are trees..."

"Trust me."

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison...

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

A car starts suddenly swerving all over the road.

It cuts across the center line, whips back to the shoulder and then back into its lane. It continues to do this over and over until a cop pulls the vehicle over.

When the cop approaches the vehicle, he notices that the driver is a blonde. He asks her why she was swerving all over the road and...

What’s the most dangerous thing you can be asked in Los Angeles, Liverpool, and Manchster?

Are you a blue or a red?

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Boston recently

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that va...

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian goes to Thailand

A Russian goes to Thailand and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.


"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."


"What's the danger in that?"


"One of them is a man."

What’s the worst thing to read in braille?

Danger, don’t touch

What is the most dangerous thing that can happen in the kitchen?

A counter-attack.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

Pandas are dangerous

The unusual story of a panda:



One day, a panda carrying a violin case enters a restaurant. There, he orders some food, and when he had finished, he opened the violin case, took out a machine gun and killed everybody but the manager (wow that's violent). The manager ran up to him and a...

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't like sex in the shower.

It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked farts are dangerous than dressed up farts

Since there won’t be nothing to hold your shit together

A lion walks into a bar...

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger.

Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate

What’s made of plastic and dangerous for kids?

Michael Jackson.

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Man: Will I be alright doc?

Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.

Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

What is dangerous?

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

Dangerous dating

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

Two jokes from the USSR

1. A guy walks in the phone booth and makes a call:
- Is this anonymic phone of KGB?
- Yes, comrade Piotr Trasevich, who lives in the hpuse no5 of Nevski avenue in St. Petersburg, has a wife, two kids, orange car and love affair, this is anonymic phone of KGB.

2. KGB agent brings a susp...

What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave him AIDS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father has a conversation with his son about the danger of masturbating

He says “Son, if you masturbate too much you will end up blind.” The son replies “Dad, I’m over here”

A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

I live in such a dangerous part of town that I don’t let my kids go out in the evening.

They might just rob someone.

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it dangerous to walk in a dog park at night?

Because you can’t see shit.

Earth is dangerous

Did you know that Earth is the most dangerous planet in the Universe, 100% if human deaths takes place on earth

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phone sex is dangerous...

you could get hearing AIDS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

You're on a horse galloping at a constant speed...

On your right is a sharp drop off and on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is another horse but you're unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the other horse in front of you.

What must you do to esca...

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

A dangerous looking space ship comes down to earth

The aliens take over all radio, tv and other technologies to broadcast a message

Alien: “we are a dangerous species from the planet Pluto”

-
-
-
-

*all humans start to chuckle under their breath*

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

A man enters the confessional.

."Bless me Father, for I have sinned. There was a pile of lumber in a vacant lot. It had been there for weeks. I helped myself." The Priest says, "Stealing is a mortal sin, my son. Say 3 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers, and return the lumber." Next Sunday the man goes into the confessional. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

Alcohol and cigarettes have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives.

And yet women are allowed to just roam around.

A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.

The man said, “See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.”

The son replied, “But Dad, there is only one car.”

It's actually really dangerous to steal kitchen utensils from bakeries.

But you just have to be willing to take the whisk

What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are black people afraid of chainsaws

because they're dangerous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"

A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of y...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.