UPJOKE
lotfortunegood fortunechancegood lucksuperstitiondestinyfatephenomenonbad luckluckyfortunatehazardportionmisfortune

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a young couple that's down on their luck and don't have enough money for rent.

So they talk it over and decide that she'll go and stand on the corner. The first guy that comes up asks how much for sex? and she told him a hundred dollars. He says that he only has forty so she says she'll blow him for that. They go into the alley and when he pulls his pants down she sees he has ...

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all are getting seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Ha...haha....hahahaha (walks off laughing)”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

With my luck

With my luck if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying

What’s the difference between bad luck and extreme bad luck?

Bad luck is when your mother-in-law falls into a river.


Extreme bad luck is when someone saves her.

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery never had much luck on a busy bus.

"Mind if I shit there?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Years of bad luck

A cocktail glass states, "If you break me, you'll receive 1 year of bad luck".

A mirror replied, "Yeah, well if you break me, you'll receive 7 years of bad luck".

Condom "HA HA HA HA"

I have the worst luck…

I have the worst luck, I went to buy a memory foam pillow - turned out it had Alzheimers.

Bad luck Steve Irwin.

Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays.

Try your luck!

Want to win a new cellphone for Christmas?
Scratch below with a nail.

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓
▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓

Good luck!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

What does Viggo Mortensen's wife say to wish him good luck?

"Break a toe!"

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

I asked my proctologist friend if he had any luck with the dating scene.

He said he didn't have time because he had gotten behind at work.

A Middle Aged Man Down on His Luck Finds an Old Lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten-fold."

"I'd like $10 million," says the man. "Okay," the Genie replies, "but just know your wife will receive $100 million." "Yes, I know," the man says. "Fo...

Peter and his luck.

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist .


"Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" ...

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as peter was going out, he returns and says ...

"Give...

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Happy St Patrick’s Day! If you can’t kiss the Blarney Stone for luck just use a fake stone…

Any “sham rock” will do.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

Luck with the age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.


Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"


A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"


He walk...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

I only have luck dating meteorologists...

They only expect 3 to 5 inches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arkansas farm boy decides to try his luck in the city.

He gathers up his few possessions, tells all his friends goodbye and buys a bus ticket to Little Rock.

A few months later, his friends are shocked to see him driving back into their little town in a new, shiny red Mustang convertible. They all rush to catch up to him as he parks in front of h...

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day

Call that luck of the IRS.

Bad luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

'You know what? You have been with ...

In a competition to express luck, peace and quiet in a single sentence, the winning sentence was...

My wife is asleep.

Luck of the jewish

means waking around the middle east for 40 years and settling in the only place with no oil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

Wish me luck

I am starting my new venture, a start up food app that will help all of you reduce weight dramatically.

Basically it works as follows:

You order, I don't deliver

You're in luck, we just got a job opening . . .

A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

DRIVER WITH LUCK

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

A guy with bad luck goes fishing and catches a golden fish

This might work better at /r/dadjokes since my dad told me this one but what the hell

So the fish says to him that he would usually get 3 wishes,but since he has such bad luck he gets one, so he starts thinking about what to wish for and he says to the fish: "I wanna be a prince!" and the fis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My luck is so bad that..

If it was raining pussy I’d get hit by a dick.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.

It’s a little gnome fact.

I was told not to make fun of my girlfriend for waving smoke around the house for good luck.

It was some sage advice.

I've got no luck with the ladies

One time a girl texted me come on over there's nobody home. I went over and there was nobody home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"

A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having no luck with the opposite sex! I am finally out of the closet...and now am...

'Buy'sexual.

Boudreaux's luck

Boudreaux is fishing one day and Thibodeaux runs up to him and says "Mon I gots some Good news, and I gots some bad news. Which you wanna first?" Boudreaux says
"The bad news," Thibodeaux says "Mon......we find yo wife in de Bayou...she drownded!" "Oh no! What's the good news?" says Boudreaux. ...

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price amo...

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

Luck

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant. "Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

If you like pee jokes, urine luck

Ha ha

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.

I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.

For his part, Bill was ve...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.

“Would I? Would I?” he yells excitedly.

In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

This guy was down on his luck...

He lost his job and was really in debt, so he decided to end it all. He went to a bridge outside town and was ready to jump, when out of the gathering fog he saw a figure coming slowly toward him. It was the ugliest woman he’d ever seen and she was wearing a conical hat.

“Who the hell are yo...

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

I was once so broke and down on my luck...

I didn't even own a pair of shoes.

I thought my life was utterly bleak until I seen a man with no feet and I thought to myself
"I bet this guy has a pair of shoes he doesn't need"

A man down on his luck went to an oracle and asked him to tell him the numbers that will change his life

the oracle took his glass orb, searched the mans future and told him “The numbers I see in your future are 3419807”

The man happy with these numbers, goes to a convenience store and buys a lottery ticket with his last few dollars and uses the numbers 3419807.

The next day the lottery n...

Earlier today I saw this dude walking out of an erectile dysfunction support group. He looked like a douche, so I tried to fight him. But no luck...

It's almost impossible to get a rise out of those people.

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Luck!

Boarding an airplane, a young fellow was very excited he'd been upgraded to First Class and he'd never flown in First Class. As he settled down for a long flight he notices that Beyoncé was sitting right next to him! After a rough storm, the plane came crashing down into the ocean. All passengers w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God.

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.

"God what have I done to deserve this, my wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me." he says.

God suddenly appears in front of him and says "So...

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

My friend is a man of extreme luck. He won the Russian roulette 5 times in a row!

\*was

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

A Mechanic is down on his luck...

He had been unemployed for a rather long time and decided to open a medical clinic. Ouside of the clinic he put a sign that read: "A cure for your ailment gauranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A doctor sees this and thinks this is a good opportunity to make an easy $1,000. So ...

A man is walking with his child on the street when a tourist approaches him asking

- "Parlez vous francais?"
Our man looks surprised and says nothing. The tourist changes the language:
- "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"
Again, no response. The tourist tries his luck once more:
- "Habla español?"
Seeing that he receives no answer, the tourist moves on.

The child,...

They say it's good luck for a seagull to poo on you.

It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you. Duh.

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

Two friends are chatting when one says 'I had a date with identical twins last night' the other friend asks 'any luck?'

'Yes and no' replied the friend

My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

How do you know if a rabbit's foot really brings good luck?

Go ask the three-legged rabbit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

A priest goes in a safari...

A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion.
Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christi...

My luck is like a bald man...

That won a comb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] "Good Luck Mr Collins"

Two astronauts successfully landed on the moon and transmitted their thoughts and feelings back to mission control. They described the moon's surface, the atmosphere, the temperature and their feelings of elation at being there.

Just as the transmission was going off, one of the astronauts w...

A guy is not having any luck picking up chicks

He notices that there is another little guy sitting by himself who is doing much better. Every hour or so a different girl walks up to the little guy, starts talking and they soon leave together.

The first guy turns to the bartender and asks "Why does he have all the luck. There is nothing s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are down on their luck and are in desperate need for some money.

A couple are down on their luck and are in desperate need for some money. After a long discussion, the couple both decide that the wife should go into prostitution. So the next night husband drops his wife at a street corner and drives off. Just before sunrise the husband drives back to pick up his ...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

Bad Luck

I think my luck is getting worse.

I was mugged by a Quaker.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's been said that bird droppings on the shoulder is good luck...

That's crap.

A guy was down on his luck, and looking for odd jobs...

He knocked on the door of a house, and asked if they had any work so he could make a few bucks. The owner said, "Sure, mow the lawn, and when you get done, paint the porch." An hour and a half later there was knock on the door. "I'm done," the man said. "And by the way, that's not a porch - it's a M...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

Better Luck Next Year Kiddo!

I'm going to give my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

A man with a wooden eye decided to try his luck at a bar.

Being insecure about his condition, he decided to have a couple drinks. After a while he sees a pretty girl with a wooden leg. With liquid courage, he walks up to her and asks if she would like do dance.
"Oh, wouldn't I! ! She exclaims.
The man immediately got red in the face, and yelled, "w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse."
"Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Piss Poor Luck

A guy walks into a bar, and slams down a wad of cash and tells the bartender he's on a lucky streak all night. After a few drinks, the guy asks if anyone in the bar are willing to bet hard cash, and the Bartender points him to an area in the back of the bar.


A little over an hour later, t...

They say opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck,

but I think if it's raining indoors you've probably already had some bad luck.

Haven't seen this on here before and it made me chuckle so here.
credit Jimmy Carr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

HBO cancels "Luck" after horse deaths.

Their next endeavor is to make a mini series called "Glue".

What do you call someone down on their luck who does stock photos?

A poor business model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple was down on their luck. Had lost everything,

nowhere to turn and out of options. The husband says to his wife, "Honey, I don't know what else to do to make some money. You are going to have to go work the streets"

Wife replies, "But I have never done that before I would not have any idea what to do."

Husband says, "Don't worry,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was down on his luck and in desperate need of a job.

He saw an ad in the newspaper about a sales position. He didn't know the first thing about sales, but figured he could learn, and so he contacted the company.

"It's simple," said the hiring manager. "You go door-to-door selling toothbrushes. Everyone needs a toothbrush, you should be able ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried my luck on a brand new car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I went off and bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is down on his luck and decides to rob a bank

Having never done this before, he looks up how to go about it.

The internet lets him know he'll need a mask, a gun, and a note letting the teller know the situation.

He goes out and picks up a black ski mask, a pistol, and a piece of paper and a pen to write his note on.

When he...

This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.

I don't even work here.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.